MIL woes...

[WindyCityMom]

How can I get through to her?  I'm sure everyone knows my backstory already but in a nutshell, we're living in MILs basement apartment, moving is not an option right now.

MIL has recently been doing things that go against our belief system and how we want to raise our children..

Examples:

-We plan on (well, I guess we are) unschooling our 3yoDD.  MIL knows this and opposes this because I'm not "qualified".  She continues to buy our DD backpacks "for school" and paper "for school".

-DD is TV free except for the occasional episode of Little Bear when she's sick and needs to sit still (she's really active, lol).  We're also a strictly Disney etc. free home.  We don't do liscensed characters- period.  We've had DD stay at MILs house for an hour or so a few times recently so we could go grocery shopping in the freezing cold and we come back to find her watching cartoons or Diz movies.  MIL also has given my DD Disney coloring books I think to spite us..

-We don't do markers.  Really it's because she's not quite old enough to be responsible enough to use them.  I don't mind cleaning up DD or her mess but when she puts them in her mouth constantly and gets a ton of ink in there.. well yeah.  Occasionally, while being carefully supervised, sure.  MIL knows this and got DD a ton of markers for her birthday.

-DD's birthday was supposed to be her, her 2yo cousin, and her 3yo cousin (and moms and a younger sibling).  MIL went and TOOK OVER and invited a ton of people and kids.  We wrapped up our part of the party and DD and I left... but I couldn't believe MIL did that.

Anyways, there are a ton more things... but she just straight out goes against what we tell her.  Is there anything we can tell her or any way we can help her understand?  Or is she just flat out toxic?

[geekgolightly]

What have you told her and have you reiterated it when she has done things that are against how you want to raise your DD? What has been her verbal response to you?

[CarrieMF]

You are living in her house.  You have to make consessions.   

You don't want her doing some things but you are letting her watch your dd.  Either stop letting her watch her or let some things go.

If you are planning on  unschooling & MIL is buying stuff that's her problem. Let her waste her money.

I'd let the markers thing go.

Unless you were paying for a bunch of extra people I don't see the birthday party as being a big deal & rude to just up & leave when the party was for your dd.

[babymommy2]

I think you need to pick your battles.

The birthday party would bug me a lot, I think you did the right thing by just leaving.

The markers, I wouldn't make a big deal aobut it, either supervise with them, let this be a "grandma and grandaughter" activity for her to do in her part of the house and her to clean up after, or put them away until she is ready, it really won't be that long until she can use them if she is already 3. This is a small thing, if you let every little thing drive you crazy you will be miserable! Same with the backpacks and paper, they can be used for so much more than "school".

As far as the TV, personally I think there is a big diffence between expectations of a care provider for occasional once in awhile use, and everyday use. I'd let a lot more go if it was once in awhile. But that is up to you what is acceptable to you. You also have to accept that when she is in someone else's care, you loose control regardless of who is caring for her, other may or may not respect your decisions. You either have to never leave her there, or accept that it won't be what you want, you can't make your MIL behave a certain way, but you can control when and if she takes care of her.

[WindyCityMom]

Oh yeah I know the markers aren't such a big deal, I was just throwing things off the top of my head.

I try my hardest not to let MIL watch my DD and i guess it's what I deserve.  It really stinks to have no living family members and no trustworthy friends able to care for my children if I need to run errands or something.

My MIL just tells my DD that the stuff is FOR SCHOOL.  It bugs me.  I don't care if my DD "plays school".  I'm not trying to eliminate every thought of school from my DD's mind.  It's just that my MIL doesn't have the right intentions, kwim?  Fortunately my DD has proclaimed her bumblebee backpack to be her "beach bag" for the summer.

The party was something out of this world... It was supposed to be from 11am-2pm.  We left at around 3pm.  MIL wrapped it up and her guests went home around 10pm.  For the amount of time that we were there, my DD was horribly overwhelmed.  MIL KNOWS she gets overwhelmed.  MIL knew my wishes and we had agreed.  I just don't get it.

