7-year old scared of mom dying

[NolaRiordan]

What do you say when your kid says they're scared you are going to die? This started recently with my 7 year old DS. He's been getting upset and saying he's afraid I'll get in an accident or something and die. I try to be reassuring and tell him it's REALLY unlikely that that will happen and that if it did he has lots of people who love him and would take care of him. I wish I had something better to say. Has anyone else had a kid go through something like this?

[fritz]

My DS went through that when he was 4.  At that point, it was more of a realization that we don't all live forever, and trying to wrap his head around that.  (An elderly neighbor died.)  I checked out a few books from our library about death and dying (gentle story books and a great non-fiction one that covered funerary traditions and different religious/afterlife beliefs from around the world).  We didn't focus on it in a macabre way; I was very matter-of-fact (but my DS is basically a scientist at heart).

It's totally normal and appropriate for kids to worry about death and dying.  It shows they realize they're separate entities from their parents.

My DS got pretty upset thinking about my being out of the picture.  So in addition to just blanket reassurances, I listed out everything we do to stay healthy and safe but still enjoy our lives (eating healthy foods, getting daily exercise, looking both ways before crossing the street, wearing our seatbelts in the car, life insurance policies, etc).  That seemed to help him.

Some kids are more focused on the afterlife questions; others want to know the mechanics of death/decay.  Sometimes just knowing the terms of the will can help kids feel more secure--that there are plans and knowing specifically who they'd live with, and where, is important to them.

It sounds like maybe your DS is worried more about how he'd cope emotionally if you were to die unexpectedly.  Talk to him about community support groups (school, church, hospitals, family) for those experiencing grief in all its form.  Or maybe he's more worried about how your absence would affect his daily routine?

[Cascadian]

ITA - this is a totally normal phase that every child pretty much HAS to go through. My DD went through it at 4/5 - she had nightmares, weepy spells, became clingy. We did a lot of philosophizing with her (we believe in reincarnation), and after a while, the idea lost its high charge.

[mom2happy]

My 5 year old is going through this as well.

It started a few weeks ago. He would get very upset and cry and say he didnt want me to get old and die. He's been thinking about it on and off and gets very upset.

A few days ago he told me he is scared that I'm going to fall down the stairs and die.

It breaks my heart to see him suffering emotionally, but I guess it's something that has to be worked out in his thoughts.

I dont know what I believe. I really dont. I tell him that I will be tired when I get old and that I'll be waiting for him in heaven. That seems to help a lot. Like I said, I dont know what I believe, but I do know that love goes on forever, so I try to smile at him and reassure him in a positive way that it will all be okay.

It's a hard one.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by fritz 

It sounds like maybe your DS is worried more about how he'd cope emotionally if you were to die unexpectedly.  Talk to him about community support groups (school, church, hospitals, family) for those experiencing grief in all its form.  Or maybe he's more worried about how your absence would affect his daily routine?

Yes, I think this is at least part of it. And I feel like there's a sense that he feels he'd be left alone. We talked about all the people who love him who would help take care of him.

[fritz]

Well, if it were my son, I'd want to be honest, and give him a good idea of what to expect in the event that I suddenly died.  Keep in mind, though, that my DS hasn't asked about this stuff specifically, yet, so it's still hypothetical =).

I'd tell him he'd miss me, he'd be sad for a long time; after a while, though, he'd eventually be less sad.  He'd also probably be mad some of the time (and off hand I can't remember the 7 stages of grief, but I'd look that up and go through them with DS).  I'd tell him that DH would now be in charge of helping him with his meals, baths, and bedtime routines, but that he'd probably have to spend time with a babysitter.  I'd also explain that DH would also be sad and mad and grieving and would probably cry some, too.  And that all of it was perfectly normal.  Plus, after a while, he might start to forget the sound of my voice or exact color of my hair; we have pictures he can look at to remind him of what I look like, and a few videos where he could hear my voice...but mostly it would be up to DH and DS to share memories of me with each other.  And all of that is normal, too.

I'd also give him suggestions about what he could do when he's feeling really upset or lonely (talking to DH, other family, friends; talking to me; drawing pictures; writing; doing an activity that we used to do together either by himself or with DH).

Basically giving DS the idea that yes, it would be horrible, but it's completely survivable.  Lots of things would be different, but ultimately he'd be okay.

Maybe you could go into more detail with your DS about how other people would take care of him--who would help him with specific tasks (transportation, hygiene, meals).