Am I overreacting or just being a mother? - Page 2

[ButterflyBaby11]

I wasn't seeking validation of my opinion.  I was seeking opinions in general.  Even though my opinion is not the strong opinion, I've decided that he was in the wrong.  I'm not a hard person to get a long with.  I've never asked to be informed of where he had my daughter.  This was her first time spending the night with him.  He lied (as he usually does) about where our child would be sleeping and I'm not amused.  Lesson learned.  I will not willingly allow another overnight because I cannot trust where our child will be sleeping.  I find it hard to believe that me--her mother--wanting to know where she will be sleeping is asking too much or being too difficult to work with.  I don't ask or request to know where she'll be any other time.  I went to sleep "knowing" where my child was, safe and sound, only to get a rude awakening in the morning. 

If my daughter was supposed to be at my sister's house and in the morning I found out otherwise, I'd be just as angry and probably not allow anymore over-night visits.  Friends or not, most women have agreed with me on this issue.  I don't care if any of you agree or disagree.  I'm her mother and until he man's up, takes me to court and a judge says otherwise, I do have the right to know where my child is.  You did give me some things to think about I guess. 

[vivvysue]

in real life and in real court systems, mostly judges feel that when a child is having their access with one parent that the assumption is the child will be safe and the parent will ensure that the child is cared for and not neglected. i cant see any judge having issue with your dd staying with her smom. or agreeing that you must know where and who your dd is with every minute of every day that she is with her dad. it hasnt been my experience that any one parent has been given that sort of power over the other, unless there is supervision in the order and a parent has been ordered by the court to keep a child at a certain place over night or at any other time. and whether he does the work or washes her hair or his wife does wont really matter to a judge either, rather it would come across to a judge as a healthy blending of a new family unit.

i too must agree that in real life the people who are agreeing with you are more than likely your friends. or dont have a lot of experience with separation and custody or access and the rules that govern those issues in family law. 

if your ex is abusive or controlling or a danger to your dd, then i would be getting into court asap and having my court order changed.you will need to be able to prove this to a judges satisfaction and it is a way better option than just moving away and taking her from him. that could easily be used against you by him, and you could face losing custody yourself. most judges dont look kindly upon parents removing children from the lives of their other parent or the other parent from the life of the child simply because one doesnt approve of the actions of the other or doesnt like that they arent given updates to what is or isnt happening when the child is in the care of the other. i doubt that you call your x and tell him each time that your dd is not going to be spending the night with you. there are protocals that must be followed in the court system, if i were you i would check into them in the state you live in and figure out my plan based on that information.

i am not trying to sound judgmental or anything, but you sound rather like you want to have complete control over your dd, but you didnt get her here by yourself. she and her father do have rights to share a relationship with one another. knowing where she sleeps..... most judges would look at that on an application to vary or make an order and see it as a 'you having a control and separation issue' rather than a 'his endangering her issue'. i dont think you would come over looking like a healthy relationship encouraging co-parenter, at least that has been my experience and was a particularly dealt with part of a course you have to take here when you separate and apply for an order for custody and access. getting used to not having complete control over what happens when your child is away from you. as long as they are safe and not neglected. then you dont have much of a say at all in what happens on his access time.

good luck to you, 

cheers, vs

[vivvysue]

ps...

i just wanted to add that if he is preparing to go to court with you and he could be, he sounds like an involved parent and more than just a once and a while dad.  and if he is documenting your actions and what you say and do, what you say and do could easily be used against you by a good lawyer working for him,

it doesnt sound like you have an order in place, here that would mean that at any point he decided he could just not bring her back and have residential custody just because he took the initiative and went and got it. here you would have a difficult time getting her back. that is just how the family relations act works here, i dont know abolut the states, but i would check the laws in case there is a chance that he can do that... it would be horrifying for you to have that happen to you.

hth~ v

[mamazee]

I am coming from this hearing it from my recently divorced brother's point of view.  He is not obligated to tell his ex-wife where his kids are when they're in his care, or tell her if he changes his mind about where they are.  I think the OP's child's dad was potentially passive aggressive to tell her he was going to have them one place and then take them somewhere else (if he planned that from the start) but that might be a reaction to feeling micromanaged over the time he spends with his child.  I've never personally known a case where a non-custodial parent had to tell the custodial parent where the children were every minute, though I'm sure there are cases where it's required, though it seems like it would be due to a history of taking children to unsafe places, and not a standard thing.

[GoBecGo]

Is he an abusive control freak or is he your babysitter?  Because if he's both then you're pretty unwise at best.

Of course if he's her FATHER it doesn't make any difference if he's an abusive control freak, since he's still, bottom line, her father.

