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January Dating Thread - Page 5

post #81 of 105

Well, I'm in the same boat, LorenaAZ. I talked to fireman off and on all day yesterday (like every day for the last couple of months) and he was saying things like,"I miss you. I want so bad to see you." Then last night he texts me about some major drama with his ex. Then this morning he tells me that he just needs to work things out in his life. He says that things are overwhelming in his life right now and he just feels like he needs to shut out the world and get things together in his life. He says it could be a couple of days, a couple of weeks or a couple of months. He told me he didn't want me to be angry if he didn't talk to me for awhile and that I didn't do anything wrong.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed and hurt. It's the complete 180 that he did, not to mention ending the phone call this morning with "I'll holler at you later." I just figure that if it's meant to be, he'll miss me and come back. My life will certainly be more quiet without him texting me 50 times/day.

post #82 of 105

What is with these 180-degree men??? I do not get it!  It seems like "He's just not that into you" but a version in which they were really good at turning on the charm and enjoying the good parts until they are suddenly done??

post #83 of 105

I just hate what happened with fireman, but I knew his complicated situation going into it. I'm not too surprised. I do hope that he gets his crap taken care of and looks me up again cause I think we could have had something pretty awesome together, but I'm okay if that doesn't happen. I was already talking to another guy, D, and I'm going to see where things go with him and spend time with my girl friends and my babies and enjoy my single life. I deleted all of fireman's info from my phone so there's no temptation to call or text him and I deleted all his pics so that I don't torture myself with them. I'm moving on.

post #84 of 105

Well, I was letting Troll talk to me again. I knew better. I always know better. But it was, of course, convoluted and intoxicating. He's still a Troll. If he's middle-age and still a troll, there's no point in thinking that will change, so I'm moving on. I explained his profound inadequacies to a girlfriend, and she expressed incredulity that I'll ever meet someone who represents my standards. It was cool b/c I could honestly say, "I don't really care, I'm not settling!"

 

ETA: What I really got on to say was 'Thanks' to those who mentioned He's Just Not....

 

I watched it last night and it was helpful.

post #85 of 105

Yeah....these 180* men......so conniving and good with their scripts.  I just figured he found another silly girl who believes his staged acts and I became another notch on his belt (the old cow hypothesis - has anyone seen that movie?).  Serves to teach me a lesson. 

 

The dinner party last night was lovely.  After that I went over to cyclist's house for some hot tea and conversation.  [Cyclist has kinda become a fwb, which came in handy when professor broadcasted his news to me.]  And then I came home to my comfy bed and cuddled with my puppy (my lo stays at her dad's fri nights).  This morning I met up with a classmate "bluegrass" at a coffee shop and then we went for a long walk downtown to shoot some photos.  It was nice, I got to walk my puppy and take some pics with nice company (heehee, and he carried the equipment).  So...no new guys, no new dates, still not 100% over professor, but time will take care of that for me.  :)

 

I have a lot of work due in the upcoming months related to my research at the university so I'm going to try and focus on that.   

 

I'm really glad to read that this 180* phenomenon is not an isolated incident that only happened to me.  I was really doubting myself (what did I do wrong type of thoughts) and it's reassuring to know that it's just another bad flavor from the mixed box of chocolates.

post #86 of 105

OK, so now I'm confused mightily. Fireman just texted me. "Thank you for understanding that I need some time. I hope I can get all this over with soon." (meaning the situation with his ex) I sent back, "I understand. I respect your need for time and space. If you decide you want me and have some place in your life for me, let me know." And he responds with, "Oh Jaime, you're still in my life. I just don't want my problems with her to affect you and me." GAH! So, whatever. I care about him. I want to be with him. But, I'm not putting my life on hold. If I'm still available when he gets his crap worked out, maybe we'll have a chance.

post #87 of 105

I just got dropped like a bad habit. gloomy.gif

 

Hopefully Sex and The City Season Five (Carrie's single year), chocolate and knitting can fix this.

post #88 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever.

A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch.

A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him.

Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before.


