What options do you offer when kids refuse main meal you cook? - Page 3

[Katielady]

Ditto to a PP's recommendation for Ellyn Satter. We used to get into major food battles with my picky eater DS, and we tried everything- bribing with desserts, forcing, a reward chart. Now we follow Ellyn's plan, which is basically....

-Follow a division of responsibility for eating. Parents decide what will be served and when. Kids decide whether to eat each item served, and how much.

-No cajoling, bribing, no pressure of any kind on the kid to eat any item.

-Serve healthy meals and snacks at regular times, and make sure to include at least one thing you know the kid likes (like bread).

-No alternatives if the kid doesn't want to eat what's served.

-No eating between meals. If he doesn't care for what's served at lunch and is hungry an hour later, he has to wait til snack to eat more. But with snacks coming at regular times 2x/day, he doesn't have to wait long. This part is crucial because it ensures they come to the table hungry and ready to eat the healthy stuff you've made. DS used to fill up on cereal and crackers between meals and wouldn't eat at mealtimes.

That's pretty much it! So to give an example, this is how dinner worked at our house last night. I served a Moroccan vegetable stew ( ), chicken, brown rice, and bread. DS didn't want to try the stew, and doesn't care for brown rice (sigh), so he had chicken and bread. DD had some of everything. We all ate together, made conversation, and didn't focus at all on who was eating what- we didn't comment on how DD ate the stew when DS didn't, though it was tempting. Not the most balanced meal for DS, but he will make up for it at another meal. And he woke up really hungry this morning because he ate so little, and had a lot of eggs and toast this morning.

I love it. I think it will really help him develop into an enthusiastic eater, and it keeps me from going insane at mealtime. At our lowest with this stuff, I remember having to leave the table and go to my room to cry and jump up and down, I was so frustrated. So happy to have a better plan now!

[tabrizia]

Generally we don't offer an alternative at dinner, but both mine are young.  When they are older I don't have an issue with them getting themselves a yogurt or peanut butter sandwich if they don't like dinner.  We always offer a before bed snack though so if DS doesn't eat much dinner he does have something he has eaten that evening.  Normally it is something like a couple of slices of cheese, to give him some protein to help him go to sleep.

[eunytuny]

My son is 4 and like all kids, he goes through phases. My rule of thumb is not to take things day by day. I take it week by week. If he had a good enough variety of food over the last week, I'll let him slide on a meal. I dont often offer alternatives. If he doesnt want dinner, that's fine, but if he gets hungry, I will reheat. About a month ago, he told me he wants to be a chef. Now, if he doesnt want to try something, I'll tell him that a chef always tastes new things and he likes that idea. I require one taste of anything new. After that, he can reject it. 

[full of boys]

With our boys they are opposites. One will eat salad and veggies over meat and bread any day. The other one will frown (literally) with every bite of "healthy" food.

Their ages are 3 (salad eater) and 2.5 (meat eater). We foster/adopt, explaining the closeness in age.

Given that we need to keep them eating balanced meals and not just carbs then we do monitor the intake of their foods. I cook most all our foods and keep them as rounded as possible and within the child realm of good.

I make a meal and the children are given their plates. If child no 1 eats his salad and vegetables first we congratulate him and ask him to have some bites of his meat (we don't want to push it if he really does not like to eat meat). He doesn't have to eat it all either just a few bites. If he likes it he can finish it. If he doesn't he doesn't have to.

Child 2 is a bit more stubborn. He will want to eat all his bread or meat but never anything else. So with him we make him eat his healthy foods first (even if just a few bites of each) and then if he has done so he may have the things he desires. IF he is being stubborn about it and making awful faces he can get down from the table and go sit in his room until dinner is over. His plate is then saved until next meal time. He will be presented with the foods again and asked to eat a few bites of the foods. Eventually he will eat the foods presented to him. We explain to him that you do not have a choice in what you are served but you do have a choice of how much you eat. You will not turn up your nose at anything that is not grilled cheese or pb&j so you will eat what is given to you or you will opt to not eat for that meal.

I do keep a mental note of things that they do and do not like and I try not to repeat offensive foods within reason.

