Need some Perspective: Traveling for Grandma's Funeral

[m0dernist]

I apologize ahead of time as I am about to ramble.  We just found out that my grandma has passed and I am anticipating some conflict with my mother due to my families travel choices.

So some back story:

We live about 1,000 miles from my family.  15 hrs by car, and inconvenient locations for flying.  In guessing flight itinerary it looks like cost will be in the ball park of $650 to $730 per ticket.

My dear grandpa passed away a couple of years ago and gives us a good idea of what the whole family situation is going to look like. The funeral and prayer service will be about an hour from my parents home - away from anything 'central'.  I have a 3.5 (almost 4) year old, and an 8 month old.  There will be estate conflict, my mother will be in charge of supporting my Dad on arrangements and feeding everyone and Mom and Dad's home will be the home base for pretty much everyone as all children, aunts, uncles, and grandchildren have moved from the area.

Spiritually, I am going to support my Mom and Dad.  I, personally, do not feel the need of a funeral to be at peace with Grandma passing.  Because of the logistics of travel and such, I prefer to fly with my youngest since we still co-sleep, bf, and emotionally being apart from him would tear me apart.  I do not feel that it is fair to DH or DD to bring them along.  It will be hours of sitting around with people they really don't know.  DH only met grandma a handful of times, and DD only a few times and really doesn't remember her.

So - when I talked to my mom I gently prefaced my plans.  She wants to pay to have our whole family out.  'We don't get to see you very often and would like you all here'.  Last time we went through this mom was terribly upset as we left because she didn't get any time to spend with DD.  I completely understand this, but I don't think that she is thinking clearly at this point and is setting herself up for unreal expectations.  We will be spending a week in the summer for a family reunion, and will be planning a road trip home this summer as well.  So, there is a great deal of happy, quality time in the future.

I guess I am just looking for other perspective.  Please, don't hesitate to tell me that I'm completely wrong.  I kind of want assurance as well though ;).  

Peace and love to anyone on this topic. <3

[Punchy Kaby]

Last spring I went to my grandfather's funeral. My kids were 4 and 1. I drove with the two kids in the car(about 1000 miles) and DH stayed home because he had to work. I thought about just taking my youngest, but then realized that everyone would want to see both kids and the 4 yo would not want to miss out on anything(all trips are special in his eyes.) We had a great time, I'm so glad I took both kids. We also went a couple months later for my brother's wedding, but it was special for people to meet the kids and see that we were there for grandfather's funeral. My mom was so glad we were there for her.

I'd say, take everyone, it will touch someone's heart that you are all there. Funeral's are for family bonding.

[tinuviel_k]

If she is willing to pay for everyone to come down, and if it is very important to her I say bring the whole family.

[pjs]

I agree with pp. After someone has died, it is very comforting to be surrounded by family. I'd bring everyone.

[ChristyMarie]

So sorry for your loss.

I'm going to be the odd one out here.  I say go just you and your youngest since you don't want to be separated.  It sounds like you are looking at a hectic time with lots of chaos, driving, etc.  Your DH and oldest will just get lost in the shuffle.  Can you blame it  on your DH's work schedule?  Even offer to have just your mom out to you in a few weeks once things settle down to spend time together.  Stress that way she gets more time with her grandchildren.

I think some funerals are very good for children to attend, others not so much.  It sounds like this is going to be a situation where it would be better for just you instead of the entire family.

I hope it works out.

[Adaline'sMama]

I think you should fly with your youngest and leave your DD and DH at home. While I understand that death is a time for family bonding, I agree that they will be lost in the shuffle and that even though she is offering to pay to have you all there, I think you should gently explain to her that your whole family will be there for a week in the summer and that this is not the best time for visitation. Since she wil be busy with so many out of town relatives at her home, and busy taking care of your father, I think that the best time for visiting with her grandchildren will be during your planned trip, when things have calmed down a little. Plus, how many times should your DD go 1,000 miles away for the deaths of people she is not close to? If your mother was upset that she didnt get so spend enough time with her last time, that is likely to happen again.

[texmati]

Honestly, I agree with Christy. Your mom is probably feeling extremely emotional and overwhelmed right now. I would give her a break, and let her know that you will be coming just you and the baby, so you can focus on her and helping her.

[elisheva]

My grandma has just been dx'd with terminal cancer. The docs are saying 4-6 months. Who knows but that's right around my due date and we live 3500 miles away. I'm traveling to say goodbye but likely not to the funeral. If I do go to the funeral (i.e. new babe is already here and more than a month old), it'll be just me and the nursling. I say just take your littlest...

[Sol_y_Paz]

I would go.