Wondering what I have done

[coyotemist]

So several MDC mama's have been in rough spots this last little bit, and I've read their stories, and just sitting here tonight, it's brought up some old trauma for me.  This resurfacing of issues makes me wonder what long term hurt I've caused my children.

Hubby and I married young, came from difficult family's, and were both lacking in partnering skills.  We fought, and the fighting finally led to some sort of "low scale" domestic violence.  He never really hurt me physically, but I left several times with the kids, slept in shelters, and prayed for the right answer.

Then one day he really scared me and I called the police.  He served 3 days in jail, and then for the next 15 months we sought therapy.  He did domestic violence diversion, I did my own counseling, later we did marriage counseling.  Our oldest (who was 4 and 5 during this, I think) suffered the most, the middle child was a toddler. 

Things are now the best they've ever been.  Hubby still has a temper, but most of the time it's in control.  I'd be lying if I said things were perfect, and that occasionally I didn't wonder if we are regressing.  But I've completed school, we are no longer reliant on public assistance, we have a little space to breathe.

But I worry for my daughter.  She's smart, and speaks up, and generally doesn't seem to let anyone push her around.  But she only has a few friends, and I've noticed she's eating less and has lost some weight (which I have been attributing to the braces, she's still eating, we've discussed anorexia/bullemia because she has a friend who is bulemic, and she wondered how to get help for her).  She's 12, which is a difficult age for any child, let alone one who has come from a difficult background.

I think I've shown my kids the right things...

~how to stick up for yourself and not let anyone push you around

~how to search for problem resolutions

~how to make amends and forgive when proper restitution is made

~how to work hard to make something better of yourself

~how to love even when things aren't ideal

Is it enough?  Will it be enough as she makes these small steps toward adulthood?

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by coyotemist 

Is it enough?  Will it be enough as she makes these small steps toward adulthood?

This is the question all parents ask themselves.

You can't know, you can just keep paying attention and working on anything that concerns you. 

I'll say that both my husband and I had tough spots in our upbringing and we are both pretty happy and reasonably together people. One difference between us though is that his mother has taken a hard look at herself and her past parenting and acknowledges the tough times and I think that is somewhat healing for him. My parents believe they have done nothing wrong pretty much and I don't feel that same support.

So just that you are willing to look back at the past and ask the right questions of yourself and for your daughter, is huge, IMO.

[K1329]

Although my kids are younger, I suspect most parents wonder these same things when they see their child going through a rough spot - could I have done something differently? What if? I agree with the pp - just keep an eye on anything you're worried about, get help for her if needed, and try to keep the lines of communication open. 12 is a difficult age for girls - or, at least it was for me - I spent a portion of my teen years in counseling, too. But, I now consider myself to be a successful, mostly happy adult. Don't spend too much time looking back, nor blaming yourself. Every parent makes mistakes, to varying degrees - it's part of the package. It sounds like you have acknowledged and solved problems and are in a good place. That alone is something to be proud of.

[Lisa1970]

It is very normal, as children get older, to ask ourselves if we did well enough, what we should have/could have done different.

The mere fact that you are questioning yourself probably means you are a great mother! Stop worrying! You have done very well! And for your children to have seen you both struggle but then pull through..wow! What a great learning experience for them! They learned when the going gets tough, it is time to get tough and fix things...not run away. Seriously, you have done extremely well!