He is learning that foods re-heated are NOT fun.

[redpajama]

What The4OfUs and nono5 said resonates with me, and some combination of the two best reflects my feelings about food and kids.  

In general, if I prepare a meal (which is how dinner happens and how lunch occasionally happens), it is what is served.  To everyone.  For lunch, I'm more likely to ask what they want--if one wants a turkey sandwich, and another wants a salad, I'll make them each what they want.  But if I happen to make a pot of soup or pasta or something for lunch (as I'm more inclined to do on the weekends when my husband is home) then I expect everyone to eat it.

That said, I don't like forcing kids to eat, and I don't.  If they don't want to eat what is being served, I don't mind them eating raw veggies.  It almost never comes to that, though.  One of my children doesn't care for tomatoes, but has agreed to try them every time I serve something with them and then pick around them.  Another doesn't like onions (well, she doesn't *think* she likes onions--I think what she really doesn't like is *raw* onions, but whatever), and so she picks around those when necessary.  

We don't have a lot of food battles, and I'm not sure if that's because we've always exposed the kids to a lot of different foods and have never offered alternatives, or if it's because...we're lucky.  =)

If I am making something particularly spicy (which my husband and I enjoy, but my kids do not) I typically offer them a way to offset it--more rice in proportion to their spicy Indian food, for example, or a little milk/cheese to add to a spicy corn chowder I make.  Or no jalepenos on their half of the pizza.  Things like that.  If there wasn't a way to do that, I might offer an alternative.

[sharon71]

My girls are 15,13 and 5 yrs, I do allow them to choose something else if they don't like what I've made.

the teens are old enough to cook/grab something else.

I don't "force" them to just try a bite,clean their plate,use food as a reward or punishment,etc.

[nextcommercial]

I just make enough of a selection for each meal.  It's never just one thing on the plate, so they can eat more of what they like, and less or none of what they don't like.  

I'm not one to offer only what they LOVE.  They can like it less or more and still eat some of it.  If they HATE it, or even dislike it, that's fine... don't eat that.  But, I'm not making something else instead.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly 

I no longer give meal alternatives. I used to, but my DS became used to demanding exactly what he wanted when he wanted it and never touched vegetables. It was always soup or PBnJ or hot dogs etc. The closest he got to healthy was sugared yogurt.

So I no longer buy the foods that are the worst offenders, limit the sugared yogurts and I started telling him that he could eat what was served or wait until snack time/next meal. I also never make him sit at the table and eat if he says he isn't hungry.

Since doing this, he now eats salads which is a *major* breakthrough. I found a sweet dressing he enjoys and will eat raw veggies. He eats roasted veggies and has even commented that he likes some veggies. Broccoli, roasted brussels sprouts, corn, carrots.

I think some kids might need to be catered to, but in other kids, it only encourages unhealthy eating patterns.

I think I agree with you, I have 2 kids, my eldest is almost 19 and was never a picky kid. I have a 5 yo and while I have tried to avoid power struggles over food I have reached the point where I think allowing her to have a choice has created unhealthy eating habits. Her entrees of choice are meat, Annie's Shells and Cheese and scrambled eggs...that is it. Getting vegetables into her if they are not disguised takes negotiations, etc. Yet at school (she is in kindy) on the days she eats lunch at school she eats what is served yet offer the same thing at home (grilled cheese is a perfect example) and its a sudden and emphatic no.

For the past year I was willing to offer yogurt, cheese, fruit if she didn't like the dinner but that is turned into every night if she doesn't like dinner she wants one of those alternatives. So we are slowly moving away from offering alternatives at meal time. Even having her help me in the kitchen often does not result in her wanting to eat the food she helps cook. I think some kids are truly picky with no underlying reason.

