I'm going to have a nervous breakdown....

[singlemomma2]

I need someone to help me out here, am I wrong to be upset?

I have been divorced for over a year, but we were seperated much longer than that. We have been back and forth alot. There is no supprt or custody order in place. I have been avoiding it. My ex is pretty crazy about money. He tends to get a little psycho about money so I have avoided it for peace in my life. My older dd is not biologically his, the baby is. This man makes 150,000 a year. I make 10.30 an hour, work 3-11 30 hours a week, as well as attend school full time and raise my kids. I also struggle with bi-polar disorder, I am medicated and in counseling. I am exhausted. My ex takes the kids 2-4 days per week at night, usually when I work. I drop them at a sitter at 2 pm and he picks them up by 6, i pick them up the following morning at 7 am. So essentially he has them 12 hours 2-4 days a week. He does take them every other weekend and he is relatively flexible with his schedule.

so today I get a text from him that some random girl, he barely knows, he got pregnant. They dated briefly and now she is pregnant.

IM PISSED. simply because I am struggling. Im on food stamps, wic vouchers, taking out loans for school and on financial aid. If he does help me I have to beg and he makes me feel like shit for it. He knows the situation. He does pay for a sitter when we use one and is currently paying for my vehicle insurance, but I know I deserve more money because of the difference in pay and quality of life.

I'm also concerned that this woman has never met my kids and what if things dont work out between them and my kids get attached to her? I know nothing about her. She told him she was on the pill and he used a condom, this sounds nuts to me. She told him she wants to "work it out", whatever that means. I just worry about my children falling to the wayside. Also what happens if she takes him to court for support and then my kids are not getting any help/money because of that? My other concern is that the baby will be due in the middle of my nursing classes and he is supposed to be sharing the kids half time. I dont need anymore stress than I already have.

can anyone commiserate?

[singlemomma2]

I wanted to add, eventhough my oldest is not his biological child, she has no relationship with her dad and has always known my ex husband to be her dad. He see's her as his.

I laos wanted to add, we split childcare in half (my school pays my 60%) and he pays the other 40%.

also, he is a good dad for the most part, definitely getting better at caring for the girls and loves them. I just dont know if I should take legal action or discuss a written, notarized agreement outside of court before this situation gets too involved with the other woman...

[Smithie]

Mamas who have BTDT will be able to offer you better advice, no doubt. This is my advice: if I was DXed bipolar and had a crazy-about-money ex who might be 1) starting up a new family with a squeaky-clean SAH stepmom or 2) fighting an ex-girlfriend in court over money and custody issues, I would be scrambling to get off that guy's radar. I would NOT use him for childcare during the week. I would NOT ask him for one red cent, and when he offered, I'd direct him to practical purchases that he could make for the kids - such as the shared childcare costs, that's actually a very smart way to get help from an ex. It's worth being poor as hell now to retain full custody of your kids later and have EOW visitation that's amicable on both sides. 

I realize that it might be impossible to sever this dependence right now. You are obviously taking steps to become self-supporting, and I admire you for your hard work and determination. But the money you'd eventually get through through the courts for the one child who is legally his is NOT worth the risk IMNSHO, especially if his situation with the other woman has got lawyers on his mind. 

Can you house and childcare share with another WAHM? Can you find an excuse to move closer to your family that your ex would accept as a good reason? How can you get yourself some support from a person who isn't in a position to take one of your kids? 

[coyotemist]

My thinking is different than Smithie's...if you are healthy and your illness is stable, you have nothing to worry about.  However, I do think you should have a legal agreement, at least for the child that is his.  You should be getting regular support.

Please continue to struggle through school, you will be proud, it will improve your life tremendously.  All this struggle and work will be worth it in the end.

[singlemomma2]

School is not an option, its a reality. I am going to be a nurse and someday a midwife. I wont give that up...

I have no options on childcare at night. I have to work 3-11 and school is monday-thurs, days. So in other words, I rely on him to drive the kids to and from daycare 2 days a week and those nights they have to sleep at his house. I do have help from my mom (minimal). He is honestly fine with the kids. He gets nuts over money because he knows its the only way he can hurt me, I need it, he has it, I dont. He is still mad we are not together....

I am considering filing for support against DD 1's dad since he should be paying it, regardless of him not being around, his wife stays at home and raises their 4 children and Im on food stamps... Not right.

DD 2's dad (my ex) might be willing to notarize an agreement for some money weekly.

the reality of my situation is that if he wants to play house with new girl, then he needs to help the first household he made.

FWIW, My therapist and medicating nurse would notarize letters that I am medicated, meeting regularly for therapy and I have held down an apartment for the last year on my own, as well as maintained a 3.9/4.0 GPA for the last few years. So I am very stable.

[singin'intherain]

The good thing about having a custody and support order is that he doesn't get to control you through being psycho about money anymore. I don't know how it works in your state, but here in Washington, they take the money out of his check and he never sees it.

It sounds like you separated from him, only to lose the advantages of his money, without losing the nightmare of being controlled by his unacceptable behavior. I know it seems like the easier road, playing into his childishness to win a little peace, but that's the illusion he wants to maintain- it's not necessarily true. I mean, what peace? You work your butt off, you have to beg him for money, you live in fear that he is going to throw the big tantrum and bring your life crashing down around you. Take this with a grain of salt, because I don't know what he's capable of, but his kind of abuse rarely stands up to a stubborn refusal to go along with it. No court is going to go along with this arrangement, either. He needs to pay for his kids.

