Am I hindering her communicative skills?

[sosurreal09]

DD is a very expressive "high-needs" 15 m/o. She is expressive in language, temper fits, and crying. Shes has always cried a lot. During infancy it was something like 4+ hours a day and started settling to around 2 hrs a day by 8 m/o. She still probably cries an accumulated hour a day (24hrs).

Recently I have been saying to her "if you want milkies, no crying" she stopped crying for it a lot. She says mama mmm or she will put her hand down my shirt to tell me. Before bed she still cries for milk and I say "no crying, say mama milk" Then I just nurse her.

I was just reading the Dr. Sears discipline book and got to the part about toddlers expressing themselves ect. Now I am wondering if it is negative for me to say to her "no crying"

What do you think?

[Llyra]

I think that what you're describing is gently encouraging the child to ask with words, right? I think that's fine. I do that with my kids all the time-- "you don't have to cry, just say, 'please get me my toy (or whatever), mama'". That's how they learn, gradually and slowly as they grow, to stay calm and use words to say what they need. I think it would be a problem if you were withholding the nursing for a long time, trying to "force" her to stop crying-- sometimes she just may be too upset to stop crying, or she may be needing to nursing as comfort to help her stop crying, and I think it would be a little unkind to withhold it just because she can't or doesn't want to stop crying at that particular moment. But as long as you're coming from a compassionate place, and are gentle and patient, I think it's fine to start encouraging her to use her words.

[crunchy_mommy]

I voted 'yes' but I don't know that I'd exactly say you're hindering her communication as far as making her talk later or something -- I guess I'm just not comfortable with the idea of saying, "No crying." I feel like we have enough pressure in this world to "suck it up" and "hold it together" without telling our babies not to cry -- especially if that's the only method she has to communicate to you right now. I guess if you don't want her crying for milk you could try a more positive approach, telling her what TO do not what not to do -- ask her to say "milk please" or a version of it that she can pronounce, or ask her to take a deep breath (I do this a ton with DS when he is getting overly worked up & it does help him calm down & I think it will be a useful skill for him to have down the line).

[woodchick]

This sounds like the very popular, "use your words" technique.  I might just drop the 'no crying' portion and start encouraging her to sign or to ask for milk. 

[texmati]

I sometimes say, use your word, since my son only has about 3, lol! He can say say 'give', so I ask for him to say that. It stops the whining momentarily.

[One_Girl]

I don't think you are hindering her communication skills, but I think that you may find that you may find she communicates more if you model the words you want her to use in a positive/upbeat tone without telling her not to cry.  I found that my dd cried less (and later on when she was mostly talking she whined less) when I responded the first time and paid attention to her cues.  I really think that bedtime and any time your child is really hungry is the wrong time to expect no crying, especially with a baby but even toddlers don't do well with being told to stop crying when they are tired or hungry.  You have a couple more years before you can expect your child to consistently use words instead of tears or whining.  The transition from crying or whining to communicate a need to talking to communicate a need takes a long time and relies a lot on meeting the need before it comes up or when it is first communicated in order to reinforce talking as the way to meet needs.

[kcstar]

I am less than comfortable with saying "no crying."  But I do ask my 3-year-old to calm down and use his words.  Usually I will say "calm."  When it comes to nursing, I say "Ask?", or  "What do you want?". 

Sometimes he's too upset to get the English words out, but I accept the signs as equivalent.

As he got older, I started prompting him not just to say or sign "milk," but also to include "please" in the request.  Usually the conversation goes like this:

"What do you want?"

"Milk."

"How do you ask?"

"Please milk"

[dakotablue]

What everyone else said.

I do this with my 15 month old. He'll start screaming or pulling on me. I'll look at him and say "I don't know what you need can you tell me" or sometimes "don't pull on Mommy please use your words" He will immediately stop crying and sign.

I think as long as your compassionate than you are teach a very good skill of controlling your emotions and asking/ communicating calmly.

I would not however use the "stop crying", but that's just because I feel like its ok to be upset and cry...but then again DS cries when told no...and I comfort and say something along the lines of I'm sorry you don't like that answer it is hard.  I guess I see crying is expression of sadness rather than communicating a want (other than the want or desire of comfort)

[sosurreal09]

thanks for the input! It just kind of came out naturally KWIM? I was raised HORRIBLY and am really trying to find my way here. I have not one positive influence from my child hood and don't want to abuse my daughter obvs physically or emotionally, especially without me realizing. I *feel* like my mom didn't realize she was mentally abusive, b/c she was bi-polar, and had other issues. She did know my father was physically and mentally abusive though and did nothing about it.

I am trying to not get into any bad habits and it is SCARY the things that come naturally to you when you have lived through the wrong things. I have caught myself a few times putting my hand up like I was going to hit her - but I never have I always catch myself and then burst into tears.

