Inherently unhappy child?

[CoBabyMaker]

I've been feeling this way for a while now  but I'm starting to wonder more and more lately.  DD1 is very intense and always has been.  I remember so many days when she was younger just feeling like I was such a failure as a mom because she just seemed to be unhappy so much.  Fast forward to now: She is 2.5 and we have 5 month old.  The contrast seems even more glaring now.  She is almost more needy than the 5 month old who is generally happy.  DD2 can play on her own and is happy to explore while DD1 can do that for a short amount of time and freaks out.  If she asks to do something and is told she can't or needs to wait it is full on melt down.  ( I know she is 2 but this kind of stuff has been her whole life).  If I am holding DD1 and need to put her down for minute (and yes, I explain "mommy needs to do X for a minute and then I will hold you again.  See what Mommy is doing..") she frequently gets very upset.  It's not that she is never happy but she seems to be quite frequently (to often?) unhappy.

Both girls are not good sleepers, have food allergies (we don't eat those foods and avoid food coloring too).  We've done probiotics and chiropractic for both girls.  DD1 had cranial sacral therapy as baby.  I even tried giving DD1 "Calm Child" to see if it helped.  I know that personalities are going to be different.  Do I just accept that she isn't happy or am I missing something?

[texmati]

I just wanted to reply-- I have no advice; but I *was* that child. When I think back, I think that I had a very happy childhood, but I was an unhappy child. There was no reason for it-- loving parents, never wanted for anything, big extended family, and I was supposedly everyone's favorite.

This melancholy has followed me up through adulthood.

I'm afraid my son is going down the same path, and I've been trying to teach him how to deal with strong emotions, but I don't know if that's the key.

[Evergreen]

My second child is that child.  My MIL who loves to armchair diagnose my kids with everything from anorexia to diabetes has pegged her as depressed.  She was the baby who cried constantly, the toddler who whined and never slept, and now at 4 she's meloncholy.  She can be funny and lively but compared to most children she is just rather sad.

She is getting happier. Starting daycare when I went back to work actually helped her come out of her shell a bit. Then when she switched daycares in November she really blossomed!  It's not a reccommendation to start children in daycare or preschool but it's something I have noticed that has helped Ava. Maybe she likes that she is constantly playing or interacting with others or maybe she realizes that she can't get her way everytime she whines like at home or maybe she is just happy spending some time away from the house. Maybe it's just her age and she is growing out of her moodiness.

It's really tough to have a sad child when as parents our goals are to always keep them happy and fufilled. I know that even though I did "everything right" I felt like a failure when we'd go somewhere that was supposed to be fun and I was the one dragging the crying kid around or sitting miserably on the sidelines while my child glared at everyone.  Playgroups didn't work for that reason, story time at the library was a flop, even walks or trips to the aquarium were hit or miss. It also made it difficult for my older child whose whole schedule had to be determined by her sister's whims and nap schedules. If Ava fell asleep in the car on the way to our destination we'd leave. Dylan would be disappointed but ultimately she understood that it was better than waking her up to continue on.  That was sad and I think it made her grow up faster than she normally would have. A 5 year old shouldn't be so aware of a younger sibling's quirks that she is more than willing to forgo her plans so she doesn't have to deal with the tantrum that will happen when the little one awakens.

If you are doing your best and giving her plenty of attention there isn't much more you can do? Children need attention and love but they also do thrive on boundries. If you can't pick her up at the time- don't. By all means explain why but my child did learn how to manipulate us with her sadness (not as a baby but around 2 or 3 years old.) She's much happier when I enforce boundries fairly and consistently. 

Try to spend a certain amount of time each week or day with just the two of you. Praise her abilities and love her unconditionally. Hopefully this will pass.

[madskye]

My little sister was intense and often unhappy as a child.  What helped her was finding something that she loved...in her case, horseback riding.  Once she had an outlet for her intensity she was fine.  But she really needed to find that one thing, if that makes sense?

[CoBabyMaker]

Thank you for sharing.  It does help to know I am not alone.  I think part of it is that, like TexMati, I was somewhat similar to her as a child.  I really want to help her learn to handle all those big feelings better than I did.  It's hard when I am trying to help her (in part because I feel like I was just punished for "over reacting" as a kid) and I feel like she sin't repsonding.

[Peppermint Poppies]

I have no suggestions, but I can certainly commiserate. My 3.5yo DS is the same. His default emotion seems to be frustration/anger/sadness. I put an enormous amount of energy into doing things with him that make him happy, but at a split-second, things can (and usually do) go bad. For example, I was making apple-spice scented playdough for him this morning. When he came into the kitchen and saw what I was doing, he had a meltdown and said "I don't WANT you to make playdough. I've already GOT playdough. You made me feel very frustrated and angry and I'm not your best friend anymore." And I'm like Exchanges like that happen multiple times every day (I would estimate 10-20 times a day on average). It's tiring.

