Think Im pregnant with no. 3 and not happy about it

[mmmmochi]

I have two children, aged 4 and 8 years, one boy, one girl. I am 35 and to be honest, Im done with my childbearing.

We homeschool, noone is in diapers even at night, people can make their own drinks and snacks. We can go anywhere on a whim, even to nice restaurants at the weekend with dh. I get to sleep through the night. I am a happy mother!

We chart as birth control, had one `accident`, lack of control whatever, last month after a pre-Christmassy drink or two after the kids were in bed. Now Im late, my boobs are sore, Im so so tired. I feel like I did the last two pregnancies. I dare not even test as I am too scared to.

We are not struggling with money, though a third child would mean some cut backs. I have no idea how I would homeschool with a tiny baby. To top it all I have had 2 c sections, one due to a prem baby being in distress, and the second due to a failed trial of labour where I just did not progress.

I love my children. I am a loving devoted mother. I breastfed, baby-wore, I am still very attatched to both my darlings. We still cosleep .it is ALL past tense though with the diapering and breastfeeding. How on earth would I do that all again.

Sorry, just scared and venting. I know Im stupid. I behaved like a silly teenager and we have been married for years, both children were planned.

What on earth would I do with one more! I gave away all my diapers, all the baby clothes, everything. I dont have a single piece of maternity clothing. I was done!

[Lousli]

I'm pregnant with my third and my two are 9 and 6.  It wasn't an accident, but I spent a loooong time thinking about those same things (gave away my baby stuff, no one is nursing or in diapers, etc.)  I finally decided that it was now or never for the decision to be made.  I was either at the point that I wanted my dh to get a vasectomy or for us to go ahead and have another baby.  I also have had 2 premature babies, so I understand the concern about the c-section being part of the worry, as my medical history was part of our worry too.

He and I discussed it for probably 2 years and we decided to just go for it.  We knew that we were taking on a challenge for sure, but that we'd make it work out somehow.  Now that I'm 30 weeks and the baby will be here soon, I couldn't be more happy and excited about our choice.

If you are pregnant, you have lots of time to get used to, and even excited about, a new baby.  You have plenty of time to prepare and if you buy a little bit at a time, you can have quite a bit of baby stuff ready by the time the baby comes.  Go ahead and take the test.  It will ease your mind to know one way or the other, and if you are, you can start taking prenatal vitamins right away and in general start preparing yourself.

[mmmmochi]

I just did the test. Definately positive. A cant argue with it kind of positive. I seriously cant be happy about it.

I know dh, he will shrug, give me a hug and say `ohhh what name do you like? It will be all ok`. There will be no question, he will just accept it. He will also tell me off for giving away all my maternity clothes, and baby clothes etc... 

I feel so guilty. I was so happy with my other two pregnancies. I feel really sad and upset and worried and cheated. I dont think the kids will be over the moon about it either.

[mmmmochi]

Thank you for your kind reply Lousi. It was very nice of you to be encouraging. I wish you all the best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth.

[tzs]

Originally Posted by mmmmochi 

I just did the test. Definately positive. A cant argue with it kind of positive. I seriously cant be happy about it.

I know dh, he will shrug, give me a hug and say `ohhh what name do you like? It will be all ok`. There will be no question, he will just accept it. He will also tell me off for giving away all my maternity clothes, and baby clothes etc... 

I feel so guilty. I was so happy with my other two pregnancies. I feel really sad and upset and worried and cheated. I dont think the kids will be over the moon about it either.

ugh.....i cant really offer you any encouragement because i'm right there with you. but maybe that'd kind of encouraging in itself....knowing that you're not the only one?

i'm only on #2 and in theory i had expected to have more kids but i just wasn't ready or sure and i'm still not after 20 weeks. so then there's the guilt about not feeling excited about a kid that you'll for sure love when all is said and done. i was also trying to cheat the "system" and it was quite a shock to me as well. there's just no excitement or connection. maybe that's a good thing because there's also not that nagging nervousness?

anyway....just to let you know that you're not out there alone.

