January Dating Thread - Page 3

[Isamama]

Originally Posted by LorenaAZ 

I need advice Mamas, as I am faced with something that is new to me.  First a quick update about Cyclist: we are no longer dating, which is good.  As we got to know each other better I realized he would never be the man I wanted him to be and he would never be able to give me what I wanted/needed (emotionally, and otherwise).  Writing things down really helped me with this (journaling).  Ok, so I've been dating cute Professor for a few weeks now and we hit it off.  He's so honest, I love it.  Put his cards on the table, told me what he was looking for (a relationship), is artistic, expressive (major plus), funny, a great cook, not codependent, environmentally conscious, grows his own food, etc....BUT, he also told me he is chronically depressed.  As in, he's been depressed since he was born.  I appreciated his honesty and told him that scared me a little as I have never dated anyone who was chronically depressed (as far as I know).  He takes welbutrin and goes to therapy every other week.  I am so happy with my life right now and have such a happy-go-lucky attitude...this information really caught me off guard.  He described it as a "low grade depression" and when he's down it just means he prefers to stay home (as opposed to going out with friends) and lets things go a little, but he's never incapacitated.  So he still goes to work everyday, etc.   I don't know what to think.  I really like him so far.  I've also been depressed in the past, and took medication for it and went to therapy, but it was never chronic. 

I told him I'll never be "his other half" or the one who "completes him" or "what he needs to be happy", etc., and he told me he is perfectly aware of that and that he is not codependent and he knows there's nothing and no one who can truly make him happy.  It is extremely difficult for me to picture life like that...unable to be happy.  And if he hadn't told me, I never would have guessed.  He said none of his friends can tell either, and the few that he has told have been surprised.  We talked about this, and many other things last night in front of his fireplace.  I also gave my spiel of "it takes me a long time to get close to someone" referring to kissing and sex, and he's fine with waiting til whenever (if we ever get there).  We are so incredibly similar in so many ways...I truly think he might be what I've been looking for (a male version of me lol) but this depression thing...I don't know what to make of it.

Advice?  Have any of you been with a chronically depressed person before?  Would it be a waste of time to pursue this any further?  Can someone stay happy dating a self-professed "unhappy" person?  On the outside, he looks perfectly fine.  Are any of you chronically depressed?  Would you be able to shed some light on this for me?

This is so tough to answer.  I think it really depends on your guy and how he and you relate to each other and how strong a sense of self you have.

I was married to a chronically unhappy person and it turned out to be hell.  Though mine wasn't that aware of it and blamed much of it on me (meaning he held me responsible to make him happy in the marriage).  I like the fact that this man has self awareness and that he is open and honest about it with you.  I have had episodic depression, though this last bout has lasted a long time.  I couldn't really give you advice on what it would be like to be chronically depressed, but I go through something similar to him: I stay home and let things go.  If you have a good feeling about him, I would say, go for it with your eyes open.  If something doesn't set well with you, talk to him about it and see if he is open to it.  If he lashes out at you...that will give you something to think about..if he is open to discussing and not blaming...sounds promising.

[Everrgreen]

Well I've decided that I would like to try dating.  And I've signed up with an online dating site.  I have 2 guys I'm communicating with right now.  I'm pretty excited about both of them but we will see where it goes.  It's a start for me and is already making me feel like I am ready for this.

Isamama - I'm brand new to online dating but my plan is that after a few messages back and forth if it looks good then I would like to meet them in person.  I need that face to face conservation to tell if it's worth pursuing further.  I would definitely choose some place public and something like coffee (that way if I'm not impressed I'm not stuck with them for an entire dinner out or other long date :P )  Oh and I won't give them my phone number until I've met in person and want to plan a second date.  It's too easy to look up someone's address once you have their phone number and I'm not much of a phone person so I wouldn't want them to call to chat before the date that would be very uncomfortable for me. 

