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January Dating Thread - Page 2

post #21 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

 

I believe we are like magnets. We are drawn to what we know. If our mom has issues, and our dad has issues, we are drawn to people with similar issues. We learn when we are tiny what love looks like, and people like our parents really appeal to us even though it's not healthy!!! 

 

I believe once we are aware of this we can change. A counselor is a GREAT idea. I also agree that the book mentioned by the poster above me is really, really good! I read a few chapters of it online for free and want to read the whole book.
 

post #22 of 105

Yeah, artlover, he's bad news.

 

I have a blind date Friday. I'm feeling blah about it right now.

post #23 of 105

Artlover:
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post

Artlover86, G is an asshole a UAV. 

 

First, I've never been the jealous type. Seriously. I get that even when you're in a relationship with someone, other people are still attractive. And I see nothing wrong with acknowledging that openly.

 

That said, going on and on and on "all night" about how hot someone else is and how the two of them were flirting is not OK, though. It is insensitive at best and downright cruel or worse in most cases. Saying crude things about what he would do to another girl to that other girl in front of his girlfriend is also unacceptable. Crosses the line, too.

 

Looking up someone on fb to ask if they want a threesome might have been OK but ONLY IF you and he had previously discussed whether a 3some was something you both wanted (and the answer was 'yes'), and discussed whether or not that particular person was one you both (emphasis on the both) wanted to have a threesome with (and the answer was 'yes'), AND you had both agreed that fb was the way to do it.

 

If you weren't part of the decision to contact her, then the message wasn't from "both of you". If the two of you haven't fully discussed threesomes and whether or not both of you want them, then the message wasn't from both of you. Just because you two are "together" doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be a jerk to you and other women.

 

(As an aside, personally, broaching the subject of a threesome via fb is out of line, and immature, in my opinion. And, if I ever wanted to have a threesome with a couple and one of them looked me up on fb to propose doing so, that would be enough to make me no longer want a threesome with them. Threesomes and immaturity do not make for good times.)

 

(As another aside, I personally would find it less unacceptable for my partner to cheat on me than to try to coerce me into an unwanted threesome by going behind my back and trying to set one up without discussing it with me beforehand and acting like there was nothing wrong with doing so or that it was my issue. At least with the cheating, *I* am not being dragged into doing something I don't want to do. If that makes any sense.)

 

Getting drunk and saying mean things is never acceptable. Even if you say 'sorry' after. I might (but only might) give someone a pass on that one ONCE and once only if there there were extenuating circumstances (drunk is not an extenuating circumstance), it never happened again, and there had never been the slightest hint of other cruel, unacceptable behavior. But, in this case, G is already and often showing unacceptable behavior -- in spades.

 

You are not being too sensitive. And, if he his treating YOU like crap (even if only sometimes--which is clearly the case from your post), then he is not "wonderful" with your girls. Unless you want him teaching your girls that being treated poorly is what they should strive for in a relationship.

 

It is not your issue. He's a jerk. 

 

As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.


DITTO!!!  All of this!

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever.

A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch.

A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him.

Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before.


You aren't being sensitive - he's throwing up MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR red flags.  Do NOT move in with him!!!

 

He seriously said that b/c HE sent a message to someone asking if they wanted a threesome, and b/c you're in a relationship with him, the message was basically from you too??????  Ummm...NO IT WASN'T - it was HIM that wrote it, it is HIS message.

 

He sounds abusive.  Get out now.


Ugh!  This!  Seriously, if he is that controlling and disrespectful to even acknowledge you as your own autonomous person??!!!  MAJOR red flags!!  Get out now!!! Just because you are a couple DOES NOT MEAN HE OWNS YOU AND THAT HIS ACTIONS ARE YOURS???  You are your own person.  Don't EVER let anyone tell you different.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.



Do you see a counselor?  What research have you done about abusive relationships?  Would you be willing to read a book?  The book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft really lays out what the red flags ARE, what you should look for, what different types of abusers there are, and is, in general AMAZING.  It changed my life, and I think you should read it since you aren't seeing the red flags on your own.  I have recommended this book so many times on this website its unbelievable - but it was a really amazing book for me.  It really laid out what to look for and what to be very cautious of, and when to RUN.

