sad stay at home mom....

[HappyHappyMama]

 today, was not a good day dh came home and asked me what I had done all day.... I thought the hosue looked pretty good, we have 3 kids, 6,5 and 2 ( and I should mention here he wants another one! ) I had done a load of dishes 2 loads of laundry cleaned up twice, made the beds, bathed the kids, and everything else in between.... when he got home, I was at the table helping the boys put togeather their lego, and baby was on my lap " helping " aswell. we were all happy and waiting for daddy to get home, he gets home at 4:30 so I wasnt yet in the kitchen slaving over the stove... and he  just layed into me big time about their being clutter, and dishes, and maybe we should hire in some help, ( which I would totally do, but we cant afford it, plus he just said it cuz he knows Iam head strong and even if we could afford it I wouldnt allow it anyhow, he knows its a dagger to me when he says that.) iam just sad, I try hard all day to be balanced.... enough house work, but at the same time enough time spent with the kids.... needless to say I started to cry infornt of the kids, and it was a mess, a blissful day turned sour, when we were all expecting him to come home and be our cherry on top. sorry I just had to vent... I hate it when this happens, and I just needed to talk... anyone else ever go through this (I hope not.... but if so maybe we can talk. )

[Chamomile Girl]

Man, I hate stories like this.  You tell him that he has two hands and that you are busy doing your JOB taking care of HIS kids.  If he minds the dishes so very much he better get busy!!

WTF makes him think he has the power to criticize anyways?  Do you pick on him about how he does his work?

Men.  Hrumph!

[TreeRose]

Ugh I'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds like projection, personally.

My DH is our cherry on top too and when he's not "kind" it just ruins the whole evening. I washed dishes out of spite this evening because I didn't want to cry (again) about his bad attitude about hating his job. I don't complaining about my new job (I used to work 2 jobs, own my own business, etc. til we had DD 4 months ago and moved across the country to cheaper pastures)...

Anyway, maybe he's right and some people find joy in life despite its discomforts (like me) whereas other people can't find joy no matter how hard they look (like him).

So your DH sounds unhappy and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with you...

I wonder, if it ever strikes you in a non-defensive moment, if you asked him, what it means to him to have a clean home, what he's looking for, and why it's important.... I wonder if you'd learn something about him. I like a clean house because it makes me feel accomplished and "pretty" in a weird way I can't fully explain but I've had to give up a lot of those expectations over the last couple years. Life getting the best of us!

Rambling.

Just to say (((((hugs)))) and I know how you feel and I hope you feel better SOON.... hope he tries to heal those wounds he inflicted with kind words of appreciation, gratitude, respect, and love. You deserve it.

[NevadaMama]

First of all, major to you!! I know exactly how you feel, my DH hates his job and although he doesn't really criticize or pester me, sometimes he comes home from work and gives me that "look", that basically says "I go to a shitty job all day, come home and you are still in your PJs and there's no dinner on the table". I sometimes have to stop myself from screaming at him "yeah well, Lilly is a year old, you've never once pulled night duty, given her a bath, washed the diapers, dusted a damn thing, made dinner, picked up the toys, read her a story, or BF til your nipples bled. So F you!"

Seriously, it's not like I sat on the couch eating bon bons all day and watching General Hospital. Being a SAHM is beyond a full time job - he works 40 hours a week, I work 168. There are days when I feel like getting up early in the morning and just sneaking out and staying gone for 8 hours. Let's see how he does playing Mr. Mom for an entire day.

Anyway, I don't have any real solutions, since I am a complete wuss and always keep my mouth shut. But I do totally understand your need to rant. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

[HappyHappyMama]

see I knew there was a reason I came here to vent, you ladies made me fee l so much better thank you for taking the time to listen! I have to tell you, not long after I  posted this  he came and apologized, he felt really bad, and he said he had no right coming into the house like that and upsetting us. it still sucks it happend, but Iam glad he came to apologize, and he knows he has hurt me the way he did...

 gah, I just get so mad, when I spend all day waiting for him to come home, and then boom.... next thing you know Iam wishing he hadnt!  that just makes me so sad! and then I feel guilty thinking I should have done more, I should have done this, or that.... then I get mad cuz it just shouldnt be that way, he should be happy he has 3 happy, and very very loved kids, I know he is, but when he is frustrated, I guess he just gets mad and lashes out at me... somthing we/he has to work on I guess...

 anyhow thank you all for being there for me today, I really needed it!

