Am I overreacting or just being a mother? - Page 3

[aricha]

GoBecGo expressed my opinion nearly exactly.

When we went from an informal custody agreement between two never-married parents to a formal, legal custody agreement, our lawyer was VERY clear about the concept that restrictions go both ways, and that we should not ask for anything we are not willing to give ourselves. So if we want her mom to have to get the okay from dad to take her to any extra-curricular activity, we had to be willing to do the same. If we wanted mom to need written consent for travel outside her home state, we had to be willing to get the same. If we want mom to give my husband contact information in advance every time their daughter would be sleeping away from home, we had to be willing to share the same information on the same timeline every single time. There are some things that my husband still chose to require, but knowing that it was going to go both ways really helped us to prioritize the things that should require consent and agreement and which things we'd rather be left to our own good judgement.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 

My daughter has told me that his house is dirty.  

She had bread for dinner last night.  Just bread.  I asked her if she ever eats fruit at his house.  She said no.  I asked if there IS any fruit.  She said no.  She packed her lunch box with a banana, apple and yogurt to take with her. 

 When dss was 4 his grandmother asked him why he peed his pants at our house.  Not sure how it came up.  He told her because I put him in time-out in his room and wouldn't let him out to go to the bathroom.  Just so you know, that never happened.

When he was 6 he told me his mom wouldn't let him ride his bike when I asked how he liked his new bike that dad bought him.  Also not true.

When children are put on the spot they will say what they think you want to hear or what will make you less angry with them.

So, she said his house is dirty, maybe something, like the bathtub was dirty and she didn't like it.  So she says his house is dirty.  You were upset that she had only bread for dinner.  Did she tell you that or did he?  Because if it came from her, he may have offered other food that she didn't like so she only ate the bread.  Or maybe you had something at the house she wanted and she figured that she had to tell you something so you would think she was hungry.  Or maybe she had a sandwich but only remembered the bread.  Or maybe she had a huge lunch and only wanted a snack at dinner time.  You see what I'm saying.  Maybe she didn't know there was fruit at his house.  I mean if it's canned fruit as opposed to fresh she may not have even know where to look for the fruit.  See.

All I'm saying is that children tend to see things from a skewed perspective and when put on the spot will fill in the holes with whatever they think sounds right.  Asking leading question gets this result almost every time.  For instance, she comes home and says she's hungry, you say, "what did you have for dinner?"  She says "bread".  My next question wouldn't be, "so all you had for dinner was bread?", it would be, "oh what kind of bread was it?  Did you like it?  Did you put butter on your bread?" etc.  Expanding on what she told me to get to what actually happened.  If she said something about not having fruit my next question will be, "how do you know daddy didn't have any fruit?" 

I happen to agree with the others, you seem to think that being her mother means you can control what happens when she's with her father.  The fact is, legally, you can't.  Right now you can, but if you push it and he wises up and gets a legal CO in place, you lose that right.  I know you care for your dd, but it seems to me that you are allowing your personal feelings for her dad to affect your perception of his parenting. It seems that you are looking for things he is doing wrong.

[Smithie]

"I guess it's really time to consult a high priced lawyer and get the facts straight..."

... it really is. I agree with most of what's said here re: you can't control what happens to your child when she's with her other parent, but legally, of course, this child HAS no other parent right now. Should she? It's worth a conversation with a lawyer, in which you are scrupulously honest about all details of the situation, to help you get clear on that question.

[Ceinwen]

This is excellent advice, and very similar to what I got from my attorney. I had reams of little issues and things that I was gung-ho for, and he very quickly pointed out that formalizing some of these things would make EVERYONE'S life more difficult in the end. Like the pp's husband, some things I considered important enough that it didn't matter to me that it placed the same restrictions on my life. Other things I went, "Hmmmmm. Not so important".
 

Originally Posted by aricha 

GoBecGo expressed my opinion nearly exactly.

When we went from an informal custody agreement between two never-married parents to a formal, legal custody agreement, our lawyer was VERY clear about the concept that restrictions go both ways, and that we should not ask for anything we are not willing to give ourselves. So if we want her mom to have to get the okay from dad to take her to any extra-curricular activity, we had to be willing to do the same. If we wanted mom to need written consent for travel outside her home state, we had to be willing to get the same. If we want mom to give my husband contact information in advance every time their daughter would be sleeping away from home, we had to be willing to share the same information on the same timeline every single time. There are some things that my husband still chose to require, but knowing that it was going to go both ways really helped us to prioritize the things that should require consent and agreement and which things we'd rather be left to our own good judgement.

[KBG8]

DNA doesn't make a father.  If you trusted him with her and he lied about where she was... imagine if something had happened to you or her and you could not get to her...

I would never trust him again.  Sorry.