[mizliz72]

No alternatives here.  I don't mind if someone else does it with their kids, I just choose not to do it with mine.  When SD was younger and lived with SO and his parents, she only ate mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, pasta, pizza, Chinese take-out, ramen noodles.  When she was 3 1/2 the three of us moved in together and we began eating the same meal as a family every night.  Often we argued over food and her not wanting certain things we made.  I deal with SD the same way my mom dealt with me (and I was such a picky eater!): we really want her to eat what's in front of her.  If she doesn't, fine, but she doesn't get any "snack" or desert, and if she's hungry later she can finish her meal.  We will however say "Eat half of what's there" or "At least eat A and B and leave C" while most times my mom didn't give an inch.  We also often don't give her the sauce something is cooked in if she doesn't like it, and give her ketchup instead.  She's a LOT better about it now, as she's gotten a bit older and I'm sure her palette has developed more - she LOVES broccoli as long as I steam it and serve it with butter and lemon juice the way my mom did (and I LOVED it growing up) when a year ago I'd only be able to get her to eat one bite, and that might take all night.  What makes this a sensitive topic for me is that SO's grandmother totally butted in and actually took me aside one day after we'd discussed "making" SD eat things she didn't want to, and tried tell me that I shouldn't do that and should even offer her a bowl of cereal or something if she didn't want what I made.  I was pissed and insulted and felt that she should butt out and keep her thoughts to herself because SO is the only person who has the right to question how I help him raise his child.  No kid died from going a little hungry if they refused to eat what was put in front of them.  SD rarely puts up a fight anymore, and when she does turn up her nose, she either eats it anyway or we might bargain with her and get her to eat some or most of it.  I also tell her to eat what she likes least first to get it over with and save the yummy stuff for last, and use milk to wash down the yucky stuff; that's what I used to do and that's what I still do!

[Dar]

Originally Posted by kgianforti 

With my girls, they eat what I make but I don't make them eat every crumb on the plate. If they don't want to eat it, they don't get any snacks and I often just tell them it will be dinner if they don't eat it now.

So you just put their lunch in the refrigerator if they don't eat it, and then 6 hours later you pull it out and serve it to them for dinner? That doesn't sound kind...

If my kid didn't eat something substantial (protein) every few hours she would melt down into a blob of screaming goo, so I don't think I ever considered not helping her find something she liked for a meal. When she was 6 she had an extremely limited culinary repertoire but it expanded again. I remember reading something at the time about how children between about 4 and 6 were very vulnerable to food poisoning, biologically speaking, because they were usually weaned but their immune systems were not mature. Therefore, it was adaptive for them to stick to a few trusted foods, to reduce their chances of getting sick. This may or may not actually be true, but it made me feel better at the time. 

Today she eats lots of stuff, by the way... pretty much anything, really, and lots of veggies.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by kgianforti 

With my girls, they eat what I make but I don't make them eat every crumb on the plate. If they don't want to eat it, they don't get any snacks and I often just tell them it will be dinner if they don't eat it now.

  Does breakfast becomes lunch and if they don't eat it then does it becomes dinner?  What about dinner? Does it become breakfast the next day? Where do you draw the line? 

 

[maisiedotes]

I love the idea of unlimited fruit for dessert.  I need to try that- DH has it in his head that dessert has to be cookies or ice cream.    DS (1) will eat anything as long as it is pureed, but DD is 3 and is quite difficult. She, as a PP said, will decide one day she doesn't like potatoes, and another day she doesn't like broccoli.  We usually ask her to at least have a few bites of each thing on her plate, or to just try something if she has never had it before, and if she doesn't want that, DH tells her no snack.  I am not a fan of that because I always was forced to eat everything on my plate- I hated HATED meat, I would gag on it, spit it out, drop it on the floor, stuff my mouth with it and run into the bathroom and spit it out... I don't want to do that to her. 

So I will offer her oatmeal, yogurt with granola, fruit or cereal.  Sometimes she can have a peanut butter and jelly- but I offer her one option only if she won't eat dinner.  Depends on what we have in the house.  At least it is something healthy so I know she is not going to bed hungry... 

I am enjoying this thread and getting great ideas.  I came to the board to post this exact question.

[pinky]

Originally Posted by A&A 

I thank my lucky stars that I have bountiful food supplies in my house to share with my children, and therefore I'm always happy to give them an alternative.  I do insist that they eat some sort of protein if they're not eating dinner--so cheese, yogurt, soup, whatever. 

