5 year old calls me stupid

[green_momma2007]

Jeremy learned the word stupid and now anytime he disagrees with me about the slightest thing I get an automatic "you're stupid,mom". I had the brilliant idea to put what i'm learning from GD into work. I explained to him that I understood he was using the word stupid when he was upset at me, but that a more appropriate way of expressing himself would be, "Mom, I'm not happy with you."
So now I get "Mom, I'm not happy you're stupid."
What else can I do to get him to stop? He knows it's not a nice word because when his little brother says it he'll tattle on him.

[sydlou]

Ok, I'm sorry but that is quite clever and funny.

Ugh, the "stupid" word. It's so annoying. We have a case of the stupids over here too.  It has decreased dramatically over the last few months.

Honestly, you can't get him to stop, but you can help him express anger in a way that is powerful to him and not offensive to you (very helpful when they get older and have that RAGE along with hormones!).

We always talk about it after the word/emotion has passed, because truly, it IS a way they are expressing their frustration and I don't want to take away the importance of her feelings in the moment. I've also found that when people are feeling that strongly, anger/frustration/sadness, it is NOT a teaching moment, but just where they need me to be compassionate.

After the fact, I remind DD that she can go and yell in her room, hit her mattress, growl out her anger if she needs to, but that that word doesn't make sense to use when she's angry (because really, she's angry and telling me I'm not smart....). I also help her find words that feel powerful to her that are OK to use, "I'm REALLY ANGRY at you mommy!"  "That was NOT OK!" "I DON"T LIKE THAT" have been some that she feels powerful using.

[lookatreestar]

we just learned the word stupid over here too... i really don't think she gets the word it was more of a repeating thing so i just ask her to go say it in the room if she is going to say it. she runs and shouts stupid a few times then comes out and is over it. since we first had the talk about it she is always correcting me and my use of stupid 

[moon girl]

I have been through several rounds of "stupid" and other assorted words.... with my kids.  Several things come to mind for me.  I think when kids find words like that they are experimenting with power to some degree.  Do these words hold power?  How do I use power?  We often resort to some types of name calling when we feel powerless so getting to the source of the frustration is important.  I think your approach of helping him reframe and express what he is experiencing is right on.

I also noticed that when this was happening for me, that there was another piece of the puzzle.  I had to look at my own discomfort around being called stupid and why I wanted my child to stop.  When I was at home, I would notice that I was much less reactive about it.  I could simply say "I don't like being called stupid, if you feel frustrated with me, you could say "Mom, I'm feeling really angry about this" etc.  It pushed my buttons more if we were around other people, and I realized that I was worried about other people's judgment about how I was handling things.  That gets really tricky because kids seem to have a radar for those areas where we're blocked in some way.  And the more attached I got to the idea of needing the behavior to stop, well the more they seemed to exhibit that exact behavior.  

So, I started to look at all those situations as gifts.  My kids were showing me, where I was stuck in some way.  This definitely is a practice and it takes time to get to the heart of it.  A really good book is "Raising our Children, Raising ourselves".  I found it really helpful.

One of my takeaways from the name calling experience was this:  Whenever someone calls my children a name and they come to me about it.  The first question I ask them is "Is it true?"  So and so called you stupid, are you stupid?  They always look at me and say "no".  Ok, well,  if someone says something that's not true, why would it bother you?  It's important for me that my children know that they get to choose how they feel.  No one can make you angry.  Truly, even if someone does something truly heinous to us, we still get to choose how we feel about it.  If we allow someone else's behavior to affect how we feel, we are giving our power away.  Now this doesn't mean that we have to just accept being treated in a way that doesn't feel good.  It is completely ok to say "I don't like being called stupid and I don't let people talk to me that way"  

So I realized that If I reacted to my children calling me names in a way that was really attached to needing it to stop, I was negating my own advice.  I could state my preferences for sure, but if I got upset then I was doing the exact thing I was trying to teach them.  And the funny paradox is that the moment I stopped needing a behavior to change, that seemed to be the moment they stopped doing it.