[happysmileylady]

 There are days when I feel like getting up early in the morning and just sneaking out and staying gone for 8 hours. Let's see how he does playing Mr. Mom for an entire day

 Totally do it!  really!  I am not 100% SAHM, I work very part time, about 10 hours a week.  The kids stay with DH while I work, but my shifts are usually only 5 hours, right over bed time.  Well, the week before Christmas, I was scheduled for an 8 hour shift during the day on a Saturday.  Wow, when I came home.....The cushions were off all the couches, the 2 year old was running around with no shirt on (because she's female, this isn't something we usually do-don't discourage, but since we dress her instead of her, we always just put a shirt on, she doesn't object yet, nor can she take off her shirt yet...IOW, DH didn't get a clean shirt on her after he took off the one she dirtied with her lunch,)  the 3 month old was vocally expressing her displeasure with the fact that Daddy was the one rocking her, there was barely a path through the downstairs, all they had eaten all day was cut up fruit (so all of the fruit for the whole next week was gone) and DH looked like his head was going to explode.  Not in an angry way, just totally frazzled and spent.  I asked if he was ok, he said the girls have been fed, they aren't dead, and at the moment the 2 year old was still happy, and no he did NO housework   I asked if he would ever be a SAHP, he said no, never, he is now incredibly glad he has to go to work.  He has a new and admiring respect for what I do all day while he's at work.  And he wasn't one who ever complained about what I do all day!

Edited by happysmileylady - 12/31/10 at 6:31am

[mommariffic]

Man I hate when stuff like this happens 

Sometimes me and the kids are having the perfect, cozy day and wham! DH ruins it with one snarky remark. I think it's so easy for them to project if they have had a bad day...it's not fair. 

[McGucks]

No advice, really, just HUGE admiration for what you do!  I have a 9 month old and very vividly remember when he was around 3 months and it literally took me...in bits and pieces...from 4 p.m. until 6:30 to get a very simply homemade mac and cheese ready for DH by the time he got home from work.  That was it.  And it wasn't finished when he got home, either.  Don't know how you do it all with three kids!  Plus all those chores!  You are a goddess, no less!  Your DH just doesn't know and can't understand because he hasn't been there/done that.  My DH is great in that he never complains about what hasn't been done.  He was laid off (self-employed carpenter) for a solid several months after DS2 was born, so he stayed home and well understands, first hand, how much effort all this takes (to do it well). 

[cappuccinosmom]

I'm glad he apologized.

If this is a one-off thing, I'd let it go, honestly.  He apologized.  He very likely wasn't going after you, but venting frustration from something totally different (work).  It's not right, but we all occasionally misplace anger and frustration.  The only thing we can do then is to apologize and hope the other person is forgiving.  Which he did.

I totally understand the sadness.  My dh does not understand how his moods affect the whole family.  I am very understanding when he's had a bad day at work and comes home unhappy, but when he walks in the door and immediately starts snapping and snarling, he gives me no chance to find out whether he's upset at me, or mad about something at work, I have to go into defense mode immediately.  We have talked about this alot, and he is slowly beginning to understand.  But it has taken several years.

[TreeRose]

I brought this up with my DH this morning over breakfast... tears came to both of our eyes as I explained the "cherry on top" metaphor. He said it really helped him to hear that and understand that. I don't know if it will make a difference on his bad days but it sure felt good to say it out loud... that the source of the frustration is actually the beauty of loving each other and wanting to spend time together.

Glad he apologized!!!

[Veslemor]

I have been there more times than I care to count.  I'm wondering if there's one chore that you do that could become his?  Something magical happened when my husband took on a chore as "his".  Really, the dishwasher broke, and rather than buy a new one, he declared that he would wash the dishes from then on.  Nothing else changed (except for that I no longer wash dishes ) and he just really doesn't get on my case about housework like he used to.  I was pondering how this was possible, then heard on NPR about a study that showed that marriages where the man does at least some of the housework are statistically happier marriages.  I still don't know How it works, but it certainly seems That it works.

Good Luck!

[philomom]

I can't seem to find it right now but there is an old MDC thread about picking up and staging things a little for the breadwinner's arrival home. 

I did this because he's been away from home all day and I want him to come home to a place that's warm and welcoming. When the kids were small, I'd have the place tidied up, mail where he could find it, good dinner simmering on the stove and nice music playing. The kids would jump all over him and he would kiss me. It was good times. 

Now, I didn't do all that because I believe in some Leave It To Beaver mentality, I did it to be nice and if the situation were reserved this is how I'd like the place to be when I got home.

[HappyMommy2]

Originally Posted by philomom 

I can't seem to find it right now but there is an old MDC thread about picking up and staging things a little for the breadwinner's arrival home. 