 

I also think you may benefit from spending some time not in a relationship (I don't know your dating history, I've just recently started following the dating threads), to really discover who YOU are, and what you WANT and NEED.  And then, when you re-enter the dating world - be picky.  Don't date someone who throws up ANY red flags.


Super Single Mama is very very wise with that book recomendation.  She hounded me until I bought it, and I'm soooo very appreciative to her for it.  (love you S.S. Mama! *hugs*)  That book coupled with, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood SAVED my life. Literally. 

 

A counselor, or rather a GOOD counselor who is very school in abuse is also extremely helpful and will help you start taking off the "rose colored glasses".  Many domestic abuse centers offer free abuse counseling and have support groups.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Momtwice View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

 

I believe we are like magnets. We are drawn to what we know. If our mom has issues, and our dad has issues, we are drawn to people with similar issues. We learn when we are tiny what love looks like, and people like our parents really appeal to us even though it's not healthy!!! 

 

I believe once we are aware of this we can change. A counselor is a GREAT idea. I also agree that the book mentioned by the poster above me is really, really good! I read a few chapters of it online for free and want to read the whole book.
 


It is true... we are maganetized to what we learned as we grew up.  You are making the first step at recognizing you are attracted to abusers... now the hard work begins of shifting through the past and realizing WHY you are... and then start breaking the cycle.

 

Many of us have been through it and are still working through it.  The book I recommened, "Women Who Love Too Much" was the most eye opening to me, because it made me acknowledge, that just like an alcoholic, I had an addiction, a problem, something that I will need to be aware of and work against for the rest of my life.  I am an addict to the chaos that surrounds abusers, because it's what I learned growing up.  It was my normal. 

 

While my parents are still alive... they are not people I can go to for support on this, as they are emotionally abusive to me and to each other... I had to learn and dig myself out with the wonderful help of the loving Mamas here, and my totally awesome counselor.

 

You can do it.  You can make the change.  But it takes work, and awareness, everyday.  But you can do it.  *hugs*  Leave the UAV you are with, because he will only kill your soul more and more.  Be good to yourself!  And learn to build yourself up.

 

 

 

post #24 of 105

My dating update... Happy Happy!!!  Tech guy met my kids yesterday. (please no flames... this was actually something I talked to my counselor about and she agreed it would be good to meet casually and she how it went, but at this point to just not bring him around the kids frequently and keep it platonic in front of them, which I had already thought and so agreed), plus I have male friends that visit occaisonly and I did not see this any differently than that.

 

I just wanted to see how he interacted with kids and felt like it was one more puzzle piece to put my mind at ease.  It went AWESOME!  DD usually doesn't talk to new people, at all.  She climbed right up on his lap and told him all about her picture book (her 1 year scrap book) it made me melt. 

 

I just feel like I can breath... I feel totally myself and comfortable around him.  He got to see me as my other half, the Mama half, that doesn't wear make-up and has at least one child attached at all times if not both.  lol  and a spit rag attached to me too.... I had DS in the sling and the spit up rag on my shoulder as I was mixing up a salad for dinner, and he just looked at me and told me how beautiful I was.  As fellow Mama's, you know what I mean about how that made me feel.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who does not feel super attractive while wrangling kids, especially babies and spit up.  lol  For him to see me as beautiful in that moment... amazing.  :)

 

I've never been told daily how beautiful I am.  I'm used to be cut down and told I'm ugly and stupid... This is so surreal.  And it hit me while I previously posting how freakin far I have come in a year.  A year ago I was utterly broken.  I would have to go into the bathroom at work daily to cry.  Now, I'm walking with confidence again, with my head high and making eye contact with co-workers and smiling.  :) 

 

I feel amazing.  I see Tech guy next at the end of the month, for our first overnight.  *insert high school happy giggles here*  lol  I'm having the time of my life! 

post #25 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

Super Single Mama is very very wise with that book recomendation.  She hounded me until I bought it, and I'm soooo very appreciative to her for it.  (love you S.S. Mama! *hugs*)  That book coupled with, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood SAVED my life. Literally. 