Hope that all makes sense, 

Christine

[lookatreestar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by moon girl 

I have been through several rounds of "stupid" and other assorted words.... with my kids.  Several things come to mind for me.  I think when kids find words like that they are experimenting with power to some degree.  Do these words hold power?  How do I use power?  We often resort to some types of name calling when we feel powerless so getting to the source of the frustration is important.  I think your approach of helping him reframe and express what he is experiencing is right on.

I also noticed that when this was happening for me, that there was another piece of the puzzle.  I had to look at my own discomfort around being called stupid and why I wanted my child to stop.  When I was at home, I would notice that I was much less reactive about it.  I could simply say "I don't like being called stupid, if you feel frustrated with me, you could say "Mom, I'm feeling really angry about this" etc.  It pushed my buttons more if we were around other people, and I realized that I was worried about other people's judgment about how I was handling things.  That gets really tricky because kids seem to have a radar for those areas where we're blocked in some way.  And the more attached I got to the idea of needing the behavior to stop, well the more they seemed to exhibit that exact behavior.  

So, I started to look at all those situations as gifts.  My kids were showing me, where I was stuck in some way.  This definitely is a practice and it takes time to get to the heart of it.  A really good book is "Raising our Children, Raising ourselves".  I found it really helpful.

One of my takeaways from the name calling experience was this:  Whenever someone calls my children a name and they come to me about it.  The first question I ask them is "Is it true?"  So and so called you stupid, are you stupid?  They always look at me and say "no".  Ok, well,  if someone says something that's not true, why would it bother you?  It's important for me that my children know that they get to choose how they feel.  No one can make you angry.  Truly, even if someone does something truly heinous to us, we still get to choose how we feel about it.  If we allow someone else's behavior to affect how we feel, we are giving our power away.  Now this doesn't mean that we have to just accept being treated in a way that doesn't feel good.  It is completely ok to say "I don't like being called stupid and I don't let people talk to me that way"  

So I realized that If I reacted to my children calling me names in a way that was really attached to needing it to stop, I was negating my own advice.  I could state my preferences for sure, but if I got upset then I was doing the exact thing I was trying to teach them.  And the funny paradox is that the moment I stopped needing a behavior to change, that seemed to be the moment they stopped doing it.

Hope that all makes sense, 

Christine

[chaimom]

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable.  My boys thought the "s" word was bad, and would whisper in horror to me if they heard someone say it.   They're 8 1/2 now and know how to use the word, but it was funny when they were in K and reported that their teacher used the "s" word in school.  But she hadn't called someone the s word, so I told them it was OK!

Edited by chaimom - 1/1/11 at 11:13am

[philomom]

Originally Posted by chaimom 

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable. 

Thanks. I had handled it much the same way with my kids. I'm glad to know somebody out there is teaching kids manners besides me.

[rabbitmum]

Me too!

[madskye]

DD is five and lately she's been stamping her foot and telling me that xyz is "all YOUR fault!"-- I just keep telling her that it hurts my feelings to be spoken to like that, and then help her rephrase it.  She seems to try out "bad" behaviors and though it's always something new...once we talk about it she does seem to get what's acceptable and what's not. 

[habitat]

Originally Posted by chaimom

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable.

