My BIL called my baby the worst thing imagineable...and my sister defended him

[Amila]

Its a long story, but here are the important parts:

My brother in law is an alcoholic, my sister (and my best friend) is in denial of this. BIL has acted inappropriately several times (yelling at my kids, slapping my daughters hand for reaching across the dinner table, etc). I have never really revealed my true feelings about him to her in fear of alienating her from me.

Sunday BIL SCREAMED at the top of his lungs at my 2 year old DS for not listening when my sister was telling him to stop playing with a lamp at my dads house. The poor kids immediately burst into tears he was SO scared. My husband came flying out of the bathroom and screamed at BIL to never ever speak to his son that way, and basically freaked out on him saying that it was not his job to discipline our kids. Could he have handled it a little differently? Maybe, but it was really pure parental instinct because of how BIL is.

What followed is horrifying and included BIL calling my son a "little f-ing a-hole" who needs to be spanked, calling my husband a "Pu$$y who cant even discipline his own kids" telling us we are "liberal f---s who arent ever allowed in his home, and that we should go f--k ourselves and that we have terrors for children.

Anyway, this isnt the first time he got drunk and played the name calling game- he just recently did this to my sister, calling her a loser for going to bed at 11 on a saturday, told her shes a c**t and a b***h.

WELL MY SISTER DEFENDED all of this!!!!! Kept blaming it on my "undisciplined kids" and how they rule our lives and dont listen. It would have been one thing if everything ended after BILs outburst. I could have forgiven someone for losing his cool as a childless person around toddlers. I CANNOT forgive the horrible things he said to me and my family, and I will not allow him around my children, and my sister is choosing him.  I never expected her to leave him, but I also never expected her to stand by these actions. They were just married in August. I am so hurt and dont know how I can possibly not have my sister in my life, or how she could be anything but mortified at her husbands actions.

I am choosing my children over my sister, and it is SO unfair that I have to :(

[texmati]

Why do you keep putting your kids in a situation where BIL can scream at them and hit them?

I would cut off contact immediately. I'd invite my sis up the house alone if I wanted to keep relations with her.

[broodymama]

Ugh, I'm sorry.

And I totally agree with texmati on this one.  There's no way that guy would be around my family again.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by Amila 

Its a long story, but here are the important parts:

My brother in law is an alcoholic, my sister (and my best friend) is in denial of this. BIL has acted inappropriately several times (yelling at my kids, slapping my daughters hand for reaching across the dinner table, etc). I have never really revealed my true feelings about him to her in fear of alienating her from me.

Sunday BIL SCREAMED at the top of his lungs at my 2 year old DS for not listening when my sister was telling him to stop playing with a lamp at my dads house. The poor kids immediately burst into tears he was SO scared. My husband came flying out of the bathroom and screamed at BIL to never ever speak to his son that way, and basically freaked out on him saying that it was not his job to discipline our kids. Could he have handled it a little differently? Maybe, but it was really pure parental instinct because of how BIL is.

What followed is horrifying and included BIL calling my son a "little f-ing a-hole" who needs to be spanked, calling my husband a "Pu$$y who cant even discipline his own kids" telling us we are "liberal f---s who arent ever allowed in his home, and that we should go f--k ourselves and that we have terrors for children.

Anyway, this isnt the first time he got drunk and played the name calling game- he just recently did this to my sister, calling her a loser for going to bed at 11 on a saturday, told her shes a c**t and a b***h.

WELL MY SISTER DEFENDED all of this!!!!! Kept blaming it on my "undisciplined kids" and how they rule our lives and dont listen. It would have been one thing if everything ended after BILs outburst. I could have forgiven someone for losing his cool as a childless person around toddlers. I CANNOT forgive the horrible things he said to me and my family, and I will not allow him around my children, and my sister is choosing him.  I never expected her to leave him, but I also never expected her to stand by these actions. They were just married in August. I am so hurt and dont know how I can possibly not have my sister in my life, or how she could be anything but mortified at her husbands actions.

I am choosing my children over my sister, and it is SO unfair that I have to :(

Your sister doesn't have children I assume?  Because it sounds like she has a bit of jealousy or resentment towards yours.  I don't think there is any way she can understand the attachment you have to your children (and your horror at having them treated that way by BIL...keep in mind your sister allows herself to be treated the same way so how can she understand?) until she has some of her own.  And hopefully that will not happen with current BIL.

If your sister cannot accept that what happened was not the fault of a two year old child, but rather the adult in the situation then there is nothing you can do.  Perhaps invite her to your house (sans BIL) and see if she will come, but don't be surprised if she sees that as you trying to make her choose you over her husband.  Honestly your sister is the crux of this and there is not much you can do.