RUN AWAY from this guy!  Seriously!  He's trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

post #89 of 105

he was the bad habit.  i'll keep you company. we're worth more than mediocre boys.

post #90 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeerMother View Post

I just got dropped like a bad habit. gloomy.gif

 

Hopefully Sex and The City Season Five (Carrie's single year), chocolate and knitting can fix this.



I think the combination of chocolate, sex and the city and knitting should be able to make you feel a little better   HUGS!!!!

post #91 of 105

DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?

post #92 of 105


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


No, I do not think you're 'way off' with regards to what to desire or expect from a relationship. Not one bit.

 

That said, I've recently resolved not to bother with this sort of mental gymnastics anymore. If a guy is telling me (by his behaviours)  that he's not really wanting to check-in, then he doesn't. I'm going to believe him and not only not SEEM clingy, but not BE clingy. If what he has to offer, organically, is not what I need, I'm moving on. To do otherwise just sets up for resentments later, IME.

 

I don't doubt there are people who, upon being asked for more communication, would cheerfully say 'Oh, OK, sounds good!' and follow through with an open heart.....I just haven't dated them. The situation you describe has always resulted in ample hurt feelings in my little world, so I earnestly force myself to recognize and own it straightaway and keep on sailing, rather than getting bogged down.

 

Good luck!

post #93 of 105

Devaya, I would put in an exception for travel, at which time I can be totally absorbed and have difficulty communicating with those at home.  When not traveling, i personally prefer daily, even if short.

post #94 of 105

Attuned Mama, if you have any tips on how to NOT do the mental gymnastics anymore, I'd love to hear them! I think, Zeta Zeta, that you have a point with the travel stuff, because he did end up calling me last night (quite late, on his way back) as soon as his other obligations were over, and that to me indicated a willingness to be in touch. From what he described of the last few days it sounded nonstop, and he was travelling, so I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. However I am going to mention, just to keep our communication open and honest and not let resentments fester, that it's important to me to have regular communication and that I felt myself start to shut down the last few days when he wasn't in touch. We soon have 5 weeks apart (in March), two of which we will not be able to communicate at all b/c he's on retreat, and for us to get thru that we need to be solid - and for me, that involves feeling connected. I'm fully prepared that when I share this with him, he may still be unable to give me the amount of communication I need, but at least I will have said it. I noticed last night the whole conversation I felt this background anger that was causing me to feel disconnected from him, and I think if I speak my mind that will be relieved.

post #95 of 105


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


No, I do not think you're 'way off' with regards to what to desire or expect from a relationship. Not one bit.

 

That said, I've recently resolved not to bother with this sort of mental gymnastics anymore. If a guy is telling me (by his behaviours)  that he's not really wanting to check-in, then he doesn't. I'm going to believe him and not only not SEEM clingy, but not BE clingy. If what he has to offer, organically, is not what I need, I'm moving on. To do otherwise just sets up for resentments later, IME.

 

I don't doubt there are people who, upon being asked for more communication, would cheerfully say 'Oh, OK, sounds good!' and follow through with an open heart.....I just haven't dated them. The situation you describe has always resulted in ample hurt feelings in my little world, so I earnestly force myself to recognize and own it straightaway and keep on sailing, rather than getting bogged down.

 

Good luck!



AttunedMama, I have had similar experiences.  I think I'm getting to the point where I'm trying not to think too much ("trying" key word).  But I have noticed that with the 'right' guy, I don't need to communicate via phone/email/text/person every day in order to feel connected the next time we meet up.  This was something I went through with Professor; we had to work hard on reconnecting at times, when we hadn't seen each other for a few days, and it got to the point where it felt like it was too much work.  I think that might have been where his "we just don't click" statement came from.  We had lots in common, but the connection was kind of a chore sometimes.  On the other hand, I have bronchitis/pneumonia, and I called Cyclist the other day to ask if he could bring me some hot thai soup.  We hadn't seen each other in weeks and we got along as if we had spent the last 3 years together - instant & effortless connection. 