I did this because he's been away from home all day and I want him to come home to a place that's warm and welcoming. When the kids were small, I'd have the place tidied up, mail where he could find it, good dinner simmering on the stove and nice music playing. The kids would jump all over him and he would kiss me. It was good times. 

Now, I didn't do all that because I believe in some Leave It To Beaver mentality, I did it to be nice and if the situation were reserved this is how I'd like the place to be when I got home.

I remember that thread.  And I do think it is a great idea.  I let my husband pick ONE thing, because I just can't always have everything perfect.  I asked him if he could just have one, which would it be?  His things are dinner, a clean counter, and a tidy living room.  When forced to pick ONE, he chose the counter.  So I try to always make sure at least that is done. 

Since he is appreciative, I try to do other things too.  But boy, a little unappreciation sure makes me not want to cook dinner!!  (meaning, he gets to cook)
 

[major_mama11]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady 

 There are days when I feel like getting up early in the morning and just sneaking out and staying gone for 8 hours. Let's see how he does playing Mr. Mom for an entire day

 Totally do it!  really!  I am not 100% SAHM, I work very part time, about 10 hours a week.  The kids stay with DH while I work, but my shifts are usually only 5 hours, right over bed time.  Well, the week before Christmas, I was scheduled for an 8 hour shift during the day on a Saturday.  Wow, when I came home.....The cushions were off all the couches, the 2 year old was running around with no shirt on (because she's female, this isn't something we usually do-don't discourage, but since we dress her instead of her, we always just put a shirt on, she doesn't object yet, nor can she take off her shirt yet...IOW, DH didn't get a clean shirt on her after he took off the one she dirtied with her lunch,)  the 3 month old was vocally expressing her displeasure with the fact that Daddy was the one rocking her, there was barely a path through the downstairs, all they had eaten all day was cut up fruit (so all of the fruit for the whole next week was gone) and DH looked like his head was going to explode.  Not in an angry way, just totally frazzled and spent.  I asked if he was ok, he said the girls have been fed, they aren't dead, and at the moment the 2 year old was still happy, and no he did NO housework   I asked if he would ever be a SAHP, he said no, never, he is now incredibly glad he has to go to work.  He has a new and admiring respect for what I do all day while he's at work.  And he wasn't one who ever complained about what I do all day!

We had a similar experience when I went back to work for the first shift after my 2nd was born. I work PT and we mostly do tag-team parenting. That was his first experience managing both kids for more than an hour, and he was SO much more understanding from that point on!

[lightinmyhands]

My DH has done that a few times, and every once in awhile I'll leave him with the girls (7 and 1.5) for a day and I'll come home and he'll apologize to me from the bottom of his heart for ever being grumpy with me that household stuff isn't done because the kids are a lot of work.  Then time will pass since the last time he's been their sole caregiver for any length of time and he'll get grumpy with me again, and then I figure it's just time he did some baby sitting to gain a little perspective.  :)

[philomom]

Originally Posted by lightinmyhands 

 I figure it's just time he did some baby sitting to gain a little perspective.  :)

Not to pick on you per say, but this language peeves me. Fathers do not "babysit" their own children. They may take a turn solo parenting while mom has an afternoon out but they are parenting.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Originally Posted by lightinmyhands 

 I figure it's just time he did some baby sitting to gain a little perspective.  :)

Not to pick on you per say, but this language peeves me. Fathers do not "babysit" their own children. They may take a turn solo parenting while mom has an afternoon out but they are parenting.

Agreed.  I'm a WOHM and DH is a SAHD...I don't consider him babysitting when I go to work, nor when I take a run to the store or library, whether or not I take one or two children with me.  Am I babysitting my kids when DH goes to the gym and works out for an hour or two?  (After my parents' divorced, my dad got custody and didn't re-marry for almost 8 years...so he got a lot of solo-parenting time).

But, to the OP, sorry he was so grumpy.  I've been there (in his shoes, in a way), come home--starving, and a mess, (from last night and all day today...that DH told me not to worry about, so I assumed he'd take care of it) all over the counter.  Every pot and pan and dish dirty.  And the kids begging for something to eat.  I mean, the holding onto me, screaming and crying so I can't do anything.  It takes me an hour to clean up the kitchen so that I can begin to make supper.  I'm tired, sometimes mentally, sometimes physically.   (I do get to come home for lunch, but there isn't much time to do anything but make lunch, eat and get my tush back to the office).
 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Mama, this happens to me all the time. DH never says anything like that to me, but I totally get the "cherry on top" turning into "MAJOR bummer" type of thing. All day long I'm watching the clock and waiting for DH to come home and sometimes he walks in the door grumpy and it really spoils my afternoon.

I'm sorry that happened to you.