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Discouraged re appearance - Page 3

post #41 of 56

On the superficial level.

 

Regarding curly hair, have you tried the Curl Keeper? http://www.frizzoff.com/Curly-Hair-Institute.aspx I discovered this product about ten years ago and if I wear my hair curly, I do it with this. It's amazing. I also use Moroccan Oil http://www.moroccanoil.com/ It's expensive, but a little goes a long way. I have thick long curly hair and I literally use about a quarter size (at most) dollop through my wet hair. It helps to keep it soft and conditioned. On top of a gentle shampoo, only a couple times a week and good conditioner.

 

I'm on Wellbutrin, it's actually helping me lose weight because in addition to taking my appetite down so I can maintain good portion sizes, it just helps with my motivation. I've also started dancing a bit which has helped keep things going. I've lost 10lbs in about as many weeks, it's a very gradual process, and I'm in a size 16-18, but just the progress feels great.

 

Good underwear is essential. Get something that makes you feel good. Also if you want to hide some muffin top a slimming camisole is great. My friend just turned me onto it. It doesn't make me really look a size thinner or anything, it just diminishes the rolls so I look better in a sweater. Paired with a good bra, I'm pretty happy with my appearance.

 

I know there is always a lot of work to be done on the inside around positive body imagine, but I often find if I feel like I look put together I'm often in a way better mood.

post #42 of 56
hug2.gif I am right there with you! My mother was always drop dead gorgeous. Long blonde perfect hair, big blue eyes, slim nice body. I, on the other hand, had curly, frizzy insane hair that seems to change colors by itself every couple of years (I miss the golden stage, it's now brassy brown), sallow pale skin, a pointy nose, small mouth, thick thighs and waist, I could go on. There is not one single part of myself that I like or am even "ok" with. I used to be ok with my back...because I never saw it! I was constantly compared to my mother growing up. Always inferior. "Are you adopted?". "Your mother is so beautiful". "What happened?" (this one a male friend asked me when he looked at my childhood photos). I want to like myself. I'm sick of hating myself and don't want my kids to inherit my low self-esteem. I never talk down about myself in front of me, like my mother did. She still constantly hates on herself to me which makes me feel worse-if she's so beautiful and I could never compare, then I have to be *really* bad, I tell myself. I try to look nice and even when people do compliment me, it makes me feel worse, like I'm being pitied or they're trying to make me feel better. I don't hunt down compliments as they truly make me feel worse. I try to do positive self-talk and I feel I don't deserve it. Dh or the kids try and take pictures of me and I have panic attacks because I hate how I look. That only makes it worse as then I'm making a really horrible face for the camera. lol.gif

My hair has started falling out and is way less curly and thick because of my hormones but it has a permanent ponytail bump. lol.gif My 6 yo has curly hair and she has some Mixed Chicks shampoo/conditioner that helps a little bit. She and I do not wash our hair but once a week and use deep conditioners. I have some frizz-ease stuff that helps occasionally with the static frizz. Not natural, but none of the "natural" stuff works with my hair! I tried doing no-poo but ended up with lank, greasy Snape hair. Not appealing on my face shape, at the very least.

I have started taking pictures of myself and not really sharing them with anyone just so I can document how I look if my kids want to look back and remember and also so I can practice not making stupid faces for the camera. I have found this helps some. I also bought some nice things that camouflage my 35 lbs. of extra weight from birth that's not shaking off-Majamas shirts with low V necks, Nursing tanks with shelf bras, a pretty Elle Macpherson nursing bra, long slim skirts that don't make me look wider than I am, a nice sweater jacket to wear when it's cold, and some cute undies that make me feel better even if nobody sees them.

I wish I could go on some Extreme Makeover show sometimes or What Not to Wear (I'm even willing to trade in my TInkerbell jammies!). innocent.gif I'll have to check out that website. I doubt I could afford the clothes, though!
post #43 of 56

Well, if you are interested in actually getting different clothes, I recommend a "uniform"--something that you wear every day that you don't have to think about, but that looks good. 