And for your other question, for me personally I don't really care either way.  It doesn't bother me at all to pay for myself but if the guy insists that he pays I'm not going to argue. And I totally understand the worries about all the 'practical' aspects of dating.  I have NEVER dated!  My stbx and I started out in high school and were friends first then just gradually become more than friends.  So I have no experience with real dating in the adult world.  I'm so nervous about it!

[haydn'smommy]

Things are still good with the fireman. He's a sweet man. Just a good heart. I'm scared of it, scared of falling for him, scared of being hurt, scared to let my guard down for even a second, scared of letting him be so sweet to me. His life is complicated. I know there is little room in it for me right now, and I think that's good. I don't want to rush the emotional part of things. I've rushed through this dating thing too many times and flung myself into "in love" only to have it backfire. I'd like to take it slow and easy and if "in love" happens then it happens.

All that said, he is the king of mixed signals. He gives me the "relationship disclaimer" every time we talk. It's always some version of "My life is complicated. I just don't want a serious relationship right now." Which, I'm okay with. I don't want one either. But, then he says things like, "If things work out for us, we can tell our grandchildren..." and "I told my Captain that I was texting my girl..."

So, that's where I'm at. Confused and nervous but excited.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by haydn'smommy 

Things are still good with the fireman. He's a sweet man. Just a good heart. I'm scared of it, scared of falling for him, scared of being hurt, scared to let my guard down for even a second, scared of letting him be so sweet to me. His life is complicated. I know there is little room in it for me right now, and I think that's good. I don't want to rush the emotional part of things. I've rushed through this dating thing too many times and flung myself into "in love" only to have it backfire. I'd like to take it slow and easy and if "in love" happens then it happens.

All that said, he is the king of mixed signals. He gives me the "relationship disclaimer" every time we talk. It's always some version of "My life is complicated. I just don't want a serious relationship right now." Which, I'm okay with. I don't want one either. But, then he says things like, "If things work out for us, we can tell our grandchildren..." and "I told my Captain that I was texting my girl..."

So, that's where I'm at. Confused and nervous but excited.

 Bolding mine.... I'm so sorry hon, if this is way out of line... but if someone I had basically just started to get to know said that to me, I'd be SERIOUSLY creeped out!  It's actually also listed as a red flag to watch for in several of my abuse books and how to spot early flags in the new relationship.

I'm not saying he is abusive or anything like that!  But that line just totally jumped out at me, because I think, you've only known him not even a month yet?  And he's causually mentioning grandkids?  Along with the mixed messages...

I don't know... it gave me a creeped out vibe.  I'm sorry if I'm over stepping saying something, but honestly, I pray to God that if any signals in my relationship jump out to someone, I pray they tell me.  I can't go through hell again... I can't.  So that's the thought process I'm coming from.  :hug

Things are still going great with Tech Guy!  He is so incredibly respectful and supportive.  I've never had a relationship built on total mutual respect like this... it's so awesome!  :)  I was having a stressed out Mama moment last night and called him, and he instantly got me to laugh and I was able to tackle the rest of the night.  He thinks my kids are adorable, and he thinks I'm a strong Mama and he tells me how much he admires my strength and how I'm handling everything going on right now.  Unlike past people who would freak out at seeing me stand independtly and work to knock me down.  I'm so glad he isn't intimidated by me being my own person.  It's a very cozy feeling.  :)

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

Originally Posted by haydn'smommy 

Things are still good with the fireman. He's a sweet man. Just a good heart. I'm scared of it, scared of falling for him, scared of being hurt, scared to let my guard down for even a second, scared of letting him be so sweet to me. His life is complicated. I know there is little room in it for me right now, and I think that's good. I don't want to rush the emotional part of things. I've rushed through this dating thing too many times and flung myself into "in love" only to have it backfire. I'd like to take it slow and easy and if "in love" happens then it happens.

