getting gifts gracefully?

[mnferg1007]

help!  what do you do when certain family members just don't listen or care about the types of gifts you request for your children?  we've asked for natural, eco friendly toys that invoke imagination and natural beauty over the mass produced plastic junk.  but my son still gets most of the little people toys found in the aisle along with other light up motorized things.  and he's only 16 months old! :/  do we plaster a smile on our faces and say "thanks"?  christmas and birthday have left us with mounds of returns and no gift recipts.  we've given specifics of things that we are and are not wanting, but it doesn't seem to get through.  any suggestions?  we don't want to seem ungrateful for the gifts, but we want to be able to use the things he's given. 

[laohaire]

86% of the people on this board struggle with this same issue.

We have no consensus, though.

With gifters that are not interested in providing gifts that will be appreciated, it appears to me that the only thing you can do is put a smile on your face and graciously receive the gift, then do whatever you want with it. There is no magic formula to make people who would rather just shop at Walmart and grab the first thing in their budget OR who believe that your child is deprived without electronics and consider themselves to be your child's only hope, to adjust  their gifting habits.

Now that your child is young, the problem is not so huge - you can say thank you and make the thing disappear. When your child gets older, the problem is more severe. Accepted etiquette permits other people to control what goes in your home, and you not only have to submit to it but also be grateful for it. So your choices then are to go along or to be rude. Great, isn't it?

Yeah, this is a common discussion on this board because there just is no consensus and no really good answer.

[SAHDS]

I agree.  Be gracious, it is the thought that counts when giving a gift and they thought of your LO which, imo, counts for something.  If we get a gift expecting something, we may be dissapointed, same as when we give something.  Things should be given abd gotten without expectations.  That's what makes it a gift.  I hope that made sense. 

Thank them, donate it.

[Zach'smom]

My son is 9yo and we have been going through this since he was born.  He has gotten many gifts from well meaning people that just are not things he can use.  We always smile and say thank you.  I am always grateful for the thought behind the gift, but not necessarily the gift itself.   Once a gift is given it is yours to do whatever you want with.

[zebra15]

Think of it like this. You want your kids to have natural toys and request those type of toys and also probably purchase those types of toys for others who may be crunchy or mainstream.  How does "mainstream niece Sally" feel on her birthday when Aunt Judy gives her a Waldorf doll and a wooden boat when Sally really wanted Little People?  Sally and her parents also put on that same happy face, accept your gift and probably donate it as well, wondering why you just didnt go to TRU and get the darn little people set they suggested.

So there is no magic answer, a gift is just that, a gift.  Someone was nice enough to think of you, your child, whomever and give them something.  After the gift is recieved you can do what you want with it.  When you child is younger the choice is yours, when your child is older, the choice becomes theirs. 

My son is 10 and I dont always like what he is given but for the most part its his decision what is done with gifts.

[monkey's mom]

What zebra said.

It's a gift.....not an entitlement. Can never go wrong with gracious.

[mnferg1007]

thank you all

[Smithie]

"we've asked for natural, eco friendly toys that invoke imagination and natural beauty over the mass produced plastic junk..."

I'm not laughing at you, OP. I'm laughing at the idea of any mainstream person hearing that message, and their imagined reaction to it. 

[SpuglyRoo]

Originally Posted by zebra15 

Think of it like this. You want your kids to have natural toys and request those type of toys and also probably purchase those types of toys for others who may be crunchy or mainstream.  How does "mainstream niece Sally" feel on her birthday when Aunt Judy gives her a Waldorf doll and a wooden boat when Sally really wanted Little People?  Sally and her parents also put on that same happy face, accept your gift and probably donate it as well, wondering why you just didnt go to TRU and get the darn little people set they suggested.

That is why I do my best to purchase something that they have suggested.  If I want my wishes respected, I must respect theirs as well.  If you can't purchase any of the toys they'd like, there are always art supplies, books, or clothes to go for.  Or barring that, take them on a field trip to somewhere that they would actually enjoy.  Once they are a little older just fork over some money in a card, most kids would be thrilled with that.

[matey]

My dh's family gets us so much crap. We thank and smile. He plays with the item while we are staying there. Then I donate it. Last yr dh's aunt worked at the dollar store, so wow, lots of rinky dink crap. Glad she quit that job. I love it when people give us stuff and say " Now I know you don't like this kind of stuff..." Really? And you still get it? Huh.

[Caneel]

Sigh, OP, I understand.  My suggestion, already mentioned, is to donate as long as you can.  My previous way of dealing with it was to smile, say thanks, we will open this later, and spirit the object away to the closet.  Out of sight, out of mind and then take it to the local aid organization. 