 

A counselor, or rather a GOOD counselor who is very school in abuse is also extremely helpful and will help you start taking off the "rose colored glasses".  Many domestic abuse centers offer free abuse counseling and have support groups.

 


And now you get to return the favor!!!  I'm going to put this number one on my post-bar-exam reading list!!  Thanks!  love you too - SO glad things are going well for you!!

post #26 of 105

Phoenix Mama - that makes me SO happy! I was just wondering about you today. :)

post #27 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

 

I highly recommend this book too...

 

Are You the One for Me? Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong by Barbara De Angelis

 
It has a great red flag section and really helped me understand my previous relationship patterns and what a healthy relationship should look like.
post #28 of 105

My internet access is limited right now..... guss my apple laptop may finally need to be upgraded because it won't hold a charge at all.  The worst part is I miss you all.  Can we have more love on the private wall because I can easily access that from my phone.....? 

 

Anywoo... Artlover I really agree with Butterfly that last time so much advise and love was poured your way you kinda attacked us and then went MIA which kinda stings for those who really took the time to give thoughtful responses.  Dating is not easy and breaking away from your usual type can be hard.  When I read of the men you date I just want to scream raise your standards and your worth so much more.... I feel all women are worth more than the two men I recall you dating (this most present one included).  Why is it that some men feel they are the prize to women... sigh, I truly miss the days when courting a women was something to be proud of.

 

2010 was a dating disappointment for me.... the positive was it was my first real step into the dating world and I met one amazing man (who proved to just not be that into me even though he approached me) this was The Artist and I really am disappointed nothing became of the two of us because with regard to work, family, religion, values, etc. we were on the same page but we hardly ever saw eachother even though we lived in the same city.  I think he had a really hard time accepting that one of his very close friends and I dated years and years ago which he did not know when he initally approached me.  I told him and was honest but he could never be man enough to tell his friend he was interested in me which I think lead to us not being more than friends and I don't really feel I can be his friend because I wanted (and may still) want him as more than that.  Then there was the Agent who was my rock during my custody dealings and we were actually in a relationship for 6 months or so but I never made time for him and was not willing to be on his time line (because I was not really into him) so we broke up.  I am not sad about the break up but he was a nice financial cushion so I am kinda mourning the loss of that. winky.gif

 

At the end of 2010 I ran into a childhood friend who has apparently always had a crush on me and adores me we are kinda dating.... more on him later, I have to run and do some work so I can't expand on it but overall it is REALLY nice to have someone adore me so much. Especially while I feel unworthy..... and unwanted. 

 

On January 1, 2011 I met another man who I really really like but he is dating someone so nothing is happening there he is just a sign that good men like him do exsist and that I am worthy of one like him... is it wrong that I am hoping his relationship does not work out so I can be with him? 

 

Well I have to run but I will be back later with my dating resolutions for 2011!  I have been thinking about it quite alot lately.

post #29 of 105

Hi everyone. Phoenix Mama, that is AWESOME news! I totally agree that a boyfriend meeting your children is important so that you know whether he's worth the investment or not...I did that with LCG, he's met my son twice but we are continuing to hang out without him around and only plan to bring DS  back in regularly a few months down the line, by which point we'll either be more established or will have broken up (hopefully not!). and as for him telling you you're beautiful all the time, even when in full 'mom mode', yeah, I completely relate - that is SO cool!

 

LoveOhm, hhmm, interesting stuff - I don't think any feelings are 'wrong', as long as you're upfront with the people involved and don't do anything behind their backs... and yes it is good to know there are good men out there who can give you the love and appreciation you deserve. Good luck!