All that said, he is the king of mixed signals. He gives me the "relationship disclaimer" every time we talk. It's always some version of "My life is complicated. I just don't want a serious relationship right now." Which, I'm okay with. I don't want one either. But, then he says things like, "If things work out for us, we can tell our grandchildren..." and "I told my Captain that I was texting my girl..."

So, that's where I'm at. Confused and nervous but excited.

 <snip> if someone I had basically just started to get to know said that to me, I'd be SERIOUSLY creeped out!  It's actually also listed as a red flag to watch for in several of my abuse books and how to spot early flags in the new relationship.

 

Yup, PM is right.  Keep an eye out for other red flags.  Men doing the wishy washy, "I don't want a relationship" / "If we have grandkids we can tell them...." really plays into the way women think, being nostalgic, and keeps us interested in a way.  Check out "Why does he DO that" by lundy bancroft if you want to read up on red flags.  I'm sure there are other books out there, but this one really showed me what to look for (in light of my previous relationship), and and why to look for it - b/c the what isn't as important as the WHY.

[Devaya]

Haydn's mommy, I can relate to the mixed signals thing, and I agree it's worth looking out for other red flags. The guy I've been dating for 6 weeks now, Life Coach Guy (LCG), does a bit of that, though not quite so extreme. I could do with some advice! For example he has given a few speeches about how he wants to take things slowly and doesn't want to get serious too fast (which is kind of healthy I guess!), but then he has just planned out from here to the end of April together - weekends and a few weeknights as well (when my son is at his dads) - all totally his initiative, I would've just taken it week by week. So to me, foreseeing us still being together 3.5 months down the line would indicate that this is a relationship - yet I still feel I can't call it that, couldn't call him my 'boyfriend', and wouldn't feel able to change my Facebook status (LOL). I feel like he is not announcing me to anyone either, from what I've seen on his Facebook and from how he behaved when his friends were around us. He has tons of female friends and is very affectionate with them all (his kind of crowd are all very huggy, male or female), so it could easily look to everyone like I'm just another female friend having a cuddle... which bothers me for some reason even though I know its silly. This weekend will be a test - I am going up to visit him (he visited me last week and it was nice but too rushed, we both felt abandoned before we even really started), and we will be doing stuff both just the two of us and with some other friends later on...so we'll see. I feel annoyed that it feels kind of 'down to him', I always feel like that with the guy - like the man is the one to define whether this is a relationship or not. 

I don't know, I don't get this whole dating thing.Gillian28, I can relate - I'm so new to it too! I know that I'm the kind of person who knows whether I really click with someone, within a few weeks - and I met LCG in September, so I knew him for a bit before we got together - and I don't see the point in beating around the bush, spending months with a person only to then say 'Actually I don't think I'm that into you'. It just feels like a bit of a waste of time. LCG has been saying 'I adore you' a lot to me. I don't feel as 'potentially in love' with him as I did around New Year, but that could be because we just haven't seen much of each other and I'm possibly being quite guarded. I don't want to be in love, after all, too soon!

Phoenix Mama, that's great news about the Tech Guy - he sounds amazing. So cool to have someone you can just ring up when you're in a not so good state and they are there for you. That's really what I'm looking for - and LCG is like that, he's a great listener and very supportive, but he has a really bad memory so he tends to forget stuff I"ve said - I often find myself repeating myself which annoys me a bit! ANyway...LorenaAZ, re the Professor, I would say hang in there and see how it goes... I have a good friend who's had depression for years and it manifests in the way you said - just avoiding people - but she did also end up being unable to work, and she has had a long term boyfriend all that time. I wouldn't say it's affected their relationship anymore than the usual ups and downs anyone has, but that's just from her side I guess. I also have a friend who was with a guy with depression for years, and it DID really effect things, including sex life massively. I think if you are a sensitive person - sensitive to 'vibes' around you, it could bring you down. But it's early days to tell yet, and I wouldn't write him off if you feel such a good connection. Good luck!

