sigh..another blow...

[leilamom]

So, I found out via Facebook a few weeks ago that my brother's wife is pregnant with her 7th child.  No personal message, no phone call, no anything...Now, I find out today she's having twins...again via Facebook, no personal message, no phone call... I ended up unfriending her, because I just can't take it.

I'm upset...it hurts that she gets that have all the children in the family and I get none...and to find out this way...it just adds insult to injury. 

My parents yelled at me for being upset and told me "God has a plan for me" which I think it utter crap...yeah...God wants me to suffer like this...I don't get it.

I feel alone...the only person who really gets this and responded how I needed was my best friend...she's pretty good about these things.

I guess I just need to vent...I'm not sure I can be a part of their family anymore, it's just way too painful to see how she parents her children and she just keeps having one after another, after another...

What a great way to start a new year...

[lifeguard]

I'm sorry your family is being so insensitive. That is awful. I know the pain & bitterness that comes with pregnancy news (we ttc for 6 years for ds), as much as you may want to be happy for them. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier for you.

I hope 2011 will bring you to a babe in arms.

[bcblondie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I too know the pain of seeing everyone, including close friends getting pregnant so easily while you can't. Our best friends even had an oopsie while on the pill. They've had their baby and we're still not even pregnant.  I found out via the grapevine when she was 17 weeks!! Our closests freinds! I guess that's why they'd been avoiding us.... But to find out that way really does suck. :( Hugs.

[missme]

Ugh. I'm so sorry that your family is failing to be sensitive to your pain. I always wonder why people don't stop to think about what they would want to hear if they were in my (your) situation. Or do they just not care? Or does it make them uncomfortable, so they cheap out of the issue with platitudes like "God has a plan"? I think it's totally okay to check out of relationships that hurt - and it doesn't need to be dramatic - all relationships have ebb and flow, and if your family is hurting you right now, just distance yourself - hopefully you can rebuild when/if it feels better. Sending you love and hugs. I know how bad it feels. xo

[Vermillion]

I totally understand. People can be horribly insensitive and thoughtless. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it. Though I don't feel like that is an excuse at all to be careless with someone's feelings.

Wishing you wonderful things this year!

[Lillitu]

Sorry you are in pain. Is it possible (I am just speculating here, since I do not know you or your family and how your relationship is) that avoided telling you because they know this could be hurtful? Not saying it was the best way to do it (as you were gonna find out sooner or later anyway) but maybe they just were trying to avoid a hurtful sitation? I dunno. I'm sorry.

[LessTraveledBy]

Hugs!!!

I know what it is like to look at someone and wonder how (and why) they keep having all those kids, even though their parenting is so awful to witness.

About the God comment.... That is cruel, even though I am sure they were trying to be helpful. I think of it as this: There is God's direct will in some situations... you know, where He really takes an action, sometimes even what we'd call miracles. More often, though, He allows things rather than wants them. As in He does not interfere with a miracle but respects the laws of the universe as they are. You know... I don't know why I am not able to have another child and I do believe that God is allowing that to be so, at least for now. I don't know that it was His will, though. Maybe I am affected by some unknown choices of mine or by the women who pollute the water by being on the pill, or by something in the food or air. I don't know. I cannot blame God for the human actions. I can ask for that miracle or for things to work out in my body without one... But I don't agree with the way your folks worded it. It just is not right.. Maybe God is super sad about your sadness...

Announcing anything that big on Facebook is just tacky and cruel. And if they thought at all that you would read, it is also cowardly.

[Rachelette]

I'm sorry you're in pain.  I think often people who haven't dealt with infertility can't (or don't want to) imagine how tiring it is to hope and try and think you are and then get disappointed, to wonder what you're doing wrong and why its not working for you when everyone else has such an easy time.  And its easy to think you'd handle it differently.

We've been TTC for 2 years now, and the last 5 months have been in high gear - with a PCOS diagnosis and Chlomid etc.  Its a whole different world from what most people experience, and often people have no idea how hard it is to go through, so they pull away or try and avoid direct conversations, or offer platitudes like "God has a plan" or "you just need to relax" or  "we had to try for 6 whole months before it happened for us!"  or "Hang in there!  It'll happen when you least expect it."  Its not their fault, they often just want to make you feel better or at least avoid hurting you.  But it ends up feeling very isolating for you and frustrating for them that they can't "fix" your feelings. 

I'm glad you have a best friend to support you, and perhaps taking some time to just feel sad and stay away from all the baby news on your sister-in-law's FB page is a good idea. 

Just reaching out to send a hug and tell you you're not alone.  It happens to all of us who are dealing with infertility.  Wish I had any advice at all to give, but I'm in the weeds on this one myself.  So (((hugs))) and sending you good wishes.

[Rachelette]

Today has been challenging - it feels like the two people I knew who had been struggling with PCOS and have finally gotten pregnant keep complaining about how annoying it is to be pregnant or the mother of a new born.  Seriously? 

And I'm sitting there feeling like "Well, at least you got pregnant."  But yeah.  Lots of tongue biting going on. 

[leilamom]

@Rachelette - I know what you mean.  I had to unfriend my sister-in-law because all she did was complain about how tired she was being pregnant.  I had another friend who complained ALL THE TIME through her ENTIRE pregnancy and first few months of her sons life of every little thing that was bad...  All I could think of was, I would love to have my head in a toilet puking because that would mean there was a baby growing inside me...and I would love to be up all night and not get any sleep, because that means I have a babe in arms who needs me.  I just don't think people get how insensitive they can be...

I am swearing to myself to NEVER complain about pregnancy or being a mom of an infant.  I worked so hard to get there and I won't complain once I am there.

[mrswoodpeka]

Hi all -

Just had to chime in here. I feel the same exact way as so many of you - we have been TTC for a year and I began with 2 of my other friends, both of whom get pregnant right away and are now weeks away from giving birth. One has been wonderful, always asking about how I am doing, checking in on my Dr appointments, even doing research about Clomid/IUI success rates for me. The other however has not once asked about me - and to make matters worse ALL she does is complain about how miserable she is. Shes tired, shes crabby, shes fat, she doesn't like how my lunch smells, an on and on and on. It takes so much to bite my tongue and not scream at her that she should simply be thankful that she is blessed enough to be pregnant! ARGGGGGH!

@Leilamom, I too have promised myself that I will never ever complain once I'm lucky enough to get pregnant... and if one more person tells me to "relax and it will happen" or "just stop stressing about it" or "have you tried...insert stupid suggestion here" i might strangle them.

I hate being so angry but it can get really frustrating sometimes!