I understand what you're saying about how important and powerful language is, and how crucial it is that our children understand its potency and how to use it appropriately. Still, asserting my dominance and privilege as the bigger person by sending someone I love, and who loves me, to what is essentially solitary confinement if they don't express their emotions the way I want them to or in a way that is "socially acceptable" (whatever that means) is not my idea of a superior model of good manners. That shouldn't work in the "adult world", so why should it work elsewhere? A good manner of behavior, I've come to understand, is the manner of love. Depending upon the situation, lots of actions can be well-considered and loving. Children will know that you don't like something if you tell them. While telling them how you feel may not immediately change their feelings or the way they express them, it will show them that you are invested in broadening their emotional intelligence. Sending them away is a coercive threat that changes the behavior, yes, but out of fear, rather than understanding. If I am spoken to out of anger, I can't expect an authentic improvement of understanding if I react by asserting my power as the bigger person. I get frustrated and I say so. I get sad/mad/angry/upset and I say so. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice, and sometimes I have to apologize for the way I speak out of anger. I ask for space and do my best to control my own body to take it, by finding a quiet room or by paying attention to my breathing. These are all things that young people are able to do, too. They are coping strategies that I hope to model as positive and powerful, because they are. These things are acceptable ways to cope for all involved parties. But, when I begin asserting myself as the dominant, and take advantage of powers I have that they don't, I'm not modeling something that they can practice and I'm losing something valuable - the chance to work it out as an equal to the other person involved. As an equal is how I expect people to resolve conflict out in the world, so why would it be different in our home, just because the person is younger than me? Can I teach a child to resolve a conflict as my equal if I'm always asserting my dominance in an assumed hierarchy?

I have beliefs and principals that guide the way I live in very applied and practical ways. I do a lot of things that, to some people, are not "socially acceptable". I assume that my children will, too. So I do not ask myself, "How do I teach them the socially acceptable way to behave". Instead, I ask myself "How do I model conflict resolution with equality and empathy?" and "How can I find the source of the behavior? Why is it making me uncomfortable? Where is it coming from? Why am I responding this way? Why are they responding this way? How can we better communicate our needs together? How do I use this challenge to come to a deeper understanding of this person that I love? How do I speak and behave in a way that promotes a sense of emotional safety?". Sometimes not all the questions are answered before the problem is resolved. But by asking them, both inwardly and out loud, I can really stand behind what I do on principal. The "manners" that I value are not simply aesthetic. They're about a real understanding for people's feelings and I intend on practicing what I preach.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Originally Posted by chaimom 

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable. 

Thanks. I had handled it much the same way with my kids. I'm glad to know somebody out there is teaching kids manners besides me.

me too.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here.  
 

[philomom]

 Sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here.  
 

  Me, too. I hope my kids pick spouses that have been raised with some manners and sense. Cause I'm defiantly seeing the handbasket here.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by habitat 

Originally Posted by chaimom

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable.

I understand what you're saying about how important and powerful language is, and how crucial it is that our children understand its potency and how to use it appropriately. Still, asserting my dominance and privilege as the bigger person by sending someone I love, and who loves me, to what is essentially solitary confinement if they don't express their emotions the way I want them to or in a way that is "socially acceptable" (whatever that means) is not my idea of a superior model of good manners. That shouldn't work in the "adult world", so why should it work elsewhere? A good manner of behavior, I've come to understand, is the manner of love. Depending upon the situation, lots of actions can be well-considered and loving. Children will know that you don't like something if you tell them. While telling them how you feel may not immediately change their feelings or the way they express them, it will show them that you are invested in broadening their emotional intelligence. Sending them away is a coercive threat that changes the behavior, yes, but out of fear, rather than understanding. If I am spoken to out of anger, I can't expect an authentic improvement of understanding if I react by asserting my power as the bigger person. I get frustrated and I say so. I get sad/mad/angry/upset and I say so. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice, and sometimes I have to apologize for the way I speak out of anger. I ask for space and do my best to control my own body to take it, by finding a quiet room or by paying attention to my breathing. These are all things that young people are able to do, too. They are coping strategies that I hope to model as positive and powerful, because they are. These things are acceptable ways to cope for all involved parties. But, when I begin asserting myself as the dominant, and take advantage of powers I have that they don't, I'm not modeling something that they can practice and I'm losing something valuable - the chance to work it out as an equal to the other person involved. As an equal is how I expect people to resolve conflict out in the world, so why would it be different in our home, just because the person is younger than me? Can I teach a child to resolve a conflict as my equal if I'm always asserting my dominance in an assumed hierarchy?

