January Dating Thread - Page 6

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by Devaya 

Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

You need someone who isn't afraid of commitment.  I think you're trying to "talk yourself into" this guy.  I also find odd that you are afraid of this particular thing - dragging committment out of him.  If he's ready to commit, he will.  If he's not, he won't.  I don't think he's ready, and I think you're looking for someone who is.  Don't settle.

QUOTE

I think it's fair to give someone a chance to see if they want a serious relationship with you. It's only been less than two months, and we've seen each other six times (some of which included a couple of days at a time) in that entire time. He has been entirely honest with me from the start and said he wants to take it slowly, but he has also made it clear that we are in a relationship, refers to himself as my boyfriend etc. SO it's not as if I am dating someone who is giving me no commitment - just not quite the level of commitment i want - which I couldn't even really define, it 's more a sense of someone really being IN my life, participating in it and being someone I could call and say 'I've had a crap day', and he'd be available. WHen he's free, he is like that - but the fact is he is an extremely busy man. 

I was talking to a friend the other day who's been with her boyf for 9 months, now living together, they are totally devoted to each other and got serious quite early on, are even trying to have a baby together already (I know, I know!!) Even she said, "but could I say he is definitely 'the one'? I don't know. I dont think anyone knows that for sure. People change all the time." I think that's where it's at with this guy: he's been through two decades more of relationships than me, and has been through too many 'The Ones' to allow himself to get carried away too early. And I'm starting to realise, after several 'failed' relationships, some of them very long, in which I was convinced they were each 'the One', that there are no guarantees - just unfolding moments with a person that you see whether you want to keep on having unfolding moments with. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself into this guy. But there's something special about him- a lot of special things in fact - that I've never experienced with anyone before, so I want to give it a chance. He's the most emotionally literate, intelligent, successful, attuned and aware guy I've ever been involved with, and is the first guy to really walk his talk and be on a spiritual path as I am. This is a huge breakthrough for me after thirteen years of addicts etc. I won't settle though: if he doesn't up the commitment in the next couple months - and us being apart of necessity for 5 weeks in March will be a testing period - then I'm outa here. As for being afraid of the 'dragging the commitment out of him', I'm learning about adult, healthy relationships in which trust is built over time - not an instant, intense 'I love you' after two weeks which is the way I've always done it - and didn't work. So although I feel I'm falling in love with him I can also reign it in a little. He also shared two weeks after we got together that he knew he could easily fall in love with me and was 's**tting himself' about it. We all have fears around letting someone in, really in, and trusting and being intimate - me too.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

You're welcome. It was good for me to get all that 'out'. The insights are more about me than about Troll or his specific MO. I don't generally get into abusive dudes...it has happened before, but I've had several adoring men who only brought blessings, not chaos. I share it all in the spirit of my process of detachment, regardless of what the dude himself was perpetuating. Troll will never give up as long as I'm saying 'no'...and anytime I'm saying 'yes', he's backing off. It's ridiculous. I am not yet convinced that it's scary, but it's certainly tired.

As far as the film goes, I don't find it anti-feminist. I do find it shallow, and the characters often vapid. I'm currently considering programs for a PhD in Gender Studies, so I'll call myself a mini-expert on this for now (I only have a minor in Women's Studies, but I'm among the coolest toughest academic women I know ) . I find it a snapshot, and an insightful one with regard to simple analysis of 'Duh, if he's not calling, it's cuz he's not calling. Accept it.' The film only showcases Euro, middle-class folks with no kids, so...yeah. It wasn't so much mind-blowing in its complexity, as it was a welcome reminder for its simplicity. We tend to get tempted to try to imagine that the situation we're dealing with is an exception, not an example of a rule. It's very overt in calling that out. Watch it, seriously.

If you come back and tell me I wasted 1.5 hours of your life, I'll send you a cookie...but watch it anyway....
 

[Devaya]

Attuned Mama, your post made me smile! Nice to know your feminist credentials - I know the mamas on here are intelligent, thoughtful women but it was just stuff I'd heard from some of my more New Age-y friends, like not to read books or watch films that reinforce stereotypical ideas about men/women relationships because it is limiting. Unfort I think a lot of new age women think men are all the same as them, but my experience is that, well, they're just NOT. I have reserved the film for rent and should get it soon - looking forward to it! Now had probably better take a hike over to Feb dating thread as it's now, what, the 6th of Feb? LOL. But good to finish the conversation over here!

[ZoeyZoo]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. My bet is that he feels he has you where he wants to and can relax and get into bad habits. My advice is to stop contacting him if you're only getting one liners back anyway. He needs to step up and if he cares about you he will. It's a guy's reaction to call if he cares and she isn't contacting him. You'll know quickly where you stand without having to say a word.

I did this to a guy and he was calling, texting me, e-mailing, and trying everything to get a hold of me to tell me he cared and to excuse his laziness. Message got through loud and clear. 
 

I honestly am having trouble reading this from the post. I tend to have always had more male friends than women so I have some ideas on how this think (thought I'll admit I'm not 100%). I don't like a couple things your wrote here. He went out of town, was online, and hasn't contacted you. You don't see eachother for long periods of time and it's always you calling, texting, etc. Either he is lazy and needs to learn to row the boat every once in a while to give you a break and pull his weight. Or something fishy is up. Not saying another person but he may be a player, liar, or something else that isn't right. Guys that are really into their women think about them when they're away and want to hear/contact them. It's a great sign of things once the initial I have to look cool/not desperate period has worn off IMO.

[Devaya]

Thanks, thats v helpful. I have refrained frm contacting him since i sa
w him last thurs, he was on a retreat on weekend and called me soon as he left yesterday. Im not going to contact him again and see whether he steps up to the mark. When we spoke y.day he was warm, said he'd been thinking of ne, but also told me how busy he is this wk and didnt mention when we'd see each other (we have a.weekend together booked in eleven days time but he had said he'd find another day btwn now and then to visit - he didnt mention this and so i said nothing bout it). I dont suspect something fishy, i think he just may not have space in his busy life for a single mom living 50 miles away who cant just meet up whenever. I also think ive made some mistakes that have set off his 'neediness' radar, like asking whether we were in a relat or not. So we shall see if he steps up to the mark. I keep feeling i should date other guys to be less dependent on someone who isnt fully committdd to tgs extent i would like,but as we are in a sexual relat and have agreed we are exclusive i dont think i can now.