Is he being too tough?

[all4her]

Edited by all4her - 1/6/11 at 1:25pm

[Vermillion]

Ugh. First of all, I am so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this   And yes, it totally sounds like he is being too tough, and has some very unreasonable expectations of your daughter!   Really he sounds very emotionally abusive to both of you  

Reading through your post all I can think is LEAVE THIS MAN! But then I start to think about the repercussions of that...  Do you think you would get full custody? If not, do you trust him alone with her??

There’s a lot to consider here. While I’d want to get as far away from this man as possible, I would strongly suggest having your ducks in a  row first, you know? 

Has he ever had any counseling? Do you think he’d be open to it? 

Best of luck to you! Sending lots of good thoughts~

[mom2happy]

I would try counseling first before making a decision like this.

He sounds like he really needs help controlling anger. Would he be open to reading some books about what to expect for this age? He sounds like he knows nothing about children and even resorts to acting like one when he doesn't get what he wants.

Discipline is a common problem in marriages and I think it can be worked out.

DH and I have a different discipline style. I have much more tolerance and explain more; he has a shorter fuse. The kids get it and its OK. They are not afraid of him, but would rather he not scold them. Sometimes when we are all together they will see how far they can go, but I try really hard not to undermine DH, because he usually is pretty fair.

 As far as your DH calling you names and throwing things, that is all up to him to fix. If he cant get that under control, I would leave.

When DH and I were married he would throw things around and break things when he was mad. After we had a baby, I told him if he did that in front of her, I would leave him. He got the message and was able to stop. I think he kind of grew out of it too.

That was a teenage thing he was allowed to get away with. His mother thought this was normal boy behavior.

He still has anger problems but he is so much better than he used to be. He did go to counseling. That and becoming more mature has helped.

I also want to mention - he NEVER aimed anything at me. He would always go far away from me and punch something. I never once felt in danger. I always knew 100% that he would never hurt me. If there is a part of you that is unsure about that, then this situation could be worse than I think.

[nextcommercial]

I would absolutely go to family counseling.  He has issues that he feels he can justify.  Some people think that "If you make me angry, it's your fault".  But, he also seems to have some control issues too.  Not letting her talk to strangers will create huge trust issues for her.   There's no reason for her to grow up thinking complete strangers want to kidnap her, hurt her or worse.  

Perhaps he has something in his past that has caused this anxiety????  All kids play rough, all kids get hurt, it's not a big deal.  But, for some reason, to him it is.  Can you think of a big event that happened in his life to create how he sees the world?  

[nola79]

He is mistreating your daughter. I do not feel that falls under being a "tough disciplinarian." I would probably leave, but you have to decide what's best for you. Counseling sounds in order,if he'll go.

[ssh]

I wouldn't live with some one who didn't show me respect. My DH was having stress over being unemployed and was being snappy and raising his voice abit. I told him that we could only expect other people to treat our DD with the amount of respect we treated her so I expected him to be as respectful to her as he was to me or any adult. Then we talked about the issues giving him stress.

The point is if some one doesn't respect you and your DD how can you have a life with them. If your DH is willing to go to couselling or anger management classes, maybe there's a chance. But the special father daughter moments combined with the disrespect and meanness is probably more harmful to your DD than him just being mean would be. She's associating the love and cruelty in her mind and thinking it's normal. I know I wouldn't want my DD to think that combination was ok in any way.
 

Originally Posted by all4her   It's like a total lack of respect for me and her.

[Eresh]

  It sounds like you're in a really tough situation.

I know everyone talks about how having a father around is really important, but it's also important to consider that your daughter is learning how to manage her emotions from her father.  We know from studies that fathers have a much greater impact on this than mothers do.  Possibly even worse, the relationship she establishes with her father will model relationships she has with men when she is grown.  So if she is in a relationship with her father where he yells at her, breaks her things, denies her emotions, and explodes in anger whenever she crosses artificial "lines", she's being set up to enter into abusive relationships as an adult.  My advice would be to lay down an ultimatum that either he gets therapy and shows improvement or you and your daughter leave him.  Good luck.

[ScottyG]

So sorry to hear of your situation, and sounds like you're getting great advice here.  I just wanted to add that both things could be an option; if you're really worried about how he treats your daughter, and feel as if you need to move into a new apartment to protect her, then I would look into doing just that... but that doesn't rule out counseling or therapy.  I would think (though I don't have personal experience in this realm) that might be ideal... therapy tends to work best when everyone involved feels safe, and if you don't feel safe in your current situation, I'd think it'd be best to deal with your daughter's problem first, then approach the father nicely about trying to work it out in therapy.  That would let him know how serious you are about this problem, but also how serious you are about wanting to work it out.

(disclaimer: I have NO experience in this... please think of my advice as what an uninformed friend might say... not as a voice of experience or knowledge)

[homestyle]

Originally Posted by ssh 

 But the special father daughter moments combined with the disrespect and meanness is probably more harmful to your DD than him just being mean would be. She's associating the love and cruelty in her mind and thinking it's normal. I know I wouldn't want my DD to think that combination was ok in any way.

I think this is so spot-on. 

It sounds like you are in a hard place, OP, but there's a lot of good advice. I hope you can move forward and improve things --- for your daughter and for yourself. 

[lookatreestar]

that is such a hard situation OP, my heart goes out to you. i understand unfortunately, my dh is from a different culture and is sometimes so strict and about the smallest/dumbest things. he gets SO bent out of shape if our dd "disrespects" him when he does it to her all the time. he refuses to read any parenting books or listen when i talk about parenting stuff. i think part of it is stubborn but the other part is stress and he is just emotionally not around. yeah i get that it is hard to be a parent and change your ways from the "normal" way and what you grew up with. but you just do it because you want the best for you kids. and yes i get what you mean about living alone would be easier and stress free. that's how it is around here, then when dh gets home things just suck and that just makes me sad because i wish it wasn't that way. (he doesn't throw things, but rather doesn't do much of anything at all) but honestly you can't change him, he has to want to change! i think its always good to keep your head clear (unemotional) and keep your options open. network with other moms, have some money in your own bank account, have a back up plan if you need to go to work to support you and dd etc. 

[all4her]

Thank you so much...great advice :)