Feeling really manipulated.

[HeliMom]

I think i just may be venting, but here goes.

Background items first: My father and mother divorced approximately 4 years ago.Before my parents divorced my father began dating his now fiance in secret.  Almost two years ago I moved my family in with my mother so that I could help her with the overwhelming responsibilities of the house, provide emotional support, and have the benefit of having a multigenerational environment for my daughter. Also I am a very emotional person with no poker face. If I'm thinking it you know it even if I'm trying to keep it underwraps.

My dad is getting married at the beginning of next month.  Aside from yesterday,  the last time I spoke with my father about the wedding, i explained to him that I loved him and that I thought his fiance wasn't a horrible person, but that I didn't think I could come to his wedding let alone be his "best man".  I felt awful and appoligized profusely but I explained that if i was in the wedding it would be obvious that I wasn't happy and that it was his day and he deserved to have a happy drama free day. He said he was sad  and that he hoped I would change my mind but that he understood. I asked him if his fiance knew how I felt. He said that he tells her everything, and that she is sad but that she's emotional like I am.

Fast forward to yesterday. I am at his house with my daughter visiting him/caring for him since he just had major heart surgery. My day has been in incredible pain since the surgery but always seems to do better when my daughter is there.  At one point fiance is showing off pictures of the wedding planning (dresses etc) and she asks my daughter if she's like to wear a pretty dress and toss flowers at her wedding. My daughter is fully aware of how fun it is to be a flower girl ( she's been one 3x in the past 2 years) so DD gets exctied and says yes happily. My father's eyes light up and he looks at me. I felt like a deer in the headlights.  I was flustered and shocked.  No one asked me first, and in fact they knew I didn't think I'd be coming to the wedding. 

I feel so ambushed. I'm so angry.  I feel so manipulated.

I managed to say I guess if DD wants to she can do that. My Dad then started saying he'll pay for our dresses and that he'll call around to find one in my size at such short notice.  I am shocked and silent. My dad looks so happy, I can't bring myself to make a scene but I'm obviously upset. Luckily DD takes this moment to state she wants to go home. I grab my stuff quickly and leave.

I know myself, I know I'll be a mess at the wedding. I know if anyone approaches me to take about the "happy day"  all I will be able to think about is how this "love" bloomed at the expense of my mother's sanity.  I know I will not be able to hide my sadness.  I love my father no matter what, and i actually think his fiance is an okay lady. I  just don't know if i can pull of happy for them.  I don't want to ruin my dad's day, but at the same time this day just feels like the final nail in the coffin of my family. 

I really don't need the advice of grin and suck it up.  If i could do that I wouldn't be so damn upset/ scared in the first place.  I don't want to hurt my dad. Argh but how to deal with his?

[2xy]

Originally Posted by HeliMom 

I really don't need the advice of grin and suck it up.  If i could do that I wouldn't be so damn upset/ scared in the first place.  I don't want to hurt my dad. Argh but how to deal with his?

Well, you sort of have two options....be in the wedding, or don't. Either way, you'll be hurting your dad, it seems. But by being in the wedding you'll be hurting your dad in front of all the wedding guests if you make a scene. In your situation, I would elect to NOT be in the wedding.

Also, it's been four years since your parents split? I think maybe you should look into a bit of therapy to help yourself accept what is. And yes, you were manipulated by your father and his fiancee. It sounds like you care more about what other people want than what you want. I don't know how old you are, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and worry less about pleasing others at your expense.

Revisiting the notion of hurting your dad....he didn't seem to think twice about upsetting you.

[Adaline'sMama]

Do you have any brothers or sisters that will be attending? What about anyone else in your family that your daughter is close to? Personally, I would not go, and Id probably give my father a piece of my mind about how manipulative is actions were. However, your daughter is his grandaughter, and I feel that if he has asked her to be the flower girl, you should let her do it. I know you arent ready for him to get married again, but she really has no opinion and she will have a good time and it will please your dad. If at all possible I would send her with a close relative, let her be the flower girl, and stay home.