[mmmmochi]

ugh.....i cant really offer you any encouragement because i'm right there with you. but maybe that'd kind of encouraging in itself....knowing that you're not the only one?

i'm only on #2 and in theory i had expected to have more kids but i just wasn't ready or sure and i'm still not after 20 weeks. so then there's the guilt about not feeling excited about a kid that you'll for sure love when all is said and done. i was also trying to cheat the "system" and it was quite a shock to me as well. there's just no excitement or connection. maybe that's a good thing because there's also not that nagging nervousness?

anyway....just to let you know that you're not out there alone.

 Thanks for the sympathy tzs, it is good to know that Im not an ungrateful cretin, and the only one who feels like this. Im not down, or blue. I just did not want more children. Ok, so then I should have taken more care, I know. Im berating myself. I know exactly when I got pregnant, and remember thinking, oh well, it was only once when it was `not safe` and Im no spring chicken anymore. Im stupid.

You are right, when all is said and done ill love this child every bit as much as I love my daughter or my son. I am going to be homeschooling 5 years more than I expected to, Im going to have to buy new diapers and covers, a sling etc. We cosleep, so it will mean one more futon and we will find space for one more. It is not the end of the world. All those clothes! Boys and girls clothes...I gave them away only a few months ago. I took all the gates down in the house and everything. THe potty went in the bin.

I am not at all nervous. I figure what will  be will be. I just dont want to do it all over again. I am not excited about it at all.

I left dh a message on his phone saying to call me, which I know he wont because he is busy today, so I guess Ill be able to tell him later on. I know he wont be unhappy about it. Im dreading the lecture from the clutter loving, keep everythign just in case dh, to me, the `throw it out, we dont have space` person. I guess he won the arguement. Ill never hear the last of it.

I also have a summer in hot hot weather and huge to `look forwards too`. Delivering in September could not be worse timed, with the heat. The very hottest time of the year, Im going to be biggest.

I know, I am ungrateful. I should be thankful. I just really thought it was done. I celebrated no more diapers, no more breast feeding, getting my body and my night time back. I loved breast feeding, I was just `done`. Does that sound very selfish? Of course Ill do the same for this baby, and I remember how wonderful it feels to breast feed a new tiny baby.

Its my own fault. After this Im getting my tubes tied. I really am finished!

[sommer64]

I'm so very sorry to hear of your dilemma!  This must be really, really hard. I encourage you to take a little time to just "let the information sink in" before you have to figure out all the details. You don't have to solve all your problems today.......  I think it's really good that you are sharing about this.... Getting support will make it easier.......  Good luck to you!

Sommer

[Buddhamom]

I hope you find peace with your situation.  I completely understand your shock! I have a 21, 19 and 5.5 yr. old daughters.  Our last was adopted because we had failed infertility attempts 8 yrs. ago and were told forget it.  Needless to say we moved on, adopted our baby girl and resigned ourselves to that being the last and were content.  Lo and behold at 40 yrs. old....WHAM, pregnant after 8 years of no protection or anything!  When I did the test I dropped to the floor and cried and had all the thoughts of "but I was done", "I am too old", "I gave everything away", "having just one at home was nice" and "we could go away on a whim with no worries".  Then my crying turned to laughter wihtin a few minutes especially at the thought of what was ahead and how shocked but happy everyone would be, especially my husband.  Within a few hours my husband had come home and we were laughing about how fun this would be since I hadn't been preg. in 20 years and especially the fact that 8 years ago we were spending lots of money to try and get preg..  Needless to say we are very excited!  So my hope is that you will over come your shock and it will all work out for you!  PEACE!

[mamaki]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation to you.  I'm 33 and have a DD age 7 at the end of this month, DS age 4 yrs.  They are also very independent, been out of diapers for years, get their own food etc.  This was an unplanned pregnancy (I was on birth control) and I had also given away all my baby equipment, clothes, maternity clothes etc. 