I think (as a mum of a 4yo who has overnights with her father and a 7mo whose father we live with) that your response to finding out she wasn't where you thought she'd be was a very very normal one, BUT that it was inappropriate for you to take it to him as you did.  You asked her father to have her overnight, and he did, and in a safe place where she came to no harm.  You say "all he has to do is keep mama happy" - sorry, NO, all he has to do is build and maintain a relationship with HIS DAUGHTER.  You are a much smaller part of the equation, their rights to one another are totally unrelated to your happiness.  He didn't do anything wrong, sure, it would have been nicer if he'd told you where she would be and stuck to it, but he isn't required to.  Yes, you tell him where SHE is, but you're not required to either and you choosing to do it doesn't mean he has to.

My DD has had overnights with her father since she was 4.5months old.  It was AGONY for me to allow that at first, really really hard.  But it was for their benefit, so they could get to know and love one another.  As a result he is a MUCH more responsible and engaged father than he would have been.  It didn't always make me happy, sometimes it made me downright UNhappy, but it has made my DD happy.  She is very close with a loving father, something which wouldn't have been possible without ample time together.  You seem to make the point that he doesn't do as much as you, that he hasn't bathed her often - my own father (very much married to my mother) only bathed me about twice in my life.  Despite this he is an excellent father, and is amongst my best friends as an adult.  To what end do you do everything until you're desperate for a break and need a night off?  Why not let him share in his child's life properly - my ex never asked for time with DD until she was about 2.5!  Until then i had to ask, insist even, that he have time with her.  It took him much longer due to his personality and the fact that we weren't physically living with him to form a deep bond with his DD, but he has, and it is massively to her benefit.  You want him to be the perfect father but you surely weren't the perfect mother instantly and he doesn't get much practice, certainly nothing like what you get.  Her going overnight to her father once or more a week (my DD goes Tues night/all day weds and sat night/all day sun) is not a failure on your part, a sign of weakness or inability, or you "giving in" to him, it is the basis of a long, loving relationship with her daddy for your DD.

My experience as a single mama and now a mama with a blended-&-extended family is that for my DD to get 100% of what she needs both her father and i have to suck it up about 90% of the time.  I do, financially, physically, in terms of discipline, WAY more than he does.  But i'm sure that would have been the case even if we'd stayed together and honestly, despite that my DD literally adores him and gets so so much out of her relationship with him, it is worth it.  She is worth it.  Just my 2c.

[Ceinwen]

My ex and I let each other know where we'll be with the kids - as a courtesy. We both like to know where they are, so that if we want to call and say goodnight we're not a) left feeling panicked when there's no answer or b) left feeling like an idiot afterwards. I'm not talking out and about during the day, but we both either send a text or quick call if we're going to be spending the night somewhere else. It takes five seconds, and like the pp, neither of us really care (as long as it's safe) - we just like to be in the loop about our kids.

[mamazee]

I think my brother and his ex use cell phones, so they don't have to worry about not being able to contact the kids.

[HollyBearsMom]

Ok I am totally confused.  He took his own child to his "wifes house".  Is it not his house/home??  Why was he taking the child to his mothers to spend the night? 

And if there is no legal agreement and he is in fact "control freak, possessive, emotional abuser, etc"  why do you let him take care of the child at all??

[Smithie]

And if there is no legal agreement and he is in fact "control freak, possessive, emotional abuser, etc"  why do you let him take care of the child at all??



dingdingding! We have a winner!

If he's a loathsome untrustworthy person, get. rid. of. him. Stop putting him in the coparent role by asking for money and giving him visitation.

If he is, in fact, an OK person and you were just freaked out and ticked off, then calm yourself and start treating him like a coparent, not an unpaid babysitter.

[ButterflyBaby11]

My daughter's dad has a new work schedule in which he's guarunteed every-other-weekend off.  I wanted to initiate an every-other-weekend visitation so he and our daughter could bond and spend more time together.  With that said...

I saw him today for the first time in a week.  I asked him, "Would you like to take our daughter on Saturday?  Go have some fun with her?  Take her bowling or something?"  He replied with "We'll see."  I told him, "I don't 'NEED' you to take her, but I thought you'd like to spend some time with her."  Again, "I'm not sure.  We'll see."  I decided that if he said "yes", I'd tell him to just keep her over night but to please, just tell me where she'll be sleeping.  I really have been nice to him!  I've suggested/offered him to take her in the past, offered to work holidays so he could take our daughter, etc.  He usually turns me down when I offer.  I don't understand the whole thing, I really don't. 

