help! new baby at home, toddler gone mad--i'm losing it.

[colleentara]

Hi there--

DS #1 is 2 1/2 yrs. old and DS #2 is 2 weeks. My 2 1/2 year old is spirited and strong willed and he's not taking this change well. I thought I did all of the recommended things to prep him...but I can't imagine that anything could really prep him for this.

Since I was about full-term pregnant he has began acting out more-- he now throws tantrums all day. He won't get dressed, change his diaper, get into bed or do anything that DH and I suggest he do. He fights everything! Screaming, hitting, throwing, etc.

I can barely handle it. The worst part is that we have to move in 2 weeks-- another HUGE change--but we don't have any choice in the matter. I've tried all sorts of approaches..

please help me with suggestions on how to best help him (and us) make this transition. How can we make it out of the house when we have to be somewhere? How do I get him out of the dirty diaper? How can I use gentle discipline to deal with these challenges?

I'm worried b/c after the move Dh will start a new job (which is great) and I will be home alone with the 2 boys. I don't know how I'll be able to nurse the baby and deal with the tantrums...yikes. I'm scared that I will completely lose it.

Thanks mamas!

[peainthepod]

Oh, mama, you're in a rough period! I have a two-year-old and my second will be 10 weeks on Monday. The first month or so was a hellish blur as we all tried to adjust to having a new baby in the house. My oldest acted out constantly, especially when I wasn't able to spend enough time one-on-one with him. Add to that the postpartum issues, my milk coming in and my supply adjusting to DD's needs, the sleep deprivation, having to diaper two children instead of one, the endless piles of laundry (we cloth diaper)...ugh, it was awful!

I don't have any great advice for you because it's still a little crazy around here some days, but it's MUCH better than it was just a few weeks ago. I know what helps my oldest is to take at least a few minutes every day away from the baby to read to him, play with him, eat with him...reconnect with him. We cosleep, four of us in the bed, and snuggling with him before his bedtime helps a lot too. Easier said than done with a crying newborn in the house, I know! Having DH hold the baby for a while while I bond with our toddler is a must. And I rely on DH to take over the toddler's bedtime and dinner routine in the evenings. Not only does this give them time to bond, which we feel is very important, but it takes a LOT of pressure off of me and is less likely to result in DS melting down over tiny things because DH can give him his full attention.

You said your husband will be gone during the day soon. Can you arrange for a mother's helper to come just a couple days a week and give you a break for an hour or two? If not, can you find a local moms group and spend time with other women in a similar boat? Having other mamas to lean on really helps. Lower your household standards a bit for now and be gentle with yourself. The bed does not have to be made. The dishes can wait. You are a mom, first and foremost, so let the other stuff slide if you have to.

Most of all, I think it will just take time. The first weeks with a new baby are so, so hard...but it does get easier. This will pass, I promise! Hang in there and good luck with your move!

[colleentara]

Thanks so much for the encouragement! I know that it's got to get better eventually. Last night DS#2 was up fussing a lot of the night with gas and as soon as we got him to sleep DS #1 was up-- ugh.

I'm nervous for the move-- won't be able to afford help, but we will have family in the new town--so I'm hoping they'll have time to help out. I'm imagining myself surrounded by unpacked boxes for months!

[bsaros84]

I am also in your shoes! My DD is about 11 weeks old and my DS is 2.5 yrs old.

The first couple of weeks were SO hard. I cried every day. Now, it's actually a LOT better than it was when I first brought the baby home. You do start to get a handle on things and the kids do start to adjust. My DS is still having some trouble but I feel much more equipped to handle it and help him get through it. The key is to do what you can when you can and try not to worry about anything else. 

I agree that the one on one time is helpful when dealing with jealous toddlers. I've been trying to set aside at least a half an hour out of the day that is devoted just to him. Sometimes it's at bedtime when we read a story together and sometimes it's during the day if the baby is napping. I don't know how much difference it's made as of now, but I'm hoping he'll understand that he is still important. 

My mom says that the transition to two kids is the hardest (she's the mother of three). So this is the hard part. Hang in there, momma! You are not alone!

[chaoticzenmom]

Your at a rough stage (at least that was my experience) in parenting.  When my 2nd child was a week old, I had just finished folding a load of laundry and was feeling pretty happy when my 2yo walked up and knocked over all of the clothes.  I just burst into tears and really felt hopeless.  From that point on, it seemed that they would go through stages where I thought I couldn't handle another day and then switch over to being easy to handle.  Going from one to two was my hardest transition as well.  Adding the 3rd and 4th were nothing compared to the 2nd. 

It did help me some to sit on the floor when I nursed the baby.  That gave my older child more access to me.  Also, I concentrated on giving the older child as much attention as possible when the baby slept.  It also helped to tell my older child "why are you acting like you're 2!?"  That seemed to bring it home to me that he was, in fact, acting his age.  When all else fails, lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes and do some breathing exercises:)  

Do you have any friends who can come over and help you pack?  Maybe someone can come over and take your older child for a walk or to the park?  Maybe you can leave for about an hour each evening (or a few times per week) and regroup? 

Getting out of the house?  I often keep coats in the car and keep socks and shoes next to the door.  Keep a to-go bag packed that has a few necessities...snacks, wipes, diapers, change of clothes, etc. 

Dirty diapers...make it fun and as quick as possible.  Have your older child help...have him grab the diaper and wipes for you and be silly during the change (even if he tries to run away).  Have him throw away the diaper or empty the diaper into the toilet and flush it.  Always show him the poop (gross, I know, but they love to see it.) 

How to handle tantrums...Try to find out what he wants (maybe it's a misunderstanding?)  Sit down on the ground during a tantrum and just wait.  In stores, I'll just stop whatever I'm doing and sit somewhere to regroup...I think "what does he need?  Is he hungry? Tired?"  If it's something he wants, but cannot have,try to give him something else or tell him why he can't have it and what he can have/do instead.  If it's been a rough day of tantrums, I have to go somewhere when my husband gets home.  The sauna is my fav. spot to relax. Second is the library.  One hour out of the house does wonders for my tolerance of tantrums.

I often find that my tantruming (is that a word??) child just wants to engage...so, helping him with a project works well.  Go build some legos for a few minutes or pull a chair up to the kitchen counter so he can "help."

Wear your baby when you can so that you can do some work.  I always found that my babies wrapped tightly would sleep as long as I wore them and I could get a lot done that way.

that's all I've got. 

It won't be this hard forever.

[kindacrunchy]

Wow! This is total deja vu! Big hugs to you! This time was the hardest time of my life. My son was almost three, we moved to a new house, baby brother was born all within a month. My agreeable, easy going child was a monster. Completely out of control. I did lose it. All the time. I had post-partum depression and thyroiditis on top of it all but didn't know it until after the fact.

He is STRESSED!!! New baby, getting ready to move, etc. Feel free to message me if you want to talk with someone who went through similar changes. HInd sight is 20/20 and if I can help someone through this, it gives purpose to what I went through.

[colleentara]

Thanks so much for all of the responses.

I know he's stressed.. :(

he's sleep deprived on top of it all too b/c he's having so much trouble falling asleep, waking up, and not falling asleep during nap time. I think the part that is hardest for me is when he just flat out says 'no' to everything (won't do anything we ask) and also when he kicks, hits, throws, screams, etc. He does these things all day long.

With the dirty diapers--he won't even agree to have them changed, never mind help with grabbing the necessary items (although I did try doing that with him when I change the baby's diaper).