Stranger Danger- How to introduce this topic?

[Lilymomma]

Today, while we swam at the YMCA, my almost 4 year old approached and hugged/jumped on and was generally overly friendly with quite a few adult strangers.  She has always been outgoing, but this shocked me today and I am now feeling like I am late on the 'stanger danger' conversations with her. 

What are your best resources for information?

What things have you done with your own kids?

Any advice here??

I feel totally lost- she is my oldest and we haven't had to do this before.  To add, she had ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and SPD (sensory processing disorder)... and so I feel like we need to be extra cautious with sensitive subjects.  She is super literal and sensitive.  I don't want to freak her out so that she is uncomfortable in public and become clingy, but I also want to make sure that we get the point across clearly.

TIA!

[jess152]

I too want to hear what people suggest. My DS (who will be four on Jan 3rd) has been practically raised in our restaurant. He's in daycare, but is at the cafe 2 days a week. He's not shy and will pull up a chair to join a table with children. Many of our regulars have known him since he was born, but he will often pull up a chair and bring a book or toy to people we don't know. It's a small place, so we are confident we can keep an eye on him, and we'll ask "Is it ok if he's here?" or words to that effect.

Yesterday he was standing talking to a man who had just come in and ordered. When I took his meal out, the man told me that DS had mentioned his penis to him! Imagine how horrified I was! The man seemed completely embarassed, I don't think he was a creepy pedophile or anything, just DS saying something totally inappropriate to a stranger. It would have been equally inappropriate to a regular customer, but at least we could share a chuckle and I could get after DS for saying that to Mrs. so and so. But a total stranger! It just gave me the heebie jeebies. I asked DS why he would ever say something like that to someone he didn't know...he didn't know what to say.

[DahliaRW]

With my kids we've talked about how most people are good, but there are a few bad people out there.  They don't have to worry too much because most people are good, but it's important to follow some safety rules to keep them safe from people who are bad.  I talked about how a few people want to take children away from their parents or hurt them.  And that's why... (and then talked about things like not giving out phone numbers/addresses to strangers, why to stay close to mom and dad in public, etc).  I also talked about "safe" people to ask for help if they get lost.  So a mom with children, a policeman, a worker where we are, etc.  I also told them if they get lost that they should not leave the store/park/etc with anyone but me or my husband.  Both my ds's seem to understand this and don't see overly paranoid. 

We've also talked about how parts of our body are private and only for them, no adult is allowed to touch them there, that they don't have to hug/kiss other people, etc.  And that if an adult does touch them in a private area or do anything that makes them uncomfortable, that they need to tell us even if that person says something bad will happen.

[PatioGardener]

My little one is only 8 months old, but I have been reading "protecting the gift" and really like the message it contains.  I'm just not sure how to encourage my child to trust his intuition as he grows, so I'm looking for practical situations/suggestions.

(http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1293932189&sr=1-1)

nak, and subbing

[Marissamom]

for the OP, I don't think it's necessarily a "stranger danger" issue, but time to talk about how we reserve hugs for friends and family, and people are uncomfortable with being hugged by someone they don't know. it sounds like the issue is more about boundaries than safety, since you're nearby and see what's happening, and it's not like she's leaving your sight.

I don't believe in teaching kids that all strangers are dangerous and not to talk to anyone they don't know (if you follow that rule you never get to meet new people), but teaching them not to go with anyone they don't know, and who to talk to if someone is making them uncomfortable. 

[jess152]

Marissa's mom: good point about 'all strangers not being bad'. I think too, the majority of abductions, etc are done by people known by the child and someone they trust, not necessarily strangers.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by PatioGardener 

My little one is only 8 months old, but I have been reading "protecting the gift" and really like the message it contains.  I'm just not sure how to encourage my child to trust his intuition as he grows, so I'm looking for practical situations/suggestions.

(http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1293932189&sr=1-1)

nak, and subbing

I also like the message of that book, especially the part about how it is far better to teach kids to be confident and assertive because the people who are likely to do them harm (almost always not a stranger) target weak children that the abuser knows they can manipulate.  The abuser doesn't want the kid that will speak up and draw attention to the situation.

I don't have any helpful suggestions at this point either as I don't know how to start the process.

[LynnS6]

I never talked about stranger danger with my kids. When kids are 4-5, they don't know who a stranger is anyway. There are all sorts of studies to show that children will willingly go off with sympathetic strangers under the right circumstances. And most molestation is done by someone the child knows. In that way, I think that 'stranger danger' can actually lead parents to a false sense of security. I too like the approach in "Protecting the Gift".

Instead of talking about stranger danger, I've tried to foster my children's ability to say 'no' or to not respond, especially to unwanted contact. One very firm absolute rule is that if you're playing (wrestling, tickling, hugging) and someone says "no", then the touching stops immediately. In fact, I chastised dd for that just yesterday. She was sitting on her brother, and for a while, he was OK with it. Then he wanted it to stop and she wasn't getting off. "When he says "no, get off" YOU GET OFF."

I've never required my children to say hello to strangers or to talk to people they don't know very well. If someone talks to them and they're not comfortable answering, that's OK. We also stress that if someone does something that makes you uncomfortable or upset, that you should talk to mom and dad about it.

Finally, we talk about appropriate touches -- your private parts are private. No one should touch them unless it's your mom and dad helping you get clean/checking for injury or a doctor checking to make sure they're OK, with mom and dad standing right there. Your private parts are the areas that a swimsuit covers.

For the OP, I think the real probably was not 'stranger danger' but that she was being socially inappropriate. We don't hug people we don't know in our culture. I would teach your dd two things (1) that she needs to stay where she can see mom (because if she can see you, you can see her) and (2) she needs to ask whether it's OK to hug or touch someone. Explain that some people don't like to be hugged/jumped on and that she is making people uncomfortable. She needs to stay near me because at age 4, it's my job to keep her safe. Period. I'm much more worried now that ds is 9 because he's at a prime age for molestation. 9 year olds have more freedom. They spend time in other people's houses without their parents.

[TiredX2]

ITA with "Protecting the Gift" as a resource.

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

for the OP, I don't think it's necessarily a "stranger danger" issue, but time to talk about how we reserve hugs for friends and family, and people are uncomfortable with being hugged by someone they don't know. it sounds like the issue is more about boundaries than safety, since you're nearby and see what's happening, and it's not like she's leaving your sight.
I don't believe in teaching kids that all strangers are dangerous and not to talk to anyone they don't know (if you follow that rule you never get to meet new people), but teaching them not to go with anyone they don't know, and who to talk to if someone is making them uncomfortable. 

We are very anti "stranger danger." I would talk more about personal boundries and appropirate behavior with people you don't know well.

[Lilymomma]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I use the term stranger danger for lack of better words- but agreed about talking more surrounding personal boundries and being appropriate.  Thank you for the book recommendations! 

[newsolarmomma2]

Check out Free Range Kids, its a book and a web site. there are some interesting thoughts on this topic. its one of my favorite parenting blogs.

lynn- I agree with yoir post 100%!