What really happened? (DCP problem)

[LilMomma83]

So, DS1 (3 1/2) told me yesterday that DCP (in home care, they have been with her for about 2 years) put his little brother (18mos) in time out and he would not stay there so DCP put DS2 outside in the "cold" room (glassed in carport/converted to unheated dining room) in a highchair with his coat on, then brought him back in and said, "no more." He then went on to tell me that DCP's mother (she was living with him in the beginning 2 years ago, and now she is back for a while) hit his leg and knocked him down (because he "did something bad"), then he said that he wanted to eat and DCP wanted him to play so she stuck a spoon down his throat and choked him (then he said she put it on the outside of his throat, then he said the inside and then he said she choked him but it did not go to his belly). I called DH and he told the whole story to him and kept it the same, we asked him how he felt and he said, "bad." Then DH and I were talking (on the phone) about how we would handle care today and how we should talk to DCP etc etc. After I hung up with DH DS1 said, "I was just joking, she didn't really do that stuff." I asked him why and he said that he wanted me to laugh. I asked him several more times if it happened or not and told him if it did I really needed to know and he kept saying he had made it up. I told him it is not nice to make stories up that can get people in trouble and that we needed to call daddy. DS1 started crying, "don't call daddy I want him to be happy" and when DH talked to him he said the same thigns he said to me about having made up the story as a joke to make  me laugh. We explained that that is serious and he made us very scared and not to joke about things that can hurt people but that nobody should do that to him and if they do he needs to tell us and asked him again what happened and he said he made it up.

So my father watched both kids today instead of sending them to daycare but I will need to send DS2 again on Wednesday (and DS2 is not very verbal yet - he can say plenty of words, but, can not tell us about his day or anything).

DS1 DOES like to make up stories...but, I also cannot imagine where he came up with those ideas (mostly the choking one)...usually he just tells me how he played with a dinosaur puzzle or something. He also has been into "joking" so I am leaning towards thinking he did make up the story (especially sense we have had NO problems of this sort with DCP - in fact she has been very AP and NP friendly, supportive of BF, cloth diapering our son, carrying him most of the time and comforting him to sleep etc - she is liek that with all the kids).

Anyway...I just feel a little unsettled still, wondering if this happened...and especially sense DS1 will be back in preschool next week and DS2 will be with this DCP by himself (except for Saturdays).

What would you do? How would you approach this? I really do not want to switch DCP's again, we have been so happy with her (the AP/NP stuff, and that she speaks Spanish is very important to us; not to mention her rates are affordable and she has been very understanding with us paying her only twice a month and gave us a discount because we do ALWAYS pay it). That said, I do not want my kids in an abusive situation and will switch in a heartbeat.

Finally, my FT job is at a daycare center/preschool and kids acuse me all the time of "hurting" them and can be very specific...so I totally understand that kids make things up...and I would hate to have that on me when it is no where near true.

Please help me figure out what to do! I am such a loss and I can't ask my local mom friends because everyone talks to each other and one of them is related to DCP!

[Alyantavid]

Call the provider and ask.  When my kids have come home and told me things, I've always called and asked the provider's version.

Can't you take them to the daycare where you work?  Then you'd know how they're doing all day.

[LilMomma83]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

Call the provider and ask.  When my kids have come home and told me things, I've always called and asked the provider's version.

Can't you take them to the daycare where you work?  Then you'd know how they're doing all day.

Right now my center is on winter break, normally DS1 does come with me; but, the under 2 program is full AND it is too expensive (I only get one free tuition, which naturally is the cheaper one). The difference would litterally mean my whole salary went to daycare (with the exception of Saturdaysand school holidays when I work my other job and they both go to our home DCP)...I am also looking for a new job sense the daycare center is not paying my bills...its just temporary until I can find a different FT job that pays better so depending on hours I may still need a home daycare provider (I'm a Recreation major so I will probably have really wierd hours).

[Ellien C]

I agree with calling the provider. You can start out with: DS told me this funny story. You'll never believe it - ha ha and see what she says. You don't have to acuse her of anything, but just tell her what your son told you.

[Fieryfly]

As a childcare professional yourself, how would you want a parent to respond to things their child said to them? Having a conversation with your DCP can at the least provide more communication between you two, esp if there are issue going on like timeouts with your toddler or her mother disciplining the daycare children.  Her reaction to your concerns can also give you an idea of how she handles these types of situations.

Good luck, having had children in daycare myself and later a home daycare provider, it is tough to hear these things from your own children's mouths but you have to trust your gut and get all the info you can before coming to a decision either way.  Good luck!

[pregnant@40]

 I would believe your child.

[Forthwith]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40 

 I would believe your child.

Which time?

[nextcommercial]

That's hard, because the "Cold room" story was really believable.  (he had details)

But, the choking story is not believable.  Your son is two?  I can't even wrap my brain around why a provider would shove a spoon down a child's mouth.  I provide daycare, and we only eat at meal and snack times, so I would just say "no, go play"  Or "It's not lunch time yet".   

I can see how your provider would be under stress if her mom is living there.  (heaven knows I would be) and I can see how she'd have short fuse for the kids.  But, shoving a spoon in a child's mouth is so far beyond anything normal, I have a hard time believing that one.  But, that doesn't mean it DIDN'T happen.  It just means it's beyond my belief.

The hitting on the leg.... I do things like that all the time.  Last week, one girl was in trouble with me.  The punishment is "You don't get to sleep next to Ava at nap time".  But, a second later, I was reaching over a chair to pick one child up for a diaper change.  She was walking backwards pulling two girls in a parachute.  I tripped over the floor mat, and kicked her right in the bottom as she was sitting on the floor to get better traction.  So, if she'd gone home and said "I got in trouble, and miss K kicked me in the leg"... that would have been slightly true. 

I think based on the fact that the "cold room" story sounded very true to me, I'd ask the provider about that.  But, don't assume what you heard was completely true.  Listen to her side of the story, and see who you believe more.  

It's good that your older son said those things.  I kinda think I'd believe his first version.  At least a portion of it.  I'd be proud that he pays attention and is watching out for his little brother.  I wouldn't make a big deal out of anything he says in front of him though.  He may have retracted his story because he got scared.  Especially since he cried too. You don't want him to think he can't tell you things.

[pregnant@40]

I would believe the first story until proven otherwise. A plausible scenario is that he doesn't want to tell you guys something that will make you upset, and thus get him into trouble: "don't call Daddy, I want him to be happy". As others have suggested, I would directly ask the childcare provider. But rather than a joking approach, I would ask her in all seriousness & w/ a matter-of-fact approach. No leading questions/statements, so that you can judge how the two stories corroborate.
 

Originally Posted by Kelmendi 

Originally Posted by pregnant@40 

 I would believe your child.

Which time?