I have beliefs and principals that guide the way I live in very applied and practical ways. I do a lot of things that, to some people, are not "socially acceptable". I assume that my children will, too. So I do not ask myself, "How do I teach them the socially acceptable way to behave". Instead, I ask myself "How do I model conflict resolution with equality and empathy?" and "How can I find the source of the behavior? Why is it making me uncomfortable? Where is it coming from? Why am I responding this way? Why are they responding this way? How can we better communicate our needs together? How do I use this challenge to come to a deeper understanding of this person that I love? How do I speak and behave in a way that promotes a sense of emotional safety?". Sometimes not all the questions are answered before the problem is resolved. But by asking them, both inwardly and out loud, I can really stand behind what I do on principal. The "manners" that I value are not simply aesthetic. They're about a real understanding for people's feelings and I intend on practicing what I preach.

I wouldnt define telling a child he/she has to be seperated from the family until they pick better words to be "solitary confinement".

Solitary confinement is when an authority locks you up in bars until they decide you are coming out, treats you disrespectfully, makes you use the toilet in front of everyone.............

If a child is not getting the message that they have to learn to communicate properly, how will they EVER esgtablish the self control to stop themselves?

I understand how you feel and I wish it were that simple for me. I've come to believe that kids need some boundaries to learn.

We talk about EVERYTHING, but sometimes words dont teach.

My kids picked up "stupid" this year and it is not a nice word. DH and I don't use words that are strictly for insulting or hurting another person to each other or even in conversation- so modeling the way to communicate wasnt enough for this. I buckled down and told them to step into their rooms until they could figure out better words. The word is almost phased out now, because they dont want to waste their time.

The thing is, we as parents have to be in charge. Children are children. They are new and dont know. Being in charge doesnt mean asserting dominance in the wrong way.

Someone has to be the grown up, and they need us to teach them.

[moon girl]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

Originally Posted by habitat 

Originally Posted by chaimom

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable.

I understand what you're saying about how important and powerful language is, and how crucial it is that our children understand its potency and how to use it appropriately. Still, asserting my dominance and privilege as the bigger person by sending someone I love, and who loves me, to what is essentially solitary confinement if they don't express their emotions the way I want them to or in a way that is "socially acceptable" (whatever that means) is not my idea of a superior model of good manners. That shouldn't work in the "adult world", so why should it work elsewhere? A good manner of behavior, I've come to understand, is the manner of love. Depending upon the situation, lots of actions can be well-considered and loving. Children will know that you don't like something if you tell them. While telling them how you feel may not immediately change their feelings or the way they express them, it will show them that you are invested in broadening their emotional intelligence. Sending them away is a coercive threat that changes the behavior, yes, but out of fear, rather than understanding. If I am spoken to out of anger, I can't expect an authentic improvement of understanding if I react by asserting my power as the bigger person. I get frustrated and I say so. I get sad/mad/angry/upset and I say so. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice, and sometimes I have to apologize for the way I speak out of anger. I ask for space and do my best to control my own body to take it, by finding a quiet room or by paying attention to my breathing. These are all things that young people are able to do, too. They are coping strategies that I hope to model as positive and powerful, because they are. These things are acceptable ways to cope for all involved parties. But, when I begin asserting myself as the dominant, and take advantage of powers I have that they don't, I'm not modeling something that they can practice and I'm losing something valuable - the chance to work it out as an equal to the other person involved. As an equal is how I expect people to resolve conflict out in the world, so why would it be different in our home, just because the person is younger than me? Can I teach a child to resolve a conflict as my equal if I'm always asserting my dominance in an assumed hierarchy?