I must have come off as sounding really bad to all of you somehow.  I don't micro-manage his time with our daughter.  The only thing I requested was to know where my child would be sleeping---just for peace of mind.  In case of a worldly disaster (even though the chances are small).  I just wanted to know where my child would be sleeping.  I didn't specifically tell him that.  I asked where she would be sleeping and he told me "xyz"...only to change it and have her sleeping at "abc".  So, I'm thinking there was a lack of communication on MY part.  I should have, from the very beginning told him that it's important for me to know where she'll be sleeping.  I don't care where, but just let me know.  Now that it's had time to absorb, that was biggest mistake on my part....not communicating how important that was to me. 

I've always included him in parenting decisions.  "Should we cut her hair?  Should we put her in preschool?  How should we handle her picky eating habits?  What do you think?"  We talk and discuss how to raise our daughter.  We have a very civil/friendly relationship.  So him telling me where our child would be sleeping should have been a no-brainer with our relationship.  His biggest problem is his lying.   

Someone asked why he'd be at his mom's as opposed to his wifes/his house.  Like I said earlier, I think he and his wife are having issues and he was staying at his mom's house.  He told me that he and our daughter would spend the night with his mom.  Then it changed.  I had JUST text him, asking if I could say goodnight to our daughter (10pm).  He said our daughter was sleeping with his mother.  "The story" is that he left his mom's house at 10:30 to go to his house.  A simple text.  That's all.  (Or not to lie to begin with).  I went to sleep "knowing" where my baby girl was (who had never been away from me over night) and it was hog wash.  It upset me.

As for his controlling nature...it's just who he is.  He demands to know who my dates are.  Two separate dates told me that my daughter's dad showed up at their job and threatened them to stay away from me and his daughter.  (Two completely different guys said the exact same thing, you know?  So I'm thinking it really did happen.).  He didn't "allow" me to take our daughter to a Christmas party this past Christmas because he thought the neighborhood was too unsafe.  And there's many other instances that I'm drawing blanks with right now.  I can handle this stuff.  But I respect him and I expect the same from him, in regards to our daughter, where's she's at, etc.   

[enjoythesilence]

I didn't think you came off sounding bad, I can understand wanting to know where your child will be sleeping. I think the thing I don't get is why you are working with him if he is controlling and manipulative, and lies to you, and interferes in your life. That is abusive, and not a good example for your daughter. I understand wanting to be friendly and civil, but your ex is not being those things to you if he is scaring off men you are dating, and lying to you about things. He has no right to know who your dates are, let alone harassing them at their work.

  If I were you, I would document some of this stuff with either a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse, or a dv agency, and get some advice on how to proceed with the visitation, and your rights. If you can afford it, a consult with a lawyer would be good as well, and might help you decide what to do about the visitation.

[GoBecGo]

See, for us (every family looks different, i get that) visitation is a consistent time the child gets with her other parent.  It's not "cinema this weekend if dad feels like it", it's EVERY saturday night/all day sunday, EVERY tuesday night/all day wednesday and EVERY Thursday afternoon for 3 hours (though that's contact time, not visitation, so i'm there too).  I don't get why it's so ad hoc that your DD will never know if she's seeing dad or not unless you're working, y/k?  It seems like her access to him is set around your convenience (if you're working) and more so HIS convenience ("if he feels like it").  That's a weird set-up to me.  It should be around your DD having consistent, frequent time with both parents, no?  Who cares if he's excited about it?  He HAS to do it, he's her father.

And as i said, i think your internal reaction to not knowing where she slept is completely utterly normal.  I just think that if you didn't have other issues with him it would have been less of a concern for you - he wouldn't have declined to tell you, or lied as you call it (is it a lie?  It is a lie if he knew all along he was going to be in his marital home, but maybe he DID end up going over there late, maybe it WAS a last-minute thing, and maybe he DOESN'T want you getting in on his business as regards his marital issues...?).  If i found out after the event that my DD slept somewhere other than i thought she was going to i would want to throw up, but i know her dad would do such a thing out of unthinking oversight, not wilful lying/to hurt me so i wouldn't be mad at him about it.  I would agree that 10pm is late to say goodnight to a 4yo, and i would not call later than 8pm to say night night to my own DD even though she is sometimes up later at his house.  Basically i don't think you're coming off really bad, BUT i don't think the faults all lie with him either.

