my BFF and I have very different pareting views....and lifestyles. having trouble with this as...

[sosurreal09]

We have been best friends (BF) since we were 15. She's had a rough background and so did I, we sort of clung to each other early on in order to cope with our lives.

She has anger problems and anxiety problems...shes also very paranoid, but about strange things. I have anger and depression issues.

So she FF right off the bat never even tried to latch, I BF and still am BFing my 15 m/o. This is a non-issue for me. It's not my responsibility to care about what she fed/feeds her baby. She has said a few hurtful things about me BFing beyond a year and I have more than informative about why she's wrong in what she said and why BFing is still important for my older DD. Her DD has recently showed a lot of interest in BFing (b/c she sees my DD nursing) and BF is pissed (although tires to say it jokingly..) that her DD wants to nurse now that she sees mine nursing...(I guess she's been pulling her shirt down and trying to get her nipple)

I BW, GD, CD, don't vax, co-sleep...very common AP things or crunchy mom things. She thinks it's all pretty weird except the co-sleeping which she did with her DD until she was 9 m/o. I really honestly do not judge her or try and tell her what to do in her parenting at all. Even if she says I feel guilty I never did x,y,z b/c I see how good it's worked out for you I usually just smile or say "you are a good mom" or w/e b/c there is no point in making her feel bad for not doing x,y,z...

We have issues when we are together...her DD is a bully..I love her very much but she is a bully. BF says it's b/c she is in day care, w/e not my responsibility...but here's one thing:

her DD will grab anything and everything my DD touches...at our house or hers or out. They are 3 months apart and my DD is very sensitive. I mostly just let them handle it...but will try and re-direct DD (which usually turns into her DD ripping that out of DD's hands too...) anyways if my DD does it back to hers she will take the toy from my DD and say "DD had it first and give her something else and say here play with this" If I do that same exact thing Bf flips out and will be like obvs. my DD is just bothering you maybe we should leave...seriously? or she will do something similar.

I am not sure how to handle this...

also her DD eats crap all day long. She gives her 18 m/o doritos, reeses peices, cookies, other candies, whip cream (straight from the can), chips, goldfish...then when it's time for a meal says oh DD doesnt like vegetables so don't give her any....she will eve say I doubt she will eat you're food b/c we don't like organic food....

When we sleep over her house (we live about an hour away from each other and usually have at least one sleep over a month) she gets offended when I bring food. my DD always ends up eating some crap food I don't want to feed her but her friend is eating it or there is nothing else in the house (she gets $350 in food stamps but only buys snacks b/c she hates being home)

we dont vax and apparently this is of concern to her now b/c someone told her it was dangerous for her vaxed DD to hang out with my DD. I of course informed her it was actually more dangerous for my DD...

anyways something needs to change. My BF is very sensitive and recently went through a lot with domestic violence and is now a single mom. I have tried to be patient and help her ect...but it's coming to a point where I just can't take it and keep making excuses for her...My DD needs to come first and I feel like she's always treated badly when we all get together, The kids do get really excited when they see each other though and do hugs and kisses and seem to really love each other, which is great. Of course I love my friend...I feel like when I am around her I walk on egg shells now..and I don't want too. I am so afraid of hurting her, but something needs to change.

[lookatreestar]

i wouldn't cut her off but def limit time spent together. i have a similar friend and honestly we just check in with each other and attempt to make plans but when things don't actually happen i don't mind. i hate seeing her ds get berated for stupid things "stop looking at her butt!! ewww you are gross" (dd was naked in our backyard during our play date). yeah she told her 18 month old ds that he was checking out my 3 yo dd. 

the food stuff would drive me crazy so i would avoid going to her place. maybe meeting at a park so you bringing your own food isn't strange at all?

[chaoticzenmom]

It sounds like she may feel judgment from you and is acting defensively about it.  I've found these kinds of relationships hard in the baby stages because there are so many things I feel passionate about in regards to how to take care of babies.  When they're older, it's less of an issue.  Do you really feel like she's a good mother?  It kind of sounds like you don't. If you truly think she's a good mother,  you've got to talk yourself out of the judgmental feelings you have and really mean it. 

One of my best friends parents way different than I do.  It took awhile, but we got over the uncomfortable parts of the beginning when there seems to be so much comparison.  I think she even got offended when I'd bake cookies with organic flour just because she felt somehow that my organic flour was some kind of "I'm better than you." thing.  The fact is that neither of us is crazy about the other's parenting, but we love each other and we're both great mothers.  We've even gotten to the point where we can gently tease each other about our differences.