I have beliefs and principals that guide the way I live in very applied and practical ways. I do a lot of things that, to some people, are not "socially acceptable". I assume that my children will, too. So I do not ask myself, "How do I teach them the socially acceptable way to behave". Instead, I ask myself "How do I model conflict resolution with equality and empathy?" and "How can I find the source of the behavior? Why is it making me uncomfortable? Where is it coming from? Why am I responding this way? Why are they responding this way? How can we better communicate our needs together? How do I use this challenge to come to a deeper understanding of this person that I love? How do I speak and behave in a way that promotes a sense of emotional safety?". Sometimes not all the questions are answered before the problem is resolved. But by asking them, both inwardly and out loud, I can really stand behind what I do on principal. The "manners" that I value are not simply aesthetic. They're about a real understanding for people's feelings and I intend on practicing what I preach.

I wouldnt define telling a child he/she has to be seperated from the family until they pick better words to be "solitary confinement".

Solitary confinement is when an authority locks you up in bars until they decide you are coming out, treats you disrespectfully, makes you use the toilet in front of everyone.............

If a child is not getting the message that they have to learn to communicate properly, how will they EVER esgtablish the self control to stop themselves?

I understand how you feel and I wish it were that simple for me. I've come to believe that kids need some boundaries to learn.

We talk about EVERYTHING, but sometimes words dont teach.

My kids picked up "stupid" this year and it is not a nice word. DH and I don't use words that are strictly for insulting or hurting another person to each other or even in conversation- so modeling the way to communicate wasnt enough for this. I buckled down and told them to step into their rooms until they could figure out better words. The word is almost phased out now, because they dont want to waste their time.

The thing is, we as parents have to be in charge. Children are children. They are new and dont know. Being in charge doesnt mean asserting dominance in the wrong way.

Someone has to be the grown up, and they need us to teach them.

Yes, your example of solitary confinement is a bit more dramatic, but honestly, I think that sending children away when we don't like how they behave is punitive and it doesn't "teach" them how to have manners.  It teaches them to measure themselves against someone else's approval.  The lesson they actually learn is if I have a conflict or problem with someone, I can withold my approval and use my power to force them to conform to what I want.  So many adults get stuck on this very issue, seeking love and approval from outside of themselves.  I'd much rather teach my children in a way that they have an internal sense of right and wrong, one that isn't swayed by someone else's love or approval.

It is completely ok and very necessary to set boundaries as a parent.  However, I would argue that there is no such thing as setting boundaries for your children.  I think it's an illusion that we can set a boundary for another person.  We set them for ourselves.  It is perfectly valid to say, "I don't want to be called stupid and I'd like you to find another way to talk to me".  No one can argue with you when you set your own boundaries.  But if you tell a child "You do not speak to me that way" they could argue with that statement (uh, I just did mom), it comes across as patronizing in my opinion.  It's more honest and much more powerful to state your needs as just that, your needs.  It gives them permission to do the same and teaching kids to ask for what they want in a clear way from others is pretty powerful.

Whenever I hear someone say things like "children need to learn.....fill in the blank", I think there is an underlying belief that children are not social beings, that left to their own devices, they would never do the right thing.  I just don't believe that to be true.  I think children are inherently social and that they do want to be kind.  Will they test things out and make mistakes?  Of course, and we are free to advocate for our own needs as parents and ask for what we want from our children.

My children are very kind people, they are polite to others and genuinely caring.  I didn't force any of those lessons on them or use fear to get that behavior.  I treat them kindly (and apologize when I slip, I am human after all), model polite behavior.  They have their moments when their emotions short circuit or they get angry but we work through it.  I don't focus on the behavior, I look to the root cause of the behavior and it makes a huge difference.

Help I'm stepping into the Twilight Zone  sorry couldn't resist LOL

[khaoskat]

My now 7 1/2 year old loves that word too.  No matter how much I explained how bad of a word it was, he wouldn't get it.  So, what I started doing was letting him know when he says certain words he has to pay me $1 (or could be 25 cents)  (and it is words like hate, stupid, etc).  That seems to have curbed it a lot.