The controlling thing is a real issue.  What did you do when he went to see these men you were dating?  I would have confronted him, i would have been furious.  Ok, he says he never did it, it was a lie, i am "crazy" - i would tell him it's happened twice, if i hear it happens again i will take speak to a lawyer about stalking and getting an injunction, point out that the police could very easily figure out if it really happened or not.  It's a serious boundary issue.  I think in some ways you are giving him too MUCH say in how you raise his DD.  He gets to veto parties?  Did he take her to an alternative party in a safer neighbourhood?  I would have taken her to the party and told him i was sorry he didn't think where my friends live is safe but that i WILL be taking her to the home of people who love her to celebrate Christmas.  Being "involved" isn't being in control of someone else's actions.  My XP complained to me that DD wasn't seeing enough other kids (he wanted her in nursery because "everyone goes to nursery" and he feared a bad repercussion of not following the crowd - it didn't last, he's very happy we never put her in nursery now) i didn't rush off to enrol her in more groups, i told HIM that he had her 2 full days a week and was welcome to take her to groups on those days.  He didn't.  He stopped moaning to me about it.  Really if *I* have to take her to the dentist then i get to pick the dentist.  Take back control of your own affairs.  He can "demand" all he likes to know who your dates are - but it's none of his business and you don't have to tell him.  Don't tell him!  Don't "handle" that, correct it.  He can be controlling in general, but he can only control you if you allow him to.

[Smithie]

"I didn't think you came off sounding bad, I can understand wanting to know where your child will be sleeping. I think the thing I don't get is why you are working with him if he is controlling and manipulative, and lies to you, and interferes in your life. That is abusive, and not a good example for your daughter."

You don't sound like a bad mom or even a bad coparent, but you DO sound like somebody who is enmeshed in a very bad relationship dynamic that will have serious consequences for your DD if she grows up seeing that this is how men treat women, and learns that this is what she should tolerate from the men she is intimate with. 

If you think your DD is safe and happy in your ex's family's care, then the problem you need to address is strictly between you two. Don't. Talk. To. Him. About. Your. Life. If the stalky behaviors escalate after you cut off that communication, then you might end up calling the cops or going to court for a formal support and custody order. 

[happysmileylady]

I suggest you go ahead and never allow him to have overnights again.

Then, he will either get angry and dump the whole shebang, and your DD will never know her father.

Or, he will get angry and decide he wants something more formal.  He will get the DNA tests, get on the birth certificate and get regular, court ordered visitation.  Then, the next time you ask where your child will be sleeping, he will be within his legal rights to refuse to answer.

Or nothing at all will happen and your dd will grow up in what appears to be a not healthy dynamic for anyone.  Dealing with a teen in that sort of dynamic is going to be really tough.

Why, if you have his cell phone, does it MATTER where the child will be sleeping, as long as she's still with him (and obviously safe?)  "In case of worldly disaster" all you have to do is CALL and ASK.  "In case of worldly disaster," they could be anywhere.  At any given point, they could be at the ER because his mother slipped and fell.  At any given point, they could be dealing with any sort of minor emergency, which may not involve your daughter in any way, but might require that she NOT be where he said she would be sleeping. 

[TheSlingMama]

I just want to offer you hugs sugar.  I don't think you came off bad to me at all.  I understand.  My ex's scheduled day was the 1st and he asked to have her the evening of 31st as well (his family celebrates a Christmas then).  I arranged to make this happen and there was a tornado that morning.  Two hours before he was to pick her up I text him to let him know not to come until I gave him the all clear because we were moving to safety.  I kept him up to date with what was happening with us and the tornado.  It was over in time so that didn't effect our plans but it was common courtesy.  I don't care how late it was, he should have at least sent you a text message that said, "Hey, plans changed we'll be at home instead of Mom's."  The difference to me lies in the fact that you are custodial parent and he is not.  IMO, this means, if his plans with DD change drastically (they're sleeping somewhere different or dealing with a minor emergency) he should send you a text or call just to let you know.  If they plan on going to the zoo and then don't that's a different matter.  You, since you are the main parent, would in turn let him know if there were a serious disaster (such as my example with the tornado), were at the hospital, etc.  I 100% agree with the others though, he doesn't sound like a healthy parental figure at all and needs to get his act together for his dd.  He should have no right to tell you your dd can't go to a holiday party, harass your dates, or even ask unless it becomes serious.  (Even if it becomes serious what he would be entitled to know would be limited.)

[ButterflyBaby11]

Thank you again for your input. 

"If you think your DD is safe and happy in your ex's family's care, then the problem you need to address is strictly between you two. " 

She's happy.  I'm not too sure about the safe part sometimes.  He bought a new (used 1995) Caprice.  He threw the car seat in.  I asked him to take it to the police station for a car seat check.  He drove her for a week without me seeing him (he'd pick her up from the sitter and I didn't see him).  Yesterday he picked her up at my house.  He had the car seat in the middle.  None of the seat belts "locked".  He tied a knot in the belt to "secure" the seat.  When I bumped the side of the seat, it moved 6 inches across the back row.  I refused to let him drive her.  I took our daughter to work with me while he went to the police station to install the seat.  It took all of 30 minutes and he picked her up at my job and drove off in a properly installed car seat.  All he could tell me was that he hadn't had time to get the seat installed. 