With your friend, she may have other strengths that you don't have.  Try to concentrate on those things that you admire about her parenting.  I like the idea of meeting somewhere neutral.  If you do go to her house and she doesn't like that you brought your food, make sure to point out that she brings her own to your house and you're fine with it.  Maybe she hasn't realized that.

Another thought...maybe your friend is jealous of you.  She's had a rough time with her marriage and is now a single mother.  She may feel like you have much more time to do these things you do and that she's upset that she's having to concentrate so much on other areas of her life right now.

[sosurreal09]

The only thing that actually bothers me about my friends parenting is little things like she STILL hasn't gotten her child any cream or w/e for her eczema but she smokes cigs and buys coffee everyday...and one time we went out to my coffee shop and I bought breakfast for the kids and coffee for us..and she would not buy her kid a drink (which I hadn't realized she hadn't brought) and her kid cried the whole time and I kept saying why don't you just get her a drink they even sell milk and all of that right there and she kept saying she didn't feel like waiting in line...then on the way home we stopped so she could get cigs...and I know she had money...she is in a rough spot but she is getting a lot of help. she gets free day care and sub. housing. and $350 in food stamps. her car and insurance was paid off by a relative, and her phone. her bills are like $350 a month, maybe $400, she makes like $850. we make like $1700 and our bills with food are $1680, but we make do...KWIM? I am happy she gets help I just don't agree with her not getting x,y,z for her child when she has the capability. I don't feel it's my place to say something about it to her. I mean I have asked her 3x if she got the stuff for her DD yet...the kid scratches it until she bleeds...

She is very strong going through everything and I am proud of her. I don't feel like our parenting differences matter. I have never said anything against her parenting...she has said things against mine and have defended myself...but that's as far as that goes.

anyways all this happened to her like a year ago. I have been there for her a lot and have been very supportive.

obvs. we need to discuss some things. IDK if I should say maybe we need to just discipline our own kids or something...idk exactly how to handle it.

[homemademom]

It sounds like she feels judgment from you that you're not actually sending out. Defensive and insecure people can get that way and think that every decision that is different from what *they* would do, is some sort of negative commentary about them. Not much you can do about it, imo. Just limit the time you spend together. That kind of situation (having to protect my dd all the time) would really stress me out so I'd probably back off the friendship.  

[The4OfUs]

I've found the differences seem less as the kids get older, for sure as a PP said.  I would talk to her about the discipline, but also would be loathe to call a 18-month-old a bully.  The 18-month-old is in fact doing something completely developmentally normal.  I have 2 kids; one was a grabber, one was not.  I obviouslyworked with the grabber to not grab, but she certainly was not a bully, she was doing something totally normal (albeit undesirable and in need of correction) for her age and had to be taught/grow out of it.  It's a discipline issue for sure, but I'd hesitate to assign that kind of malicious intent to it due to the "self fulfilling prophecy" aspect. 

I'd set some ground rules for both of your comfort, re:  discipline when the girls are having a conflict, who steps in, who addresses who.  I'm not sure how to address the food issue.  Normally I'm kind of looser with food than many here, as in when I'm at a person's house I just have us eat what they put out instead of worrying about whether it's organic or not, but that's an awful lot of crap being served.  If she has *any* whole-r foods available I'd take the opportunity to have those for you and your daughter, or just keep bringing snacks for everyone - like fruit or cheese or crackers or something simple like that, not like home baked organic something or a more unusual snack - you know?  try to highlight your similarities (while still maintaining most of your own values and keeping your daughter safe of course) and downplay the differences, if you want to maintain the friendship.  

I guess maybe I'd start a conversation about how you feel like you've been drifting lately because you have different ideas, but you want to work things out and stay friends even though you're doing things differently, and see where you could meet in the middle.  I had a couple friends who did things very differently than I did with their babies, and we had a few topics of conversation that were quite literally off limits, and if they started in I would tell them that we're so different on this topic we needed to not discuss it since neither of us were going to change our minds.    I also clearly remember a playdate with an out of town friend where her daughter was a nightmare, screaming and refusing to share anything with my son and hitting at him and I thought, holy crap how are we going to continue doing this?  And then they came back to town the next year and the daughter was kind and gentle and shared well, etc.  Sooo, kids outgrow a lot of this stuff, and as they get older a lot of the stuff that mattered a lot as babies and toddlers doesn't matter as much....or doesn't *have* to matter as much.  And even though it may not be intentional, selecting parentign things different from the mainstream kind of implies that you think it's a better way to do things than everyone else does.  "It's what works for our family" is great, but there is always a subtle implication that it's because it's a better way to do things; why on earth would you change to do something in a worse way, you know?  So even if you don't purposely do it, there is the implication.  Not that you should change yourself to the way she does things, but I think it's a natural reaction from other people when you change the way you do things to be different from them.