I was very unhappy about the pregnancy at first, as was my DP who is still in school and we don't live together (I'm divorced from my kids' father).  My DP is also a lot younger than me.  So at first it was very difficult for both of us.  I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and we're both happy and excited about the pregnancy. Our families have embraced and accepted it and I'm now enjoying being pregnant (after a sick and difficult first trimester).

I think what helped us accept the pregnancy the most was just trying to think of all the positive aspects of the pregnancy.  We made mental lists of all the reasons it was a good thing that I was pregnant now and tried to embrace it.  It took some time but we came around.

Good luck with everything :)

Anna

[dakotablue]

Just offering hugs and peace.

You will love this baby, but it is totally normal and ok to mourn the idea you had about what your life was going to be. Don't feel guilty about working through those feelings.

It will be a new adventure, but not the road planned.

Blessings.

[Momsteader]

Hugs mama!  I am due in June with baby #3 which was a total shocker. My kiddos will be 15 and 11 and homeschooled as well. I still feel a bit ambivalent about the pregnancy. I know I will be so excited when babe arrives, but right now...I think I'm still in shock. Give yourself time and let yourself feel it. You will make it and it will all be okay, and you've got plenty of time.

[nadia105]

Mama, you are not being ungrateful, you are being honest.  It is okay to not be thrilled, this isn't what you saw for yourself and your family.  Every pg is not filled with sunshine and roses, but you will love the baby that comes out of it.

I'm pg with #4 and this ont was a surprise.  Looking back at timing, I know exactly when it happened, and figured it was close enough to 'safe' -- not quite.  My kids are 7.5, 6, and 3.5, and we have been out of diapers and eveything for what feels like forever.  I had also given away my baby clothes, maternity, and diapers. Most of my friends are done having kids, but do you know anyone who still has baby or maternity stuff?  Lots of people love having another mama to give that stuff to. 

You have a long time to get used to the idea of #3 and adjust the plan.  I have days when I am thrilled, days when I am scared, and days when I just can't wrap my head around what having another baby in the house will 'look' like, but it will be okay.  I think this babe is meant to be part of our family and it will work out.

[mmmmochi]

I wanted to thank everyone. You are all such kind and supportive mamas.

I managed to tell dh late last night. He said `ohh. What will we do!` I was actually quite grateful he was not all stoic and immediately happy about it. He went out, bought me some strawberry tea and milk pudding, cleared his head and was actually rather alright about it all. I did get told off a bit for getting rid of all the baby stuff, especially the clothes, but in a laughing `told you I was right` kind of way. At least my marriage is in a good place.

I have to admit I did sound him out on not proceeding with the pregnancy, I needed to know this wont put a huge strain on my family that are already here. Which just managed to reduce him to tears and make me look even more heartless than I already did.

He is rather happier than I am about it, and was all affectionate and sweet this morning with a huge smile on his face. I suppose he gets all the play time with the kids, i get all the tough stuff. Our marriage is quite traditional. His work is demanding, but I can be a sahm. He provides the money, I do more or less everything else. It works most of the time.

He is worrying, and asked me how I will homeschool with a baby, how will I fit another car seat in the car (we wont, its too small, add a new car to the list), where will the baby sleep (with me, he will have to find his own corner of the futon). We dont have a lot of room, living in a metropolis, so three kids and 2 bedrooms. Our third bedroom is a school room. I am not sure my school room will survive this either.

I dont know anyone ready to give away their baby stuff or maternity clothes. I did have a rather nice suprise that my hording husband had hidden the baby bath and the trip trap high chair from me when I `tidied up`. On the plus side, I can try a new sling and new diapers, and new clothes.

I am not ok with it really. I just hope it doesnt ruin my lovely little situation here, with a husband who is comfortable in his role, and my children in their routines. I hope I am able to manage everything.