When he dropped her off last night, her chest straps were so loose that I could have fit 2 children in the car seat. Today, I taped the lever that releases the straps.  I told him and our daughter that whoever is loosening the straps needs to STOP!  (It *could* be daughter loosening it.  But she doesn't do it in my car.  Either way, I taped it so fingers can't lift the lever to loosen it). 

This is a common occurance.  Her car seat is always wrong one way or another.  It's like he doesn't care.  *I* care.  I don't want my daughter killed or badly injured. 

At his house, the bedrooms are upstairs.  There is no fire escape.  There are windows, sure.  But the only way out is to jump and land on concrete from a second story window.  I've requested a "fire ladder" to be used upstairs when and if my daughter spends the night.  He doesn't care.  (That's where my daughter was, the night he lied to me.  Upstairs in an old farm house with no fire escape.  Had I known our daughter would be at his house, I would have requested (for what it's worth) that she stay downstairs in case there was a fire.  These are things we had talked about previously, anyway.  I care about my daughter.  I plan for what-if's.  Maybe I'm weird?). 

My daughter has told me that his house is dirty.  My daughter has contracted MRSA.  Doctor's orders are bleach batch twice daily to try to alliviate her from the painful boils all over her bottom.  He doesn't bathe her.  Last week, his mom bathed our daughter in the kitchen sink because the bathtub was too dirty.  MRSA can happen to anyone.  It can happen to people where houses are really clean.  But it really makes me wonder where/how she contracted it.  And nobody is helping me "care" for her and get rid of the problem, except for his mom I guess who bathes her in the kitchen sink. 

She had bread for dinner last night.  Just bread.  I asked her if she ever eats fruit at his house.  She said no.  I asked if there IS any fruit.  She said no.  She packed her lunch box with a banana, apple and yogurt to take with her. 

There is a long list of problems with him.  I've bit my tongue.  I've only complained about major issues, such as the car seat.  I stressed to him how important a fire escape is, if our daughter would ever spend the night upstairs in his house.  He apparently doesn't care. 

My best girlfriend told me to find another sitter,  to not let him have our daughter anymore if he can't be responsible (bathe her to keep the MRSA at bay, secure seat well, etc).  I don't want to tick anyone off.  I don't want to keep our daughter away from her father.  I don't want a legal dispute.  I really don't know what to do most of the time.  My gf also told me that I should perhaps involve dcfs?  That would make his blood boil.  Sigh.  I just don't know.  I'm low-income.  I make pennies more than minimum wage.  I'm a student.  I've called lawyers for consultations.  They charge $225/hour.  I turned to Legal Aid but I haven't been able to get thru on the phone.   

Maybe I'm just uptight?  Should I not voice an opinion about her carseat or having a way to escape a second story fire?  Not care if she's being bathed to help care for the MRSA she has?  Is this what you're supposed to do with visitation issues?  Just cross your fingers, pray and hope everything will be well?  Or do you speak up when things like this are not right? 

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 

Thank you again for your input. 

"If you think your DD is safe and happy in your ex's family's care, then the problem you need to address is strictly between you two. " 

She's happy.  I'm not too sure about the safe part sometimes.  He bought a new (used 1995) Caprice.  He threw the car seat in.  I asked him to take it to the police station for a car seat check.  He drove her for a week without me seeing him (he'd pick her up from the sitter and I didn't see him).  Yesterday he picked her up at my house.  He had the car seat in the middle.  None of the seat belts "locked".  He tied a knot in the belt to "secure" the seat.  When I bumped the side of the seat, it moved 6 inches across the back row.  I refused to let him drive her.  I took our daughter to work with me while he went to the police station to install the seat.  It took all of 30 minutes and he picked her up at my job and drove off in a properly installed car seat.  All he could tell me was that he hadn't had time to get the seat installed. 

When he dropped her off last night, her chest straps were so loose that I could have fit 2 children in the car seat. Today, I taped the lever that releases the straps.  I told him and our daughter that whoever is loosening the straps needs to STOP!  (It *could* be daughter loosening it.  But she doesn't do it in my car.  Either way, I taped it so fingers can't lift the lever to loosen it). 

This is a common occurance.  Her car seat is always wrong one way or another.  It's like he doesn't care.  *I* care.  I don't want my daughter killed or badly injured. 

At his house, the bedrooms are upstairs.  There is no fire escape.  There are windows, sure.  But the only way out is to jump and land on concrete from a second story window.  I've requested a "fire ladder" to be used upstairs when and if my daughter spends the night.  He doesn't care.  (That's where my daughter was, the night he lied to me.  Upstairs in an old farm house with no fire escape.  Had I known our daughter would be at his house, I would have requested (for what it's worth) that she stay downstairs in case there was a fire.  These are things we had talked about previously, anyway.  I care about my daughter.  I plan for what-if's.  Maybe I'm weird?). 

