Losing my grace under fire - won't put on shoes getting out of car

[EzzysMom]

Life with my 2 year old is hard currently. We have a few good days, but if we need to do something and get somewhere it's tough, she digs her heals in and refuses to do anything. Even with lots of warning and some choices. Since so many things go wrong, I've taken the attitude of thinking through of how to handle one fight at a time. Here's one for your consideration:

We came back today from a doctors trip (for me) and needed to put her shoes back on in the car. It's freezing here, she's rear facing, so I take off her snow boots in the car and need to put them back on. I'm wearing her sister, I unbuckle her and ask her to swing her feet over. She swings them into the center of the car and faces away from me. I restate 'please swing your feet over towards me.' She ignores me. I say it once more and she ignores me again. So I grab her out and put her on the ground and walk her into the house shoeless, with socks (60 feet or so maybe) as she screams and cries. I tell her to go sit in her bed while I regain my calm and talk to her later about how it's not a fun game to leave mommy and DD2 sitting out in the cold because she won't put her shoes on.

It's freezing, I'm holding a 2.5 month old, I'm not going to dilly dally and wait 5 minutes, begging to put her shoes on and play that game in the cold. Got any better suggestions?

[woodchick]

First thought-  must she wear boots?  My 22mo wears her robeez most places, even in this weather.  Most of the time we are only going from the house to the car to the building and back, not playing in the snow or staying in the cold for too long.   If you won't be out in the snow, maybe you could have her wear her regular shoes and keep them on in the car.

Second thought- How about leaving baby in her car seat while you go over and put big sister's boots on her. Then walk around to the other door and get baby out.  Does she need to be in her carrier to just get back to the house?  You could just swoop her up and head in.

It's hard to say because I don't know the logistics of car to house or how much stuff you're trying to carry in at once.

[EzzysMom]

Originally Posted by woodchick 

First thought-  must she wear boots?  My 22mo wears her robeez most places, even in this weather.  Most of the time we are only going from the house to the car to the building and back, not playing in the snow or staying in the cold for too long.   If you won't be out in the snow, maybe you could have her wear her regular shoes and keep them on in the car.

Second thought- How about leaving baby in her car seat while you go over and put big sister's boots on her. Then walk around to the other door and get baby out.  Does she need to be in her carrier to just get back to the house?  You could just swoop her up and head in.

It's hard to say because I don't know the logistics of car to house or how much stuff you're trying to carry in at once.

Yeah I've learned she must wear boots once there is snow on the ground, she just won't stay out of it, so I choose the boots so the shoes aren't ruined and it's not a problem when she's stomping in the snow/puddles. I think the boots are easier on/off than the shoes even  because they're just a velcro strap, takes me two seconds per shoe. (she can do it herself too, but she's definitely been not choosing that option these days) I'd want to take regular shoes off in the car too because of the salt and sand and ick getting on the back of the car seat, all the shoes are coming off in this wet nasty weather.

I can leave the baby, but chances are 50/50 she's crying (I've got two car seat screamers lucky me). And once I've opened up the car now she'd be getting cold now too. So either way she's waiting and getting cold.

When I've got a bunch of stuff to carry I always stop the car in front of the house, bring the stuff in, and then go park in back and bring the girls into the house. But I can't bring her in and then leave her unattended in the house.

[Llyra]

I think that in your position, I would ask once. If she refused, I'd just get her down and let her walk in her sock feet, and get cold wet feet. It won't hurt her to get her feet cold and wet a few times, in the few minutes it takes to get inside, and it's possible that having it happen once will then give you the leverage to say-- "hey, remember how wet and cold your feet were? Let's get those boots on so it doesn't happen again." In my experience, the natural consequences speak louder than we ever could, in these situations. I wouldn't be mean about it-- just "okay, that's fine, no boots" as if you're just happily going along with what she said she wanted. If she freaks when her feet hit the cold ground, play dumb-- "I thought you didn't want your boots. You do? Oh, well okay then, here let's get them on" and then have her climb back up so you can get them on.

[EzzysMom]

Originally Posted by Llyra 

I think that in your position, I would ask once. If she refused, I'd just get her down and let her walk in her sock feet, and get cold wet feet. It won't hurt her to get her feet cold and wet a few times, in the few minutes it takes to get inside, and it's possible that having it happen once will then give you the leverage to say-- "hey, remember how wet and cold your feet were? Let's get those boots on so it doesn't happen again." In my experience, the natural consequences speak louder than we ever could, in these situations. I wouldn't be mean about it-- just "okay, that's fine, no boots" as if you're just happily going along with what she said she wanted. If she freaks when her feet hit the cold ground, play dumb-- "I thought you didn't want your boots. You do? Oh, well okay then, here let's get them on" and then have her climb back up so you can get them on.

yeah I could have been nicer about it. Thanks for the reminder, I more just said "you wouldn't let me put your boots on, let's go".