[ButterflyBaby11]

Hey, thanks again for the replies.  I have spoken to a lawyer and I know better where I stand and what agreements can be put into the legal agreement. 

I understand a three-year-old's perspective may be skewed.  Someone asked if her dad or if she told me she had bread for dinner.  This time, it was my child who told me that.  In the past, he had told me she had "noodles" for dinner because she liked them.  He thought plain white noodles were healthy.  I didn't "fight" him on that.  I only "fight" on the big issues, like the car seat and general safety.  So when she says she had "bread" for dinner, I do completely believe her. 

My three-year-old has told me that elephants were walking in our bedroom.  She's told me numerous things and I know I have to pick and choose what is fact and fiction.  I don't ask her leading questions.  She's told people that I leave her home alone and our dog babysits her.  (Completely false, just for the record).  So I do realise that you have to be careful listening to a three-year-old.  Having "just bread" is not something that I bark about with him.  I just roll my eyes and prepare a healthy meal for my daughter and encourage her to eat better things when she is with her dad. 

I have seen his mom's house so I can vouche for my daughter's honesty there.  I have a couple of other reasons to question his house.  I don't care other than the fact that our daughter has MRSA and I can't fight her condition alone.  She needs a bath, at the very minimum, when he has her.  He had her for 2 days last week (8 hours each day) and no baths.  I called his mother today and told her that DD needs a bath every night when she is with him, asked her to please pass on the information to his wife.  Telling him anything is useless, so I will continue going to the women so my daughter is actually "cared" for.  Honest to God, he just sits on his butt and lets the women take care of our daughter.  His own mother even agrees--that's what he does.  Honest to God, he is never alone with our daughter.  He can't do it!  He has to be with his mom or his wife because they are the one's who take care of her.  (I joke how I'd like to see all the women vanish and leave him home alone with his daughter for a week....he would surely lose his mind).  So, anyway, hopefully talking to his mom (and her passing info onto his wife), my baby will get a bath from now on.   

I only bark when my child's health or safety is an issue.  The smaller things, well, that's what girlfriends and margaritas are for ;)    

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 

Hey, thanks again for the replies.  I have spoken to a lawyer and I know better where I stand and what agreements can be put into the legal agreement. 

I understand a three-year-old's perspective may be skewed.  Someone asked if her dad or if she told me she had bread for dinner.  This time, it was my child who told me that.  In the past, he had told me she had "noodles" for dinner because she liked them.  He thought plain white noodles were healthy.  I didn't "fight" him on that.  I only "fight" on the big issues, like the car seat and general safety.  So when she says she had "bread" for dinner, I do completely believe her. 

My three-year-old has told me that elephants were walking in our bedroom.  She's told me numerous things and I know I have to pick and choose what is fact and fiction.  I don't ask her leading questions.  She's told people that I leave her home alone and our dog babysits her.  (Completely false, just for the record).  So I do realise that you have to be careful listening to a three-year-old.  Having "just bread" is not something that I bark about with him.  I just roll my eyes and prepare a healthy meal for my daughter and encourage her to eat better things when she is with her dad. 

I have seen his mom's house so I can vouche for my daughter's honesty there.  I have a couple of other reasons to question his house.  I don't care other than the fact that our daughter has MRSA and I can't fight her condition alone.  She needs a bath, at the very minimum, when he has her.  He had her for 2 days last week (8 hours each day) and no baths.  I called his mother today and told her that DD needs a bath every night when she is with him, asked her to please pass on the information to his wife.  Telling him anything is useless, so I will continue going to the women so my daughter is actually "cared" for.  Honest to God, he just sits on his butt and lets the women take care of our daughter.  His own mother even agrees--that's what he does.  Honest to God, he is never alone with our daughter.  He can't do it!  He has to be with his mom or his wife because they are the one's who take care of her.  (I joke how I'd like to see all the women vanish and leave him home alone with his daughter for a week....he would surely lose his mind).  So, anyway, hopefully talking to his mom (and her passing info onto his wife), my baby will get a bath from now on.   

I only bark when my child's health or safety is an issue.  The smaller things, well, that's what girlfriends and margaritas are for ;)    

I'm glad you were able to speak with a lawyer.  DH was relieved when he spoke with a lawyer about his rights, and his ex was shocked when she spoke to a lawyer about what she could do.  We found the dh honestly didn't know most of his rights, and ex was actually over estimating her control in the situation.  So I think it's always best to get a professional to weigh in.  I wish the law were simple enough that anyone could figure it out. 

Did you get a free consult, or did you have to come out money for it?  I know sometimes they have free consultations. 

Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm glad you were able to consult with someone who could give you real answers.

