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Fabulous 40++TTC. New Year and New Hopes - Page 2

post #21 of 522
Thread Starter 

 LitMama you are really amazing. Any time I've had any kind of surgery my body and psyche have felt so wounded... I am like a lost and crippled animal or something. And there you are plugging away...


contactmaya you have put in to words remarkably what we all here feel so deeply. I wonder too about all of our reproductive pasts and the choices we've had to make- career/relationship/school/birth control etc. And probably some choices to not continue pregnancies at certain points for some of us. I could mess my head up wondering. I spent 5 years in this relationship positive I was done having kids- I'd thought that since 1991 for gosh sake. Then bammo- epiphany too late. But I am going to hold onto this feeling that I have, there is another child in my life and I will find her. I hope it is a pg for me, but if not it may be adoption. I am on the boards looking for a child in China with club foot. We know how to do club foot in this house... and over there they do not always get the proper care for something so easily fixed. Many families will put their children in orphanages hoping for a better life for their babes if they cannot afford help. I am wondering strongly now if that's my path, if dd2 is my link to my third child.

post #22 of 522

Thank you for the pre-birthday wishes. Contactmaya you put into words something I think about I spent my adult life planning, busy, too busy trying to save other peoples children to make the time to have my own. I feel so fortunate that I got lucky and had my dd so easily but now I want more! I want another baby so badly it hurts. My dd wants a sibling (some days). How could I have been so foolish to not realize my fertility was not going to last forever? I thought I was good until I was 50 but the last three years have proven me wrong on that matter. But I feel so young. I feel 25, why isn't my body cooperating with me? ;) But I feel optimistic I feel like a baby is in my future. If I don't conceive naturally, I will consider options, I'll remortgage my house or something to do it. On one hand I don't want to give up hope on myself but on another hand I feel the need to be realistic and say okay at some point in the future I need to say this is the line in the sand and now it's time to step over it and try this other option. my eggs or donor eggs would be my first choice but probably out of my price range so embryo adoption seems like such a good choice. I like the idea of nurturing the baby from day1, so to speak. I'll know how well it was cared for and loved. I'll be able to nurse the baby. It seems like such a good option and affordable one compared to the other choices. 


But, I an hopelessly optimistic about my chances so I don't know at what point I will be able to draw the line in the sand.  So today I celebrate my life, how rich it is, how lucky I am to have my dd, and I am off to spend an hour with my nordic track and then go swim for 1 hour, in celebration of how strong my body is and how thankful I am for it. And maybe just a little bronx cheer to turning 45 and I can still do these amazing things! 

Edited by Kristin0105 - 1/5/11 at 9:30am
post #23 of 522

Happy Birthday Kristin!!!!!partytime.gif


I love all the musings today.


Welcome, Karolina! It sounds like you had a strong connection to a spirit in your pregnancy. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a strong connection to a spirit--it was like a tangible person's energy--in 2007 when I had a miscarriage. That was a very tough loss. And yet, I had felt that dear spirit so strongly and it seemed that I had a role in giving it the mothering it needed at that little time. So I was also grateful I could be part of that process and that I that connection. I have had many chemical pregnancies and one miscarriage since. Sometimes I feel a spirit and sometimes I don't, rarely as strongly except. One time I felt that same one again. My sense of it is that they can come back but don't always. I do trust that they are on their perfect paths and we play a role in giving them some love and mothering along the way.


Litmama, I'm glad you're on the mend. I know what you mean about how easily hope can sneak in.


AFM, I am so confused. Yesterday and 3 days ago I had intense symptoms, today and 2 days ago not as much (except that my boobs are still clearly bigger, and I guess I'm not too far into today). My temp this morning was 97.9. At 11dpo I don't think that is a pregnancy temperature greensad.gif. I did start taking baby aspirin a few days ago. I wonder if that could effect things? A friend suggested it. Apparently it can help with fertility--helping the blood flow in the uterus. I bounced it off my TCM provider and she liked the idea for me. It is weird to be putting something with a lot of artificial stuff in my body when I am so careful what I put in my body, but I do like that I am trying something new. I'm going to go do some research on how it effects the temperature.

post #24 of 522




  I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. You have no idea how much your post means to me. I feel like  at least one person understands what I feel. I think that is one reason this m/c has been so hard and painful for me, because I don't think anyone really can know what I feel. I see you clearly do.  Thank you.