[sydlou]

Originally Posted by Llyra 

I think that in your position, I would ask once. If she refused, I'd just get her down and let her walk in her sock feet, and get cold wet feet. It won't hurt her to get her feet cold and wet a few times, in the few minutes it takes to get inside, and it's possible that having it happen once will then give you the leverage to say-- "hey, remember how wet and cold your feet were? Let's get those boots on so it doesn't happen again." In my experience, the natural consequences speak louder than we ever could, in these situations. I wouldn't be mean about it-- just "okay, that's fine, no boots" as if you're just happily going along with what she said she wanted. If she freaks when her feet hit the cold ground, play dumb-- "I thought you didn't want your boots. You do? Oh, well okay then, here let's get them on" and then have her climb back up so you can get them on.

yeah, I agree with this. I would ask once, remind her her feet will get cold and wet if sh chooses to not wear her boots, then let her walk in her socks. Natural consequences are very powerful motivators when it comes to being uncomfortable in my DD's life (5yr old), and I'm there to let her know the consequence before it happens, but not to stop her from learning, unless it's a HUGE safety thing. Just make sure you are coming from a place of compassion.  And I hate to say it momma, but 2 was NOTHING compared to 3...  Do you think some of that might be her trying to get some special attention from you? Your new LO is just a few months old.... 
 

[hjdmom24]

Could you cover the back of the car seat with plastic and eliminate the need to take the boots off? Although if she's anything like my 2 year old she will take them off anyways :/  Just a thought.

[EzzysMom]

Thanks for the food for thought. I agree she takes her shoes off half the time anyway and I wouldn't want them flung at the baby, so I think the safest bet still is to take them off.

I think she definitely wants my special attention, except she never wants it when I can give it to her. I had my mother come over yesterday and hold the baby and I told her it would be special mommy and DD1 time, and she said she wanted to play with grandma, after nursing. I try to play with her when the baby is sleeping and somehow that doesn't work out either because she'll need to pee and be doing an insane pee-pee dance and still denying she needs to go. So I'll pick her up and take her and she'll freak, but pee tons and have wet her underwear and have to get all changed and then by the time we do it all DD2 will wake up again. argh. off topic rant, sorry

[lnitti]

But I can't bring her in and then leave her unattended in the house.

At almost 2 years old, I would think it would be fine to bring her in and have her wait inside for you.  I would not leave her unattended with the baby though while you bring other stuff in.  Bring the other stuff in first, then her, then move the car and bring the baby in.  That is unless you are bringing her in and leaving her at the top of stairs or something else not that safe like that.

[mamazee]

I would probably also carry her in and leave her inside alone for the minute it takes to get the little one in.  Mine is just turning 2 this month and is fine inside alone for the minute it takes me to walk down and get the mail, or bring in a couple of bags of groceries, or whatever.  They can't get in that much trouble in one minute.  Unless you have an open fireplace or something right there?

This is the very very beginning of power struggles.  Is this a 2.5-year-old, like closer to 3?  Because 3 is when the power struggles really really kick in.  They will get far worse, and the fewer of them you get into, the happier you and she and the rest of the family will be.

But I don't think having her walk in her stocking feet is a problem unless it was so cold it would be painful or dangerous or something.

[Owen'nZoe]

This is what I do with my boys (who both take their shoes off in the car). One walked in without shoes once, and has never done it again. The other walks through the snow in stocking feet frequently. We don't have far to go, so it doesn't do any harm (although I can't imagine it feels very nice), so I just shake my head and move on. I think it is payback time for all the times my parents had to just bit their tongues when I refused to ever zip my coat in middle school because it was uncool. ;)

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Llyra 

I think that in your position, I would ask once. If she refused, I'd just get her down and let her walk in her sock feet, and get cold wet feet. It won't hurt her to get her feet cold and wet a few times, in the few minutes it takes to get inside, and it's possible that having it happen once will then give you the leverage to say-- "hey, remember how wet and cold your feet were? Let's get those boots on so it doesn't happen again." In my experience, the natural consequences speak louder than we ever could, in these situations. I wouldn't be mean about it-- just "okay, that's fine, no boots" as if you're just happily going along with what she said she wanted. If she freaks when her feet hit the cold ground, play dumb-- "I thought you didn't want your boots. You do? Oh, well okay then, here let's get them on" and then have her climb back up so you can get them on.