My daughter has told me that his house is dirty.  My daughter has contracted MRSA.  Doctor's orders are bleach batch twice daily to try to alliviate her from the painful boils all over her bottom.  He doesn't bathe her.  Last week, his mom bathed our daughter in the kitchen sink because the bathtub was too dirty.  MRSA can happen to anyone.  It can happen to people where houses are really clean.  But it really makes me wonder where/how she contracted it.  And nobody is helping me "care" for her and get rid of the problem, except for his mom I guess who bathes her in the kitchen sink. 

She had bread for dinner last night.  Just bread.  I asked her if she ever eats fruit at his house.  She said no.  I asked if there IS any fruit.  She said no.  She packed her lunch box with a banana, apple and yogurt to take with her. 

There is a long list of problems with him.  I've bit my tongue.  I've only complained about major issues, such as the car seat.  I stressed to him how important a fire escape is, if our daughter would ever spend the night upstairs in his house.  He apparently doesn't care. 

My best girlfriend told me to find another sitter,  to not let him have our daughter anymore if he can't be responsible (bathe her to keep the MRSA at bay, secure seat well, etc).  I don't want to tick anyone off.  I don't want to keep our daughter away from her father.  I don't want a legal dispute.  I really don't know what to do most of the time.  My gf also told me that I should perhaps involve dcfs?  That would make his blood boil.  Sigh.  I just don't know.  I'm low-income.  I make pennies more than minimum wage.  I'm a student.  I've called lawyers for consultations.  They charge $225/hour.  I turned to Legal Aid but I haven't been able to get thru on the phone.   

Maybe I'm just uptight?  Should I not voice an opinion about her carseat or having a way to escape a second story fire?  Not care if she's being bathed to help care for the MRSA she has?  Is this what you're supposed to do with visitation issues?  Just cross your fingers, pray and hope everything will be well?  Or do you speak up when things like this are not right? 

When she is in his care she is in his care.  No, you don't get to inspect his house and tell him all the stuff he has to fix before she can be there (unless there are drugs paraphernalia or guns in which case you inform the police).  There is no escape from MY house except out of windows onto patios - should my children be in care?  My XP lives in the first floor of a tenement!  They would have to jump 40feet onto pavement/road if there was a fire.  Fire is a very unlikely danger, and most people in the world live in a place where it would be very dangerous.  You cannot expect to be able to micromanage something like that.  If you really care to you can buy them a fire ladder, but if you do you still cannot force him to take it upstairs or guarantee it will be in the fire-free room if there is a fire.  The carseat thing is annoying, i agree.  The seat is installed properly now, if he had refused to fit it properly i would have waited until he drove off then called the police and reported an incorrectly restrained kid anonymously.  Problem solved.  Him not doing it immediately doesn't mean he doesn't care, it means he doesn't care about the same things YOU care about.  I agree that fire and car safety are very important - he seems to feel keeping strange men away from his DD is very important.  I'm sure there are plenty of victims of house fires and car accidents and plenty of people molested by a step-parent to back you both up, but the point is that it isn't YOUR business how he deals with the potential fire in his home and it isn't HIS business whether the people you expose your daughter to might or might not be harmful to her.  Unless harm is apparent there is nothing to answer - you cannot, either of you, live your lives according to the "mights" the other thinks up.  MRSA really can happen to anyone, and while i get that the bath being dirty is an issue, she has only once ever stayed there overnight, so perhaps he really feels it's better, since you're very particular about it, that YOU do the bleach bathing.  I certainly wouldn't want to bathe such a delicate area with bleach unless i was absolutely forced to for fear of doing it wrong.  Has he been shown how to do it?  My XP leaves the vast vast majority of medical things up to me - even when she had flu and a temperature he phoned me EVERY time to check the dosage of the ibuprofen to give her and double-check if this was the right time to give it.  FWIW in this house, with DP, *I* do all the medical care because it's safer (no chance of both of us giving medicine and causing accidental OD, because he NEVER gives it and would not unless i was physically absent for longer than manageable).

It is scary being a parent.  I know it.  But you cannot force him to prepare for every eventuality you can conceive.  You are treating him as if he's a terrible parent, i'm sure he feels it.  Have you considered his lack of effort might be due to fear of being berated by you for doing it wrong?  What if he came to your home and commented how dirty it was?  Or how dangerous?  We all have different standards, most people who suffer from it catch MRSA in one of the cleanest places - the hospital.  What if he came to your home and made comments about your dirty MRSA house?  What if he suggested since she probably got MRSA in your care (since she's usually IN your care) HE should have her from now on?  Do you see how hurtful it might be for him, and how tiring, being constantly treated like a danger to his child rather than a loving parent?  Maybe he DOES do these things, maybe that's why your dynamic is this way - because he criticises YOU.  