It is harder now that DS is older as he remembers his gifts.  I can't hide stuff from him anymore.  I can deal with the flashing, noisy issues but what drives me bats is most of the cr@p breaks within minutes, causing DS to burst into tears.  I have conveyed this to the givers and they still bring in mountains of junk.

[cristeen]

My problem with the "donate" portion of this equation is that invariably the person comes over and wants to see him playing with that item.  One of DS' grandmas is particularly bad with this.  From the very beginning she's given him mainstream things, often which aren't even age appropriate and then wants him to play with them immediately (so they come out of the package before she leaves), and then each time she comes over she wants to see him with those toys.  Right now we're dealing with the pile of toy trucks he got for Xmas - this is a child not interested in trucks, yet I dare not give them away. 

[matey]

Originally Posted by cristeen 

My problem with the "donate" portion of this equation is that invariably the person comes over and wants to see him playing with that item.  One of DS' grandmas is particularly bad with this.  From the very beginning she's given him mainstream things, often which aren't even age appropriate and then wants him to play with them immediately (so they come out of the package before she leaves), and then each time she comes over she wants to see him with those toys.  Right now we're dealing with the pile of toy trucks he got for Xmas - this is a child not interested in trucks, yet I dare not give them away. 

I do worry about this. We live away from family so it is easier. But, for people who I think we might see, I put the item in a box high up in the closet. If they come by, we can make it appear. But again, no onr really comes here so it hasn't actually been something I've done.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by cristeen 

My problem with the "donate" portion of this equation is that invariably the person comes over and wants to see him playing with that item.  One of DS' grandmas is particularly bad with this.  From the very beginning she's given him mainstream things, often which aren't even age appropriate and then wants him to play with them immediately (so they come out of the package before she leaves), and then each time she comes over she wants to see him with those toys.  Right now we're dealing with the pile of toy trucks he got for Xmas - this is a child not interested in trucks, yet I dare not give them away. 

This is my concern as well. Part of me feels like... if this is someone we've expressed our preferences to, but they still give things we don't want/like/need/etc., then I have no obligation to them as far as making sure they see DS play with the gifts. But that's kind of rude on my part I guess. It's just hard to keep a million things just in case someone is offended if they don't see their gift. It's even harder when someone just didn't know our preferences though. I hate conflict & I REALLY hate to appear ungracious but there is a pile of Christmas gifts that I am planning on donating/returning anyway, & hoping it won't become a huge issue. We don't have the space to store lots of extra things that we won't use except twice a year when someone visits.

[bluets]

okie, so i don't have quite the same problem though similar.  [background: my aunt sends us a foreign check every year and it costs us more to cash it/deposit it than the check is worth.]

i just asked my aunt to make a donation on our behalf next year (instead of sending the check) to either her local food bank or our local bank.  kills a bunch of birds with the same stone: she gets to feel good about giving something, we don't have to pay out to cash her check, and ds learns that part of gift-giving is giving to someone who really needs it.

for birthdays (with school friends), i send out a note that we don't want gifts; however, if parents really wish to give something, they could instead gift an appropriate toy or books or some other donation to the daycare or classroom.

my suggestion is that if you have a relative who refuses to pay attention to your toy request, instead ask them to donate that money to your favorite charity.

[SuzyLee]

We struggle with this.  My in-laws are horrible, and then DH feels like we must keep everything they give us bc they don't have much money, so we should appreciate what they get.  

Well, guess what, if they paid any attention to what I have politely suggested (sometime they even ask and still ignore!!!!!) then I would happily keep the gifts!  I am always careful to suggest reasonably priced things that are available at Target (like those Shleisch animals).  No dice.  

In their defense, even my mom, who does "get it" occasionally gets so excited by some plastic piece of junk that she buys it!  lol.

Anyway, when he was little I just threw it all away.  If anyone asked, I just told them it was put away (which very well could have been true- I regularly rotate toys in and out of storage).  And if I was worried about it, I would keep 1 of the 17 crappy things to pull out when they visited.  

Now at age 3.5 he knows what he got and he wants them.  Sometimes he will go for "lets donate this to a little boy who doesn't have toys".  I am worried that he will open his mouth and blab about it if Gma asks though!  He has no filter.  Otherwise I let him play with it until either he loses interest (ie in like 3 days usually) or until it breaks.  He doesn't get upset if stuff breaks, he just asks if it can be fixed, and if we say no he will throw it away.  Then if people ask I tell them the truth- that it broke.  Or sometimes "he loved it so much that he drug it everywhere with him and I think we must have left it at the park".  Or whatever I can come up with off the top of my head.