[sapphire_chan]

You blew your chance to give the best response. "Oh, dd, we're not going to their wedding, so you can't be a flower girl, do you want to tell grandpa and Fiance about the time you were a flower girl in so-and-so's wedding?"

[laohaire]

Here's just an answer to have in your head for ANY time you feel like a deer in the headlights - "I will think about it." If it's hard for you to say no in the moment, it can buy you time to work out your no answer.

How do you feel about your daughter being flower girl? Can you live with that? If that is a problem, you can look your father in the eye and say "you guys totally ambushed me. I know I said ok to her being a flower girl, and I shouldn't have, we need to get this straightened out. And I NEVER said I would stand up with you, I've been completely honest and upfront about that the entire time."

Or, you can simply say "I said ok to DD being a flower girl, but I've been consistent about me not being able to stand up with you. I'm not sure where you heard otherwise, but I've made my position clear."

It's ok to say no to being "best man." You don't have to have ironclad reasons for it - I'm not saying you don't, I'm just saying this in case you're worried that your reasons aren't good enough because that's irrelevant. It's not a command performance, it's a request, and you are free to decline.

If he pushes hard, realize that it's him creating the drama. Even tell him that - "Dad, why does this need to be a drama?"

[HeliMom]

Originally Posted by 2xy 

Also, it's been four years since your parents split? I think maybe you should look into a bit of therapy to help yourself accept what is. And yes, you were manipulated by your father and his fiancee. It sounds like you care more about what other people want than what you want. I don't know how old you are, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and worry less about pleasing others at your expense.

Revisiting the notion of hurting your dad....he didn't seem to think twice about upsetting you.

You are absolutely right that I am having boundary issues right now.  Since my dad's sudden heart surgery, I've been realizing that he won't be around forever and that I should try to humor him as best I can. As for therapy  I know exactly why I can't get over my parent's divorce and my father leaving my mom.  I found my mom unconscious after a failed suicide attempt.  Which is part of the reason I moved my family in with her.  She has been working on her depression and it had been getting much better but the news of my father's wedding has sent her into a relapse. I don't blame my father for her pain but at the same time I can't disassociate it from his new relationship just yet.
 

It's also not so much that my dad doesn't mind upsetting me, he's extremely socially inept (profound gifteness can do that to a person).  I love my dad, with all his faults.  I am usually quite open and honest about things and i regularly call him out if he's being inappropriate. I guess I see this all as my inability to  play the "good daughter" despite my emotions.   I really do want to be there for him.  I'm just an emotional basket case, and my being full of pregnancy hormones isn't helping either.

[A&A]

FWIW, my dh didn't go to his dad's wedding when FIL married the "other woman."  (Even though his dad had paid for him to have a tux, etc.) 

It's a totally normal reaction. 

But, your dd is excited.  So I like the plan about her going with another relative, if you're ok with that.

[Linda on the move]

I second the vote for you to get into counseling yourself. This is very, very heavy stuff.

If you back out of the wedding, your dd will be upset, but she'll get over it.

I couldn't go to the wedding. And I would be very frank about why. I'd be setting clear boundaries with future step mom, because she is clearly a person who needs boundaries.

Asking a child to be a flower girl knowing the mom doesn't want to come to the wedding? Seriously manipulative.

Your dad made his own life. You don't owe him anything. Eventually letting go of the pain is best for you, but he made this situation. You don't need to put on a happy face for him.

[plantnerd]

I personally think that as an adult, you should be over a divorce that happened 4 years ago, even if it was your own (speaking from personal experience).  If you can't be involved in the wedding, why can't your dd?

Your mom's issues and suicide attempt are not your problem to solve, nor anybody's fault.  They are her issues, and it is admirable that you want to help her with them, but don't take them on as your own.

There are always two sides to a story.

[Tumble Bumbles]

It seems to me you're still trying to "pay your dad back" for what he did to your mother and how your mother chose to handle it (yes, a suicide attempt is a choice and as sad as it is, no one else is to "blame"). I understand all too well the pain a parents' divorce can bring, but you have two choices: release the pain and move on, or hang on to it for the rest of your life. It seems the former would be healthier for everyone involved.