[Butterflymom]

Can I join the mixed-signals-are-driving-me-psychotic bandwagon?

Cucumber and I have just had our sixth month of him treating me like I am the woman of his life, the love of his life.  Yet, he could not be more clear when it comes to verbal communication that he is not on board with heavy, intense love stuff or relationship stuff.   it's hard to ignore the attentions and the actions/signals when they are practically hourly, though.  And very, very sweet.  I've never had a man dote on me this much and it feels like love.  I'm just going to plow forward.

[haydn'smommy]

I'll keep a watch out, but I think it was an innocent comment. We had just come back from our first real "date" (rather than the just hanging out and talking) and the situation we found ourselves in on the date was pretty hilarious and we were joking about it (the restaurant we went to ended up having some kind of water problem and right in the middle of dinner they started jackhammering the floor in the back. He was pretty dang embarrassed and it was just overall really hysterical). For me, the mixed signal thing has more to do with the "my girl" kind of comments along with the "I don't want a girlfriend" kind of comments. But, thanks for the heads up so I can be sure to keep my eyes open and my guard up.

[LorenaAZ]

Isamama, I go about it rather quickly.  I'm not one who likes emailing back and forth too much.  Number exchange and coffee or a drink is usually how it goes.  I always offer to pay half, and if the guy insists on paying for everything, that's fine too.    Thanks for the advice.  :)

Professor and I have been seeing each other some.  This is our first week back in school, so it's been rather tiring.  I'm looking forward to the weekend.  We probably won't see each other until next week because I'm going to be busy and I will not have him hang out with me and my daughter yet...although he has inquired about "when he's going to meet her." 

We finally did it and he's amazing.  I really like that he's a little chubby and not super-ultra-athletic-triathlon-so-full-of-himself like all the other guys I've been with.  Makes me feel more at ease and less judged.  He is sooooo sweet and such a cuddler.  We had a conversation over lunch today that left me a bit out of sorts...he has applied for a teaching job for next year here at the university (his contract ends this May) and he said if he doesn't get the job he will move to Washington state (where he has a few jobs in mind).  So now we have that to add to the mix.      *sigh*     I'll just have to take it 1 day at a time and see where this goes.  So far, no signs of depression or gray clouds hanging over us, but it's still way too early.  We shall see.

[doubledutch]

hey ladies!  i haven't kept up with this thread since i'm not in dating mode yet (although i've posted a couple times about crushes and whatnot).  anyway, i just wanted to check in to say i'm going out tonight (with a girlfriend) and i was getting a little squirrely about the possibility of running into various dreamy men that i know.  i decided to google "he's just not that into you" and read a hilarious excerpt.  i've never read the book but seen it recommended here, and it was actually a very good little pep talk.  i thought the idea of the book sounded depressing and stupid, but now i really want to read it!  hopefully it will help prepare me for when i'm ready to join you ladies in this scary dating thing (um and make it not-so-scary).

[not now]

Maybe I should join?

My son's dad and I were broken up but lived under the same roof for a year before I finally moved out in November. So I spent a year with no physical intimacy and by the time I moved out I just wanted sex. Even if it was a no strings attached one time thing, I just needed it. Last month I got what I wanted and it was such a relief. He and I are friends now, no bad feelings, no awkwardness at work. I totally lucked out. 

As for dating...it's been weird. I keep getting approached by guys much younger than me. I'm 30 and I have a 25, 23 and 21 year old wanting to date me (they all thought I was around 25, telling them my actual age didn't change their mind). No men closer to my age or older have approached me. I don't surround myself with younger people, all my friends are within a year or two of my age, I don't know what's going on. I recently joked to my friend "It's raining men. Well, boys." All three of them are nice, good looking guys but the 21 year old is the only one with his crap together. He's a sweetheart but I just can't go there. So I'll just stay single until someone a little closer to my age comes around.