[McGucks]

Don't have time to read all the other responses, only wanted to mention that my older son, who is now 15 and remarkably polite (if I do say so myself--but it is a descriptor about him I hear from others often enough to know it's not just momma pride) went through about a 6 month period...when he was around 5...during which, when he was mad at me, called me "stoopie mommy."  As someone above said, though I'm not stupid, I didn't like hearing it--especially when he loudly and publicly would say it.  I was pretty consistent (as I remember it) in saying "I am a smart mommy, and you need to use nicer words."  Now we kind of joke about it.  I think this is a "this too shall pass" candidate.  Try not to take it too seriously.  Kids say all kinds of mess.  They still love us and we still love them.  Good luck.

[heartmama]

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable.

This is what we did too and honestly ds got the point fast and we never had a big issue with this long term. He is a very polite teen now (most of the time!).

[Callimom]

Separating oneself from someone who is speaking rudely or unkindly is not (always) punitive - it's often a logical consequence and as an adult it's a strategy I employ and see put into play regularly.  Now from a practical standpoint at home it makes more sense for the child to be the one to be removed from the common living space. As the adult in the home I am most likely doing work that benefits the family, supervising other children, preparing meals etc and so to remove myself in our small house means that work wouldn't get done or my children wouldn't be properly supervised. (not an issue now but it was when I had littles).  I agree with the idea that we need to start with clearly stating our needs/boundaries and by explaining to children the implications of their choices. But I also think it's important that the logical consequences of a situation be experienced as much as possible by the child  rather than have them be imposed on the rest of the family (as would be the case of the mother had to continue to remove herself from the child - which I also think can be more emotionally damaging than "exile").   I also think that in an effort to avoid power plays with children some parents misguidedly hand over an unhealthy amount of power to the children which doesn't benefit anyone. 

OP - one of the best things we ever did as a family was to work out a set of family rules (which are more principles really)  which the kids participated in drafting and which to my delight have covered almost every sticky situation we have found ourselves in  as a family or in our social interactions.  One of those "rules" is to be kind and so when we went through the testing phase all I had to do was ask my kids if they thought those words were kind.  Rarely did we see any repeats of those sorts of comments.

Good luck.

Karen

Quote:

Originally Posted by moon girl 

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

Originally Posted by habitat 

Originally Posted by chaimom

Frankly, I know I'm not stupid, but I still wouldn't like being called stupid. No one would, kid or adult.  Kids need to know that talk like that is unacceptable and other people don't like it.

In our family: "That's a rude word and it's not the way we talk to each other in our family."   If he continues talking that way, he can go to his room until he can think of words that don't hurt people's feelings and can apologize.  You're doing him a favor by letting him know what's socially acceptable.

I understand what you're saying about how important and powerful language is, and how crucial it is that our children understand its potency and how to use it appropriately. Still, asserting my dominance and privilege as the bigger person by sending someone I love, and who loves me, to what is essentially solitary confinement if they don't express their emotions the way I want them to or in a way that is "socially acceptable" (whatever that means) is not my idea of a superior model of good manners. That shouldn't work in the "adult world", so why should it work elsewhere? A good manner of behavior, I've come to understand, is the manner of love. Depending upon the situation, lots of actions can be well-considered and loving. Children will know that you don't like something if you tell them. While telling them how you feel may not immediately change their feelings or the way they express them, it will show them that you are invested in broadening their emotional intelligence. Sending them away is a coercive threat that changes the behavior, yes, but out of fear, rather than understanding. If I am spoken to out of anger, I can't expect an authentic improvement of understanding if I react by asserting my power as the bigger person. I get frustrated and I say so. I get sad/mad/angry/upset and I say so. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice, and sometimes I have to apologize for the way I speak out of anger. I ask for space and do my best to control my own body to take it, by finding a quiet room or by paying attention to my breathing. These are all things that young people are able to do, too. They are coping strategies that I hope to model as positive and powerful, because they are. These things are acceptable ways to cope for all involved parties. But, when I begin asserting myself as the dominant, and take advantage of powers I have that they don't, I'm not modeling something that they can practice and I'm losing something valuable - the chance to work it out as an equal to the other person involved. As an equal is how I expect people to resolve conflict out in the world, so why would it be different in our home, just because the person is younger than me? Can I teach a child to resolve a conflict as my equal if I'm always asserting my dominance in an assumed hierarchy?