[lynsage]

It's your sister's choice if she wants to be her alcoholic husband's enabler. It's sad, but it has nothing to do with anything you did or said, and you can't live her life for her.

I would never take my kids back to that house as long as he was living there.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Red Sonja 

Ugh, I'm sorry.

And I totally agree with texmati on this one.  There's no way that guy would be around my family again.

Me, too. Don't let him in your life again.

[MamitaM]

I'm so sorry your son was so scared. Your sister needs to wake up and see that her new husband is a UVA and decide what she needs to do about it. I guess all you can do is tell her that you won't see her if she's around him, that when you do meet he can't be around you or your kids at all. Just make it clear to her that you still love HER and will always be there for her if she ever needs you. She may decide to leave him if she realizes that he's wrong to yell at the kids that way.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by lynsage 

It's your sister's choice if she wants to be her alcoholic husband's enabler. It's sad, but it has nothing to do with anything you did or said, and you can't live her life for her.

I would never take my kids back to that house as long as he was living there.

And this is actually just about what you need to tell your sister.

[plantnerd]

I recently had to choose my son over my sister as well.  She's mentally ill (BPD) and although I can tiptoe around her psycho self for the rest of my life just fine, I refuse to expose my son to her abject craziness any longer.  Hugs, I'm so sorry.

[doubledutch]

imo, you are not choosing your kids over your sister - you are choosing your kids and your sister.  if she chooses not to have a relationship with you because you protect your kids from her husband, that is on her.  not you.

that being said, it sounds like she is in an abusive relationship.  it's really difficult to think clearly under those circumstances, people do and say things you'd never expect (like your sister backing up her husband), and loyalty to the abuser is demanded at all costs.  i'm not excusing the fact that his behavior was outrageous and it really sucks that she defended him, but it's understandable in a way, considering that she would bear his wrath if she sided with you.  if she is ever to get out, she will likely need support from you, so i hope you will be able to still be a part of her life while protecting your family from her husband. 

[lookatreestar]

yup, esp. if he called her those names for not even *doing* anything wrong.

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

imo, you are not choosing your kids over your sister - you are choosing your kids and your sister.  if she chooses not to have a relationship with you because you protect your kids from her husband, that is on her.  not you.

that being said, it sounds like she is in an abusive relationship.  it's really difficult to think clearly under those circumstances, people do and say things you'd never expect (like your sister backing up her husband), and loyalty to the abuser is demanded at all costs.  i'm not excusing the fact that his behavior was outrageous and it really sucks that she defended him, but it's understandable in a way, considering that she would bear his wrath if she sided with you.  if she is ever to get out, she will likely need support from you, so i hope you will be able to still be a part of her life while protecting your family from her husband. 

[Arduinna]

There is no way on Gods green earth I'd ever let that dude around my kids again, ever. And you bet my sister would hear it from me for backing him up. You can't save her from her mistakes and your kids should not have to pay the price for her mistakes either. I'd tell her I love her, and she is welcome to visit me but her husband is not allowed around my kids or in my home and I won't be visiting theirs.

[gbailey]

In 100% agreement with Texmati. You shouldn't expose your children to this man. They rely on their parents to defend them and keep them in healthy situations. It's unfortunate your sister is living with a man like this.

[Tumble Bumbles]

100% agree with all of this.

Originally Posted by texmati 

Why do you keep putting your kids in a situation where BIL can scream at them and hit them?

I would cut off contact immediately. I'd invite my sis up the house alone if I wanted to keep relations with her.

Originally Posted by lynsage 

It's your sister's choice if she wants to be her alcoholic husband's enabler. It's sad, but it has nothing to do with anything you did or said, and you can't live her life for her.

I would never take my kids back to that house as long as he was living there.

Originally Posted by Arduinna 

There is no way on Gods green earth I'd ever let that dude around my kids again, ever. And you bet my sister would hear it from me for backing him up. You can't save her from her mistakes and your kids should not have to pay the price for her mistakes either. I'd tell her I love her, and she is welcome to visit me but her husband is not allowed around my kids or in my home and I won't be visiting theirs.

[AmaraMonillas]

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

imo, you are not choosing your kids over your sister - you are choosing your kids and your sister.  if she chooses not to have a relationship with you because you protect your kids from her husband, that is on her.  not you.

that being said, it sounds like she is in an abusive relationship.  it's really difficult to think clearly under those circumstances, people do and say things you'd never expect (like your sister backing up her husband), and loyalty to the abuser is demanded at all costs.  i'm not excusing the fact that his behavior was outrageous and it really sucks that she defended him, but it's understandable in a way, considering that she would bear his wrath if she sided with you.  if she is ever to get out, she will likely need support from you, so i hope you will be able to still be a part of her life while protecting your family from her husband.