I always worked nights when my girls were little. Nightweaning was not a problem. Sure there were nights they were crabbier than usual going down for dh but when I wasn't around they didn't really think about nursing. When I was off they'd still nurse to sleep actually. Both nightweaned fully when they were between 18-26 mos.
Okay, we have a game plan. DH finally sat down, took a deep breath, and told me he was ready to talk it out. We tossed around a LOT of ideas. DH and I have agreed to give MIL $1,000 of our tax money because she actually DOES need the money. The rest, we'll put towards bills to take a chunk out and we'll put some towards first/last month's rent at a new place or a security deposit. DH has decided that he doesn't want to transfer his job as of now- he thinks the first step is to just move. Since moving cross country or out of state requires more money.
I'm going to start looking for a job again asap (again because I had been.. no one wants me. I think I need to start dressing like a 15 year old ;) ). I'm hoping to get something from 4-9pm, hopefully at the mall. I had a job like that before and though retail is no picnic, I can certainly handle it, and DH will be home at that time. There will also be no need to nightwean my little one. That should give us a good $500 extra a month.
DH doesn't get his tax forms until the beginning of March, but he thinks he can get them online from his company's HR intranet system. We're shooting for the beginning of April. I know it's a little farther than I had hoped, but I figure it will give us a little time to save up a small nest egg and get everything situated. My DH is reluctant to give up his Escort. He refuses to put our children in it (I don't blame him, I'm not too comfy with the idea either...he has a little ptsd from an accident he was in in 09) but I told him I'm not above public transportation (prefer it, actually...). I've changed my mind about the Explorer- the transmission is going bad and I don't want to have to deal with that. If MIL decides to give it to us, fine. But I certainly won't pay for it. My DH doesn't want it because it's a gas guzzler. So who knows. The cars really aren't at the top of the priority list though.
As far as a written budget, I had tried but we haven't really been on the same page and the budget gets forgotten quickly. We get groceries once every 2 wks, and spend about 100 each time. There are other expenses like car gas that vary... I'm really going to buckle down and formulate a plan though.
Thank you everyone for the wise words and advice. Honestly it is so hard just thinking to myself about this all the time... it's nice to have some outside perspective other than my DH!
I always worked nights when my girls were little. Nightweaning was not a problem. Sure there were nights they were crabbier than usual going down for dh but when I wasn't around they didn't really think about nursing. When I was off they'd still nurse to sleep actually. Both nightweaned fully when they were between 18-26 mos.
We were doing Dr. Jay Gordon's method.. last night was night 3, and I caved at the 5 hour mark because she would NOT sleep, she was beating me up and I've got the flu. She wanted nothing to do with DH either, lol. I do think things would be better if I wasn't there, for sure! We'll see though. I'm going to attempt the evening work schedule and if that doesn't work out I'll go for nights.
You sound a lot better already. You guys can do this. Push past the feelings of being overwhelmed, stick with the plan, and you can do it.
His job needs to get his tax forms to him by the end of January. That's the law. You should be able to do your taxes quickly and have your refund by the end of February (submit electronically and have it direct deposited - filing federal taxes online will be free for a family with your income). You should be out by the first of March that way.
Really? Hmm, I'll let him know. I told him he was wrong, lol. It seemed like he got them much earlier last year (def around jan30th). We usually go to H&R Block because he gets a huge discount, but since it's only him working, we might just do it online. How can I file them for free? I thought there was a fee. I've gotta look into that!
His job needs to get his tax forms to him by the end of January. That's the law. You should be able to do your taxes quickly and have your refund by the end of February (submit electronically and have it direct deposited - filing federal taxes online will be free for a family with your income). You should be out by the first of March that way.
Check turbotax--you may qualify for free filing. Or actually, check the IRS website, I believe they have a list of companies where you can file online, and which ones offer the free filing for special cases (low income being one). We didn't qualify, because of business stuff, but even so our total fee was like $50. Not bad given the thousands that we got from the fed after we filed.
