Donor Changed His Mind

[erikamaya]

My wife and I expressed an ongoing desire to increase our family by having a baby. 

A family friend came forward and offered to be an involved donor. 

We had a verbal agreement in place and it appears that he did not fully understand the role of donor (signing rights over to me to adopt, ect...) and/or changed his mind regarding the role he was to play in this agreement.

He has now informed us that he wishes to remain the father on the birth certificate but will sign sole legal and physical custody over to my wife (biological mother) and state that in the event of her death the child would not be take from me.

I don't understand!!! We would have never have agreed to co-parent with this man.

This is really tearing up our family. 

I don't know how to handle this!!! I feel like my wife is having another man's baby???!!!!

I don't know if it's better to make this situation work as best as possible given the circumstances or argue his role in court....

Any comments, advice, anything would be helpful...this has consumed me for days and I feel so cut out of a family I created!

[indigoscot]

first, i am really sorry this is happening.  unfortunately, when using a known donor this is always a risk.  even a legal document stating his role can be thrown out of court because when it comes down to it he is the biological father.  can you talk with him and try and discuss it further?  i don't think you are legally required to put him down on the birth certificate, i mean he can't just bust into the hospital and demand that?  he would have to sue for paternity rights through a court?  i don't know.  if i were you i would seek legal advice from a lawyer who is familiar with this situation.  i would save any emails or documents you have regarding his role in the baby's life.  do you think he wants visitation rights? 

again, i'm so sorry to read this...we used a sperm bank for this very fear.

g

[erikamaya]

At this point we are fearful if we don't put him on the birth certificate and he has to sue for paternal rights, that he would then ask for visitation and/or joint custody...we are supposed to meet with the donor and his partner next Sunday so he can state his custody position in writing.

I thought the same thing...create a paper trail regarding his role in the child's life and seek legal counsel.

It is our worst nightmare, and I'm hoping we can work it all out...we feel tricked into being a surrogate mother for this other couple.

I just keep reminding myself that I am this baby's mother and the donor can only have the State recognize him as a parent for 18 years and then it's all determined by the bond's that are built with this child...

Thank you for your comments and please wish us your best!

[wehrli]

erikamaya, i'm so sorry that you are going through this... i wish i had some words of wisdom, but i don't. i just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking about you and your family and sending you best positive outcome wishes. you are right, he can't stop you from bonding with YOUR baby. Good luck.

[lyn_ftst]

This is so hard.  I have no experience to offer.  I would be an absolute mess in your shoes.  

I did notice this blogger in the same boat -- sounds like a similar timeline, so I suppose she might be you, but if not, maybe she's someone you can reach out to:  http://babymamatoo.blogspot.com/2010/12/still-here.html

One other thought -- any chance you are in a marriage state?  If so, it's possible you will have state parental rights and could have your name on the birth certificate due to marriage only.  That would be the case in MA.  Might be worth talking to a queer family lawyer in any case, even if an adoption sounds out of the question right now. 

Any chance your KD might agree to meet with an arbitrator?

Hang in there.  

[edited for typos]

[stel]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I second, third, etc. getting in contact with a lawyer and it MUST be a lawyer that has had experience with this before.  Go over all options with this lawyer and the ramifications.  For example, I thought "move to another state"  but that is just my fear based reaction to the idea of anyone trying to take my child and might make it much worse.  On the other hand the lawyer might tell you that it will be impossible to move after the baby is born but IS okay before the baby is born or something like. This was just an example, sorry to be so reactive. So, anyway, talk to that lawyer about all options.  Also get in touch with GLAD, HRC, etc and work with them to get contacts who are either lawyers or arbitrators or people who've lived through this experience for you to talk to.  At the same time, I probably wouldn't mention getting the lawyer to the donor.  I would try to be as nice as possible - not aquiescent, just not combative, and don't put anything  in writing yourself that could be used against you later.  Also follow up on what courts do about visitation etc when a mother is breastfeeding. It seems barbaric to allow the kind of visitation that would bring the baby away from his breastfeeding mother, so see if some precedent about that would at least buy some time before any kind of visitation that didn't involve you would start.  Good luck.