My Mom at my birth?

[hennaLisa]

My Mom popped the question last weekend - can she make plans to be at my baby's birth?

Pros - I had a relatively easy home birth the first time and don't particularly feel like I would have noticed her if she had been there. We only plan to have 2 kids, so this would be the last chance. Also, my only sibling doesn't plan to have any children so this is it. I'm within driving distance (7 hours) from her. She did birth me, and has always been supportive of our decision to home birth, even if she doesn't know all the research etc. She could probably be helpful with our son during labor.

Cons - She can be very self-centered and already asked if we could put a birthing pool in a particular room for better viewing. (We had been planning to birth in an oval bathtub in our tiny master bathroom.) I wanted all my husband's attention during my last labor - and even begrudged him for missing one contraction during the 15 hours while he was eating a bagel. My midwife supported me during that contraction, but all I could think was, "I'm not eating a bagel - why should he!" I could see my Mom making irritating comments, talking with my husband or midwife when I want their attention, complaining about scented candles or low lighting, trying to be helpful in ways that bother me, etc. My husband led me through beautiful meditations that he made up on the spot during our first labor - I'm not sure if he will feel as comfortable if she is present. I'm not sure we'll want anyone around during the labor and birth and I don't know if she'll accept that gracefully if we want privacy. She also might be tense or worried and I might perceive that and transfer her fears into my labor. I really sensed my husband's and midwife's calmness during my first labor and I think it rubbed off on me. My sister does live with us and has offered to care for our son while I'm in labor, although I know she would enjoy the help if the labor is very long. I'm actually the most worried about my Mom being around for a few days or weeks waiting for me to go into labor. I know we'll get on each others nerves and I don't want that to be the lead up to this birth! I really loved my first child's birth and want this one to be just as wonderful, if not more so, especially since it will probably be my last birth.

We thought about telling Mom we'll give her a call when labor starts and just hope she and my Dad can get up here by the time the birth happens. That way, she won't be around for weeks waiting and bothering me. But she does work part time and she knows that my first baby came five days early, so she is already trying to plan to take off work a week before my due date to come up. We've been trying to tell her we want her help after the baby arrives, but she insists we would benefit from her help beforehand too. What are your thoughts? Anyone with experience one way or the other? 

[Lyss]

Everyone is different.  My husband's mom really wanted to be there for the first one, and I invited my friends instead.  I was afraid his mom would need all his attention and I wouldn't get what I needed.  Then she decided not to even come to the hospital if she wasn't going to be there for the birth, and wound up not meeting our DD until she was 2 months old even though she only lived 40 minutes away.

I wouldn't want anyone there that I felt like would take away from my focus. 

It's hard to disappoint your mom, though.  Luckily, my mom has no interest in watching a birth.  Sadly, DH's mom died shortly after DS was born, and she never got to see a grandchild being born.

Maybe someone you have there (a doula?  your sister?) could gently re-direct your mom if she starts in on you guys.  Grandparents are so wonderful.  It would probably mean a lot to her.  But if it stalls your labor and you wind up with problems . . . .  That's a tough one.

[swell_mel]

Always a tough call! I had my mother at the birth of dd1. I wanted her there. I don't regret it. She was helpful and didn't do anything weird or annoying. But it was also my first labor and I had no clue what I would want or like. You know how you are supposed to make a list of all the things that relax you and that you'll want to bring with you. Well everything that I liked went out the window. The thought of music playing made my skin crawl. I just wanted to be left alone. So with dd2 I didn't invite my mom. It was dh only. I just wanted it to be us. I wanted us to share the moment of seeing dd2 for the first time. I was selfish and didn't want to share that with anyone else. :P But I also knew better what I wanted. I think if you have any reservations about her being there then it's probably better for her not to be. I think it's perfectly reasonable to let her know you'll call her as soon as you know you are in labor. And maybe if you'd want her help after the fact then maybe you could express how much more helpful she would be after the new baby is born.