[DeerMother]

My resolution was to see things for what the really are, to actually hear what a man is saying, not translate it into my hopeful fantasy. This will be great for the long term, but for now, hearing the nurse say things like, "I still feel like a kid", "I have a lot I want to do for myself", "I'm a loner", "I just want to have fun and not put labels on this", ack! I cried last night. I'm too old to be a fwb and I deserve a label of girlfriend if I'm acting like one and even if it is just temporary, I expect commitment from the person I'm hanging out with and thinking about.

So what to do now?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by DeerMother 

My resolution was to see things for what the really are, to actually hear what a man is saying, not translate it into my hopeful fantasy. This will be great for the long term, but for now, hearing the nurse say things like, "I still feel like a kid", "I have a lot I want to do for myself", "I'm a loner", "I just want to have fun and not put labels on this", ack! I cried last night. I'm too old to be a fwb and I deserve a label of girlfriend if I'm acting like one and even if it is just temporary, I expect commitment from the person I'm hanging out with and thinking about.

So what to do now?

I'm so sorry.  Hearing things for what they are is great, but the downside is that we have to face the facts, and sometimes they're hard to face!!

Don't sell yourself short.  If you don't want to be a fwb, don't be.  You are worth more than that.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

hey ladies!  i haven't kept up with this thread since i'm not in dating mode yet (although i've posted a couple times about crushes and whatnot).  anyway, i just wanted to check in to say i'm going out tonight (with a girlfriend) and i was getting a little squirrely about the possibility of running into various dreamy men that i know.  i decided to google "he's just not that into you" and read a hilarious excerpt.  i've never read the book but seen it recommended here, and it was actually a very good little pep talk.  i thought the idea of the book sounded depressing and stupid, but now i really want to read it!  hopefully it will help prepare me for when i'm ready to join you ladies in this scary dating thing (um and make it not-so-scary).

The movie is pretty good too.  I loved it.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by DeerMother 

My resolution was to see things for what the really are, to actually hear what a man is saying, not translate it into my hopeful fantasy. This will be great for the long term, but for now, hearing the nurse say things like, "I still feel like a kid", "I have a lot I want to do for myself", "I'm a loner", "I just want to have fun and not put labels on this", ack! I cried last night. I'm too old to be a fwb and I deserve a label of girlfriend if I'm acting like one and even if it is just temporary, I expect commitment from the person I'm hanging out with and thinking about.

So what to do now?

I'm so sorry.  Hearing things for what they are is great, but the downside is that we have to face the facts, and sometimes they're hard to face!!

Don't sell yourself short.  If you don't want to be a fwb, don't be.  You are worth more than that.

Ditto!  I'm so sorry hon!  *hugs*  That sucks.  :(  But maybe that just means that there is someone even more awesome out there for you yet?  :)

[Butterflymom]

Bolding/Underline mine!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeerMother 
 I'm too old to be a fwb and I deserve a label of girlfriend if I'm acting like one and even if it is just temporary, I expect commitment from the person I'm hanging out with and thinking about.

 

   That is very well & concisely stated.  I think I need to repeat this to myself in the mirror over and over again.  I think it's actually draining my self-worth one little tiny iota at a time, and making my heart ache (at least a little bit, somewhere in the background, if I let myself stop, pay attention, drop the denial and feel it)   I think clinging to the positive side of a man's mixed signals is some symptom or expression of inadequate self-esteem and my new year's dating resolution for 2011 is to f'ing kick that pattern/habit to the curb!!!   

Either I wanna spend my time and energy on a man who is good enough to want a meaningful, bona fide relationship with (and, obviously, a man who wants one with me), at least for awhile, or then I want to read more books, work harder on my business, spend more time writing in my journal, or something..... until a fabulous candidate comes along.

It just seems like fabulous candidates are so terribly scarce.    Hence the tendency to settle, when the situation seems to offer almost what I'm looking for.