 

By the same token, Devaya, I don't think what you want is unreasonable.  Your needs should be met.  It just depends on what kind of guy LCG really is and what he really meant about his "single mom, serious relationship" comment.   I wish you 2 the best! 

post #96 of 105


Hhmm, interesting about the Professor, LorenaAZ, thanks for sharing that... I guess I have nothing to compare LCG to in terms of 'speed of connection after time apart' b/c I've never dated someone that I didn't see two to three times a week...never had a long distance relationship before...and everyone I know who's had long distance relats has worked hard at it and usually talked at length each day on the phone. Maybe I'm just impatient. I want to know if this is going somewhere or not, and it's like I don't want to invest a lot of months of my life on someone when it isn't actually going to go anywhere. To me, the only way of knowing if it's going somewhere is to really get to know each other, invest that time in the beginning and then you see each other for your 'true colours' so that you can make a real decision about whether it's worth pursuing. Otherwise, to me, it's just drawing it out. It's reassuring to hear from you and Attuned Mama that my expectations aren't unreasonable. Really a relief! I will play it by ear tomorrow night and see how things go with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LorenaAZ View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


No, I do not think you're 'way off' with regards to what to desire or expect from a relationship. Not one bit.

 

That said, I've recently resolved not to bother with this sort of mental gymnastics anymore. If a guy is telling me (by his behaviours)  that he's not really wanting to check-in, then he doesn't. I'm going to believe him and not only not SEEM clingy, but not BE clingy. If what he has to offer, organically, is not what I need, I'm moving on. To do otherwise just sets up for resentments later, IME.

 

I don't doubt there are people who, upon being asked for more communication, would cheerfully say 'Oh, OK, sounds good!' and follow through with an open heart.....I just haven't dated them. The situation you describe has always resulted in ample hurt feelings in my little world, so I earnestly force myself to recognize and own it straightaway and keep on sailing, rather than getting bogged down.

 

Good luck!



AttunedMama, I have had similar experiences.  I think I'm getting to the point where I'm trying not to think too much ("trying" key word).  But I have noticed that with the 'right' guy, I don't need to communicate via phone/email/text/person every day in order to feel connected the next time we meet up.  This was something I went through with Professor; we had to work hard on reconnecting at times, when we hadn't seen each other for a few days, and it got to the point where it felt like it was too much work.  I think that might have been where his "we just don't click" statement came from.  We had lots in common, but the connection was kind of a chore sometimes.  On the other hand, I have bronchitis/pneumonia, and I called Cyclist the other day to ask if he could bring me some hot thai soup.  We hadn't seen each other in weeks and we got along as if we had spent the last 3 years together - instant & effortless connection. 

 

By the same token, Devaya, I don't think what you want is unreasonable.  Your needs should be met.  It just depends on what kind of guy LCG really is and what he really meant about his "single mom, serious relationship" comment.   I wish you 2 the best! 

post #97 of 105


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

Attuned Mama, if you have any tips on how to NOT do the mental gymnastics anymore, I'd love to hear them! 

 

Ok. Here goes.

I'm recently coming off of the biggest heartbreak/disappointment that I'm likely to experience in this lifetime. And what I've learned over the months is that Faking It IS Making it. I've had to train my game to create a new reality that is now true(although still a bit fragile).

 

With my Troll, he would say things that were way over the top and it was getting me all wired funny. Promising me marriages/babies I hadn't asked for, but actually wanted, with woefully inadequate or no follow-through on his part. It was a great big mess, I got baited HARD. It triggered all kinds of unmet needs that I didn't know that I had, and that was something of a complicated blessing. No doubt, I'm tougher and less naive now, and fully aware that I can go forever without a relationship if it comes down to that.

 

So. I had to do some important things. I had to choose to hold on to a cycle of written communication between us, rather than always deleting it every time one of us dumped the other. With that tool, I was able to use my mad liberal arts skills to seriously disable/deconstruct what was going on. Second, I had to dump him even though he was still tempting to me. I had to face my gods and really come to peace with some values that are more 'traditional' than I had previously practiced, but were my new reality. Mostly sexual stuff here, making the choice to tough it out on my own rather than acquiesce to his tempting, controlling demands. I watched conservative religious messages about the sanctity of my sexuality, and adapted them to my own spiritual faith. It was awesome, I felt like a total magical alchemist shaman over that one.