[Italiamom]

From the sounds of it, having your mom there would be a stressor, not a blessing.  It is wonderful that you are grateful to your mom for birthing you, and it is sweet that you want to please her, and include her.  But birth isn't the place to worry about others.  It's not a place that you want family drama.  It's not a situation you want to have to regulate...  You mentioned having a homebirth (or, I suspect, with the placement of the tub), and I would assume that you're doing this at least in small part because it will keep focus on you.  YOU choose who will be there, focus will be on YOU, so that you can get your baby out safely and peacefully.

I remember talking with my midwife about being unable to imagine having my own mother at my son's birth, to which she said she was much relieved.  She commented that it seemed like a good portion of her stalled or difficult labors happened around mothers of the mother, who often had their own agenda.

From the (much longer) concern section you listed, I would vote no on having mom there for birth.  Just me, tho...

[goldingoddess]

Honestly with your concerns I would opt for not having her there.  I've been to a lot of births where the mom of the mom had to be essentially 'kicked out' because their energy was not beneficial to the birthing process.  You have a lot of concerns with having your mother there, and as hard as it is to say 'no' to her it is a lot easier than having to ask her to leave while you are in labor.

[sublimeliving]

I would invite her. That being said, I would give her specific jobs: keeping the scented candles lit, making sure the room stays dark (be in charge so no one turns the light on)... I guess, just the things you think she might complain about, mention how she can help make sure those things get done. That way, if she is going to complain, you will know ahead of time, and can let her know what you want. : )

[akmbloom]

When my 1st daughter was born (in the hospital), my mom was there and generally quite helpful, my husband's mom was there and NOT helpful at all.  She wasn't even in the room with us - she was supposed to be waiting in the waiting room and ended up floating around in the hallway, trying to peek in or listen to what was happening - but was very focused on how her own needs were supposedly not being met (um, ever think to bring a book along if you know you're probably going to be waiting at the hospital more than a couple hours? among many other things).  She took my husband's attention away from the birth or helping me, she irritated the nurses, and I felt much more inhibited than I might've otherwise, which I do think contributed to pain management issues and other stuff.  She was also there for only ONE day before the birth and I felt obliged to entertain her... she is a rather difficult/childish person, so take this with a grain of salt.  But... if you think your mother would be selfish/distracting/inhibiting, I would vote for no, don't invite her, and don't let her come beforehand.  I like sublimeliving's suggestion of giving her jobs to do, but I have to say that with my MIL, I can see her finding some reason not to do or "understand" the jobs she's been given and being a nuisance anyway.  This time (6ish weeks till my 2nd due date) I'm not even sure I want my mom there, but I'm having a midwife rather than an OB...

[hennaLisa]

Thanks for the thoughts! I think it helps somehow to give myself permission to tell her she can't come, or maybe soften the blow by letting her come when labor starts (meaning she might miss the whole thing if my labor is short this time) and harping on how much I want her there after the birth to help with the new addition.

At the same time, I think before I tell her either way, I'm going to write a birth plan and figure out all the things I would need to tell her if she did come. Maybe if I feel like I can communicate all those things and that she will be receptive, then I might try it.

I am already feeling a little like this birth is going to be a bit more public than my first. There is my son, who will be 3 years old. There's also my sister who lives in our basement and will help with him. We also have a nanny and small daycare (just 2-3 kids) that are in our house monday-friday during work hours. They mostly stay in a specific room, but I might be able to hear them and they might be able to hear me! I also think I have pretty high expectations for this birth. I had such a wonderful first birth, but didn't really know what to expect, so I spent the whole time thinking, "just wait, it will probably get bad later" - it just never did. So, I didn't really allow myself to enjoy it. I have been hoping that I will enjoy this one more and really be in the moment. I've never written a birth plan before...