And no matter what, figure out other child care arrangements! He will have to pay half. It's one less thing to hold over your head. If you're in nursing school, you cannot afford to mess around with child care!

[terran631]

Please take my advice and my BtDt for what it's worth.  Our situations are similar but definitely not identical.  My exhusband  promised me the moon when we got married. He would always take care of me. He didn't want me to work. He wanted me home to raise our children.  He wanted to be the bread winner and provide a wonderful life for his family.  We had two children. Our youngest was not quite two years old when he decided that being the bread winner, husband and father was not as much fun as he anticipated.  So he was leaving.  He was the one with the money, the job, everything.  I was the one who dropped out of college, and hadn't had a job in 6 years because I believed his promises.  He filed for divorce and got himself an attorney. I couldn't afford one.  He agreed to let me stay with the children in our home (he would pay the rent), he also agreed to pay a small amount of child support AND gave me sole custody. 

I got a part time job that barely paid the bills, and with his child support was getting by. He would watch the kids on occasion but he was more of a babysitter than a dad.  Fast forward a year later.  He said he wasn't going to pay the rent anymore.  I got a full time job to go with my part time job and my mom or sister watched the kids, I got on food stamps, and basically got all the help I could with utility bills.  I felt cheated. He had promised me so much and gave me so little and now I was struggling just to get by.  He was still paying a small amount of child support but really, that covered my car payment and one utility bill, so it wasn't' all that much.  I hit bottom.  I was angry all the time about the unfairness of it all.  I was angry at him, and angry at me for buying into his dreams and then being left.  I used that anger and made it my goal to succeed despite him, not because of him.   LOL it was actually very therepeutic in some ways.

Fast forward to now (five years later).  I have my own martial arts business, I bought my own house, I went back to school and got my BA in psychology.  My ex is a bartender.  He does well enough, but I certainly have done "better".  As petty as that may sound, I take a lot of pride in that. I fulfilled a dream that he promised me and I am giving that dream to my children. 

I can commiserate with you to be sure.  It's horrible and it made me SO angry that he was living this great life and I was trying to scrimping and saving just to pay bills. It SUCKS that he gets to go out and have fun every weekend with his girl of the week and I am home every Saturday night with the children that we made together.  And you should have some kind of child support from both dads.  But you are doing what you can.  You are working hard and going to school to make your life better.  You should be proud of yourself.  Just wait until you get that degree.  It'll make the struggle worthwhile.

[Smithie]

I don't doubt that he's fine with the kids. I don't doubt that you're stable. Both of those things seem pretty clear from your original post, and those are both very good things. 

I still think it's best not to provoke an ex who can afford a lawyer when you cannot. If the childcare thing can't change right now, then it can't change and I fully understand why. But you're establishing a precedent that your ex has parenting time way beyond EOW - are you OK with that? Can you stand it if he gets a lawyer and goes for joint physical custody and you spend 50% of your life without your younger child (or more)? Can you stand if if the pregnant girlfriend moves in and SHE is the one tucking your kids in bed three nights a week? Second shift childcare does exist - around here it's a niche market for home-based daycares, where a mom takes advantage of her family's unusual schedule to make $$ watching kids who are generally asleep for half the time. That might be a possibility for the future, when you don't have to pull double-shifts as a student and a CNA. 

As for money - if DD1's father is not likely to show up and make your life hell, then chase him first. You will not lose your right to support if the new girl files for it. After all, you've got the "first" set of kids, depending on your state you may even get MORE than she does. Your circumstances are only going to get better as time goes by and you rack up more months/years as the primary custodial parent and can eventually afford a lawyer. You can bide your time a bit and see what happens with the new girl and see how your ex responds to the situation.

You deserve financial support without drama or abuse or threats to take your child. You really do. It's whether or not you are likely to get it, and whether or not the amount you get will be worth the pain, that most concerns me. In your situation, I might be thanking my lucky stars that ex's money-related ire had found a potential new target for the moment, giving me some space to finish school and establish myself independently. 

[coyotemist]

Smithie, interesting outlook, I certainly see where you are coming from.

[meandmine]

Hugs!

Can I ask how your divorce made it through without court ordered support for the kids?  I don't think that would happen in my state.  You can go back to court and ask for a revision regarding support.  Unlike Smithie, I think it would be absolutely worth it, especially with a new contender for his money and his time on the way.  That way you don't need to ask for money; it is automatic; neither of you has to discuss it at all.

I don't know if that is possible.

You are making yourself anxious about what ifs as well.  No knowing what will happen with gf and baby; I would not look there at the moment.  I would think only about what you and your children need and put your energy into continuing to get support from all available sources, including court ordered support from you well-off X before the new baby. 

Hugs and check in with us!

M

[chel]

not btdt, but i thought it was the one that filed first got the set % of cs. the next to file got whatever the set % was after the first cs was taken out.  so it would be in your best interest to file before she does

[SoulCakes]

I agree with chel. I'm not sure how it works in your state, but where I filed the first child to get support would get the highest percentage of the ncp's income. So it's in your best interest to get a support order as soon as possible. Like a PP, I'm also surprised that you were able to divorce without a custody or support order in place. Since your ex is protective of his money and this is causing you stress, having a support order with automatic withdrawals in place will probably be the best thing for your relationship -- it gets you the help you need, and you don't have to worry about whether he "decides" to help you out one month -- it's all taken care of automatically by the state.

Good luck to you. Don't worry about the girlfriend and the other baby just yet. You'll cross that bridge when you get there.