"Mama Bear" at the playground.... I know some of you have BTDT... - Page 4

[lab]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

When I was six or  seven, I pulled a little boy's hair.  (Because he was following us)  I got yelled at, and was told to go home.  It hurt my feelings, and I felt bad that the mom was mad at me.   But, what I did was wrong.  I deserved to have my feelings hurt.  I also learned that I wasn't going to be allowed to do anything like that again.  

Sometimes people get yelled at.  Sometimes we deserve it, other times we don't.  But, I bet that kid learned that he had better not try to kick your son in the face again.  That's really what is important.  Your son is more important to you than the feelings of some random kindergartner that already KNEW it wasn't ok to do that.... but, for some reason, he still wanted to try it out.  It didn't work.  He'll get over it, and hopefully learn the right lesson.

If he'd been allowed to continue doing that, he would just assume nobody cared, and he could just do it as much as he wanted.  But, now he knows. 

If I'd been the mother of that five year old, I would have gladly allowed you to yell at my son.  (and he would have gone home)  I won't have a child of mine purposely trying to hurt or intimidate a smaller child.  I might not have believed you when you said my precious little angel child did such a thing to your overly slow child.... because my dear sweet girl never would have done that.  Surely you must just be hormonal and mean, and you just didn't see what REALLY happened.    Then, I would have gone home and blogged about you.

Love it!!!

[DasMaedchen]

I would have done similar to the OP I think.  I work with children so it goes against all my training and schooling to react in a mama bear way,  but sometimes there is no way around it.

[Honey693]

I think what you did was fine.  If my kid (even at 2.5, like she is now) was going to stomp in another child's face I would applaud another mom for freaking out on my kid if I wasn't around.  If my child is in danger of seriously hurting another kid, no matter what the ages involved are, I think yelling is completely fine.  Mama bear was definitely called for here.

[nerdymom]

I don't think it's ok to yell at a 5 year old, but I understand your impulse to do so. At the playground near our apartment, there are a bunch of latch key kids who are really too old for the equipment but they don't have anything else to do because they are bored and their parents aren't home. DS plays there and has occasionally been picked on. I have always found a sharp "hey" and a healthy dose of the stink eye does the trick.

[beenmum]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

  I might not have believed you when you said my precious little angel child did such a thing to your overly slow child.... because my dear sweet girl never would have done that.  Surely you must just be hormonal and mean, and you just didn't see what REALLY happened.    Then, I would have gone home and blogged about you.

 And that is the jist of it.

[beenmum]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

Originally Posted by mtiger 

While I understand that you were upset, I'm not sure I understand why - if you were within arm's reach, you had to scream at the kid. Why not just grab yours out of the way and tell the other kid he was out of line?

If you were further away, I could see your reaction. But... you were apparently right there.

Okay, that is weird.

DH and I were both right there, underneath DS. He is a good climber, and I don't worry about him falling much, but b/c there were other, bigger kids around I stayed close. I "had to" scream at the kid b/c as soon as I saw the foot in DS's face, I said, "Hey! Stop that!" and the kid pushed his foot DOWN, not away from DS's face. (His shoe was ON his face.) When I realized he wasn't going to respond right away, I freaked out, thinking he was just going to push all his weight down on DS and make him fall. When I freak out, I scream bloody murder. It's not something I like about myself and want to change, but in the moment I just couldn't keep my composure.

Is that weird?

This child dint push your son in the face until you screamed at him. Until that point he wasnt pushing into your son. Your screaming prbably caused him to react in an attept to get away from the situation and that was what inciting the pushing.

I think by reacting so fast and loudly, it ended up hightening the sitaution to the degree that your son was actaully in danger. Throwing flame onto fire never calms a situation down.

That child didnt hurt your child, however you ended up upsetting him. And thats what happens when we escalate situations.

[swd12422]

Um, what? The kid's shoe was already ON my son's face when I looked up and saw his leg moving around, like he was grinding his foot down. I'm not sure how you decided the kid wasn't hurting my son til I yelled, and I do admit to reacting quickly, but no, I don't just start screaming before anything has actually happened. I'm not THAT mean and hormonal. But thank you.

And yes, I did see what happened, b/c I was standing directly beneath my son, next to my husband. I think you might be missing the small amount of humor that was injected into this thread, and for that I am sorry. My son was the one in danger, and even I can recognize and appreciate a little humor when someone throws it in there.

[shells_n_cheese]

Oh jeez. Some of these responses are ridiculous. It seems some think they are so perfect that they would NEVER react by yelling at another child, or their own, during a situation where you have seconds - or even less -  to react. It's easy to sit back and judge the situation when you are not in the moment and have time to stop and think rationally.

OP, I think you did nothing wrong.