MIL denies that she does some of these things and twists everything I say.

[geekgolightly]

I agree with this, but I know some people's tolerances of what is ok and what isn't are less flexible than my own.

I also deeply empathize because I am living with my MIL right now as well. We are paying her bills, but we also can't afford to move out, so we are stuck as well.

My MIL is insistent on making sure my DS eats food at every meal, even when he is not hungry and feeding him lots of sweets as well. Lots of bread and pasta are bought here and we are essentially primal (or try to be! It's very hard when there are cakes and cookies and breads etc etc.). When she asks Seth if he has had dinner and he says I am not hungry she will not let it go until he has eaten the dinner she thinks is appropriate and has a dessert after. She even trys to tempt him with dessert! "If you eat this pasta, I will give you some cake." UGH!!!!! This happened not two nights ago.

I have found that I am lots happier when I essentially ignore her. I said that night, "Well he says he is not hungry and he will not dry up and blow away if he misses a meal." She continued and I let her. Seth looked at me, and I said, "Honey, it's up to you. If you are hungry eat. If you are not hungry, you do not have to eat." and left it at that. He didn't eat. She even fixed him a plate.

She constantly criticizes as well. I let it go because this is *her* house. Sometimes I cry because I am sensitive, but my DH, who has grown up with her is very used to her behaviors and lets it roll off his back. So Seth eats lots of cake and pasta here, and he has gained some weight. He is over the 100% weight/height chart for kids. I worry about insulin resistance in kids, diabetes has grown exponentially in this age group, but I let it go. She has her beliefs and when we are living in her house, if she ignores my requests, I let it go. Nothing more to be done, IMHO.

He will stabilize next year when we move out.

The thing is, she really has been making it difficult to want to stay in this town. We might move just to be away from her. And I know she would dislike that very much.

Originally Posted by babymommy2 

I think you need to pick your battles.

The birthday party would bug me a lot, I think you did the right thing by just leaving.

The markers, I wouldn't make a big deal aobut it, either supervise with them, let this be a "grandma and grandaughter" activity for her to do in her part of the house and her to clean up after, or put them away until she is ready, it really won't be that long until she can use them if she is already 3. This is a small thing, if you let every little thing drive you crazy you will be miserable! Same with the backpacks and paper, they can be used for so much more than "school".

As far as the TV, personally I think there is a big diffence between expectations of a care provider for occasional once in awhile use, and everyday use. I'd let a lot more go if it was once in awhile. But that is up to you what is acceptable to you. You also have to accept that when she is in someone else's care, you loose control regardless of who is caring for her, other may or may not respect your decisions. You either have to never leave her there, or accept that it won't be what you want, you can't make your MIL behave a certain way, but you can control when and if she takes care of her.

[lookatreestar]

it is not going to change until you get your own place. 

[laohaire]

I think you need to move.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I completely understand it's not that easy.

But you cannot change your MIL. You CANNOT. Nothing you say or do is going to make this go away. You live in her basement and she can do whatever she wants - not because it's fair or right but just because she CAN.

I think it's reasonable that a parent can choose to have a Disney-free household, or not provide markers to a child still mouthing everything, or limit TV. Those are the choices that a parent makes. However, you just plain are not going to be able to enforce them while enmeshed with MIL. I don't know if she's toxic but she clearly thinks she's right and that you guys are just kids and she's just going to do whatever she wants.

Since your husband's paycheck is so lousy where you are anyway, why not pick some other, lower COL and better job market locale? A smaller city in Arizona or North Carolina or Texas or Ohio. Or stay in the midwest and just pick some smaller community in IL or WI or whatever. What I'm trying to say is that it's not like you have a great thing going and your DH is raking it in and couldn't possibly match that elsewhere. I know it's a crappy job market but he has a crappy job (sorry) and surely he can, with effort, find at least the same crappy job elsewhere and then you can go live your own life. If I recall, you're paying $500 a month for a cold basement - around here you can get a somewhat crappy but not basement apartment (with a ktichen!) for $500. And it's guaranteed MIL-free. So I just think you can make kind of an even exchange, similar job, similar apt, but just no MIL! Of course it will take effort, and most of all, GUTS to make this move.