[DeerMother]

Butterfly, I'll kick the habit with you! It's going to be tricky.

And I totally get the spending time on other things - Preparing myself to be ready for the wonderful man I deserve and not settling on someone who isn't ready to reciprocate.

[AttunedMama]

I'm in an undergrad program, and if there's ONE thing that I'm getting out of this, it's to grade things.

Right now I have a suitor who sends me these notes that he thinks are probably B+ or A- quality, but they're really more like 'C'. I like him, I want some grown-up action with him, but the whole has an undeniable air of mediocrity to it when I look at it and say that I am willing to grade things.

[zeta zeta]

First off, I am the same Zeta that has sometimes posted here in the past, only I have lost the email account it referenced, so when I forgot my password, I was locked out.So I have not posted for a couple months.  Reading this board today I just could not resist re-joining so I could post my enthusiastic support for what you guys are saying! I am exactly where you guys are.  Based on someone's recent post about finding a really good quote from "He's just not that into you" online, I found it too and really need to read it every day and possibly commit it to memory!  It's so funny to see my own very unique complicated dramatic situations with two guys reduced down to a formula that totally NAILS ME!  LOL

So I am struggling with being alone/ lonely, but really VOWING to hold out, to be willing to be alone and NOT SETTLE.  That means not going out with someone I think is "good" (as opposed to amazing!) and not going out with someone who does not fully honor me. 

The guy I had been dating over the summer, with so much sparks, who broke my heart in Sept, he asked me out again a couple weeks ago.  To his credit, he did not make any moves on me, and it was just a matter of enjoying each other's company.  But the He's just not that into you thing was like, DO NOT BE FLATTERED THAT HE MISSES YOU.  Etc.  Yeah, it is what it is. He misses me but he is also choosing every day not to be my boyfriend, so I need to just let that one really go.

The guy I rebounded with this fall, I will leave him alone too.  Those who said above they should be given the label girlfriend even if it's temporary, my fall guy did do that, but it still FELT like fwb, so I learned that the label alone is useless. I thought it would help, but it just seemed out of place.

I really am not good at separating DTD with feelings, and I need to honor that part of me- I'm open hearted, and that's a good thing.  In the meantime, when I feel lonely, I am trying to just notice that feeling, give myself compassion, think of all of the other people feeling that same ache- and send the wish for relief out to them, and also remind myself that having a partner (or whatever outside thing) cannot really give me happiness, only positive living can, and I try to really take care of myself and fill my life with true goodness. When I am feeling strong on my own and really rooted in abundance I will be in a better position to be a true partner to someone anyway.  If I am seeking a partner out of loneliness, then that's some kind of crutch (?) so I need to learn to stand more on my own two feet, and soak up the love that is all around me.  That's how I'm trying to work with it anyway.

[Rosehip]

Hi ladies!  I'm back here for some inspiration.  I started dating a year and a half ago, and I am literally just striking out.  The ONLY guy I got excited about was the very first guy I met, who literally took a job offer 1,300 miles away after our second date.  Since then it's been a string of middling to terrible first dates, and a handful of unimpressive second dates that didn't go anywhere.  I know my standards are high, but I'm not willing to compromise on several things (gainfully employed, educated/curious, kind, sociable, kid friendly are the main things).  So, I've just been striking out. 

Add to that, I work nights, my friends are pretty much all married, my kids & I live w/my parents & I meet very few eligible men at work...

I've done internet dating (okcupid, plenty of fish, match) & been to a mixer @ my university alumni club.  I'm also at an awkward age - in my mid-thirties, w/young children.  Virtually everyone in that demographic where I live, in my broader social group, is only maybe 5 years into their first marriage and still in, or recently out of baby making mode.  Cynical perhaps, but I have to wait a few more years until people start splitting up.

The majority of my friends are SAHMs, and I've not gotten a single set-up from them...

I'm at my wit's end.  I really, really would like to have a relationship...any thoughts or suggestions??