Thanks for the replies, its just good to know that there are people out there. We haven't really started telling everyone yet just the people I have had to see, who would notice there was something wrong with me.
I have struggled with anxiety most of my life and was medicated for it for from age 13 to 22. In the past 4 years I have really taken control of my anxiety and not let it stop me from doing things. I went off it before i got pregnant with my first child and have really done almost everything that scared me most in the mean time, flying, morning sickness with my first, other traveling but it is killing me with this pregnancy.
I spend so much time in bed or huddled up in the office. I have thrown up 4 times so far this pregnancy so has been making it harder though to some extent I have gotten less anxious about myself throwing up. Other people doing still makes me have a panic attack though.
The annoying thing with my parents was I was sitting there telling my dad that we where having a really hard time, he has been here, he has seen it and he was saying well the kitchen should just be clean (ei this is my house you will live by my rules, even though we talked before they moved back home about how we would have an open equal adult relationship while sharing this small space for 5 months, they leave in a few weeks now.)
I am so appreciative of my husband and I am telling him a dozen times a day, as well as rewarding him in little ways after the baby has gone to sleep but he is loosing it. He doesn't go to sleep as early as he could (I know that internal argument between I just need and hour to myself and I really need the sleep and in my book getting more sleep is always good for the whole family but it took me a while to figure that out). He spent 15 minutes shouting at me the other day about how cruel I am being to him by making him do everything and how selfish I am, etc... It was horrible and my stress levels definitely showed it. I felt much worse the next day. Today again he is all huffy saying that it is unfair of me to not just get on and push through this for my family (basically ignore feeling anxious and sick) It is really not what I need right now. Plus want to talk about fair some people don't even know they are pregnant for months and I get to be a miserable wreck, that is super fair. Oh yea and the part where he can't grow the baby this time that's super fair. oh ya and I wanted to talk about adopting this time so that I wouldn't have to go through this and he wouldn't even have the conversation.
Thanks for the hugs it actually really helped. I have never really felt that fond of Internet hugs but I think that is what I needed.
my husband complained at me for wanting to go back to bed and do relaxation exercises after I through up this morning. uhhhhhhh That whole excepting that what is just is would be good for me I think. This is one thing you work on very hard in 12 step programs (I am a part of alanon) but have not been going to meetings maybe I should be. I think I have also decided that I am out of the realm of what I know how to deal with and I need to ask for some kind of professional help. Which would be super easy if we had any money but we don't. I will ask the medical midwife I am seeing tomorrow if there any options though medical (it is super confusing to do anything through medical).
eastmillcreakmama I loved your blog, that is what i have dreamed of doing with my husband though we have never had the funds or the guts. I have started to change my mind a bit since I butchered a pig a week before Christmas after I had started having some morning sickness but that my go as the images of dead pig start to leave my everyday thinking, accompanied by a queasy feeling.
I think I need to push myself to get some excesses outdoors. If my son would stay in a stroller I could go for an easy walk but my Patience is so short I feel like I will loose it with him if I have to wait for him to smell every flower. Maybe it is worth giving it a try.
Anyways thats for the responses, I have been feeling absolutly horrible this morning but have gotten some breakfast down while typing that is changing that.