[HollyBearsMom]

I second that you need to pick your battles. You and your partner need to determine what are the "big" things then your partner needs to sit down his mother and calmly yet firmly talk about it. 

The stuff for "school" seems really minor to me.  Your child is 3. The paper can be used for coloring and a backpack can be very useful for carrying a favorite toy, etc. Even unschoolers know that school exists, KWIM? I bet even a few of them played "pretend school"

The markers seem pretty minor to me too.  Again, she is 3.  Out of site out of mind, just put them away. What a great rainy day activity when you can supervise.

The party thing I thought was really nice but it would have been nicer if she involved you. It seems pretty rude for you just to pack up and leave.

A few times watching the Disney channel seem like a small price to pay for free babysitting, LOL. 

But that is how I feel and obviously these are huge deals for you. So if these are your to die for issues then you and your partner need to agree on them and then he should set up a quiet time to lay them out for his mom.  You could also consider limiting your time "upstairs" and stop asking her babysit.

But remember you are not going to be there forever.  Unless this woman is severely toxic and you plan on excising her from your life as soon as you move don't sweat the small stuff.  You are still the greatest influence in your childs life. 

[coyotemist]

I'm also of the mind of relaxing your expectations a bit if you have to stay there.  You should be able to get out once in a while, even a few minutes at the grocery store can be a sanity-saver.  She isn't being abusive, she isn't hurting your daughter, those few times aren't going to change the foundations that her parents are laying for her.  I think most of us can remember being a child and having a weekend with the grandparents...things were allowed that were not usually allowed (more treats, staying up later, playing in grandma's jewelry box, etc).  I KNEW this was a grandma thing, and if I went home and did it I would be in deep trouble. 

As for the party, you absolutely did the right thing in listening to your daughter, not your MIL's needs.  Personally *I* can't party for 11 hours, and I'm not 3.  My 2 year old can go a couple hours and then he is done.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF 

You don't want her doing some things but you are letting her watch your dd.  Either stop letting her watch her or let some things go.

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 
 

You could also consider limiting your time "upstairs" and stop asking her babysit.

Almost all your posts about your MIL involve incidents where MIL is watching your DD (or nephew) and she does something you disagree with.

You know this is going to happen when she watches her, so I have to second the question why are you still letting her watch your DD...repeatedly?

Is it a pain to take two kids out shopping on foot (or to the vet - another MIL watching DD thread) in Chicago? You bet. But the point is, it can be done and thousands of women do it every day.

You MIL is not going to change as long as your actions prove you don't mean what you say. You are saying you don't want your daughter around this or that, but by leaving her - repeatedly - in a situation where she is going to be exposed to this or that (and you know it ahead of time) is sending the message to your MIL that you don't really mean what you say. From her point of view, if you were serious, you wouldn't be dropping your daughter off frequently for your convenience sake if you were that opposed to what happens in her house. It would be a different situation if you were only leaving DD with MIL in emergencies, or while you worked and didn't have a choice, but grocery shopping with your DH (your OP did say "we") and vet runs are not true childcare emergencies.

If you don't realize your own role in this situation, your situation with your MIL is not going to change. Why should she change? She does what she wants to do and she still gets to watch and be involved your DD on a regular basis and on her terms.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF 

You are living in her house.  You have to make consessions.   

Actually, no, the OP is renting a portion of MIL's house, a basement apartment with its own entrance. The only shared space is that the OP's apartment doesn't have a kitchen, and I assume, because the OP hasn't indicated problems with that, that she and her MIL do have arrangements made regarding kitchen use.