That feels very disjointed and rambly, so I hope some of it makes sense.  Good luck!

[sosurreal09]

i know her DD is fine developmentally i was just trying to "paint the picture" for you guys. kids can't actually share until like 3 y/o i think. I dont call her a bully.

[sosurreal09]

also want to add I love her DD very much and show her nothing but compassion. I do not "blame her" or anything for her behavior. I guess I gave the wrong impression.

at times her mom gets mad b/c her DD likes to cuddle with me and stuff, which I can understand  b/c her DD is more the independent type and is not much of a cuddler, however her mom has like completely lost it when she was cuddling with me before and IDK what the heck to do about that. I dont think it's healthy for her mom to  be upset when she's showing affection for anyone else. her mom burst into tears and was saying i guess she loves you more. I know she was feeling guilty or upset or idk w/e she was feeling I calmed her down and of course told her her DD loved her unconditionally and that it's ok for her to love me too, I am her "aunt" and it's normal for her to have relationships with other people ect ect...

[The4OfUs]

sorry for the misunderstanding!!

Yikes, she cried when her daughter hugged you?  Man.  I don't envy you trying to work this all out with her, she sounds as if she's in a lot of turmoil.

[chaoticzenmom]

So, she's allowed to criticize your efforts, but you feel uncomfortable criticizing her lack of effort?  I guess that's a pretty common problem, actually.  I'd be very upset about the smoking and not getting the child medicine that she needs.  That's telling of what kind of person your BFF is.  Does she put forth efforts in the relationship with you?  With anyone? 

I didn't read where you two were having issues with disciplining each others' children.  Someone who smokes rather than get her child meds doesn't have good enough judgment to be disciplining your child.  It sounds like there are fundamental issues with this relationship that go beyond parenting differences. 
 

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

The only thing that actually bothers me about my friends parenting is little things like she STILL hasn't gotten her child any cream or w/e for her eczema but she smokes cigs and buys coffee everyday...and one time we went out to my coffee shop and I bought breakfast for the kids and coffee for us..and she would not buy her kid a drink (which I hadn't realized she hadn't brought) and her kid cried the whole time and I kept saying why don't you just get her a drink they even sell milk and all of that right there and she kept saying she didn't feel like waiting in line...then on the way home we stopped so she could get cigs...and I know she had money...she is in a rough spot but she is getting a lot of help. she gets free day care and sub. housing. and $350 in food stamps. her car and insurance was paid off by a relative, and her phone. her bills are like $350 a month, maybe $400, she makes like $850. we make like $1700 and our bills with food are $1680, but we make do...KWIM? I am happy she gets help I just don't agree with her not getting x,y,z for her child when she has the capability. I don't feel it's my place to say something about it to her. I mean I have asked her 3x if she got the stuff for her DD yet...the kid scratches it until she bleeds...

She is very strong going through everything and I am proud of her. I don't feel like our parenting differences matter. I have never said anything against her parenting...she has said things against mine and have defended myself...but that's as far as that goes.

anyways all this happened to her like a year ago. I have been there for her a lot and have been very supportive.

obvs. we need to discuss some things. IDK if I should say maybe we need to just discipline our own kids or something...idk exactly how to handle it.

[sosurreal09]

i mean she has a lot of issues her mom was a heroine addict and her dad was a cocaine addict. she's doing really well considering everything. i have issues with "hurting" people which I think is why I haven't spoken up, but at the same time I *feel* like she's doing the best she can parenting wise and I don't want it to come off as i am judging her.

its not like she leaves her child (except to go to work) she doesn't party or anything she always says her DD is number 1, I think she is just having problems and can't deal with the stress. She is in therapy but it always seems like she gets half azz therapists...no one ever seems to really want to help her.

[mamaofthree]

((hug)) i think sometimes people who parent differently feel judged by how you are parenting even when you say nothing about it. my own mom feels like i am judging her parenting by doing things the way i am choosing to do them. i have never said anything to her, just by the fact that i am doing it differetly makes her upset. i wonder if it is the same with your friend. she sees you feeding your child one way and doing things one way and then judges herself and maybe in her own head sees she is lacking (even if she isn't) and then takes it out on you. 

h