Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!
You need someone who isn't afraid of commitment. I think you're trying to "talk yourself into" this guy. I also find odd that you are afraid of this particular thing - dragging committment out of him. If he's ready to commit, he will. If he's not, he won't. I don't think he's ready, and I think you're looking for someone who is. Don't settle.
I think it's fair to give someone a chance to see if they want a serious relationship with you. It's only been less than two months, and we've seen each other six times (some of which included a couple of days at a time) in that entire time. He has been entirely honest with me from the start and said he wants to take it slowly, but he has also made it clear that we are in a relationship, refers to himself as my boyfriend etc. SO it's not as if I am dating someone who is giving me no commitment - just not quite the level of commitment i want - which I couldn't even really define, it 's more a sense of someone really being IN my life, participating in it and being someone I could call and say 'I've had a crap day', and he'd be available. WHen he's free, he is like that - but the fact is he is an extremely busy man.
I was talking to a friend the other day who's been with her boyf for 9 months, now living together, they are totally devoted to each other and got serious quite early on, are even trying to have a baby together already (I know, I know!!) Even she said, "but could I say he is definitely 'the one'? I don't know. I dont think anyone knows that for sure. People change all the time." I think that's where it's at with this guy: he's been through two decades more of relationships than me, and has been through too many 'The Ones' to allow himself to get carried away too early. And I'm starting to realise, after several 'failed' relationships, some of them very long, in which I was convinced they were each 'the One', that there are no guarantees - just unfolding moments with a person that you see whether you want to keep on having unfolding moments with. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself into this guy. But there's something special about him- a lot of special things in fact - that I've never experienced with anyone before, so I want to give it a chance. He's the most emotionally literate, intelligent, successful, attuned and aware guy I've ever been involved with, and is the first guy to really walk his talk and be on a spiritual path as I am. This is a huge breakthrough for me after thirteen years of addicts etc. I won't settle though: if he doesn't up the commitment in the next couple months - and us being apart of necessity for 5 weeks in March will be a testing period - then I'm outa here. As for being afraid of the 'dragging the commitment out of him', I'm learning about adult, healthy relationships in which trust is built over time - not an instant, intense 'I love you' after two weeks which is the way I've always done it - and didn't work. So although I feel I'm falling in love with him I can also reign it in a little. He also shared two weeks after we got together that he knew he could easily fall in love with me and was 's**tting himself' about it. We all have fears around letting someone in, really in, and trusting and being intimate - me too.