 

THIS website helps people who just have no idea what flatters them: http://www.myshape.com/shop/body-shape

 

For me, I've been wearing "cigarette" jeans--slim leg with an ankle-length cut that oddly lengthens my legs (Audrey Hepburn popularized these?) and a cardigan or blazer. I wear different shirt, often striped, and earrings or a cool necklace. I have some funky socks and I wear ballet flats or I more often wear my tall boots. Every single day. One pair of jeans.

 

 

post #44 of 56

Ok, I'm going to be entirely honest about this. I've become quite unattractive (ugly.)  It does make me sad.  I was never really pretty or cute but my looks were pleasant enough.

 

Now, I'm seriously overweight (my friend is letting me use her gym membership and I start tomorrow), My hair is super frizzy yet thinning on the top, my face is puffy and wrinkled, My eyes are dark and sunken.  My clothes are yucky (but I can't justify spending money, even if I had it, on clothes for myself while I'm so heavy.)

 

I REALLY stand out like a sore thumb in my town.  No, really.  Most of the women in my town are thin (and many anorexic), blonde, perfect makeup and hair, etc.  Appearance is super important in this town.  Sad, but true.  So, it makes me hyper aware of my own looks.

I don't have time to put make up on every morning.  At this point, I don't think make up would help.  

 

Yep, I'm really down on myself.

post #45 of 56

Thank you so much for the link to the website about shapes! I am either an M or whatever an hourglass is. VERY helpful!

 

DaughterofKali, I disagree...even, maybe especially, at the weight you are now, you need to get a few pretty things. hug2.gif

 

Find a few things that will all mix and match, may work with what you already have, and a couple of pretty accessories and perk up your wardrobe. Now.

 

Wear a little make-up. It can take as little as five minutes to add a little blush, lipstick or mascara, but it will give you a small boost.

 

I think sometimes the boost comes from the self-grooming. It FEELS good when we take care of ourselves, when we think we are worth the time it takes to choose, shop or put together a little outfit that makes us feel good. Really. Start small. Little changes really do make a difference.

 

It may sound totally silly, but I have bought myself a few beautiful handbags and I feel like they pull my outfits together, make it all look more polished.

 

I am still looking for a fabulous pair of flats.

 

Good luck!

 

You are worth the effort, the time and the money. It does not have to cost a lot, but if you have the money to spend on yourself, you are worth spending it on!

post #46 of 56

I, personally, like to embrace my ugliness and wear it proudly---well, except I don't post the really ugly photos of myself on facebook, so I guess I'm just pretending.  But one day!

 

I'm starting to think that maybe I just really need to conform to prettiness standards a little more, for the sake of my children or something.  For right now, people think I'm weird, but it's like they almost feel sorry for me, or something.  So I don't have a lot of help.  I keep trying to reframe my thinking around the issue, but the longer I live, the more I think relative values and perception are the things that matter most, since they affect you in the present.

post #47 of 56

I haven't read other responses so sorry if I repeat.  I am a huge believer in moving the body somehow. If you took a simple walk for one week around the block I believe our attitude will start changing about yourself. Nothing huge, just a walk. Do that for a week and then try another week. Be committed to that one thing you do for yourself.  There is something about moving your body and feeling a little bit of pain and knowing that soreness is your muscles working makes one feel better and more beautiful.  You really sound sad right now, but please believe you can shift that sadness by taking charge of your life by doing that one simple thing for yourself. 

post #48 of 56

Oh, I forgot.  My hair is frizzy too due to my age of 47.  I now rub coconut oil in to my hair and it helps with frizziness. Also never rinse hair in hot water.  Try rinsing in the coldest water you can stand. That helps too. 

post #49 of 56

mama when you are surrounded by all that kind of stuff and people - even your BF AND work - how can you not get into that mindset. i mean its a constant reminder ALL the time. that's a pretty hard place to try and 'improve' from. 

 

my mom is classically beautiful. 

 

i have been told - rather constantly told i am attractive. 

 

however when i look in the mirror i see a man's face and wonder what DO people see in me. i dont even look feminine. i dont think i am attractive. in fact i feel i look rather ugly. i have always felt that way and at times i look in the mirror and wonder - what do people see in me. 