Really? Hmm, I'll let him know. I told him he was wrong, lol. It seemed like he got them much earlier last year (def around jan30th). We usually go to H&R Block because he gets a huge discount, but since it's only him working, we might just do it online. How can I file them for free? I thought there was a fee. I've gotta look into that!
This is the info about free e-filing for federal taxes - it hasn't been updated for this year yet but it will be soon.
Some states also allow you to file online for free, and it looks like Illinois is one of them.
According to this article, last year the Illinois state government offered free help in filling out tax forms - it seems likely that they'll do the same this year. It's not really that hard, especially for a situation like yours (no investments or mortgages or things like that) but if you've never done it before you might feel more comfortable with someone walking you through it.
Thanks so much Dar & Cappuccinosmom! I will look into those.
"He told me that he is not moving anywhere right now, and if I want to move then it's fine with him..."
... sounds to me like an invitation to ditch the entire toxic lot of them. 
OK, OK, you probably don't want to get rid of your husband. I don't blame you. I'm pretty darn fond of my own gluttonous overweight mood-swingy DH. But I don't have to live in his mother's basement, either. Your DH can't be in charge of this anymore. You need to get yourself and your kids into a safe and stable situation, and then he can either join you or stay in mommy's basement.
The PPs have given you the advice you need. Reach out to social/church services and make a plan. Really, even a shelter is better than where you're at right now - although I don't know if there's any such transitional housing for women who are not DV victims, which you aren't. A night job is a great idea for raising cash if you trust your DH to care for the kids - if you don't, then the responsible thing to do is get OUT and get connected to social services and get a job once you have safe childcare lined up.
When's that tax return coming? If you are the one who gets the mail, you can cash it, leave half for your DH, and bail with the other half. But I wouldn't want to wait even that long.
Don't worry about the logistics of moving. You don't own a single thing that hasn't been contaminated by mold. Walk out with what you can carry, and you'll probably end up tossing all of that once you're in a clean place and realize how bad it smells.
Oh, yay! He came around!
... but remember, he could swing back. YOU are the one you can trust to make a plan. Keep making a plan that you can implement even if he decides not to participate. An evening job at the mall is great - but some of that $$ needs to be kept, in cash, in a secure place, to finance your walking out if you end up needing to do it without your DH.
I just wanted to say I think the new plan sounds just right - responsible, ups your income, and gives you a target for getting out. I am speaking in ignorance of the current job market in your area but for those hours I wonder if you could get waitressing too - then you get tips. Evening reception might be a possibility as well.
In the meantime I know it's tiring and a pain but I would keep fighting the mould you can to try to keep the spore count down.
In addition to retail, I'd also look into hotel/hospitality jobs. Generally speaking, there's a high turnover rate and many hotels are always hiring.
Another thought is employment agencies. Even if they can only offer temp positions, I know a good amount of people who've found permanent jobs that initially started out as temp only. Employment agencies will also work with you to find the right fit.
In addition to retail, I'd also look into hotel/hospitality jobs. Generally speaking, there's a high turnover rate and many hotels are always hiring.
Another thought is employment agencies. Even if they can only offer temp positions, I know a good amount of people who've found permanent jobs that initially started out as temp only. Employment agencies will also work with you to find the right fit.
This is good advice. Also OP, see if you can land something waiting tables. Seriously. It's decent money, the hours are flexible, and Chicago is chock full of restaurants. Even if you don't have experience chances are someone will hire you, a person has to start somewhere right?
In addition to retail, I'd also look into hotel/hospitality jobs. Generally speaking, there's a high turnover rate and many hotels are always hiring.
Another thought is employment agencies. Even if they can only offer temp positions, I know a good amount of people who've found permanent jobs that initially started out as temp only. Employment agencies will also work with you to find the right fit.
This is good advice. Also OP, see if you can land something waiting tables. Seriously. It's decent money, the hours are flexible, and Chicago is chock full of restaurants. Even if you don't have experience chances are someone will hire you, a person has to start somewhere right?
Ditto to both.
Depending on the type of place, your tips each shift might be mostly cash which will make it easier to squire away a few bucks here and there. Some places are more generous that others with food while you are working. One place I worked let us eat whatever we wanted (within reason) free of charge. Another charged a very minimal amount, like $2 for a full meal.