I have beliefs and principals that guide the way I live in very applied and practical ways. I do a lot of things that, to some people, are not "socially acceptable". I assume that my children will, too. So I do not ask myself, "How do I teach them the socially acceptable way to behave". Instead, I ask myself "How do I model conflict resolution with equality and empathy?" and "How can I find the source of the behavior? Why is it making me uncomfortable? Where is it coming from? Why am I responding this way? Why are they responding this way? How can we better communicate our needs together? How do I use this challenge to come to a deeper understanding of this person that I love? How do I speak and behave in a way that promotes a sense of emotional safety?". Sometimes not all the questions are answered before the problem is resolved. But by asking them, both inwardly and out loud, I can really stand behind what I do on principal. The "manners" that I value are not simply aesthetic. They're about a real understanding for people's feelings and I intend on practicing what I preach.

I wouldnt define telling a child he/she has to be seperated from the family until they pick better words to be "solitary confinement".

Solitary confinement is when an authority locks you up in bars until they decide you are coming out, treats you disrespectfully, makes you use the toilet in front of everyone.............

If a child is not getting the message that they have to learn to communicate properly, how will they EVER esgtablish the self control to stop themselves?

I understand how you feel and I wish it were that simple for me. I've come to believe that kids need some boundaries to learn.

We talk about EVERYTHING, but sometimes words dont teach.

My kids picked up "stupid" this year and it is not a nice word. DH and I don't use words that are strictly for insulting or hurting another person to each other or even in conversation- so modeling the way to communicate wasnt enough for this. I buckled down and told them to step into their rooms until they could figure out better words. The word is almost phased out now, because they dont want to waste their time.

The thing is, we as parents have to be in charge. Children are children. They are new and dont know. Being in charge doesnt mean asserting dominance in the wrong way.

Someone has to be the grown up, and they need us to teach them.

Yes, your example of solitary confinement is a bit more dramatic, but honestly, I think that sending children away when we don't like how they behave is punitive and it doesn't "teach" them how to have manners.  It teaches them to measure themselves against someone else's approval.  The lesson they actually learn is if I have a conflict or problem with someone, I can withold my approval and use my power to force them to conform to what I want.  So many adults get stuck on this very issue, seeking love and approval from outside of themselves.  I'd much rather teach my children in a way that they have an internal sense of right and wrong, one that isn't swayed by someone else's love or approval.

It is completely ok and very necessary to set boundaries as a parent.  However, I would argue that there is no such thing as setting boundaries for your children.  I think it's an illusion that we can set a boundary for another person.  We set them for ourselves.  It is perfectly valid to say, "I don't want to be called stupid and I'd like you to find another way to talk to me".  No one can argue with you when you set your own boundaries.  But if you tell a child "You do not speak to me that way" they could argue with that statement (uh, I just did mom), it comes across as patronizing in my opinion.  It's more honest and much more powerful to state your needs as just that, your needs.  It gives them permission to do the same and teaching kids to ask for what they want in a clear way from others is pretty powerful.

Whenever I hear someone say things like "children need to learn.....fill in the blank", I think there is an underlying belief that children are not social beings, that left to their own devices, they would never do the right thing.  I just don't believe that to be true.  I think children are inherently social and that they do want to be kind.  Will they test things out and make mistakes?  Of course, and we are free to advocate for our own needs as parents and ask for what we want from our children.

My children are very kind people, they are polite to others and genuinely caring.  I didn't force any of those lessons on them or use fear to get that behavior.  I treat them kindly (and apologize when I slip, I am human after all), model polite behavior.  They have their moments when their emotions short circuit or they get angry but we work through it.  I don't focus on the behavior, I look to the root cause of the behavior and it makes a huge difference.

Help I'm stepping into the Twilight Zone  sorry couldn't resist LOL