 

And I did it! There were times when I was SOOOOO lonely. I did it anyway, knowing that going down his crazy path would also make me crazy. Obviously, this particular relationship was saturated with emotional abuse on his end(I could go on, and you'd doubtlessly roll your eyes and lose respect for me). The fact that I put up with as much as I did showed me how many unhealed wounds I was still carrying. But my condensed advice is:

 

Watch He's Just Not That Into You, even though the characters are often shallow and alienating in their privilege, it has a lot of straightforward, honest advice. I usually can't stand films 'like this', but I would watch this one twice. 

 

If you're finding that you try to fit the Square Peg into the Round Hole, get some counseling. Talk it through with a detached pro who can help you see WHY you, specifically, are trying to make lemons into lemonade without any sugar, or ice cubes, or straws, or glasses or a spoon.

 

Actively get/keep the rest of your life very full and interesting. I went back to school (not because of him, just because it was time), and seeing the first report card full of A's was pretty good. Then when Troll jumped on my bridge the next time, and still a tired-a@@ Troll with no accomplishments to show for himself, the shift was different. In my head was all like 'I can't believe this guy is even talking to me, I'm AttunedMama and I'm on the Dean's List while raising kids! Why don't I go ahead and really seriously dump him, like bridge burning and all' instead of my previous 'Well, I'm no better than any other of gods' people, life is hard, I'll have some empathy for this guy and listen to him bellyache like I'm some kind of free therapist'. Now it was like 'I can't believe I'm considering letting this guy distract me any further. Oh wait, I'm not really even considering it. Poof, be gone'.

 

Have a way to manage the 'adult' side of things. This is obviously tuned to your own personal needs. Maybe explore on your own a little new thing or two?

 

I don't know if any of this is relevant to you, Devaya, but maybe someone else can get a spark from it.

 

And oh yeah, reading and then starting to post in this forum is helpful as well. It's a great intersection of my maternal and personal needs, which add a whole new angle on the dating stuff. Troll didn't have a clue how serious it is to date a Mama, and seeing other Mamas here who get that w/o explanation gave me a lot of boost in a time in which I was very very vulnerable and dangerously close to getting stupid-hurt, or just wasting time. I can honestly say that I've rebuilt missing parts of my foundation, and while Troll was my catalyst, he can still bugger off, because he's a scumbag predator UAV. I would not be likely to tolerate crap again, because now I truly understand what I only previously knew intellectually: Being on your own is truly FUN and cool, and a relationship can round that out if it's not complicated and difficult. Maybe. But not with someone who's not calling you and really showing their a@@. Watch 'Casablanca' to see a complicated situation in which the female protagonist is seriously getting her heart stomped and its nobody's fault, and ask if you're willing to settle for less than a man who would let you go gracefully because it's the right thing to do, even though he's going to suffer for a very, very long time and could totally get what he wants and not even be likely to be blamed for it later on.

 

Ok, I'll stop now. Best wishes to all of us.

 


 

post #98 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

 

If you're finding that you try to fit the Square Peg into the Round Hole, get some counseling. Talk it through with a detached pro who can help you see WHY you, specifically, are trying to make lemons into lemonade without any sugar, or ice cubes, or straws, or glasses or a spoon.


I freaking LOVE this line! Thanx for sharing your lessons!

 

btw, if anyone would like to read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", I have a copy that I'd love to gift to another momma. PM me if you want it!

post #99 of 105

Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

post #100 of 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

 

You need someone who isn't afraid of commitment.  I think you're trying to "talk yourself into" this guy.  I also find odd that you are afraid of this particular thing - dragging committment out of him.  If he's ready to commit, he will.  If he's not, he won't.  I don't think he's ready, and I think you're looking for someone who is.  Don't settle.

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