 

however one of the things i have realised is that - many, many times its not about looks, but personality. and i think that's what carries me thru. i have received compliments even when i KNOW i am at my worst - because people, esp. men are shocked that i can air my views so easily or not afraid of what people think of me. 

 

one of my favourite persons growing up was my aunt. she wasnt particularly beautiful. she was waaaay overweight. but OMG was she elegant. she was the type that no matter what she wore she would look elegant. so many times she would tell me where she got her outfit (she wore just one style of clothes - NO variation) and it was so unfair because if i shopped from there i'd look like a homeless person. i would so love to have that. 

 

OP you need a vacation. a vacation away from all those people. how can you even think of getting out of that mindset when you are surrounded by so much 'trash'.

 

i hate how i look outside (worse i have a terrible dress sense so i cant buy clothes for myself - i buy what looks great on the hanger but horrible on me - and i cant see how terrible it looks on me. my friends have stopped allowing me to buy clothes for myself. which i am grateful for coz i HATE doing it. i cant decide and then i buy the first thing that fits. once a friend took me shopping and i was EXHAUSTED. seriously exhausted. never am i doing it again. we were at a thrift store.) but i love, love, love who i am on the inside. which is why i can live with my outside and i dont really care about it. 

 

and seriously i dont give 2 hoots about how i look. i would like to look great but i am not interested in putting in the time to do so. i have more important things happening in my life. 

post #50 of 56

i really like the idea of asking one of your supportive, stylish friends to help you figure out what would look good on you.  you/she should start with your existing wardrobe, try everything on, put the stuff that doesn't work aside (don't have to get rid of it yet) - and then assess what is missing from your wardrobe and make a shopping list.  you can use that list to hit up the thrift stores and consignment shops and clearance sales (with your friend!) and have a small wardrobe for not too terribly much money.  but get that awesome-fitting bra first!  :)  fit makes all the difference.  i'm also a 14 and sometimes really lazy about how i dress.  i feel so much better if i style my hair, put on a little make-up, and accessorize.  i can still wear jeans and a t-shirt, but if i have earrings and cute boots on, i feel more put together and more confident.

 

btw, marilyn's "size 14" is nothing like my size 14.  just sayin'.

http://www.whorange.net/whorange/2010/09/size-queens-marilyn-monroe-vs-mamie-van-doren-measurements.html

but that's okay!  i can still look and feel cute.

 

oh and i also love alreadypretty.com to death.

post #51 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
btw, marilyn's "size 14" is nothing like my size 14.  just sayin'.

http://www.whorange.net/whorange/2010/09/size-queens-marilyn-monroe-vs-mamie-van-doren-measurements.html

but that's okay!  i can still look and feel cute.

 

oh and i also love alreadypretty.com to death.

 

Wow, so interesting to see it laid out like that.  To me, Marilyn always looked bigger than a 23 inch waist (really??  That is nearly the size of my 7 year old's waist and she's a bean pole!).
 

post #52 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post


OP you need a vacation. a vacation away from all those people. how can you even think of getting out of that mindset when you are surrounded by so much 'trash'.

 



I really agree with this.  Deep down I am bored (and admittedly confused) by fashion.  I couldn't care less what is "in".  I think the fashion industry is rather shallow and all about consuming more and more (because perfectly good clothes will be out of style next year).  I like simple things, I detest bling, I like casual.  If anyone watches Twilight and knows Bella's style, that is me.  So uncomfortable in fancy dresses or high heels.  Jeans, boots, Birkenstocks, t-shirts...that's me.  redface.gif

 

BUT when everyone surrounding you cares a lot about fashion and wears $250 tops just to do grocery shopping, you start to feel like a big old loser.  Under-dressed.  Unkempt even.  Believe me, I have heard several (otherwise normal) mamas criticize what someone else was wearing to a dinner, etc.  "She looked sloppy" "she doesn't even try" "who dresses like THAT?" etc.  It makes me worry about my appearance and feel self-conscious.  These ladies even have special purses/footwear for going to a movie versus going to dinner.  It is all so confusing to me.  I suppose if I had friends who didn't give a hoot about fashion I'd fit right in, but I haven't found them yet!

post #53 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

 

btw, marilyn's "size 14" is nothing like my size 14.  just sayin'.

http://www.whorange.net/whorange/2010/09/size-queens-marilyn-monroe-vs-mamie-van-doren-measurements.html

but that's okay!  i can still look and feel cute.