[hennaLisa]

I do like Sublimeliving's suggestion of the jobs. I think my Mom might take well to that and get into it. At the same time, AKMbloom - your MIL sounds quite a bit like my Mom! For instance, at the dinner table at the restaurant where she popped the question, she also commented on my fitted shirt, saying, "Well your shirt sure doesn't leave anything to the imagination does it!" It's not like I'm hiding my pregnancy, but she has a way of saying things just right to irritate me!!!

[MrsBone]

I had my mom and my sister at my first birth. They were both very supportive, and we talked beforehand about how I may not know what I want or need exactly and to not have hurt feelings if I were to ask them to leave during labor. My sister had 2 homebirths, and my mom said she would have done it all over again (no hospital, all natural) if she could, so having everyone on the same page helped a lot. They both understood what I wanted and knew that it could change during labor. So, if all those conditions had not been met and I had any worry about them being there, I wouldn't have invited them. They ended up staying the whole time, and they were a great support, but in your case, if you fear that it will stall your labor, stress you out in anyway, I'd kindly tell her that you would prefer her to be there after birth is over and will take all the help and support you can get then!

[Marissamom]

my mom is amazingly supportive (had two homebirths herself), and normally wonderfully comforting to me, but since the thought of her seeing me exposed makes me feel really inhibited (I'm just really private, and the thought of being naked in front of her, or peeing or pooping just makes me feel stressed) and since I like having birth be an intimate experience between DF and I, she wasn't at my first birth, and will be present at my second birth only to take care of DD who will be 22 months. and we will be talking beforehand about how she is going to stay out of the room I'm birthing in. 

[noahs.mom06]

I have had my mom at both of my births, but I'm not planning on inviting her this time. I feel that having her there makes me feel like I have to "perform", because my first birth was an easy natural birth in the hospital. The last time didn't go as easily, for a number of reasons (it was a high-risk hospital birth). This time we're planning a homebirth and I really don't want a lot of extra people there (there will already be more people than I want, with at least 3 birth professionals (2 midwives and a doula), if not 4 (midwife's assistant), plus someone to help with the kids, and hopefully someone to take pictures). I think everything will just be better if we don't have any family outside of my husband, myself, and our kids present.

[homemademom]

I'm in the same situation. My mom was great help when I had my first, second and even third babies. But my last birth was not good with her there. I went overdue so she was just hanging around my house for a week and it was really annoying.  At the birth, she just hovered in my room. It wasn't that she was unhelpful. In fact, she probably was trying to stay very hands off. BUT I felt so watched and observed and inhibited. Even at the time, I wasn't able to verbalize that. I just know that I felt like a caged animal. So yeah, this time, I'm asking her to come after the birth to help with my other children.

[starrlamia]

I would go with what is in your heart and what feels right to you. My mom would want to be there if I was pg, but I would only want a midwife/doula/bf, and maybe not even all 3 lol.

[mclisa]

You need to take  your time and really feel out the situation.  It's different for everybody else, this is about you.

If you do decide for her to come, it might be helpful to talk with her about how your first labor went, what you would like to have changed, and what your expectations are for this labor (ie her role)

[jcregan]

I had originally invited my mom (hospital midwife birth).  I ended up induced with pit. and she was there for awhile, and helpful early on but thinking back she definitely was inhibiting DHs ability to help me (if that makes sense).  He is a quiet personality and likely felt uncomfortable with her there.   When it was getting later at night and I had not progress they turned the drip way down and gave me a sleeping pill and my mom left to go stay elsewhere for the night.  After that I threw up and quickly entered active labor and had DD about 4 hours later.  I love my mom dearly and if DH somehow could not be there I would invite my mom as a support person in a second.  But, I want DH as my main support and it turned out to be a good thing that she had left as it allowed him to play more of a roll.