I felt this baby's connection to me. I was totally caught off guard when I started bleeding. If I dare get so personal here- my history is like this- I have 3 boys, I am a stay at home mom- absolutely LOVE being a mother and staying at home, and I can relate to the earlier musings of how we may have wasted precious fertile years being unsure-- I wish I had started earlier and had more children. I didn't start having kids until 34 and that was an accident (thank god for that "accident"!) Ever since my third was born, I have been craving another one. EVERYONE tries to talk you out of having more or having  a baby in your 40's-- so I rationalized  my desires away- I got rid of all of my baby stuff and thought I was "moving on". But every time I would see a baby or toddler and really connect, I would burst out into tears. I would make sure to never go near a baby because I had such strong emotions. My husband and I don't use birth control, per se, just the pullout method before I've ovulated because we both always felt if it was meant to be and happened that way, it would be fine. Well, in November, while making love, my DH didn't pull out! I quickly let him know I hadn't ovulated and he said "I know. I just know how badly you want another baby, so I thought we'd try for one."   Well, needless to say, he stole my heart again right then and there. So with only one shot, I got pregnant. I just knew it was meant to be and I felt a strong connection with the baby and the love that made this baby the whole time. I just felt with a story like that, it would all be fine. And maybe it will all be fine, and I am just unable to see it for now.


I think you really put my feelings into words, that I had a connection with this baby. So simple and so true but I hadn't seen it that way before now, and of course, it makes total sense. I love the way you see that you mothered and nurtured your little one for the time you had together and that you have helped him/ her on to their right path. Isn't that what mothering is all about? But so hard for me. I thrive on the nurturing, but the letting go is oh so hard.


When I read the posts here, I am overcome with this image:


All of us holding hands in a line, walking forward together to our future, towards what we so deeply desire.


I am really so happy and so relieved to have found all of you.

post #25 of 522

Karalina, that touched my heart so much and got me teary too. I'm so glad my post was supportive, and it is good for me hearing someone else has had a similar experience, too. That loss was also hard because it was really only my loss. Nobody else lost that connection. When my dh and ds were out of the house I would have a good sob to get some of the sadness out. Talking to the baby spirit was also really helpful. We also had a ritual for her. My dh and ds (he was 2 at the time) were involved with that. They did have a loss too, but it was quite different.


That is an amazing story of how your little one was conceived. It just seems clear there was some purpose in that. It does seem like hard as it is something with all that love must be fine in the big picture. My heart goes out to you and I hope before long it all makes sense.


I love the image you have to go with this group.

post #26 of 522

Thanks WaturMama-

We are going to do a ceremony for our little one. We have a rosebush to plant and we will all say something.

Our boys (10, 7, 3 ) think we should try one more time. So I am hoping after this terrible depression and heaviness lifts, I will have the fortitude to try again. I am waiting for my period now-- then we hopefully will ttc.

Good luck this month.

BTW, is there a reference for all the abbreviations? Some are easier than others to figure out!

Love to everyone -----

post #27 of 522

Ladies I know what you mean about regretting the time wasted during our fertile years. Although I do have a large family (and it may appear that I'm being greedy), after my 4th baby my husband had a vasectomy. I was 34 at the time and didn't know I wasn't done. I thought I was. So it was years until I realized that I wanted more babies. When my DH agreed to a vasectomy reversal, I sometimes think he might have done it thinking it wouldn't work. He loves our son very much, but I know he would have just been happy with four. It's hard to not feel regret for so much. I wish I had known when I got married that I would want a large family. We didn't discuss family size at all, but even if we had, I wouldn't have known how important it was to me.


It's also really hard to shake the feeling that I now feel that my family is incomplete.


The loss of fertility is really cruel isn't it? We feel young enough, we take good care of our bodies, but the eggs won't necessarily cooperate!


I hope we can all get our happy ending. I thought mine would happen in July, it is really hard letting it go.

post #28 of 522

It's been quite nice to read all these posts - I impressed and inspired but all the support and warmth shown towards each other. It's so true that community makes all the difference in our lives.


I wanted to check in and say hi. I haven't posted for awhile, but I'm still TTC at age 44. I'm 10 DPO and patiently waiting to see if I get my BFP. I may not try too much longer, I just don't know how old is too old (for me that is). 


Sending all of you good thoughts, positive baby vibes and joy in 2011.

post #29 of 522

Welcome, Karalina, and thank you for your thoughtful and heart-ful post. I'm so sorry for your loss.


Welcome back, Music.mama.pdx!


I really appreciate the conversation that's going on right now. In the same spirit, I just had to share this article with you all. I heard the author speaking on NPR yesterday and was moved to seek out the full article. This is a really amazing, thoughtful, and thought-provoking article written by a mother who used third-party reproduction. Her musings on the value of a family created collaboratively by many people is beautiful and inspiring.