 

I am seeing LCG tomorrow eve (he's coming to stay overnight)...and I seriously can't wait! Haven't seen him for 9 days and it feels like an eternity. Strange, b/c I'm very busy and happy and I'm not thinking about him all the time (like I was near the beginning), but time DOES seem to really be slow inbetween seeing him! I was feeling a bit insecure about it all recently when he was extremely busy with work and didn't call or text much, but then as soon as his work let up he was in contact loads, even phoning me four times one day! And just really letting me know how much he likes me. I was a little worried to be honest that it might just be the sex for him, but he's made it clear he really is serious about me, enjoys talking to me just as much as the other stuff (he said he likes 'all of it'!) and is planning stuff with me for the next few months, even suggested creating a drop box file so we can merge our calendars and plan stuff since we are both so busy and live in different towns. So...I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, we're going for dinner and a dance class. This is really a new experience for me, having a 'long distance relationship' (not that either of us are calling it a relationship yet, but thats what it feels like - god, how do you know when it is??)

post #30 of 105

Finally had that first date. Just lunch. We spent a whole hour just sitting and talking and laughing. He kissed me, and oh wow. I walked around with this stupidest grin on my face the rest of the day. I still don't know what to think about this dating thing, but I think this could be my fun rebound guy.

post #31 of 105

Thank you for the book recommendation- I am definitely going to read this and do lots of thinking.

post #32 of 105

I need advice Mamas, as I am faced with something that is new to me.  First a quick update about Cyclist: we are no longer dating, which is good.  As we got to know each other better I realized he would never be the man I wanted him to be and he would never be able to give me what I wanted/needed (emotionally, and otherwise).  Writing things down really helped me with this (journaling).  Ok, so I've been dating cute Professor for a few weeks now and we hit it off.  He's so honest, I love it.  Put his cards on the table, told me what he was looking for (a relationship), is artistic, expressive (major plus), funny, a great cook, not codependent, environmentally conscious, grows his own food, etc....BUT, he also told me he is chronically depressed.  As in, he's been depressed since he was born.  I appreciated his honesty and told him that scared me a little as I have never dated anyone who was chronically depressed (as far as I know).  He takes welbutrin and goes to therapy every other week.  I am so happy with my life right now and have such a happy-go-lucky attitude...this information really caught me off guard.  He described it as a "low grade depression" and when he's down it just means he prefers to stay home (as opposed to going out with friends) and lets things go a little, but he's never incapacitated.  So he still goes to work everyday, etc.   I don't know what to think.  I really like him so far.  I've also been depressed in the past, and took medication for it and went to therapy, but it was never chronic. 

I told him I'll never be "his other half" or the one who "completes him" or "what he needs to be happy", etc., and he told me he is perfectly aware of that and that he is not codependent and he knows there's nothing and no one who can truly make him happy.  It is extremely difficult for me to picture life like that...unable to be happy.  And if he hadn't told me, I never would have guessed.  He said none of his friends can tell either, and the few that he has told have been surprised.  We talked about this, and many other things last night in front of his fireplace.  I also gave my spiel of "it takes me a long time to get close to someone" referring to kissing and sex, and he's fine with waiting til whenever (if we ever get there).  We are so incredibly similar in so many ways...I truly think he might be what I've been looking for (a male version of me lol) but this depression thing...I don't know what to make of it.

 

Advice?  Have any of you been with a chronically depressed person before?  Would it be a waste of time to pursue this any further?  Can someone stay happy dating a self-professed "unhappy" person?  On the outside, he looks perfectly fine.  Are any of you chronically depressed?  Would you be able to shed some light on this for me?

post #33 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorenaAZ View Post

 Ok, so I've been dating cute Professor for a few weeks now and we hit it off.  He's so honest, I love it.  Put his cards on the table, told me what he was looking for (a relationship), is artistic, expressive (major plus), funny, a great cook, not codependent, environmentally conscious, grows his own food, etc....BUT, he also told me he is chronically depressed.  As in, he's been depressed since he was born.