I also learned I am a pretty independent birther and did not want much fussing etc. and so him being the quiet type worked out great.  This time I am hoping my mom will be able to come down for DD.  They are very very close and I think that would help DD adjust the best and feel the least scared/uncomfortable when we are gone for a day or so.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

sorry but she is already sounding controlling about the situation, if she is telling where to put the birthing pool! I know that historically women were present for births, but lets face it, many are not that close to family members anymore, family dynamics have changed. I personally don't like pushy people thinking they should be there, and, I have a different situation to deal with, my mom passed away many years ago and with my ds i didn't want anyone besides dh in the room, none the less, my grandma was offended, but she isn't a horrible person, we get along well, i just think that she could make comments that might upset me during the birth. When my sister gave birth 2 years ago, sister asked me to be there and i was, and my grandma was also hanging out in the room with my aunt and pretty much decided she and the aunt were staying, but I don't want someone deciding they are staying and she even went as far as bringing up that our mom was dead so she needed to be there, when my sister was about to push the baby out, I know I wasn't that great of a support person to my sister then but I was 3 days being back from India, terribly jet lagged and had spent most that night in the ER with my 2 year old, and barely made it in time for the birth,thinking back i should have made my grandma leave after that comment, but i didn't want to cause a scene, and the nurses, midwife said they could stay. I think that having a homebirth would set you up for your mom being more pushy and controlling, imo, because there are less people of authority there to make her leave the room if you needed, wanted etc. My grandma recently yelled at me for not letting her in the room when i was in labor with ds, and she said i need to let her in the room with this one, after she had offered to watch my ds, so I am just honestly considering leaving ds with dh's friends and not telling anyone until after the birth just so i can have some peace during my birth.

Good luck in your decision, it is a hard one!

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by akmbloom 

When my 1st daughter was born (in the hospital), my mom was there and generally quite helpful, my husband's mom was there and NOT helpful at all.  She wasn't even in the room with us - she was supposed to be waiting in the waiting room and ended up floating around in the hallway, trying to peek in or listen to what was happening - but was very focused on how her own needs were supposedly not being met (um, ever think to bring a book along if you know you're probably going to be waiting at the hospital more than a couple hours? among many other things). 

oh my gosh, yes it was so annoying, people would call the room and want to come visit or dh would go and smoke and say so and so is here in the waiting room, um then i feel like i need to get this baby out, people are waiting to see it, jeeze, now the more i read others stories the more I think I don't want to tell others I am in labor at all. I may just plan on having dh's friend keep ds and just tell family members, "it all happened so fast" and call them after DD is born. Is that horrible? I hope it does happen fast, ds was a horribly long labor 36 hours start to finish and that was getting pitocin after about 30 hours. I just hated people waiting around for me to produce the baby, ehm.
 

[laohaire]

Yeah, I'd want to say no if I were you. Especially if you think you would be annoyed by her talking or distracting your helpers or something - I guarantee you that's going to happen. I do see the pull to let her have this experience, but I do not think a grandmother is entitled to it and I think supporting the mother is not just first priority but pretty much the only priority.

My mom was actually better behaved at my birth than I should have expected but ultimately her presence was more a burden than a help (I'm sure she tried to help, but there was really nothing that my husband and midwife couldn't have handled). But I was also in laborland and didn't get a rat's ass that my mom was on the phone yakking to everyone on the planet during transition and pushing (and everybody heard my moaning which probably sounded really... uh... yeah.) If you are aware of these things, so much the worse, you know? I think that aspect more than anything else makes me think it would be a good idea to say sorry mom.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by hennaLisa 

Thanks for the thoughts! I think it helps somehow to give myself permission to tell her she can't come, or maybe soften the blow by letting her come when labor starts (meaning she might miss the whole thing if my labor is short this time) and harping on how much I want her there after the birth to help with the new addition.

I really wouldn't bank on a short labor stepping in and getting you "out" of the situation of just saying no to your mum.  You have permission!  You are important enough to just simply say, "I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out.

You can always blame it on the midwife.  Whenever I was having trouble with things like this, my midwife said I could just blame it on her.  "Sorry mom, but after talking with our midwife we just think it would be best...."