But, yeah, a different babysitter is definitely in order.

[CarrieMF]

  It was supposed to be from 11am-2pm.  We left at around 3pm.  MIL wrapped it up and her guests went home around 10pm. 

yeah that's excessive & I take back what I said before. i would have left too.  Our family parties are 2 hours.  Visits-open presents-eat cake/ice cream & get out & my kids are 8, 9 & 12.lol 

[PoppyMama]

It sucks but I would let it go and just keep your eye on the prize.  She is three and I'm sure the backpack and paper would be gone by the time she started kindy if she was going to school.  You can keep a disney/tv free home but you can't make her.  I think the party thing was inconsiderate but from your description it sounds like a cultural issue.  I'm in TX and I see a lot of parties like the one you describe.  We think they're a blast but I know not everyone does.  I think the recommendation about moving to a lower cost area is a good one.  

[lookatreestar]

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I think you need to move.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I completely understand it's not that easy.

But you cannot change your MIL. You CANNOT. Nothing you say or do is going to make this go away. You live in her basement and she can do whatever she wants - not because it's fair or right but just because she CAN.

I think it's reasonable that a parent can choose to have a Disney-free household, or not provide markers to a child still mouthing everything, or limit TV. Those are the choices that a parent makes. However, you just plain are not going to be able to enforce them while enmeshed with MIL. I don't know if she's toxic but she clearly thinks she's right and that you guys are just kids and she's just going to do whatever she wants.

Since your husband's paycheck is so lousy where you are anyway, why not pick some other, lower COL and better job market locale? A smaller city in Arizona or North Carolina or Texas or Ohio. Or stay in the midwest and just pick some smaller community in IL or WI or whatever. What I'm trying to say is that it's not like you have a great thing going and your DH is raking it in and couldn't possibly match that elsewhere. I know it's a crappy job market but he has a crappy job (sorry) and surely he can, with effort, find at least the same crappy job elsewhere and then you can go live your own life. If I recall, you're paying $500 a month for a cold basement - around here you can get a somewhat crappy but not basement apartment (with a ktichen!) for $500. And it's guaranteed MIL-free. So I just think you can make kind of an even exchange, similar job, similar apt, but just no MIL! Of course it will take effort, and most of all, GUTS to make this move.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

It sucks but I would let it go and just keep your eye on the prize.  She is three and I'm sure the backpack and paper would be gone by the time she started kindy if she was going to school.  You can keep a disney/tv free home but you can't make her.  I think the party thing was inconsiderate but from your description it sounds like a cultural issue.  I'm in TX and I see a lot of parties like the one you describe.  We think they're a blast but I know not everyone does.  I think the recommendation about moving to a lower cost area is a good one.  

i went to a birthday party (dh was working) for his cousin's dd and OMG, my kids were falling over and the party was still going. we had to leave and barely made it to cake time (dd's fav part lmao). this girl was 3 and in something fancier than i wore on my wedding. my dh was like "oh yeah i should have warned ya!  " i was exhausted.

[Latte Mama]

Your MIL doesn't respect you.  She pays lip service and then does what she wants.  However, you also have a YOU problem.  Stop leaving your DD with her because that is giving her the opportunity to do what she wants.  Now, depending on how far you want to go with it, you have a couple of options.

1.  Start sticking up for yourself and your beliefs.  If she hands you school stuff, say NO THANKS.  If SHE plans your DD's B-day party behind your back, and you walked into that mess, why on earth stay so long?  Your MIL got everything she wanted, her own party, YOUR DD stayed for hours, etc.  In the future you could  walk right back out and say to MIL "OH must be some mistake, my DD's party was supposed to be small.  But have a great time at your party!"    IOW, this method involves growing a bit o' spine and that can be quite difficult because you live there.

Which brings me to option 2.

Avoid her as much as possible and save every stinkin' penny so ya'll can get out asap.

