Prepping for Divorce and Single Parenting

[Violet2]

What do you think someone needs to know before divorce about getting divorced and becoming a single parent?

I'm all ears.

My Dh is an alcoholic and it is becoming clear that I've been naive about his ability to be sober and I am increasingly convinced that, as nice as he is, as great a Dad as he is, I am not willing to be in a relationship with alcoholism as the ever-present third wheel.

I have time to prepare and think this out. I'd like to be half way smart about all this.

Thanks

V

[doubledutch]

this is a super helpful site:

http://www.womansdivorce.com/

if you aren't the one handling your finances, find out joint and individual account numbers and balances for bank accounts, credit cards, lines of credit, your mortgage and any other debt.  make copies of your previous years' tax returns, insurance info, etc.

talk to a lawyer and ask them what you need to know, what you should do and what you should avoid, because this varies state to state.

make a plan for how you will live and support your family.  child support is great, but try to make a plan that does not include it.

and i think individual therapy/counseling can be very helpful in working through all the what ifs, shoulds, maybes, etc so that you feel more confident in your decision.

editing to add another helpful link:

http://divorcesource.wordpress.com/2008/02/01/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay/

[NolaRiordan]

Yes, get the finances in order. The first lawyer I talked to said I needed to get account numbers, and balances for anything that had my name on it: credit cards, property, bank accounts, stock, etc.

Do you think custody will be an issue? It would be good to start compiling lists of people who could testify that you are an involved and committed parent.

You also need to start gathering a support system -- friends, family, neighbors, etc. who can help out.

Good luck.

[sillygrl]

I was told the first thing I needed to do when my ex made his "big announcement" was to concentrate on finances. Make a list of all accounts and all bills that are in your name, like the PP's have suggested.

Gather a support network. This is very important. People you can call anytime when things seem to be crazy. My divorce was not "messy" because my ex just wanted it done and over with and he's in Iraq, but there were still some times when I needed advice and support.

And speak to a lawyer. Because they'll be able to give you a real good idea of what you need to do now.

[Violet2]

Thanks mommas.

I don't think it will be messy. DH has some arrests related to his drinking so I don't know that he can make a convincing custody case. Going to AA and still drinking is not going to help him with that.

I've been the primary caregiver anyway.  I'm not sure I completely understand custody, but I would want full custody and have no problem with generous visitation. He's a good dad. I am nominally concerned that his drinking will spiral out of control since he doesn't have to be 'good' for me and doing that around DD. I am not sure how to handle that.

I would hope everything is amicable. I am not coming from a place of anger, just truth. He's not controlling his drinking and that's not what I want for my life.

His family is a bit toxic. His sister has a drinking problem and is very invested in denying DH has any issues because then she would have to face her own. Since she's a busybody, I would anticipate most problems to be driven from her end. But they also kind of hate me and since I don't think I'm being unreasonable about anything, they might just feel like it's good riddance.

All we basically have is debt so not much to divvy up. I would ask for some of his retirement  as I sacrificed mine in it's entirety for our child. He can have the house or we can sell it at a loss, whatever works for people.

Let me know if I'm missing anything obvious.

V

[Halfasianmomma]

Considering the current degree of his alcoholism and the fact that this is a progressive disease, I do hope that you're going to ask for some kind of supervision during visitation, as you will not be present to control or moderate the situation. I also hope that you are documenting the situation (listing the dates of his arrests, the daily amount of his alcoholic consumption, any event that would indicate that he isn't fit to be left alone with a child). As much as we, ex-spouses of alcoholics think that our alkie partners can't possibly be granted custody, there's a big movement for father's rights "no matter what". Where I live, a father would have to a convicted child molester in order to have custody removed from him, and even then, supervised visitation would be granted.

Are you going to be going through mediation to hammer out a custody agreement? That will reduce your amount of legal fees since you can just show up in court with your agreement already settled. It's a big headache when you're dealing with an abusive or intractable ex-partner however.