While I agree it wasn't tactful of your dad's fiance to spring that on you, she may have been coming from a place of love for your father, knowing how much he wants your presence on his happy day. I'm not saying it was right, but it may not have been as nefarious an act as you think. She may truly love him and was trying (albeit in the wrong way) to 'help' the situation.  Obviously, it's your choice to go or not, but whether you go or not -- they *are* getting married, your mom will *still* be depressed, and you will *still* have to find a healthy way to deal with these emotions that you've been nurturing for four long years when you could have been healing, releasing pain, and trying to come to a place of acceptance and love with the current situation (even if your father's past behaviors upset you). The fact is, your parents' relationship (past or present) is really none of your business. I know that sounds harsh, being an adult child of the pair, but it's the truth. It's also not your responsibility to 'fix' anyone or their emotions -- neither your mother's or your father's. You have the power to remove yourself from that role you've placed yourself in. Even if others have placed you there, you still have the power to remove yourself from it.

I'm sorry, but I reject the whole "everyone will know how I feel I can't hide my emotions" line of thinking (and I am an 'emotional' person as well). I think that in itself is somewhat manipulative. It's sort of reads like a veiled threat. Either, "I won't go dad, or I'll go and I'll make sure everyone knows I'm miserable, I can't control it,  but I love you!" Grown, emotionally responsible people are able to reign in their emotions temporarily when and if they choose and if you truly love your father as you say you do, I would say it is 100% in your power to "suck it up" for his happiness on this one day. The lady isn't going anywhere any time soon and to put your dad in the position of choosing you and your emotions over his future wife or his dedication to her happiness (not just for the wedding, but anytime) doesn't seem a healthy way to foster a close relationship or any healing.

If you choose not to go, that's fine too (your life is your own, after all) but make sure YOU own that 100%. Don't put the blame, responsibility, your emotions, your upset, your daughter's disappointment etc... on anyone else because all these things are in your hands to choose. You choose how you feel and how you act, independent of how anyone else is acting or what they're doing. That's powerful, but also takes a lot of personal accountability. It would be completely appropriate to say to dad, "my daughter nor myself will be attending and I don't appreciate the invitation of flower girl being sprung on us" -- but what do you think that will accomplish, really? Will it make your mom not have tried to commit suicide? Will it remove her depression? Will it make your dad magically run back to your mom? Will it make fiance disappear? Will it call off the wedding? Will it 'fix' your emotions? Will it bring you and your dad closer? Will it promote healing on any side?

There's someone's signature here who says: Don't complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself. That about sums it up for me, whether you go or don't go to the wedding.

[Linda on the move]

I disagree that the op should assume responsibility for her dd's emotions. I think that part of the op's problem is that she takes responsibility for others feelings and has trouble setting boundaries, and that adding to the list of family members that she plays this role with isn't going to help her find inner peace.

The book "toxic parents" might be helpful. Both parents sound kinda toxic to me. They both sound like they become helpless and make it difficult for their dd to separate her emotions from what is going on with them.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by plantnerd 

I personally think that as an adult, you should be over a divorce that happened 4 years ago, even if it was your own (speaking from personal experience).  If you can't be involved in the wedding, why can't your dd?

Your mom's issues and suicide attempt are not your problem to solve, nor anybody's fault.  They are her issues, and it is admirable that you want to help her with them, but don't take them on as your own.

There are always two sides to a story.

People get over things, or not, in their own time.  There's no set "normal" for feelings.  And I've learned that, with children or adults, the more you push people to feel a certain way, the more they will cling to feeling the opposite. 

So I don't think it does any good to tell the OP she should be "over" a divorce. 

[plantnerd]

Originally Posted by A&A 

Originally Posted by plantnerd 

I personally think that as an adult, you should be over a divorce that happened 4 years ago, even if it was your own (speaking from personal experience).  If you can't be involved in the wedding, why can't your dd?

Your mom's issues and suicide attempt are not your problem to solve, nor anybody's fault.  They are her issues, and it is admirable that you want to help her with them, but don't take them on as your own.