I keep hoping that he'll grow out of it, but he's had this temperament since birth - nothing was enough, everything frustrated him, even at an early age. He never played with toys as an infant, because he wanted to be able to use them perfectly, and simply exploring them wasn't enough. Even now, he doesn't play with toys. I work hard at keeping him away from the TV, which he is addicted to, I think because it's the one activity that doesn't frustrate him or make him angry or sad. But it's hard to keep him away from TV when all of the alternatives (including intensive 1:1 time with mama) result in a lot of negative emotions for both of us.

An MDC mama and I once hypothesized that perhaps our sons were consistently unhappy because they perceived that their needs for comfort/security had not been met as infants due to severe reflux and the pain that goes along with that. Even though we tried to meet their needs, their perception as infants was different. Who knows

[texmati]

My son also was a real rough newborn-- I often joke that he screamed at me for 4 mos straight. It's not really a joke, though.

Originally Posted by Peppermint Poppies 

An MDC mama and I once hypothesized that perhaps our sons were consistently unhappy because they perceived that their needs for comfort/security had not been met as infants due to severe reflux and the pain that goes along with that. Even though we tried to meet their needs, their perception as infants was different. Who knows

[CoBabyMaker]

An MDC mama and I once hypothesized that perhaps our sons were consistently unhappy because they perceived that their needs for comfort/security had not been met as infants due to severe reflux and the pain that goes along with that. Even though we tried to meet their needs, their perception as infants was different. Who knows

 

(I can't get it to let me type out of the box)  That's a really interesting idea.  She did have reflux as a baby.

[tanyalynn]

Originally Posted by CoBabyMaker 

I've been feeling this way for a while now  but I'm starting to wonder more and more lately.  DD1 is very intense and always has been.  I remember so many days when she was younger just feeling like I was such a failure as a mom because she just seemed to be unhappy so much.  Fast forward to now: She is 2.5 and we have 5 month old.  The contrast seems even more glaring now.  She is almost more needy than the 5 month old who is generally happy.  DD2 can play on her own and is happy to explore while DD1 can do that for a short amount of time and freaks out.  If she asks to do something and is told she can't or needs to wait it is full on melt down.  ( I know she is 2 but this kind of stuff has been her whole life).  If I am holding DD1 and need to put her down for minute (and yes, I explain "mommy needs to do X for a minute and then I will hold you again.  See what Mommy is doing..") she frequently gets very upset.  It's not that she is never happy but she seems to be quite frequently (to often?) unhappy.

Both girls are not good sleepers, have food allergies (we don't eat those foods and avoid food coloring too).  We've done probiotics and chiropractic for both girls.  DD1 had cranial sacral therapy as baby.  I even tried giving DD1 "Calm Child" to see if it helped.  I know that personalities are going to be different.  Do I just accept that she isn't happy or am I missing something?

I would keep working on health stuff, particularly liver stress--not in the "pass/fail a liver panel" sense, but in the broader sense that some other healthcare approaches take.  I've found the concepts of traditional chinese medicine to be really helpful at putting together the disparate pieces I see in my kids--the two of them show stuff in VERY different ways, even though fundamentally all three of us have just one problem.  My daughter's the healthier one, yet it's her emotions, her emotional responses to life, that are more susceptible--so individual variation plays a role in how health things manifest.  My daughter's happiness--being discontent with things, how quickly she gets frustrated, when she was younger it was the tantrums over little stuff that took so long for her to calm down from--have eventually shown themselves to be health related.  Not in the hospital/specialist way, but finding a different type of healthcare provider ultimately changed our family life much for the better. 

It's frustrating to see that they're not happy, and REALLY frustrating when they never seem content with what we provide, but as I keep plugging away at the health stuff, I am seeing both of mine become happier, easier to get along with kids--just easier to parent, and happier with their lives.

[laohaire]

Just my observations from reading and seeing kids and such. Two main points:

1) I think kids are fundamentally who they are, and as parents we can bring out the best or worst in them but they are still themselves. So in case part of you was wondering if you did something wrong - no, I seriously doubt it.

2) However, I also doubt she's just being a pain just for the heck of it. I think we (culture, science, etc) don't understand what's going on yet, but I suspect we will find very real, very physical explanations for unhappy or stressed or extremely high needs children. We're starting to see some ideas - sensory issues, allergies, etc. That's probably just the tip of the iceberg, and even our current understanding of sensory disorders and even allergies is not very deep yet.

So, if it were me, I would do both - accept it, but also keep reading and keep looking (not in a stressed way, but just keeping my ears open) for more info that might fit.

[LROM]

Most of you didn't say how you actually try to respond to it.  Aside from trying to do things that either you know your child likes or you think your child would like, when they are unhappy or have a meltdown because you're making playdough, how do you respond? 

Hearing that may help others to offer further ideas about what might be going on or what you might try to do instead....

