DS is getting 3 new siblings in the course of one year - how can I help him deal with this?

[minkajane]

XH and his girlfriend moved in together a few months ago, along with her 4yo daughter. DS reacted understandably, some acting out due to the major change, but he's getting over that since he's getting used to it. Today, they announced that they were getting married and she's pregnant. I'm also pregnant, due in April. So in less than a year, DS will be getting a new stepsister as well as two newborn half-siblings, one in each household.

I am really worried about how DS will react to all this. A new sibling is a major change, let alone three, including two in one household. Yes, he's only with them every other weekend, but it's still a big deal.

I've started trying to get him used to what things will be like here once the baby is born - letting him know what to expect, how much work the baby will be, how he can help, planning special just-for-him outings, etc. But I don't know what I can do to prepare him for how things will be at his dad's. I don't expect them to do anything special to make things easier on the older kids and I think DS is going to get ignored a lot - he already is ignored a lot while he's there and that's with no baby around.

Is there anything I can do to help him deal with this massive transition? This is HUGE for a 6-year-old and I want to help him cope with things as much as I can.

[fritz]

Wow, that is a lot for your DS to have to deal with at once!  I'd recommend going to the local library and start checking out books now about welcoming new babies into the family and being a big brother.  The more time he has to see that yes, it'll be a change, but no, it's not the end of the world, the better.

Do you have any photo albums/scrapbooks from when your DS was a baby?  If so, pull those out and look through them together to remind him how excited you and his biodad were to meet him and get to know him, to watch him grow and change.  Maybe enlist his help in putting together a new scrapbook/album for the new baby(ies?)--do you think he'd enjoy taking pictures of his new sibling(s)?  Or marking the calendar for special milestones?  If he's open to being more involved, then encouraging that should go a long way towards his feeling more welcoming/protective of the new babes, and maybe a little less resentful.

I'd also very gently remind him of how much he's grown and learned, to help him feel proud of all he's already accomplished (I say gently b/c I'd be concerned about your DS feeling like he was going to be kicked out of the house for being too grownup--or feeling too overwhelmed by all the new expectations).

Good luck to all of you!

[minkajane]

He's very excited about my baby and I'm sure he'll be excited about this newest one too when he finds out. It's not that I'm worried about. I'm worried about what's going to happen after the fact. No matter how many books we read about new babies, it's still going to be a big change. What I'm worried about is helping him deal with is afterwards. DH and I are planning on helping him be involved with the baby as well as having special DS-centered outings. But I'd be shocked if XH did anything to help DS with the change afterwards. He didn't do anything different or any kind of transition with GF and her daughter moved in and it was very stressful for DS.So how can I help DS prepare for the fact that at his dad's he's basically going to be ignored (without saying that, of course, I don't want to make things worse) and deal with the stress for him when he has to go there every other weekend?

[IanandKaylamom]

Minkajane,

I'm new to this board but I have a question for you are all of you on here new mommy's or are some with older childern. If I can ask how old is DS and are you saying he is having two siblings add to his life which are babies.

[minkajane]

My DS is 6. As I said, I'm pregnant and his dad just announced his GF is pregnant too.

[fritz]

Well, all I can think of is standard play therapy stuff.  If he's into puppets/dolls/stuffed animals, have little "chats" or act out scenes using the toys as stand-ins for biodad, his GF, and their kids to help your DS act out how things actually go down at biodad's, or how DS would like things to go down at biodad's, or as a way for him to practice using certain phrases to get positive attention....  Or if he's more into drawing, have DS express himself that way.  Or if he's more verbal, have him narrate stories that you write down.

Basically, as long as your DS knows he can discuss his feelings with you (somehow, in some form), then he's not keeping them all bottled up (which is generally agreed to be an unhealthy thing).  You really just need to keep practicing communication skills with him so that when he is feeling neglected/ignored, he's able to convey that without having a total meltdown at biodad's (I'm assuming that wouldn't go over so well there).

You can't change your son's reality, but you can help him deal with it...and it sounds like you've already got a handle on it.  Just keep being present for him.  Outings are great, but also try to set aside blocks of time at home to tune in 100% to your DS.

When your DS is upset now, what helps to calm him down or cheer him up?  Listening to soothing or upbeat music?  Reading?  Sitting in a cozy corner with a lovey?  Plan on doing more of whatever works for DS after he comes back from biodad's...just build it into your routine as much as possible.  Maybe have DS's favorite breakfast or dinner every Monday.  Or put love notes in his lunchbox.  Just pile on the loving.

[hergrace]

DS1 was almost 4 when the triplets were born.  He has done remarkably well.

We talked a lot about how boring babies are while I was pregnant.  When they were babies, I had a mother's helper to look after the babies for some time every day so that I could focus on him for at least 1/2 an hour every day.  As soon as the babes had a reasonable bedtime, I made sure I focused on him as much as he wanted from their bedtime until his. For the first 3 years, I used baby gates to keep a space baby-free where he could have his "big-kid" toys. 

The hardest transitions have been when the babies starting moving around and getting into his toys, when they started talking and he had to share air space with them, and then again when we took down the gates and let them into the "big-kid" room.

For you, the hardest part may be dealing with fall-out from weekends with his dad if things are handled poorly at that end.  Giving him an opportunity to talk about his fears now and his reality then may be the best you can do - and any of the 'play therapy' kinds of things mentioned above. 

If your son is getting used to his step-sister, maybe you can use the fact that he is the big kid to talk to him about how he can help her.  But that might be too much.  You can certainly talk about the fact that it is a lot of change for both of the older kids and how maybe they can find ways to keep themselves occupied when his by-then-step-mom and dad are busy with the baby.

The biggest things is to be prepared to listen to him and show him love in what ever ways you know he responds to. Drag the baby to his events so he knows that he is still important.  Also, if his relationship with his step-dad is good, you can send them out on big-boy adventures when the baby is just too much for him.