There are always two sides to a story.

People get over things, or not, in their own time.  There's no set "normal" for feelings.  And I've learned that, with children or adults, the more you push people to feel a certain way, the more they will cling to feeling the opposite. 

So I don't think it does any good to tell the OP she should be "over" a divorce. 

Maybe that was a poor choice of words.  Sorry poster.  I guess what I meant was it seems like the poster is trying to hang onto bad feelings to make a statement that she disapproves of her father's relationship.  She doesn't have to be thrilled about it, but the whole  "I know I will not be able to hide my sadness" thing is just, well, manipulative, and that is what the poster is complaining of her father and step being.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by HeliMom 

I think i just may be venting, but here goes.

Background items first: My father and mother divorced approximately 4 years ago.Before my parents divorced my father began dating his now fiance in secret. 

He began dating before the divorce was final, or before they split up? If the former, then I think you should go to the wedding and support your father. If the latter, then you have more reason to stay away. Divorces take time, dating before one is final is not the end of the world, imo.

[Tumble Bumbles]

No, I wasn't suggesting she be responsible for her daughter's emotions -- but rather own her choice to not allow her to attend rather than add "and they made me hurt my daughter's feelings by telling her no" to her list of reasons to be upset and to hang on to pain. She does however, have the choice in her hands to allow or not allow her dd to attend, so to suggest that she has *no* hand in her daughter feeling disappointed if she doesn't get to go because of her mother's (the OP's) hurt feelings is a bit unrealistic, imo. Kids get disappointed in life (sad but true) so it wouldn't be the end of the world obviously, but the fact is -- if the daughter isn't allowed to attend it will be for no other reason than the OP's hurt feelings over the mother/father's past relationship which have nothing to do with her dd (or imo, even with the OP).  

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I disagree that the op should assume responsibility for her dd's emotions. I think that part of the op's problem is that she takes responsibility for others feelings and has trouble setting boundaries, and that adding to the list of family members that she plays this role with isn't going to help her find inner peace. 

[HeliMom]

Originally Posted by plantnerd 

I personally think that as an adult, you should be over a divorce that happened 4 years ago, even if it was your own (speaking from personal experience).  If you can't be involved in the wedding, why can't your dd?

Your mom's issues and suicide attempt are not your problem to solve, nor anybody's fault.  They are her issues, and it is admirable that you want to help her with them, but don't take them on as your own.

There are always two sides to a story.

Did you even read my post, or just skim it?  I never said DD couldn't be involved in the wedding. I never said my father was to blame for my mother's emotional instability.  In fact I said the opposite, that I did not blame my father.  All I as said was that it's difficult to separate the fact that these two things were correlated.
 

Originally Posted by Tumble Bumbles 

I'm sorry, but I reject the whole "everyone will know how I feel I can't hide my emotions" line of thinking (and I am an 'emotional' person as well). I think that in itself is somewhat manipulative. It's sort of reads like a veiled threat. Either, "I won't go dad, or I'll go and I'll make sure everyone knows I'm miserable, I can't control it,  but I love you!" Grown, emotionally responsible people are able to reign in their emotions temporarily when and if they choose and if you truly love your father as you say you do, I would say it is 100% in your power to "suck it up" for his happiness on this one day. The lady isn't going anywhere any time soon and to put your dad in the position of choosing you and your emotions over his future wife or his dedication to her happiness (not just for the wedding, but anytime) doesn't seem a healthy way to foster a close relationship or any healing.

You can reject the idea that someone my not be able to stop their face from contorting when they feel pain but that doesn't make it so.  It seems like you've been pretty lucky in your life to be unaware that even adults can have disabilities.  I've been struggling with my social disabilities my entire life. I've managed to put years of effort into learning social intracacies that for most people are "common sense" I've been able to with the help of years of therapy, to not make the typical social disorder outbursts when things are "wrong" to me, but no, I haven't been able to stop my face from moving.  You really really upset me with the comment that points out how you feel I'm not "grown" or  "emotionally responsible" that was a very low thing to say.  Honestly it makes me think you are projecting your issues with someone else onto my post.