[texmati]

Originally Posted by LROM 

Most of you didn't say how you actually try to respond to it.  Aside from trying to do things that either you know your child likes or you think your child would like, when they are unhappy or have a meltdown because you're making playdough, how do you respond? 

Hearing that may help others to offer further ideas about what might be going on or what you might try to do instead....

Well... my child is only 15 mos so I try to talk him through his melt downs. Which sometimes works, and mostly doesn't. But I know when I was younger.... there was nothing that my parents could do... and even now I feel like I'm prone to melancholy when others aren't. I just never learned not to dwell.
 

[kayabrink]

My ds is like this. He is seven now, and things have improved in that I'm not dealing with tantrums, but he is still often unhappy or displeased with life in general. I commiserate with situations falling apart despite your best efforts- even fun activities are often met with skulking around, muttering, or sheer refusal to participate. At school, he controls his emotions but part of his coping seems to be avoidance- e.g. he wanted to join lego club, but will not just in case it might not be the way he imagines, he leaves play situations (not in an angry way, but still) when they're not going as he wants...

The only way to deal with it, for us, was to clearly state what was going to happen, all the time, with little or no room for choice. This was unfortunate, as there is no possibility for surprises (though ds has repeatedly told us he doesn't like surprises). Even for birthdays/ christmas etc, we pretty much stick to a wish list. Getting one surprise once negated the effects of all the other desired toys.

Also, while it was/is important to recognize his feelings (You sound angry- that must have been frustrating etc), I have to keep it short and sweet. Too much empathizing, or offering solutions of any kind, will only escalate the situation and turn it against me (even if he was initially angry/disappointed/sad about some one/thing else).

Finally, and I know this is very not MDC, but I need to separate briefly if the situation escalates. I send ds to his room, not in a punative fashion, but a "this is a pointless discussion that's ruining both our days" type of separation. Once he is in his room, he plays or reads. I have tried discussion the incident at a later time, when we were both calm, but that was almost like reliving it for him- tears, anger all over again. So now it's Off you go, come back when you're calm. The end.

Ds has sensory issues which explains some of his intenseness, and he also had reflux as an infant. 

[Peppermint Poppies]

Originally Posted by LROM 

Most of you didn't say how you actually try to respond to it.  Aside from trying to do things that either you know your child likes or you think your child would like, when they are unhappy or have a meltdown because you're making playdough, how do you respond? 

Hearing that may help others to offer further ideas about what might be going on or what you might try to do instead....

I'm not sure that any of my responses to my son over the past 3 years have been successful, whatever that means. I find it difficult to separate his emotions from my emotions. If he's angry and stomping around, I start to feel his anger. If he's frustrated, I get frustrated too. It would be very helpful for me to learn to allow him to experience his emotions, and not get sucked into the negativity. I think I need to accept that at times he will be unhappy/angry/frustrated, and it's not my fault, it's not something I can fix, it's not something that needs to be fixed. But it's still difficult to know how to respond in the moment.

One technique that DOESN'T work is asking DS why he is feeling unhappy. Invariably, he tells me "You made me angry" or "I'm angry because of you." It's hard to empathise with that response when it was genuinely nothing to do with me, and it leaves me a bit lost for words. If I try to communicate that I didn't do anything to make him angry, he insists that it is my fault and escalates his behaviour. If I let the comment go by without responding, it seems like I am unspokenly agreeing with him. Does that make sense? If I probe further, I get nowhere. He is a very verbally precocious 3yo, but he's still only 3 ya know.

Maybe I should re-read Playful Parenting to see if there are any strategies in there I could use.

[Jugs]

Sounds like my 6-year-old. You know the type: surprise him with a lollipop and he'll get mad because you didn't give him 10 lollipops. Its difficult because I'm a generally positive person, so one of the biggest challenges has been figuring out how to be with someone who is perpetually pissed-off. It used to make me feel like a failure, like he wouldn't let me be AP with him; every day I would be near tears practically before breakfast hit the table, and it would be downhill from there. Some days I am so emotionally drained that I have nothing left for my other two children, who are, by contrast, little bundles of sunshine and happiness. I can't say I know what "works" but this is how I survive:

1. When he gets in his wet blanket moods, I detach myself emotionally from the situation and try to be the calm, rational one. Its not me that is making him unhappy, pessimism is just part of who he is... and I have to learn to accept it. Hey, maybe my optimism pisses him off, LOL. Seriously though, I don't engage or argue with him or make with the "What do you mean you never ___?! Why just last week I ___..."

2. I am responsible for meeting his physical needs and meeting his emotional needs as best as I can, but I am not responsible for "making" him happy; taking on that burden isn't healthy for either of us.

3. I savor his one happy time of day: bedtime. For some reason, he morphs into a sweet, cuddly little boy whose mother can do no wrong. Whatever has gone wrong that day, he always wants to make up and talk it out at bedtime.

Edited by Jugs - 1/10/11 at 2:32pm