 

I told him I'll never be "his other half" or the one who "completes him" or "what he needs to be happy", etc., and he told me he is perfectly aware of that and that he is not codependent and he knows there's nothing and no one who can truly make him happy.  It is extremely difficult for me to picture life like that...unable to be happy.  And if he hadn't told me, I never would have guessed.  He said none of his friends can tell either, and the few that he has told have been surprised.  We talked about this, and many other things last night in front of his fireplace.  I also gave my spiel of "it takes me a long time to get close to someone" referring to kissing and sex, and he's fine with waiting til whenever (if we ever get there).  We are so incredibly similar in so many ways...I truly think he might be what I've been looking for (a male version of me lol) but this depression thing...I don't know what to make of it.

 

Advice?  Have any of you been with a chronically depressed person before?  Would it be a waste of time to pursue this any further?  Can someone stay happy dating a self-professed "unhappy" person?  On the outside, he looks perfectly fine.  Are any of you chronically depressed?  Would you be able to shed some light on this for me?


I've been with a chronically depressed person, and it was a disaster (he was also abusive, and had body dysmorphic disorder as well so take this with a grain of salt).

 

I found it very hard to be happy around him, b/c he wasn't happy.  It wasn't that he didn't enjoy anything, but he never got excited about ANYTHING - nothing at all.  He never really enjoyed anything to the fullest, had a hard time appreciating things that I loved and enjoyed, it was very very difficult to be happy when I was around him, and being happy around him meant emotionally disengaging from his unhappiness which is incredibly difficult.

 

The other odd thing I found in your post, is that you say you've only been dating for a few weeks - is that also how long you've know him?  If so, how do you know all those things for sure?  THey might all be true (I mean, its hard not to know when someone's a good cook if they make you a fantastic meal), but one other thing my ex did was he made himself seem like the perfect person.  He talked about himself as though he was the most perfect, wonderful guy ever to walk the  earth.  He spoke about all his fantastic qualities, said how great he is at all these different things, blah blah blah, and would then turn around and say he was always very critical of himself - but I never, not even ONCE heard himself criticize anything other than his body (remember, body dysmorphic disorder). 

 

I would be weary.

post #34 of 105

hmmm....I know about all those things because I've seen some (like his work, his art, his organic garden, etc.) and from talking to him.  And yes, we've only known each other for a few weeks.  I am very glad you bring up the point of him making himself sound like a great catch because I actually believed all the things he said and had forgotten how guys (and ladies too) like to do that - paint themselves to be a perfect picture.  But it was because he told me about the depression and other things that are not so great, that I believed him and thought he was being honest.  A resounding yes to your advice of being weary.  I went for a hike today with a girlfriend of mine who confessed to me, after telling her about Professor, that she too is chronically depressed and on meds.  Again, I never would have guessed.  She was supportive but also said to take my time (which I do and will).  Oh, and he doesn't do drugs (other than caffeine and alcohol socially).  Thanks for your advice Super~Single~Mama....gave me a lot to consider.

post #35 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorenaAZ View Post

hmmm....I know about all those things because I've seen some (like his work, his art, his organic garden, etc.) and from talking to him.  And yes, we've only known each other for a few weeks.  I am very glad you bring up the point of him making himself sound like a great catch because I actually believed all the things he said and had forgotten how guys (and ladies too) like to do that - paint themselves to be a perfect picture.  But it was because he told me about the depression and other things that are not so great, that I believed him and thought he was being honest.  A resounding yes to your advice of being weary.  I went for a hike today with a girlfriend of mine who confessed to me, after telling her about Professor, that she too is chronically depressed and on meds.  Again, I never would have guessed.  She was supportive but also said to take my time (which I do and will).  Oh, and he doesn't do drugs (other than caffeine and alcohol socially).  Thanks for your advice Super~Single~Mama....gave me a lot to consider.


Yeah, I really think that b/c my ex was chronically depressed (along with his other issues) that it made living with him, even during the "good" times so much harder b/c he just wasn't happy - ever.  And now, he has a great relationship with our son, but I think he can really only take so much (he has though been very helpful when ds has been sick - but again, limited amounts of time).  He was also much much much worse when he didn't get enough sleep - and he slept ALOT b/c of the medication he was on.