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese 

Oh jeez. Some of these responses are ridiculous. It seems some think they are so perfect that they would NEVER react by yelling at another child, or their own, during a situation where you have seconds - or even less -  to react. It's easy to sit back and judge the situation when you are not in the moment and have time to stop and think rationally.

OP, I think you did nothing wrong.

Well said!

[rightkindofme]

Let me crawl out from under my bridge and introduce myself.  I am a Troll.  A mean, nasty troll.  If you are mean to other people I'm going to call you on it.  Sometimes in not perfectly kind, modulated tones.  If it's my kid you can bet your buttons I'm going to scream it.  I'm not going to apologize.  I'm not going to feel bad that a bully (and I'm not saying that all bullies are terrible horrible children who should be permanently exiled) got yelled at.  In fact I'm going to be glad that the kid might think twice next time and realize that their negative behavior has negative consequences. 

And if it is my kid doing the bullying and I miss seeing it?  Yell at her.  Please do.  Because it is not freakin ok to risk someone else's safety that way even if my own perfect delicate little snowflake is the one being inappropriate.  In my experience of the world people aren't nice to you when you do awful things.  I feel that has been a good thing because it has resulted in me having both intrinsic (I want to be a kind person) and extrinsic (I'm not real thrilled about getting yelled at) motivation to not hurt other people.  I view yelling in defense as not particularly hurtful.  Let me tell you, my thousands of hours of therapy have not once included me crying and saying, "And then I...I...I... got yelled at when I was injuring someone else!  That terrible person!"  Yeah, no.

[swd12422]

Welcome to the club of the hormonal and mean! ;-)

[beenmum]

I was just going by what you stated. And that was after you yelled he pushed his shoe into your sons face.

You said that he didnt hurt your son, but when you yelled it upset him and your husband.

I didnt say anything negative. I said that maybe you yelling caused some escaltion to a situation that may not have happened if you had grabbed your son instead, or not started screaming.

You asked how others would react, and I replied that altho it may have been instinctual, it didnt do you or your son any favors. You escalted a situation. Now you know for next time that yelling only nakes things worse and you will have other tools at your disposel.

[swd12422]

Oh, I see... So if I hadn't yelled, the kid would have stopped at pushing his foot into my kid's face at one time. If he hadn't gotten caught, he would have been just fine with a little push, and not continued to try to push my son down completely off the ladder? Sorry, I'm not buying it. I don't know what was in that kid's head, and you definitely don't either.

Yes, I agree that yelling like that was not the best way to handle it. But whether that escalated it is not something any of us can know. The fact that he did it again after I said, "Hey!" doesn't mean he wouldn't have kept at it if I'd been as MIA as his parents were.

[beenmum]

I'm a bit confused. When you asked this:

So I just wanted to hear from some of you who have BTDT.... Was I as terrible as DH thinks I was, or would you have done the same? (Or both?)

I thought you  wanted our opinions as parents and possibly educators on why this approach didnt work the way you wanted it to. But when i brought up some logical suggestions you got upset and said I was wrong.

I dont think you were necessarily wrong, but you asked a question and I answred it. I dont know what else you were asking for. I'm sorry if I upset you.

[swd12422]

I did want to hear what you all thought. Not WHY this approach didn't work the way I wanted it to... I never asked that question. My question, as you quoted, was about my gut, instinctual reaction to the situation and just how "wrong" it was. I felt it was "wrong." I do not like to yell, especially like that. I know there are tons of GD mamas here who don't yell ever (or claim not to) or at least aim for that. (I'm in the aiming camp.) But it wasn't my conscious decision to just start screaming. I looked up, saw the kid's foot on DS's face, and said, "HEY!" The kid looked down at me and continued what he was doing to my son, and my fear kicked in that DS would just fall off the ladder, and all I could do was yell -- for help, to get him to stop, to make sure he heard me, whatever. I wasn't able to take a moment to think, "If I yell really loudly at this kid, he'll stop/keep doing it/escalate the situation/cry...." Nope. My brain disengaged and my reflexes took over. I'm not proud of that. But DH (who freaks out in emergencies himself) got ANGRY at me, when all I was trying to do was stop our son from being hurt. So I asked the question here to see if there would be a 100% agreement with him.

If you think I was wrong to yell, that's fine. Obviously, you're not the only one, and even I agree there was a better way to handle it. But you're reading between lines and blaming me for throwing flames on a fire when the fire was already roaring. My son was ALREADY IN DANGER before I started yelling. That's WHY I started yelling. I don't just go around yelling at kids who aren't doing anything wrong. Even I'm not that mean and hormonal.

[beenmum]

 You just wanted to know if you were right or wrong, but wanted no actual reasoning behind why we thought you were right or wrong?

But you asked us what we would do.

 I think you have explained yourself very clearly. Why would I sit there and say "Your wrong?"  I wasnt there, as you stated. And i think that telling someone they  are flat out wrong is very ineffective b/c it hurts peoples feelings. I dont wish to do that.