I mean really, i can't tell you how exhausting it is when my ex nags me about things.  For example he doesn't like to use OTC meds for fever.  Once when DD was 2 she got a fever of 106.5 and he STILL made very vocal disapprovals of me giving her paracetamol to try to bring it down a little.  He feels he is justified, he speaks up out of love.  I feel like crap to know he sees my love as harmful dangerous drugging of his precious child.  It's a terrible dynamic and we are still dealing with it EVERY time she gets sick.  The only time he's given her the full doses of medicine (as opposed to a third or half the recommended dose) was when she had mesenteric lymphadenitis and literally had just come out of hospital where we'd rushed her due to the agony she was in.  Even then i had to insist, her pain would come back if he didn't give her the medicine, the DOCTOR told us to give her the full dose of the medicine.  He was skeptical and argued but luckily he did it.  And yes, i had to leave her there that night not knowing if he would, or if i'd be rushing her back to the children's hospital in the early hours in agony again.  But he's her dad, and he has his rights to the same chance to make a total success/mess of it that i do.

Massive hugs to you, i know my posts probably aren't fun for you to digest.  But i do think you are making one another unhappier than necessary and that your DD will ultimately suffer for that, not to mention YOU suffering NOW from it.

[ButterflyBaby11]

GoBeckGo, yes that is a lot to digest.  I guess I never took any of that into consideration.  I've heard of things like this--the car seat, major safety stuff, etc--being agreed upon in court.  That's why I've been wondering if I should initiate legal action or not.  But I guess I've heard wrong. 

So, in a nutshell, I'm just supposed to allow him to have our daughter in unsafe situations (what I find to be unsafe such as the car seat and no second story fire escape) and just deal with it.  Shrug off the thought of my daughter dying because of his careless actions?  I guess it's really time to consult a high priced lawyer and get the facts straight.  If it's possible to specify these things in the visitation agreement, I think I will go legal. 

I'm a little confused I guess.  I've used this site for safety resources and parenting resources for a long time.  Parents here seem to be very knowledged with car seats and safety.  Her car seat wasn't "annoying".  She would have been dead if some idiot crashed into them. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 

GoBeckGo, yes that is a lot to digest.  I guess I never took any of that into consideration.  I've heard of things like this--the car seat, major safety stuff, etc--being agreed upon in court.  That's why I've been wondering if I should initiate legal action or not.  But I guess I've heard wrong. 

So, in a nutshell, I'm just supposed to allow him to have our daughter in unsafe situations (what I find to be unsafe such as the car seat and no second story fire escape) and just deal with it.  Shrug off the thought of my daughter dying because of his careless actions?  I guess it's really time to consult a high priced lawyer and get the facts straight.  If it's possible to specify these things in the visitation agreement, I think I will go legal. 

I'm a little confused I guess.  I've used this site for safety resources and parenting resources for a long time.  Parents here seem to be very knowledged with car seats and safety.  Her car seat wasn't "annoying".  She would have been dead if some idiot crashed into them. 

The car seat is bad news bears.  The second story fire escape?  No judge is going to put that in a custody order. (I just graduated law school and went through HELL in a custody battle that ended in September)  I have a fire escape, but I live on the SEVENTH floor, and its not even in my bedroom - god forbid theres a fire in my kitchen cause I'd never get out and neither would my son.  But, I can't worry about it b/c its the only place I've got to live right now.  My ex  doesn't have a fire escape, and he lives on the second floor, and doesn't even have access to the first floor b/c he's in an apartment too.  My ex's family lives in a huge old house that is great, but all bedrooms are on the second floor, and there are no fire escapes.  Its very uncommon for fire escapes to be present in single family homes, you're going to have to get over it. 

The car seat, its dangerous, and not a good idea, but one thing I've had to learn, and its HARD to learn, is that I have to let go.  When my ds is with his dad, he is loved, and cared for, and taken care of. 

That said, my ex does listen about certain things - like how to put on the carseat straps when ds is wearing his coat, and he actually CARES.

If you do not feel like you dd is safe, you need to limit contact.  But you use this man as her babysitter - so which is it?  I would NEVER leave my ds in the care of a babysitter I didn't trust - not willingly anyway.  Is there a court ordered visitation plan?  If not, you have no legal obligation to let him in her life.  But since you've been allowing it, it would be hard to argue in court against not allowing it now.  Really, I think you should focus on just a few things.  Show him how to use the carseat (do not physically alter it though - thats overstepping), explain how important it is, but in a nice, concerned mom way.