 

Also, some things are obvious qualities - beautiful art, good cook, organic garden (yummy!), environmentally conscious.  Other things, like not co-dependant (I mean, no one is going to describe themselves as being co-dependant in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th week of dating, yk?), and honest are not so obvious, and the existence of those other qualities doesn't prove the intangible ones.  It was really hard to see just how my ex's depression affected me until after I was out of the relationship - and he was pretty open with me about when he was feeling worse than usual.  It's very possible though that his depression was worse than the guy that you are seeing (he was hospitalized for being suicidal in high school), just be on the look out for red flags.  Maybe you could do some reading about depression so that you have a better understanding of it?  I don't have any books to recommend, but it would be worth it to see what the experts say so that you know what to look out for.

 

ETA - I just wanted to say that I'm not in any way saying you should stop dating him, or not explore this further - just to keep an eye out for things.  Even things that may not be entirely him - if you notice his depression interfering with your happiness, thats also a red flag that should not be ignored.  It may not be his fault, but it could lead you down a path you really don't want to go down.  That also is not likely to become apparent in the first weeks of dating though, so you'll maybe need to be more conscious of things than usual.  You said before that journaling was good for you - try to keep that up, and go back over it occasionally, and it will help you catch things that you might otherwise not see right away.

post #36 of 105

thumb.gif What Super Single Mum said...

 

One year ago I have been dating a guy for 3 months who was really nice, sweet, tender, I was falling in love with him pretty quickly. But he was depressed, never really happy or excited, slept loooots, it was wearing me down. He held a job and functioned ok but it was affecting all other areas of his life outside from work. It was like living under a permanent grey cloud. I have been depressed in my life on and off, so I know this feeling and I understand. I really do understand. As he did not want to seek help, I could not see him getting better and I could not imagine going on like this forever with no hope for a change. I felt very sad because I could see this wonderful man beneath the depression. Having been with depressed men before and getting dragged down by it I did not want to do it again. I ended the relationship, this time early enough for me, in the past I had invested lots of energy and time in fighting depression of my XP with no success. I know, my decision sounds calculatory and cold but it was the right thing for me to "save" myself. And this man was not abusive (like in Super Single Mum's experience).  

post #37 of 105

I'll add in my own experience with a chronically depressed man. I was with him for almost 10yrs, married for almost 8. His depression, although medicated, colored our entire relationship. He was never happy. Never. It was like he just didn't know how or couldn't find the joy in anything. He suffered from insomnia from the depression that then resulted in a chronic exhaustion. He would get angry at feeling so exhausted and down all the time and become sullen, quiet, moody and hurtful. He took his depression out on me and made me feel responsible for his problems. Our relationship was a series of med changes and attempts to keep things under control, and the result for me was my own depression because of his angry outbursts and inability to fully participate in our relationship.

I'd say just take it slow. Get to know him more, but be wary of it.

post #38 of 105

 

Appears as though I have ended my 1 year no-dating sabbatical 6 months early.  bag.gif

 

In December, while waiting in line at DMV to get plates for my new car, I had a nice conversation with the man standing in front of me.  He gave me his card and said if I ever wanted to continue our conversation to give him a call.  I waited 10 days to email him, because I just wasn't sure I wanted to open the can of worms.  I am a bit reticent (and in all honesty, a tad bit fearful) to date right now.  I am loving this time on my own and don't know if I want to screw around with it.  Plus, I don't know if I completely trust myself to not fall into my typical dating MO.  At the same time, though, I strive to push myself when I get too comfortable in any state of mind.  So... here we go!   

 

Due to traveling, working, holidays, moving (his moving), we weren't able to get together until this last Saturday.   We met for coffee at a local tea/coffee house.  

 

The conversation flowed beautifully and easily.  He's attractive, beautiful blue eyes.  He's older, I'd say his late 40's (I'm 37), which I prefer.  Very urban (which is a MUST for me), well-traveled and, based on some of the stories/experiences he shared with me, mild-tempered and compassionate.  No kids and never been married.  I inquired more about both of those:  he raised his little sister, which seemed to have fulfilled his need to raise one of his own, and has been very career-driven with lots of traveling/moving, which is not too conducive to marriage/children.  He does have strong relationships with his brothers/sisters and nieces/nephews and loves children. 