Meet the Twiblings (by Melanie Thernstrom): http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html


Hugs to all!

post #30 of 522

Wow! LitMama-- I just wanted to peruse the article you mentioned above but I have been GLUED to the story for the last 30 minutes and put it on my facebook page and sent it out to everyone I thought would read it on my email. What a wonderful story and wonderful way of looking at life. It makes me want to donate my eggs- but am I too old?  All of the stories of people wanting to conceive and the effort they will put into it makes me definitely want to try once more to concieve myself. I just feel like I couldn't go through another miscarriage- but what is life without risk? and the pay off would be incredible if I didn't miscarry.  I was thinking this morning how I just need to be brave and if things didn't work out, at least I'll have known that I tried, and won't look back at this time with regret. It's all in your outlook and attitude, just like in the article. Gratitude and an open heart- what beautiful things.

Love to all of you.

post #31 of 522

BFN. 12 dpo. Dangdangdang. I had gotten pretty optimistic. My boobs are actually noticeably bigger. How can they be bigger without HCG?! And...I did make myself chuckle a little...you know you are 40+ ttc when you lift up your glasses to make sure you are seeing the pg test properly.


I'm looking forward to reading that article.

post #32 of 522


I never knew how much I would love being a mother, either. I don't think you are greedy- again it's all how you look at it, isn't it? I feel like we have a loving family and would really love another child (all of us would)  and that we can offer that to a little spirit baby. What a wonderful thing to offer. My sister who couldn't have her own kids and miscarried twins, thinks I am being greedy and keeps telling me to be happy for what I have. I AM happy for what I have- so happy that I want more of it. I told my kids the reason I want another is because they are so wonderful and have brought me so much happiness, that I would love to have one more of them.

Maybe if you asked your husband for one last try he would do it. If we go for it- it will be our last try. 

Much love!

post #33 of 522

Since I don't know what the acronyms mean (!) BFN-- is big fat negative??

If so, I'm so sorry WaturMama- you are darling with your glasses comment-hug2.gif

post #34 of 522
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by WaturMama View Post

BFN. 12 dpo. Dangdangdang. I had gotten pretty optimistic. My boobs are actually noticeably bigger. How can they be bigger without HCG?! And...I did make myself chuckle a little...you know you are 40+ ttc when you lift up your glasses to make sure you are seeing the pg test properly.


I'm looking forward to reading that article.

 Bummer... but I can picture us all with the glasses and the pee stick!!ROTFLMAO.gif


hi music.mama.pdx!


AFM- don't even know where I am at cuz hubby decided to clean up and threw out the 2010 calendars. I know I had AF before xmas, but that's all i know.


I had no idea I would like being a mom so much. I certainly didn't the first time around. Now I have a great home, my mom is near, I don't feel pressured to work, I like myself, my choices are more informed... among other things! I can appreciate the miracle and gift of a babe that's for sure.

post #35 of 522
Originally Posted by WaturMama View Post

BFN. 12 dpo. Dangdangdang. I had gotten pretty optimistic. My boobs are actually noticeably bigger. How can they be bigger without HCG?! And...I did make myself chuckle a little...you know you are 40+ ttc when you lift up your glasses to make sure you are seeing the pg test properly.


I'm looking forward to reading that article.

Oh Waturmama, I'm sorry, but I did chuckle over your glasses comment. My boobs are the last to ever do anything, pregnant or not, so I can't help you there. You know the old standby, it's not over until the hag shows, but I definitely understand your disappointment.



AFM...thank you to all of you for your kind words. My bleeding has slowed to a very light flow, although my hpt is still showing ++ (my doc just has me keep taking them until they get back to -- to be sure everything has completed) so I guess it will be a while before my hormones get back to normal. I actually ordered some more pregnancy test and ovulation tests today online in hopes of getting back to normal and being able to try again soon. This morning though I felt nauseous  until after I had eaten and couldn't help feel the irony of how hopeful that would have made me last week.  I guess it's just the hormones that are still there, but it made me sad.






post #36 of 522

Beachlover, hug2.gif


Quick hello to everyone. Thanks for the link litmama.

Buzzerbeater, im totally inspired by your prospects of adopting a child from China. 

Waturmama, the progesterone is also responsible for sore boobs. Apparently the hcg causes progesterone and estrogen to rise, and  both it , and the increased progesterone cause the nausea in the first trimester.(and sore boobs) (been reading up on this recently) It sounds like you had a robust follicle, but not such a robust egg. I think the same thing happened to me, because i had all those progesterone symptoms. (except the boobs,  but i dont tend to get that, even in my actual pregnancy with my now 2yo, which enabled me to continue breastfeeding ds1)


I want to talk about how  much i love being a mom. No time now. This past winterbreak was so wonderful, because i  could just be with the kids all day.



post #37 of 522


I know-I had the symptoms of prenancy so strong that I thought for sure it was a mistake I miscarried. I secretly harbored the belief that I must have been carrying twins and that one had miscarried and the other one was still ok. I was nauseated, had weight gain, was really sensitive to smells and caffeine and sugar, my boobs were still sore (they still are) and it's been 2 1/2 weeks since my m/c.

