Ever since I got sick the Monday before Christmas (Strep Throat) - I've been in a horrible cycle. I was in bed for 2.5 days straight feeling awful - got up and went to the doctor and got a script for amoxicillin. I had so much to do that week and felt like everything was going to fall apart because I was sick. I couldn't bake cookies with my girls, I couldn't even cuddle with them and watch Christmas movies because I didn't want to make them sick. After taking the amox for a day or so - I felt tons better, stayed up all night and finished my holiday decorating. My mom picked up the kids (to bake cookies with them) and I was able to finish Christmas Shopping - but they weren't with me and I wasn't baking with them and I cried the whole time.
I love the holidays and do lots of things with my girls every year and wasn't really able to do much. Christmas was fine - I stayedup all of Christmas eve and christmas day too. So my sleep schedule is off.
My husband's been working crazy hours - like until midnight or later even though his shop closes at 6 - know he's busy.
This week my girls were still on Christmas break and I nearly spent the whole week in bed again - I sleep during the day and wake up around 3 or 5 or yesterday it was 9 and make dinner, but other than that I don't do much with them. I'm up all night eating and watching TV. We did play a game the other night together and we do some Christmas crafts the week of Christmas. I feel like crap. Just crap.
I'm being a bad mom sleeping all day not doing anything with them. My house is a disaster, nothing is getting done and I have no motivation to do anything.
Every year we do a Kid's New Year's Eve party - where we have our friend's kidsover so they can all go out and do snacks and confetti and play games and everything. This year another one of our friends did that I me and DH had nothing to do - he wanted to go out - I don't have any friends to go out with, didn't wanna spend lots of money and had no where to go anyway.
I slept all day. He got home from work 4-ish and took the girls over to the kid party then came back. I was still sleeping and thought he would wake me up for dinner or to go out or whatever. Nothing. I woke up at 10 with the TV on in the living room (super loud) and he's out in his garage. I freaked out because he took the kids away from me and then left me alone on new years. I decided I would get dressed and go spend new years with my girls at the kid party. I tried to start my car and it was dead. This affected me more than it normally would because 10 years ago my ex left me on new year's all alone at home with a 1 year-old a dead phone and a car that didn't run. I left abandoned all over again. (my ex eventually took his life 2 months later)
DH didn't understand why I was upset - yelled at me about the house being a disaster and that I just sleep all day and let the kids run wild - when previously he's been telling me I do a great job and not to worry about it.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. I totally over-whelmed with everything, there's tons of things I can do (sew, craft, computer stuff, clean, organize, etc) I am not motivated to do any of it. I don't *play* with my girls like when they were little - they're 6, 8, and 12. I hate the mom I have become and hate how my life is now. I know it's not good to stay up all night, sleep all day. The other night I feel asleep at 2am and slept until 6pm. I don't if it's the amox making me feel this way or just because there's no school and we don't really have to do anything. I feel like a single mom with DH working all the time and when he's home, he just falls right asleep. Sleep, TV, and food are my drugs, DH's is marijuana - he smokes every day and comes home and passes out - drives me mad. The other night - he choose it over me and always falls asleep outside in his garage after smoking.
I think I'm mainly posting here to vent and get it out - I know it seems like I'm crazy - i probably am - I know I'm not perfect, but I want to be a good mom. I miss the good ole days when my babies needed me, they're not babies anymore and I'm not having anymore and I miss the mom I was - I was such a good mom to babies and toddlers and I am grieving the babies I'm not going to have - I so wanted a big family - lots of babies. I don't know what to do. So I just sit here and watch TV and eat and cry. New Year's Sucks and I'm alone.