Temp agencies are definately worth checking out. We hire almost exclusively through temp agencies and I know several other business owners that do the same.
This years deadline for employers to postmark the w2 is Feb 1st, because Jan 30th is a Sunday this year.
You need to come up with a budget or else 2 months after you move out you are going to be back in the basement.
Given the numbers you have given with the tax return and his income you have about 2,000 dollars a month (20,000 a year and 6,000 in tax return). You don't pay rent, utilities, car loan, student loans, you have medicaid....... The only expenses you say you have are food (200 a month) and gas,and credit cards. Yet you say you still are using the credit cards, if you are still charging then you aren't really paying them off.
You have the start of a plan, and that is great. However you need to figure out where your money is going.
I would not let night weaning be an impediment or requirement for getting a job. Your lo will adjust. I say this as both a Waldorf mama, attachment parenting mama and WOH mama. When I went back to work after my 6 mos maternity leave, my little guy refused a bottle for a solid month. He did not starve nor do I believe he suffered emotionally; he reverse cycled until he decided to take the bottle. He had papi there with him all day and was adequately comforted and the little porker didn't lose an ounce.
If you haven't considered grocery stores as an employment option, you may want to think about it. I just learned that WF gives a pretty generous employee discount (I want to see if my husband will apply!) and other grocers may do the same.
I agree with other poster's comments about rough neighborhoods vs the environmental hazard in which you currently live. I moved from one-block-away-from President Obama's-house-Hyde Park to the west side. Yeah, no-cute-neighborhood-name west side. Not crazy about it, but, we have a house here as opposed to an apartment and the neighborhood is changing. And our neighbors are great (for the most part).
I'm glad to see you and your dh have a plan together. I do also agree, though, that you need to have a back up plan. My dad walked out on my mom and us, leaving us at his parents' house where we'd moved when our home was foreclosed on. My mom hadn't worked in 5 years. Fortunately, she had a degree and some prior working experience (not to mention 4 sisters who could help her out in a pinch) and she got us out of there in relatively short order because my grandmother was not her biggest fan. If I were you, I'd have a list of what shelters take women and children and information about how to get there on public transportation. I'm not suggesting that your situation sounds like it is headed there in short order. I just say that as the wife of a man who suffers from depression, seasonal effects disorder and did walk out last spring (only to return the next evening - we are in weekly counseling, now). But, because of my childhood experience, I'm in a far better financial situation to handle things than I otherwise might be should we end up in a similar situation again.
I am wishing you a quick exit from your current situation with your family intact!
You need to come up with a budget or else 2 months after you move out you are going to be back in the basement.
Given the numbers you have given with the tax return and his income you have about 2,000 dollars a month (20,000 a year and 6,000 in tax return). You don't pay rent, utilities, car loan, student loans, you have medicaid....... The only expenses you say you have are food (200 a month) and gas,and credit cards. Yet you say you still are using the credit cards, if you are still charging then you aren't really paying them off.
You have the start of a plan, and that is great. However you need to figure out where your money is going.
During non-peak months (so anything other than Oct/Nov/Dec), DH takes home about $800-1000/mo., sometimes more. During peak months he earns that in a single paycheck if his sales are high. I think DH needs to look for another job but I'm not sure where. I agree, some serious budgeting is in order.
I will look into a waitressing job at night- we have a Golden Nugget really close by. I'm of the clumsy sort though and waitressing is something that I'm really intimidated by.
And thank you so much for your wisdom, honeybunmom! I agree, she would adjust, but she's a stubborn little one who loves her nursies. We'll see how it goes- I need to get a job first! (And before that, I need to get over this flu...) I also agree that the neighborhood isn't as important as getting away from our health hazardous situation, so I've got more options than I had originally thought. I know that there are 1br apartments for 600 around Senn high school- very small but safe and cute nonetheless. The back door leads to the bedroom though... that's kind of strange. When we move, it is looking like that will be likely where we will go- or someplace similar.
Follow Mothering