Coming to terms with MY mother after her death. WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPICS MENTIONED

[WindyCityMom]

WARNING: Sensitive topics are mentioned in this thread... read with caution.

My mother was a wonderful person, she truly was.  I was her pride and joy.  When she was 16 she got pregnant and my grandmother found out when she was 6 months along and forced her into abortion.  This was back in the 70s.  In 1989, she got pregnant with me.  The doctors told her that her abortion left her unable to get pregnant, so this was a huge shock for her.  She was extremely happy because she had regretted her abortion, and didn't think she'd ever have children.  In addition to that, soon after her abortion (and likely from pregnancy hormones, come to think of it) she had a massive brain bleed due to a cerebral AVM that left her in a coma for 3 months (I think it's 3.. things a foggy right now) and paralyzed on her right side (arm & leg).  This was in the 70s and they hadn't a clue what an AVM was- she had open brain surgery to remove a blood clot and was put in rehab to learn to do everything over again. 

My childhood was wonderful.  I was spoiled rotten.  My mom was VERY much a part of my life.  She was involved in school activities, etc.  She was always a chaperone, she was the president of the PTO at my school... she was just really great.  She read to me every night, she sang to me a lot... I had a good childhood, I'd say up until I was 7 or 8ish?

When I was 8yo, she met my stepdad.  I hate to call him "white trash" but that's exactly the kind of family he's from.  I love them dearly, and they love me too, but they really have some issues.  Anyways, when she met him,less attention was put on me.  We coslept until then and I got booted out of the bed cold turkey.  My mom also turned to alcohol, and slowly but surely worked her way up from a glass of brandy a night to driving around with a fifth of vodka under the driver's seat.  By the time I was in 6th grade (11yo), she'd hit rock bottom.  I remember one time calling her on her cell phone and her replying she was at 7-11 down the street (it had been awhile and I was very worried).  I knew she was drunk so I ran ran down the street (half a block) to the 7-11, where I found her in our van in the parking lot.  Key in the ignition, foot resting on the gas pedal, car in drive.  She was really out of it.  Had she pressed the gas she'd have driven into traffic.  I snuck into the passenger's seat and wrestled with her to get the keys out.  I couldn't shift the gears as I couldn't hold the brake down.  I managed, and dragged her back up the street and up the stairs back home.  Similar situations occured frequently.  It was a very dark time for me.  Eventually, during I think 8th grade, my mom sobered up with the help of AA.  Her longest sobriety was a month though.  She kept relapsing.

The day before my freshmen orientation for high school, she had another brain bleed.  She was in the hospital for a few months.  She made a good recovery.  She was never the same on her feet and could no longer compute numbers or write legibly.  She was sober though.  While in the hospital, they found cancer, and when I was 16 (soon to turn 17), she died.

I just have so many things unresolved.  The alcoholism is a big one.  How I got kicked to the curb for my stepdad is another one.

The biggest came to me after she died.  My stepdad told me that my mom and my biological father were married.  That they were married 10 years, divorced, and on the one year anniversary after the divorce, I was conceived. She had told me all my life that her and my dad were just a one night stand that didn't know eachother.  I know that my stepdad wasn't lying.  My mom wrote a story about her health issues just before her death, and in it, she mentiones "I thought my marriage was the best life had to offer me, but then I met [stepdad]".  Her and my stepdad were never actually married.

I don't get why she hid that from me.  It hurts me so badly.  It might sound petty but for the life of me, i don't get it.

[plantnerd]

Man, I don't have any good advice.  She's gone, so that question may never be answered.  I would guess though that she did it to protect you.  Your mom sounds like a fairly damaged person.  It's hard not to take it personally I'm sure.  Why are you thinking about it now, or have you always thought about it?

[WindyCityMom]

I just think about it all the time.  Coping with her death is getting increacingly difficult for me as time goes on.  I really have no family to talk about it with (that knew her closely), and my father kicked my daughter and I out of his house on my 18th birthday so there's not answers there either.

[RiverTam]

This would be an excellent topic to take up in therapy. It's a specific issue and it's complicated and you sound like you need help processing it.

If you can't do therapy, talking about it at Al-Anon meetings might help, if you found a good one. (Al-Anon meetings are self help and quality varies widely.)

If you can't do either, some reading might help -- Toxic Parents is a great book on neglectful parents. The Adult Child of Alcoholics Syndrome,  and Nice Girls Don't Drink are useful for understanding alcoholism. 

Zen of Recovery is a very useful guide to recovery using a 12 step model that isn't especially religious, but it is spiritual.

The SoberRecovery forums are useufl.  It include forums for adult children. It's a good place to ask questions.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/

[momo7]

I'm sorry that you have all this weighing so heavy on you.  I wish I had some sort of  

for you , but I don't.  Just hugs and kisses.  I know it's hard and that it hurts so bad.  Think about what you truly have to be thankful for because of your relationship with her and concentrate on that. There is nothing you can do about her past...

I recently lost my mother to cancer....there were so MANY unresolved issues of abuse on her part....I went home to try and "fix" things.......it was.....a disaster.   There was nothing left to salvage....there was never anything there to save to begin with.

Please be so happyl that she loved you.....celebrate her goodness.  Even if you have questions, at least you know you were loved by a mother who wanted you.