Thanks for giving me a place to talk about all this. It helps a lot.

mochi

[Lousli]

As far as the carseat goes, you might want to look into Sunshine Radian carseats.  They are the narrowest on the market, I believe, and highly rated.  You can fit 3 across in a sedan.  They are pricey, but a lot cheaper than a new car!

[pregnant@40]

My second is due in less than 4 weeks, and I still feel ambivalent. My first is 6, and having an only child was really so nice. However, I decided to proceed w/ the pregnancy b/cs life is giving him a sibling, and that's something I'm not entitled to take away from him. Sometimes things may happen for a reason. I'm hoping the love and bonding kick in after the birth...

[mmmmochi]

I will see if I can find those car seats in Japan! We dont have a lot of the things available in the US or Europe. Otherwise its going to have to be a new car. Our car is tiny, only just comfortable for 2 kids in the back. I think poor dd might rebel if I try to squeeze another one in the back with her.

Poor dd, she is not going to be happy at all. Being the oldest is tough!

 

Originally Posted by Lousli 

As far as the carseat goes, you might want to look into Sunshine Radian carseats.  They are the narrowest on the market, I believe, and highly rated.  You can fit 3 across in a sedan.  They are pricey, but a lot cheaper than a new car!

[mmmmochi]

Its good to know that I am not alone in feeling like this.

I cant help but think my balanced household is going to become chaotic, but this is the situation, and I have to make the best out of it.

I wanted a sibling for dd, I just was traumatised after having a poorly prem baby and an emergency section. I still think if the hospital just left me alone things would have gone much better.

I know its cruel, but a third just seems surpluss to requirements. I have a girl and a boy, who get on well.

I have nine months to get my head around it. I know when the baby gets here Ill be all loved up and will bond. It just is not what I expected.

Right, no more moaning about it from me. Ill go find myself a due date group and pull myself together. Perhaps if I act as if I am happy about it, I will start to feel happy for real.

[Lousli]

I thought my oldest dd would be really taken aback, but it turned out she was thrilled!  She talks to the baby and kisses my belly, and whenever the baby is kicking, she wants to run over and feel.  I bought both my kids a book called The Big Sibling Book and they both really like it.

[mmmmochi]

My oldest got used to ds quickly. He peed on her when I changed his first diaper at home, she was horrified and bit him in retaliation, and then they just fell in love with each other. They are really close.

Dd always has to make do, as I have to give the `baby` ds more attention, she will have even less of me, but it will be alright. Ds, the `baby` will not be `the baby` and will have to manage. They already fight about who gets mummy next to them as we sleep. Dh has to make do with not being next to me, and I have one on each side. Dd will be pushed out of this postion by the new baby. At 8, she is perhaps ready to give up the co sleeping, but she likes sleeping with me.

I think I even threw away the `Im going to have a baby brother` type book I bought for dd...

Its not the end of the world. I wish i wasn`t pregnant. I wish it could stay the same. Ill get my head around it. To be honest, if dh had been more receptive to the idea, I might not have continued with the pregnancy. It was a total no go discussion, on his part, which really is fair enough. I really am that ambivilant about having a third child. I have no idea how we will afford three lots of college fees etc. Long term, its going to get expensive.

I have to get used to the idea first.

[Bird Girl]

Mochi, I was in the same state you were in September. I have an eight-year old girl and a five-year old boy and homeschool them when we got our little surprise. Unfortunately, this has been by far my worst pregnancy, with hyperemesis and a kidney infection. We'll have to give up my beloved station wagon in favor of some enormous thing, and probably move to a bigger house.

But I'm at 24 weeks now, and both DH and I are starting to get attached to the little bugger--her in-utero name is Ponyo, for the fish who turned into the girl.

Hang in there, and keep being honest with yourself. I bet you'll come around for good if you give yourself plenty of time to do it in.