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

Originally Posted by kgianforti 

With my girls, they eat what I make but I don't make them eat every crumb on the plate. If they don't want to eat it, they don't get any snacks and I often just tell them it will be dinner if they don't eat it now.

  Does breakfast becomes lunch and if they don't eat it then does it becomes dinner?  What about dinner? Does it become breakfast the next day? Where do you draw the line? 

 

I'm feeling that way about this, too. And I'm one of the "inflexible" mamas, too, and this still doesn't sit right with me. For one, I've had food safety training, and most experts will recommend against warming-over a dish multiple times. Secondly, I wouldn't ask a child to eat something that I find disgusting, and I find certain dishes that have been warmed-over to be disgusting. Thirdly, I don't think we achieve anything by making food into a battleground. I think it's too harsh. I don't offer alternatives, or beg, or bribe, or bargain, to get my kids to eat. I just put good healthy food on the table at regular times, and put my attention on teaching reasonable table manners and social behavior at the table-- what they eat, from the choices offered, and how much, is up to their individual appetites.

[madskye]

I always make sure there's at least one thing DD likes, and I'm fortunate that there are many foods that she does like.  Then is she tries whatever unusual food I've cooked it's a bonus.

One thing that helps us is that we eat later--dinner is usually around 6:45-7pm when my DH gets home.  She goes to bed at 8, so there's not really time for her to "be hungry" afterward.  I also usually give her a snack at 5pm when she's doing her homework, so if dinner's not a hit, I know she ate something just a bit ago.  She is 5 years old and slender--her stomach is just not that big.  She's pretty good about eating when she's hungry and turning down anything (even ice cream) if she's not hungry so I really trust her to know her body and what she needs at this point.

That said, she's a pretty intense little girl and I definitely see a link to food and mood with her.  So I do press her a bit to eat protein and have a full belly so she doesn't get cranky.   

[Tumble Bumbles]

I happily provide alternatives because I treat my daughter how I would want to be treated. I'm fortunate that my husband will eat virtually anything I prepare, but I don't take it personally if people communicate they don't care for ____ or they don't eat ___. I don't make dinner guests "take one bite" of everything or deny them desserts if they don't eat my vegetables. If I am serving dinner for anyone else in the world, I ask them what they like, what they prefer, what they don't care for, if they do/don't like spicy food, etc....I extend the same consideration to my children, who I love far more than any dinner guest (no offense dinner guests lol). I don't see it as much different than providing an alternative for a child with an allergy. A physical inability to eat something is no different in our opinion than a psychological/sensory/aversion etc to eating it. The difference is, people think children with the latter are "bratty" or "spoiled" or whatever, when in most cases it's simply not true.

It takes NO more time for me while I'm in the kitchen anyway to get her some yogurt/pb&j/cheese and fruit or whatever if I know she doesn't like what I am making. Many of my dishes are casseroles and such with lots of ingredients and intense flavors and for a 5yo with sensory issues and a fairly bland palate, it's just too much for me to expect her to eat the way we eat at this point. Yes, I did everything "right" - her first foods were avocado/mashed sweet potatoes .. I even recall black beans as being a favorite finger food -- but slowly her palate became more limited and it is what it is. I refuse to make food a battle/punishment/reward/bribe or give it any negative power over our lives. Mealtimes are for connecting as a family, not fighting over one-more-bites or refusing desserts (which are rare anyway) or whatever.

That having been said, I won't whip up an entirely separate meal, though I will reserve some plain pasta before adding other ingredients or whatever (as that takes no time or effort). The other things she can mostly get herself, and are generally healthy although not as varied as I would like. Today she ate 2 apples and some organic yogurt for dinner. Again, not ideal but I'd rather her eat that than what some families consider "meals". Again, it takes virtually no more time or effort for me to do this, so to deny her that would be for nothing other than a battle of wills or to display some "power" over her and her body.

We do encourage her to try new things, without pressure or coercion and I've noticed her willingness lately to at least try it, even if she decides she doesn't like it.