[victoriasmommy86]

While it is upsetting to be lied to, if you do anything drastic.... it could get worse.

by this I mean he could decide to take you to court & ask to keep your DD every other weekend.. and a month in the summer. and every other holiday.. If he is the vile person you say, he would be doing this just to be mean & possesive... and while she was in his care at those times weekend, she might not be provided for at the care level you would like. she might be pawned off on someone else while he does something more fun.

and even if you bring all of these matters (her not bathing, feeding her correctly) he could say you are lying, it would take alot of time and real evidence for the court order to be changed... in the meantime there would be nothing you could do legally.

if there is ANY way.. you can kinda manage him & keep your DD outta his hands on your terms... that would be better than what most likely would happen if you went to court...

of course he might bugger off at the prospect of paying court ordered child support.. & if he is an abuser then you'd be better off but.... itsa big risk.

[vivvysue]

i would think that having a serious medical issue suchas mrsa would be plenty good reason enough to ensure that any court order require a certain level of care and monitoring. my dear grand neice has this and it has been a nightmare for her mama. something as simple as a teeny diaper rash when she was a baby could turn into a huge medical problem almost overnight, so you seem totally justified in that area. i know i would be hyper careful and sensitive to cleanliness matters if it were the case with any child in my care. not only for their health but for everyone around them as well.

iam glad that you spoke with an attorney and know where you stand a bit better.

good luck to you, and keep us posted here on how things go, i hope that your ex begins to see the seriousness of your dd's medical condition and acts accordingly. is there any way that you two could take her to an appointment together where you could have the dr. explain it to your ex, so you arent being accused or blamed for being over-reactive or silly in your requests? that way is is coming from the "horse's mouth" so to speak and he can ask any questions he likes and then in future not be able to claim not knowing the facts or the proper care and attention required.

cheers, vs

[dalia]

Sending you hugs. Honestly it sounds to me that you know what you need to do and I don't blame you in the least for being concerned for your child's safety. This forum is supposed to be for support and while I think we need to be honest it can just get so judgmental and snarky sometimes. I don't get it. No one here knows you or can have the full story of your situation from one post. Do what you know is right, girlfriend!

[Jmagsmommy06]

Mama I TOTALLY agree with you because I can sooo relate to what you are saying .... My ex was/is a glorified babysitter. A father is more than someone who watches their kid for a couple hours and gives you a little money to help take care of THEIR child. A father is involved with doing things with the child, activities as well as daily needs which my ex still cannot seem to do such as baths, clipping nails, cleaning ears, putting lotion on a child with very dry and sensitive skin ect. You are the mother and you have EVERY right to be upset because you didn't know where your child was. It was as simple as him picking up the phone and saying "hey, there has been a change of plans, just wanted to let you know we were going to be at _____ instead of moms", not that hard and should have been done. And the comment that was made about it being a pity that you used him for childcare and took money from him ... that's the most ridiculous thing I have heard .... He is the child's Father ... you don't use someone who should step up and take responsibility for their child ... I mean REALLY .... My ex didn't pay cs for 2 yrs and I still allowed him to see my son because regardless of my opinion of him, he is still my son's father and my son doesn't understand ... He moaned and complained because he didn't get to see him as much as he wanted to After he started seeing his current wife (coincidence) huh. He was allowed to have him every weekend overnight until she moved in, and those were the main days he was able to spend with him, keep in mind his complaining, yet on several occasions, while I was working my SECOND job, he called to see if I could leave work early so he could go hang out with his buddies, when I said I couldn't, he called my dad and had him watch him. Whenever it was convenient for him to keep him is when he did ... You did not overreact , I would have done the same thing ... and depending on what state you live in, if he is not on the BC, he doesn't have any rights until a judge says otherwise ... 

[vivvysue]

i missed that comment about using him for money but taking his child care or what have you and i dont think that is neccesary, with a little more information on the table it does make sense why you woud want to know where you child was sleeping and what they arrangements are when he has her. bathing and other normal everyday activities are a little more than that for your dd when you consider that the slightest cut or rash or irritation or what have you can blossom into something a lot more serious. when that is factored into the equation it changes everything. my grandneice has msra and it has been so difficult for her mom.

with that information in hand as i am sure you talked to your/the lawyer about, it changes a lot of things in that you would be able to have a more direct control or say in and about, especially the conditions in which she is to be staying and who and how she is being cared for. mrsa is serious and the people caring for her have to be on board with what you as her usual care giver and therefore "expert" in her personal needs and idiosyncrisis <<sp? you do know what is best and what works best for her in this situation.

i still think it might be a good idea to have her father attend an appointment and maybe his mother too, with your dd's doctor so that they can be given the information about her condition and their responsibilities in her care needs, especially regarding cleanliness. it might help in that you dont come across as the bossy ex, rather the doctor is the "expert" opinion that they would probably have a little more inclination to listen to. some exes are great but others see any input or info from their ex-wife as interfereing or all manner of negative adgectives kwim. the doctor takes you out of the picture rather and hopefully they would get on board with you.

good luck,

vs