 I spend time getting to know my dad's fiance  because I don't want my child to feel any tension between me and fiance, or at least lessen it.  I don't see how not going to my father's wedding would be punishment to him. I mean I've been involved in creating his special day, I'm hemming the bride's dress, making centerpieces, helping make arrangements for the hotel for guests to stay at.  Today I went with my dad, fiance and my DD to pick out her flower girl dress.  The only reason I didn't want to go to the wedding was because I was afraid I'd screw it up. It's my dad's special day, it has nothing to do with me and I know myself that when people ask me "Oh isn't this a joyous occasion?" I will look like I ate  a lemon.  I don't want to cause problems.  I don't want to make that day in any way about me.  If I would be allowed to participate in the wedding and hide away before seeing a single guest I would do it.  But being someones "best man" making a speech?   I know my strengths and weaknesses. This is not a strong point for me.  I had this discussion with my father and he said he understood.

Deciding I'll be in the wedding anyway after and using my DD to twist my arm into it was what I am upset about.  I am upset that after all that painful uncomfortable honesty that my dad couldn't just ask me straight out if I'd reconsider.  That he couldn't just have come out clean and said, " It would hurt me more for you to not attend my wedding, than if you make sourpuss faces at the reception." or whatever.  Like I said in my previous post I love my dad and I'm worried I won't be able to "play the good daughter role" that one would expect at his wedding.

I added the information about my mom, her suicide attempts, that I live with her, my dad's affair to try to provide a scaffolding of understanding why someone would  not be 100% excited about a parent's new wedding, but it seems like that just threw everyone off course as to what was frustrating me.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

You blew your chance to give the best response. "Oh, dd, we're not going to their wedding, so you can't be a flower girl, do you want to tell grandpa and Fiance about the time you were a flower girl in so-and-so's wedding?"

Yep, darn. I think in your case I would feel played, too. How old is your dd?

[LROM]

I disagree with everyone who said you should be over the divorce.

While I do agree that you're neither responsible for your mom's choices (i.e. the suicide attempt) nor your dad's (if he started dating the now fiance before he'd split from your mom), I DO think you feel what you feel and should have the right to NOT be in situations that will be uncomfortable for you.

You ARE a good loving daughter.  You moved your family in with your mom after her suicide attempt... you are taking a very active role in your dad's wedding even though his split from your mom (and possibly other details of the whole situation) upsets you and has affected your life in a very real and ongoign way. 

In my opinion you are doing a lot more than many would in both cases and I see no reason why you shouldn't feel ok with saying "This is how far I will go to show my love and support... and this is where I will not go any further; I don't want to be at the wedding".  Why is that wrong?  How would OP saying that undo or contradict all the other ways she has been supportive?

As for your dd, I don't know how old she is but she's at least 3 and I think OP should explain to her in age-appropriate terms why OP won't be at the wedding and that - if OP you are ok with your dd being a flower girl - it's still ok for her to go and who she would be going with (I assume there is a trusted adult who will be there who can be your dd's chaperone?  Your dad and his fiance will obviously be completely busy at their own wedding so who would your dd go with?).  Give your dd a choice about it and really your dad and his new wife will just have to live with what is a very understandable feeling on your part.

[LROM]

Oops forgot to say (and "edit function" not working for me) that the fact that you're also caring for your dad after his medical situation also shows that you are very present as a daughter.  I can't understand anyone who would feel like you haven't shown how much you care about him and your mom.

[Linda on the move]

HeliMom, I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in and the turn the thread has taken.

I'd be ticked to, but I once got made at a relative for feeding my child ice cream right after I'd said "no" about ice cream, and that was a much smaller deal. I think your dad's fiancé manipulated the situation, and I'd be on the look out in the future with her.

It sounds like your biggest concern right now is what to say back when people say things to you. May be we could all help you brain storm. I'd go for something neutral and polite, such as, "I hope they are very happy together.". Because don't you? Even with everything that's happened, wouldn't it be nice if the last chapter of his life is a happy one for him?

May be others have better ideas.