Friends - But no best friend.

[ruthmgilbert]

My daughter is 6 1/2.  I was sad when I emptied her book bag to find a note that read - Hi, my name is Lauren and I do not have a best friend.  

She is a child who doesn't seem to need to be connected strongly to one or two other girls and she does not have the "clique" mentality that I have already seen in other girls her age.  She gets along well with others and she is in school all day and with children in her after care program and enjoys being with other kids, but we don't do specific play dates on a regular basis. 

When I see other girls (in their "clinques") at school - especially when I have visited at lunch I wonder if my daughter who seems to eat happlily alone secretly longs to be with them.  I don't want to push her to interact in a way that she is uncomfortable - she is a bit shy with others at first and very intimidated by new adults and seems to have trouble speaking up for herself.  (i.e she was lost and would not ask for help and it was a situation when she really needed help.) 

I talk to her about being a little bolder and taking some chances to reach out and make new friends, but it doesn't seem to be of interest.

I remember back to that age and don't remember having a best friend or wanting one until 6th or 7th grade and they were short term best friends status situations that rotated among the girls in my class.  So maybe since she is so young, it just isn't time for her yet socially.  (yet it seems like I see other 6 year olds filling that social connection already.)

I wonder if I should do more to help my daughter with her self esteem or to let her be who she is since she functions well and seems quite happy.

Any advice/validation would be welcome. Thanks.

[carrierwright]

Oh my heart broke a little for you just reading that. I have a 7 and 5 yr old (boys) and I worry a lot about social development/friends/bullying/ everything esp for the little one who is less outgoing. For the 7 year old, (I know boys' dynamics may be a little different) he doesn't have a 'best' friend but gets along well w/everyone in his class. For our 5 yr old who is less involved w/his classmates we have found 2 classmates that he sits with and dad and I proactively called their parents to schedule playdates, and purposefully invite them to b/day parties, swim parties etc. It hasn't made him bond w/anyone but he's at least more comfortable with a few classmates. (and we made friends w/one of the couples) They go at their own pace and I think you're right. It's normal for them to not have a best friend at this age, it's just hard for us to watch when some of the others do.

[dbsam]

My children are also 6 1/2 and they do not have best friends or friends they see on a regular basis.  Like your daughter, they are shy but get along with the other children at school.  I think this is common and would prefer they do not limit their friendships to one or two people.  I have seen the children in class, mostly girls, who are 'best friends' and it often results in excluding or being unfriendly to other girls.

I would let her be herself.  (But then I am a 46 yo without a best friend)

Did she decide on her own to write about not having a best friend or was it a class assignment to write about a best friend?  If it was on her own, I would talk to her about it in case it is bothering her and maybe explain that at this age it is nice to get to know everyone and as she gets older a relationship might form with a best friend.

[monkeybars]

From what I've read (child dev. classes), most kids (there's always exceptions of course) don't have a true "best friend" until somewhere between 3rd-6th grade.  Even then not everyone does and it can have it's down sides, like putting all their eggs in one fickle basket.  Several good friends seems like a better support system.

[CarrieMF]

I have 3 girls.  They are in Grades 7, 4 & 3.

The one in Grade 7 is the child who is friends with everyone in her class.  She's in middle school now & there are 6 or 7 Grade 7 classes instead of 2 but those in her class she is friends with & gets along with them.

She has always had a "best friend" and every single one of them has moved away each year.lol  Seriously every year, including kindergarten, her BF moved away at the end of the year.

She has other friends she hangs out with, 2 girls who she's gone to school with since they were 3 & in playschool.  She has other friends she sometimes hangs out with after school but I don't like those friends so I do not encourage friendships there(without me actually doing anything).

Her best/best friend though would actually go to a different school. She moved after Grade 3.  They would call & invite each other to their birthday parties & that was the only time they saw each other until Grade 6.  When my dd went back to Judo when it started up in the fall her friend was there, she didn't know my dd was in Judo.  They now see each other twice a week at Judo, we've taken her to tournaments & such.  They sometimes see each other outside of school/judo.  They call/text each other alot. 