[gbailey]

ITA but also wanted to add, don't leave your DD with MIL or anyone else who won't follow what you ask regarding your child. Let DH do the shopping or you do the shopping while one of you takes care of DD or just bundle her up and take her with you. The birthday party thing would really bug me butyour MIL obviously and sadly has no respect for you and your beliefs.  

You can find a really nice apartment in nice areas of North Carolina for what you are paying your MIL. My SIL had a three bedroom duplex for a little bit more than you are paying MIL. Until you move, don't spend time with or around her.Take your DD to the library for the free toddler programs or to other places that are free and fun. No longer ask MIL for her babysitting services.

 

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I think you need to move.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I completely understand it's not that easy.

But you cannot change your MIL. You CANNOT. Nothing you say or do is going to make this go away. You live in her basement and she can do whatever she wants - not because it's fair or right but just because she CAN.

I think it's reasonable that a parent can choose to have a Disney-free household, or not provide markers to a child still mouthing everything, or limit TV. Those are the choices that a parent makes. However, you just plain are not going to be able to enforce them while enmeshed with MIL. I don't know if she's toxic but she clearly thinks she's right and that you guys are just kids and she's just going to do whatever she wants.

Since your husband's paycheck is so lousy where you are anyway, why not pick some other, lower COL and better job market locale? A smaller city in Arizona or North Carolina or Texas or Ohio. Or stay in the midwest and just pick some smaller community in IL or WI or whatever. What I'm trying to say is that it's not like you have a great thing going and your DH is raking it in and couldn't possibly match that elsewhere. I know it's a crappy job market but he has a crappy job (sorry) and surely he can, with effort, find at least the same crappy job elsewhere and then you can go live your own life. If I recall, you're paying $500 a month for a cold basement - around here you can get a somewhat crappy but not basement apartment (with a ktichen!) for $500. And it's guaranteed MIL-free. So I just think you can make kind of an even exchange, similar job, similar apt, but just no MIL! Of course it will take effort, and most of all, GUTS to make this move.

[crunchy_mommy]

I totally understand that you feel like you are 'stuck' in this toxic situation but you aren't stuck. I & others have pointed out CL ads for affordable apartments in your area etc. & I understand if you don't feel that's an option right now. But you need to take control & responsibility and start to feel more empowered. Just because you live with your MIL doesn't mean you have to spend so much time with her, and CERTAINLY she doesn't need to be babysitting your DD!!! I don't think your problem is MIL undermining you, or living in her basement. I think your problem is this feeling of helplessness you seem to have. I hope this doesn't come across as mean or rude -- I mean it only in the most loving way. I cringe when I read many of your posts, I don't think I could live with the situations you are describing. I don't think the backpack or the markers are a big deal but they are definitely symbolic of the larger issues at play here. I know it's a pain to take little kids out in the cold to run errands... but most of us do just that, or wait 'til DP returns from work and run errands then, or whatever. If that doesn't seem doable, then you need to find a babysitter -- preferrably a non-relative -- and pay them to watch your kids and follow your rules. And when MIL gives your children items she knows you won't approve of, they stay in HER part of the house, and if they come into your house by whatever means, you have a right to dispose of them as you deem necessary. I have no idea what happened with the bday party because I thought I remembered you posting about having a bunch of little kids over & weren't sure about inviting the cousins, maybe I am totally confused though, but it sounds like that is one instance where you stepped up & stood your ground and left when you felt your DD had too much. I think this is EXACTLY the kind of thing you need to do more often. You need to draw the line & stand up for yourself, and of course avoid putting yourself in vulenerable situations when possible. You need to remember that even though you feel 'stuck', every decision you make (to stay, to leave, to visit, to accomodate, etc.) is just that, a CHOICE. You are not helpless, you are strong, you just need to really tap into that strength & take full responsibility for your choices. I promise you, if you do that, things will start to change for the better.