 

Oh, he also responded very well to my new career pursuit, which many people often have very strong, negative responses towards.  Honestly, it is pretty easy to weed out the ones that are not a good match for me based on how they respond to my telling them that my ultimate passion is to work with severely emotionally disturbed adolescents/teens in residential/hospital treatment centers.  Apparently, his brother-in-law also works with the population.     

 

Anyway, we are meeting next Saturday to go to the Farmer's Market.   

 

 

 

 

 

post #39 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorenaAZ View Post

I need advice Mamas, as I am faced with something that is new to me.  First a quick update about Cyclist: we are no longer dating, which is good.  As we got to know each other better I realized he would never be the man I wanted him to be and he would never be able to give me what I wanted/needed (emotionally, and otherwise).  Writing things down really helped me with this (journaling).  Ok, so I've been dating cute Professor for a few weeks now and we hit it off.  He's so honest, I love it.  Put his cards on the table, told me what he was looking for (a relationship), is artistic, expressive (major plus), funny, a great cook, not codependent, environmentally conscious, grows his own food, etc....BUT, he also told me he is chronically depressed.  As in, he's been depressed since he was born.  I appreciated his honesty and told him that scared me a little as I have never dated anyone who was chronically depressed (as far as I know).  He takes welbutrin and goes to therapy every other week.  I am so happy with my life right now and have such a happy-go-lucky attitude...this information really caught me off guard.  He described it as a "low grade depression" and when he's down it just means he prefers to stay home (as opposed to going out with friends) and lets things go a little, but he's never incapacitated.  So he still goes to work everyday, etc.   I don't know what to think.  I really like him so far.  I've also been depressed in the past, and took medication for it and went to therapy, but it was never chronic. 

I told him I'll never be "his other half" or the one who "completes him" or "what he needs to be happy", etc., and he told me he is perfectly aware of that and that he is not codependent and he knows there's nothing and no one who can truly make him happy.  It is extremely difficult for me to picture life like that...unable to be happy.  And if he hadn't told me, I never would have guessed.  He said none of his friends can tell either, and the few that he has told have been surprised.  We talked about this, and many other things last night in front of his fireplace.  I also gave my spiel of "it takes me a long time to get close to someone" referring to kissing and sex, and he's fine with waiting til whenever (if we ever get there).  We are so incredibly similar in so many ways...I truly think he might be what I've been looking for (a male version of me lol) but this depression thing...I don't know what to make of it.

 

Advice?  Have any of you been with a chronically depressed person before?  Would it be a waste of time to pursue this any further?  Can someone stay happy dating a self-professed "unhappy" person?  On the outside, he looks perfectly fine.  Are any of you chronically depressed?  Would you be able to shed some light on this for me?

 

It takes about 6 months before a person is their "true" self in a relationship. 

 

I wouldn't dismiss someone, initially, based on mental illness.  It would depend on how they manage their illness, what their illness consisted of and what I would be wiling to deal with.

 

"Can someone stay happy dating a self-professed 'unhappy' person?"  I believe so.  Your happiness is your responsibility.  At the same time, though, would you want to be around someone that is 'unhappy' on a frequent basis? 

 

post #40 of 105

I am sure this has been covered before, but if anyone wouldn't mind giving a refresher primer:  I am thinking of online dating at some point.  I was wondering when do you decide to meet in person?  I get that you meet out in public like at a coffee shop or something, but are there "rules" about when you meet.  Do you exchange phone numbers?  What do you all do?  I am a bit worried about meeting people this way and would love to hear about other people's experiences.

 

Thanks.

 

Also, are there any of you that subscribe to the everyone pays there own way?  I have heard people say it is a deal breaker if the man doesn't pay, I want to know why--what is your line of thinking.  Can you tell it has been a loooong time since I have dated?

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