And about the guys you are dating - you shouldn't even be telling him who you're dating.  None of his business.  NONE.  Practice changing the subject, "So, did you know dd can do______  It's hilarious!!"  He can't force you to tell him anything, b/c you can turn around and walk the other way.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 

GoBeckGo, yes that is a lot to digest.  I guess I never took any of that into consideration.  I've heard of things like this--the car seat, major safety stuff, etc--being agreed upon in court.  That's why I've been wondering if I should initiate legal action or not.  But I guess I've heard wrong. 

So, in a nutshell, I'm just supposed to allow him to have our daughter in unsafe situations (what I find to be unsafe such as the car seat and no second story fire escape) and just deal with it.  Shrug off the thought of my daughter dying because of his careless actions?  I guess it's really time to consult a high priced lawyer and get the facts straight.  If it's possible to specify these things in the visitation agreement, I think I will go legal. 

I'm a little confused I guess.  I've used this site for safety resources and parenting resources for a long time.  Parents here seem to be very knowledged with car seats and safety.  Her car seat wasn't "annoying".  She would have been dead if some idiot crashed into them. 

Some things you MIGHT be able to specify with a legal agreement, but remember that works both ways and there may be things HE wants specified which he will get (and depending on the judge your chosen parenting style might get held under a microscope - for example not everyone thinks CLW and co-sleeping are good for the child and not every judge wants to be educated on such matters).  Co-parenting is a two-way street, whether you go the legal route or not, an expensive lawyer will not necessarily be able to get you everything the way you want it unless your ex agrees, and if he agrees why line the lawyers pockets?

I definitely think you were absolutely right to insist he did the LEGALLY REQUIRED thing and get his carseat properly fitted, and he has.  But i also know lots of people (i'm one of them) who was driven around unrestrained for most of our childhoods and didn't die, and so it's possible he doesn't feel as passionately about it as you do.  It is illegal for him to drive her unrestrained, but it is not being a bad father to not feel it is his first and major priority.  The fact is that sometimes restrained children die, and sometimes unrestrained children do not, it isn't as black and white as "if someone had hit them she would have died" and he probably doesn't think someone will hit them.  I'm not saying that attitude is correct, only that it's common, normal for many people, and NOT an indication of a lack of caring or love.  The issue is resolved, the seat is properly installed, so you don't need to worry about it now, thank goodness.  

I want to share with you some things which have happened to my daughter.  She once ran into a doorframe and smacked her head and blacked both eyes in the care of me and DP.  She once lifted a hot coal out of a lit fire (though was miraculously unharmed unlike the rug she dropped it onto!) in the care of me and DP.  She once climbed into a scalding hot bath, fully clothed, and narrowly missed burning both her legs to the mid-calf in the care of XP and myself (bath was running, i was sorting her night time drink, he was fetching her pyjamas, i thought he had her, he thought i had her).  She once had shampoo poured directly from the bottle into her eye (accidentally of course) by me.  She once ran across a carpark, tripped and scraped 3 inches of skin of each knee in XP's care.  I love her.  XP loves her.  DP loves her.  Accidents happen.  Mistakes are made.  You cannot prevent EVERY accident, you can only do your best.  Your best might not be good enough, i know mine hasn't been on more than one occasion, yet i don't feel this should warrant me having to be micromanaged by XP or face a legal fight to see my kid.  When these things happen to DD whoever was looking after her feels deep and terrible regret.  The other two parents invariably reassure the one who was in charge, and comfort them.  I told XP when she skinned her knees "hey, remember when she lifted that coal out of the fire we didn't think she could get to!" and he said "at least that never physically hurt her" and i said "maybe next time" and smiled and we were ok again.  He might have been the wrong partner for me but i know he's the right daddy for DD, not because he is perfect, but because he wants to be there for her, he loves her.  Hard as it was to begin with, i have to have faith that he's trying his best, and that her father's best is adequate for her.  Obviously if he was getting terribly drunk or doing drugs while responsible for her, not feeding her (my DD once told me her dada never gave her anything for lunch or dinner and upon enquiry i found she had had baked beans and cheese on 2 slices of wholemeal toast, a carrot, 2 apples, a bowl of pasta and veggies and a big hunk of cheese - when i mentioned that to her she said "well APART from that he never gave me ANYTHING!") or there was clear-cut abuse things would be different, but him just not having the same priorities as me and not doing things the way i do them, doesn't mean anything, however much it annoys me.

So i think when there is a clear issue like the carseat you're right to do the needful to get it fixed (like refuse to let him take her until he gets it fixed which he did right away), but things like the eating habits and the fire ladder?  I'm sorry, but yes, gently, i think you just have to get over it.