In 2 more years they will be in the same school again unless they build another school by then but i doubt they could get one done.  My dd has expressed some interest in trying to get her transferred to that school for middle school but that school is even more overcrowded than hers & they do not like to transfer kids into that school though I will be working at that school & could get her transferred because of that.  She is making good wholesome connections & activities in her present school & I'd hate to take that away from her too.

 Even though she doesn't have a best/best friend that she's had since Grade 1/2 she has her 1 friend that she's been in school with since playschool that has always been a constant person for her.  She doesn't complain either.  She sees what some of these other kids do & how they act and doesn't want to be like them.

Alot of these little groups have the same interests &  their families are friends so they hang out on weekends, in camps, etc.  IE, 1 group are all horse riders/have ranches. 

My youngest kid has her group of friends she hangs with. It hasn't changed much since Grade 1. In Kindergarten her best friend moved away, she was heartbroken over it(my oldest never has been).  Since then her group has been based a little on who is in her class.  There is a group of them though(3) that all dance together so they have that connection while at school too.

My middle one though, oiy.  She has her group & it is a big group of about 12 girls.  Unfortunatly there is 1 girl in that group that likes to cause alot of problems amongst them.   Her & my dd do not get along but this girl tries to drag the other girls away from my dd & 2 of the other girls & tries to cause problems amongst the other girls so they won't be friends anymore.  I can't wait until middle school where hopefully this girl will move on & find other kids to hang with that are up to her standards.  So within the big group are smaller groups too.  My dd has 1 girl she considers her bff & vice versa.   Almost all of the girls dance, but in 3 different studios though 1 of them may be transferring to our studio next year.  These girls have all been friends since kindergarten/grade 1.  The only thing that has changed is when the bossy child moved into our school & then 2 cousins moved in last year & this year making the group bigger.

So all of my girls have 3 different types of friendships.  Will they all last, doubt it.  Is it better to have a small group of really close friends or a big group of friends, depends on the person.

What matters the most is how does your dd feel about it & is it causing any issues.

Sometimes it is hard for kids to break into a group.  If you would like your dd to start breaking into these groups find out what happens when you aren't there.  Make playdates outside of school with these girls.

[catinthehat]

I worry about this a bit with my dd in first grade.  She is a very independent girl, she often prefers to do art all day or play her own games rather then play with the neighbor or her sister.  Apparently it is the same at school.  She is freindly with most everyone, but the lunch lady says she plays by herself most of the time.  She likes collecting rocks on the playground and most other kids are not interested in this.  So she does it by herself.  The lunch lady acts like it is so sad, and sometimes I worry.  But I also feel like maybe it is a good thing and it means she is independent, confident, knows what she likes, etc.   I will probably try to make more playdates for her, and see how that goes.  

Good luck to you!  I tend to think overall that it is probably pretty okay for kids that young to not have a best friend, or even to have the same friends from day to day.  The cliquey stuff is not nice. So maybe we should be glad our dd's can be friends with everyone.  

[K1329]

I think what matters most is how your dd feels about it. My dd, 7, has had different "best friends" - one more constant than the others, and has hung out with the same small group of girls since PK. Now, in 2nd grade, they do seem to have definite groups they play with at dds school. My dd is also on the shy (hate that word...) side and I've also worried about her socially. You could mention the note to your dd and see if you can get any answers - but, knowing my dd, you also might not get any insight, lol. I have gone out of my way to schedule playdates, attend birthday parties, etc. I do think it has helped my dd socially. Could you ask you dd who she might like to invite over to play, or, to a more neutral location, like a movie? Or, ask one of the parents who seems more approachable if their child is available. I don't see anything wrong with helping her along socially.

Also, once when I was particularly worried about dds social situation, I scheduled a conference with dd's teacher. The woman was assured me that dd played regularly with several girls and not to worry. It definitely eased my fears. But, if there is a problem, the teacher might also have some insight and/or suggestions.

[Cascadian]

A bit of different perspective...sometimes 'best friends' aren't all that...with my DD, yes she does have a BFF, but BFF is a very indulged single who needs to be better than my DD lots of the time (likely because it's always reinforced by her overly indulgent parents)...not every best friend situation is a great one, just like other relationships :/ There are always dynamics.