I figured offering some perspective would be more helpful, which was what I thought you were asking for when you asked us what we would do.

.

Edited by beenmum - 1/13/11 at 10:31am

[CrazyCatLady]

I think the situation could have been handled differently/better as well.  With out the screaming and freaking out.  I can't say I would have been actually angry like your husband was cause I kind of understand why you panicked.  But I would have been very embarrassed and it may have come off as angry.

[FoxintheSnow]

I do think "screaming bloody murder" was OTT and hopefully you'll figure out a way to handle those situations better. I've learned in my years as a parent that it's up to me to protect my children. So in that situation, I would've immediately removed my 2 year old from the ladder. It might not be fair or right, but it would keep her safe. 5 year olds still often have a long way to go when it comes to impulse control and adding something like adhd or asperger's just compounds that. Experience tells me that not every kid is going to listen immediately, or the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time they are told something so I need to do what is in my control, and that is removing my child from the situation.

[LynnS6]

In reality, I probably would have reacted as you had. In addition, I probably would have marched the older child over to his parent and explained what he was doing to her.

How bad would that be? It depends on how long you yelled. Was it "Stop! Get your foot out of my son's face! How can you do this? Where is your mother?" I'd be OK with that. Was it 2-3 minutes of haranguing? That would be over the top, and you probably should have been able to stop yourself.

While it would be nice to be able to respond calmly and rationally at all moments, when your child is in danger (even if it's perceived danger), it's hard. And I think it's probably good for the other child to experience the real fear that you are feeling. The couple of times my kids did things that were really dangerous (dashing across a busy parking lot type things), it was the words that stopped them, but the emotion in my voice during and after. Luckily, my kids are old enough now that they've got the foresight, and they're generally cautious kids to be begin with. So, I've got a few years of respite before the teenage years hit and I have to fear for the judgment and safety again. I'm sure that emotion will come back into my voice if they do something unsafe, and I won't feel bad about it.

[rubidoux]

I'm surprised at how this thread has gone.  I would have thought there'd be a bunch of btdt stories.  I wonder if the lack of them really means that we mama bears are in the minority.   

Anyhow, here's my story:  When Milo was probably about a year and a half old we were playing with some friends in an indoor play area in a mall.  I was standing about a foot and a half away from him, but I was talking to a mom who was sitting several feet away from me, so I wasn't just looking straight at him, but back and forth between him and my friend.  I looked down at one point and saw what seemed to be a sweet little girl (I'm sure she was, mostly), 3 or possibly 4 yrs old, sweetly patting him on the head, looked up to my friend, and then when I looked down again, she had four of his fingers in her mouth and she was biting down as hard as she could, like with head shaking from exertion.  OMG!  I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.  He was my first child and this was the first time anything *bad* had happened to him, and certainly the first time he'd been purposely hurt by another person.  I just reacted, did not think about it at all, and had I thought about it, I'm sure I would have behaved differently.  But I physically did *something* to that little girl.  I moved her with force, though I'm not sure if I pushed her or kind of threw her away from him.  And I swear, I think I roared.  There was probably only a 3 second period that I really was out of control but I truly don't remember what I actually did and the idea of that has always freaked me out (this was probably 5 1/2 years ago now).  The little girl wasn't hurt, thank goodness.  But I bet she was kinda stunned by it.  And, as a previous posted said, I think maybe it was a good thing to show that girl what my visceral reaction was.  My guess is that she had been told many times not to, and probably yelled at and punished and maybe even hit, over biting, but there was something very honest and immediate about my reaction that I'm sure she didn't miss.  My reaction wasn't punishing or mean or belittling of her, but it did make clear how her biting made me feel.  So who knows, maybe it gave her a reason not to keep biting or maybe it didn't.  But I think it was okay in the end. 

The good news is...  I haven't done anything like that since.  It has not been a pattern, at all.  There was a post here somewhere where someone seemed to be assuming that you are just a screamer or something, like it's a habit and you reacted that way because yelling is your habit.  But I don't think that's what your reaction was about at all.  I am not generally a roarer, in fact I believe that was the only occasion in my life where I roared and I never push little kids around.  The whole thing felt so much more chemical than that -- like I had a hormonal response, not an "oh, I'm feeling b*tchy bc I'm a woman" kind of hormonal, but a good honest to goodness chemical reaction.  I suppose it was probably a good spurt of adrenaline that caused it.  And I bet that was the case for you.  I really don't think you should beat yourself up about it.  I was pretty horrified bc I actually touched the little girl, but the kid you're talking about is not going to be hurt by your yelling.  If anything, it could be helpful.  Why on earth would a five year old think he'd get away with that sort of behavior in front of the parents of the kid he was being mean to???  Crazy!  He may have needed a little dose of reality.