[OkiMom]

I try to make sure there is something everyone likes at every meal. If its not on the table and its not a vegetable/fruit then its not going to be ate at that meal. My family doesn't have the money for my girls to decide at random moments they won't eat what I prepared and want me to prepare something totally different for them. Also, I know if I let my oldest have the alternative of a PB&J or yogurt then that's all she would eat. To me that isn't healthy. I want to guide the girls to eating a healthy diet, which includes fruits and vegetables. My parents never did that for my brothers and I (we ate veggies maybe once a day, canned, heated in the microwave) and my brothers refuse to eat anything that's fresh other than apples and bananas.

I don't make them eat anything, they are given the option of not eating what they don't want to, however I'm not making them a special meal. The only time it differs is if there is a medical reason why. If they aren't feeling well, hurt, taking a med that makes them sick to their stomach etc just getting them to eat ANYTHING is hard so they get whatever it is that I can get them to eat within reason. But when they pick something I'm not going to make a second meal because they decided they didn't want the first. My oldest is bad about this when she isn't feeling well, she will change her mind about what shes wants 10-20 times if you let her and I really don't have the resources/time to make 10-20 different meals at each meal time.

I also have times where the kitchen is closed with the exception of special occasions. My daughters started getting into the habit of waking up at 2-3 am and wanting me to get up and make a meal for them. The first few days I did because i figured they were growing. After 3-4 days I stopped because I just couldn't do it anymore. Now both girls know that the kitchen closes at 9pm and opens back up at 6am, if they want anything between those times they are welcome to help themselves to the fresh fruit on the counter and get themselves a drink. Might sound mean but I am already sleep deprived, getting up and making food in the middle of the night isn't going to happen. I need to sleep sometime.

[K1329]

Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness 

Eat what's there or you're just out of luck. When my kids can buy and prepare their own foods, then they can have alternate meals. Until then, it is what it is.

I do usually plan meals around what it is I know they like and will eat. But I refuse to make spaghetti more than once every couple of weeks and I won't make lasagna frequently(DH hates it). If the kids got to plan what they ate, it would not end up being a well-rounded diet at all. 

They do have autonomy to choose snacks and breakfast most of the time. But dinner is my domain. I do make a meal plan each week and it's posted on the fridge so they know what's coming. If they say, "But I don't want ____," well, oh well!

Dd may voice discontent with the meal - we just had chicken last night, but, she is not a TRUE picky eater. She loves all, literally all foods. But, ds is another story. He will go hungry, doesn't like pies, cakes, sweets, most meats, most veggies - you get the idea. If I didn't offer him an alternative - he would just choose to go bed hungry. His alternatives are peanut butter sandwich (doesn't like jelly) or cereal. Luckily, he loves fruits and vegetable juices, and some protein sources, or, I would be worried.

Just wanted to point out the obvious, lol. That there are varying degrees of pickiness and what works for some children will not work for others.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by full of boys 

Child 2 is a bit more stubborn. He will want to eat all his bread or meat but never anything else. So with him we make him eat his healthy foods first (even if just a few bites of each) and then if he has done so he may have the things he desires. IF he is being stubborn about it and making awful faces he can get down from the table and go sit in his room until dinner is over. His plate is then saved until next meal time. He will be presented with the foods again and asked to eat a few bites of the foods. Eventually he will eat the foods presented to him. We explain to him that you do not have a choice in what you are served but you do have a choice of how much you eat. You will not turn up your nose at anything that is not grilled cheese or pb&j so you will eat what is given to you or you will opt to not eat for that meal.

I do keep a mental note of things that they do and do not like and I try not to repeat offensive foods within reason.

He is learning that foods re-heated are NOT fun.

That's a shame...we love leftovers at our house. However most of the people I know who were re-served meals until they ate them hate leftovers and buy their lunches, etc.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by redpajama 

We don't have a lot of food battles, and I'm not sure if that's because we've always exposed the kids to a lot of different foods and have never offered alternatives, or if it's because...we're lucky.  =)

We do allow (boring) alternatives, but my son doesn't avail himself of them very much...and I think a good part of that is luck, and some is keeping the pressure down (and the alternatives healthy and boring). A different child might need a different approach. He's kind of veggie-oriented anyway.