Wow - if those measurements are correct, my bicep was two inches bigger than Marilyn's calf when I was still in high school, which was before I got fat.

post #54 of 56
I'm surprised by those measurements. My neck is only usually 11" and calves 12.5-13", and I have the same bust/hip measurements usually, so that's not off to me, but that is a tiny waist!
post #55 of 56


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post


OP you need a vacation. a vacation away from all those people. how can you even think of getting out of that mindset when you are surrounded by so much 'trash'.

 



I really agree with this.  Deep down I am bored (and admittedly confused) by fashion.  I couldn't care less what is "in".  I think the fashion industry is rather shallow and all about consuming more and more (because perfectly good clothes will be out of style next year).  I like simple things, I detest bling, I like casual.  If anyone watches Twilight and knows Bella's style, that is me.  So uncomfortable in fancy dresses or high heels.  Jeans, boots, Birkenstocks, t-shirts...that's me.  redface.gif

 

BUT when everyone surrounding you cares a lot about fashion and wears $250 tops just to do grocery shopping, you start to feel like a big old loser.  Under-dressed.  Unkempt even.  Believe me, I have heard several (otherwise normal) mamas criticize what someone else was wearing to a dinner, etc.  "She looked sloppy" "she doesn't even try" "who dresses like THAT?" etc.  It makes me worry about my appearance and feel self-conscious.  These ladies even have special purses/footwear for going to a movie versus going to dinner.  It is all so confusing to me.  I suppose if I had friends who didn't give a hoot about fashion I'd fit right in, but I haven't found them yet!


What about an approach more like this?

 

http://www.thechicfashionista.com/french-fashion-style-tips.html

 

Not so much about fashion, but about style, your own personal style?

 

Google French style ( not French fashion) and there is a wealth of info out there about buying classics, jazzing it up with accessories, making it work with less clothing and then not having to fuss about what to wear where, etc. You can add one or two "trendy" items to fit in or keep up if you feel you must, but really you may not feel the need to do that.

 

I am really trying to pare my wardrobe down, keep it simple and functional.

 

I have some issus I have to deal with ( no drycleaning ever, no fabrics that smell and set off asthmatic reactions, I'm 4' 11", size 5 shoes, etc.) but even within those parameters I am working towards a more streamlined wardrobe.

 

For some women I think fashion is fun. For some women it's confusing. For some women it's about function over form.

 

I struggle with this, but am slowly putting together a more polished look.

 

I USED to have cute clothes and had a great time putting outfits together, but sometime ago I just got into a jeans and tees rut.

 

I would totally be lost, too, in a subculture that had separate shoes and bags for grocery shopping vs. going to the movies. hug2.gif

 

P.S. There are lots of helpful links just on that site I posted here.

post #56 of 56

ooooooooooh TINY (btw i am 4 11 too but wear a size 9 shoes) i just realised what i have done.

 

sheeeesh. and i didnt even notice this about me till you mentioned french style.

 

so i love ethnic clothes. really i have always admired them. i hate jeans. i love flowy styles with a LOT of colour.

 

and one day at the thrift store i found unbelievable items for less than 3 bucks. come on!!!

 

so now i wear ethnic style clothes. indian. thai. chinese. many countries in africa, central and south america. 

 

ah they are such ice breakers. i always read up on where the clothes are from. at least i research them. because i have people always asking me if i am from that country - or at least it starts a conversation. that is my favourite aspect of wearing ethnic clothes.

 

so while everyone wears autumn colours i am in yellow, purple, red, shocking pink, electric blue. 

 

lots of sarongs with tshirts. or a mix and match of cultures too. 

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