I kept thinking "well this is the worst case scenario-- I look pregnant, I feel pregnant, but I'm NOT pregnant!"  I really couldn't believe that my HPT came back negative on Monday-- my midwife wanted me to do a 2 week post m/c HPT to make sure everything had passed.  I still haven't told everyone- like my first graders teacher- who still thinks I'm pregnant--- I just can't face the sadness. I haven't been able to tell a couple of close friends either.

I keep telling myself that it will take a while for my body to really realize that it is not pregnant. What a huge adjustment the body must make. And I guess it will take a while for our minds and hearts to fully absorb it too. I sometimes still think I'm pregnant- then remember I'm not, and I go through it all over again. I guess I am working through the stages of grief.

Sorry for the sadness out there, Mamas.

post #38 of 522

Karalina, only 2.5 weeks out, I imagine you are just beginning your healing. I've only ever had very early losses (before 6 weeks), so I can't imagine what a tremendous transition that must be for body, mind, and heart. hug2.gif


Beachlover, it must be so hard still having the ++ and the symptoms without the sweet babe. hug2.gif Glad your bleeding is slowing. I hope you being to feel some balance soon.


WaturMama, sorry about your BFN (I had one today, too). But I too loved the image of peering over the glasses to actually see the dang BFN. I've been in denial about my recent need for reading glasses, but realized I needed them when I caught myself removing my contact lenses/glasses before trying to read an HPT! Hey, has anyone ever tried putting a BFN under a microscope?? JK...


Buzzer and Maya, so glad you are both feeling the mama love! love.gif I always feel that too during the school breaks when I get to spend more precious time with my DD. It kinda makes me wish I was a homesteader/homeschooler (but I would miss my work, I think...)


Maya, thank you for the information on progesterone. I blame that for my current situation... I have tingly boobs, nausea, excess salivation, and a triphasic chart. I must have had a doozy of a follicle -- first EWCM in 2 years, and now this. I used a FRER today at 11dpo and BFN (naturally). My emotions are all over the place and my usual hope/disappointment cycle has kicked into high gear. I'm usually hopeful until AF arrives, then disappointed. This cycle, it changes by the hour and sometimes by the minute. 


I've been thinking about that NY Times article all day... it elicited such a range of emotions for me. First, fear, panic and grief because it made me go to a place I'm not ready to visit yet. And then, hope and inspiration about what a good place that can be. I started thinking about the poetic balance we could achieve by using an egg donor... we would have one child half mine (DD), one child half DH's (the new baby), and both of them all ours. Buzzer, does it feel that way to you?


One thing from the article that startled me is the author said that adoption can be really fraught with difficulties... they were turned down in China, for instance, because they hadn't been married for 5 years, and her DH had been divorced. Other countries have age limits or require perfect medical health. We would be disqualified using all of those criteria. Have you found that to be the case in your research, Waturmama?


One more question... can anyone recommend good DVDs on fertility yoga, meditation, or massage?

post #39 of 522



It sounds like you did everything I'm trying to do for #2 (my #1 was easy-peasy, in my 30s). When you're not too busy chasing your LO around, would you mind sharing some details on some of the changes you made? I'd love to hear what supplements you took, what kind of tools/resources you used for yoga, massage and visualization (books, CDs, DVDs, classes?) . And what other lifestyle changes did you make?


I'm on that path but just beginning... in November I made big dietary changes and began taking a bunch of supplements. But I have yet to incorporate anything else and am feeling the need for guidance in that area.


Many thanks, mama!



TTC #1 was a hard road- we were dealing with MFI in addition to the age factor- but after 20 months, 2 rounds of IVF, one chemical pregnancy, one m/c at 10.5 weeks, lots of supplements, herbs, fertility yoga, acupuncture, femoral massage, visualization, prayer and lifestyle changes we naturally conceived our DS.  Now, for some reason, I feel very hopeful that this time around it'll be easy. 

post #40 of 522

Thanks for the kindness you dears. And I'm glad I'm not alone peering over my glasses. No microscopes, but I do bring those BFNs to the window for maximum light.


Karalina, there is a guide to abbreviations in that first forum with all the welcome and q&a type stuff. And, yes, BFN means "big fat negative."


ContactMaya, very interesting about the robust follicle theory. That makes sense. I had more ovary twinges than I every remember this cycle. Dang that the egg wasn't robust, too.


LitMama, I have noticed that many countries have age limitation. I have found myself more drawn to domestic adoption, partly for that reason.


Karalina and Beachlover, I remember the pain of still feeling pg (pg=pregnant/pregnancy) symptoms and not being pg. grouphug.gif For one thing they make it difficult to get your mind/heart on other subjects. I hope they pass soon and somehow support your grieving while they are here.

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