I am doing very well with AP and am so happy to have some support from MDC, of course I seek help IRL also, but it is nice to get views from other AP parents. I had one therapist tell me she was a Dr and she knew CIO was perfectly fine and does not damage children in any way...I was like yeah ok and never went back to her! lol I guess AP is a hard concept for some Dr's to understand. She was trying to push the whole you need to be away from DD more ect ect its good for you...no thanks.

I will absolutely start working on how I say things to her like that. Shes very spirited and never took much to signing. I know she can't actually say mama milk yet but I am just trying to encourage it. It's hard b/c she cries an awful lot for her age and it's very challenging. I recently had a friend say to me "have you talked to her Dr about all her crying, it's just not normal at her age" I got defensive of course and told her to mind her business and that all kids are different and DD is just sensitive and not to judge her. She's completely healthy and extremely happy and adjusts very well in public and all of that, she's just sensitive and will cry every fall and will flip out b/c she can't turn the knob or w/e it is. I help her through it.

I am rambling sorry.

[Llyra]

FWIW, my DD1 cried a LOT at that age. She's six, and still the tears come very easily, even over what seem like relatively small things. You know what, though? I find that she's unusually compassionate for her age. She cares for her friends and family and teachers and pets and stuffed friends and dollies DEEPLY. The other night I found her in her bed, alone, crying hard over a little girl in a book she was reading. Her emotions run deep, and yet close to the surface at the same time. She's growing into a fascinating little person. And it all started with a LOT of whining and crying and tantruming and drama when she was a toddler. So I think you're right not to be concerned about the crying!

What I found was that once they could talk easily-- when their vocabularies caught up with their desires-- it was a lot easier to work on curbing the whining. She may just be too young-- around 2 1/2 to 3 seemed to be the right time, with my guys, except for DD2, who was an early talker.

Here's what I do: baby is crying. I can tell what baby needs. I pick up baby, look her in the eye, and say, "you want some mama milk? Mama milk. Mama milk, please. DD wants mama milk please." I say it a few times, like that-- kind of modeling how to ask calmly, without getting annoyed that she can't yet ask calmly on her own. I don't wait for her to say it, although if she does, I'd look pleased and tell her she asked nicely. Then we'd sit down and get to business, and I'd say, "okay, let's have some mama milk." She'll get it, slowly and gradually!

[crunchy_mommy]

I know it's sooo tough to have a baby who cries 10x as much as any other kid their age. For us the crying really did improve vastly when DS's communication skills improved. We are soooo fortunate that he was an early talker & picked up on language quickly... Hopefully your DD will have a language spurt soon & that will help her more clearly communicate her needs without crying.

I agree with the above poster to model, model, model. I also think she'll be less receptive to new knowledge when she's already upset/stressed/crying -- so in those instances it might be better to just go straight into soothe/calm/give her what she needs mode rather than trying to get her to talk. She will talk when she's ready, and you can focus on modeling language when she's alert & happy rather than in distress.

Something in your update stood out to me -- I don't think you are in any way being 'abusive' by telling her not to cry. I don't think that's necessarily the best route to go but I don't think it's abusive. I sense that you're afraid to become abusive & it sounds like you are so far from being *that parent* that you really don't need to worry about it. Continue to get lots of support from people whose perspectives are in line with yours (AP etc.) and you will be OK. I know that fear... I really do... but don't let it control you or get in the way of enjoying your baby. Did your husband have a good childhood? Is he someone you can count on to tell you if you are doing something bordering on 'wrong'? If so, maybe you can hand that job over to him, and trust that he will let you know if something is crossing the line, and the rest of the time just relax and follow your mommy-instincts and your heart. You really do sound like a wonderful mom & are trying hard to be the best mom you can possibly be. Your DD will sense that, she knows. :)

[sosurreal09]

for the record I don't wait for her to say it lol she can't talk all that much yet. She does have some words though maybe like 12 but she doesnt use all of them consistently.

unfortunately DH had an abusive and controlling child hood.

I am afraid of being like them. You know what you are taught, but I am trying my hardest to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I appreciate the kind words. I do know I am a good mom, but advice certainly helps. I don't have anywhere to turn besides here for any parenting advice worth listening too lol

I didnt think it was abusive saying "no crying, mama milk" but I am afraid that I didn't realize on my own that it wasn't ideal...it was like I didn't even think about it until I read that page in that book and was like oh no maybe I messed up there...

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

for the record I don't wait for her to say it lol she can't talk all that much yet. She does have some words though maybe like 12 but she doesn't use all of them consistently.

unfortunately DH had an abusive and controlling child hood.

I am afraid of being like them. You know what you are taught, but I am trying my hardest to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I appreciate the kind words. I do know I am a good mom, but advice certainly helps. I don't have anywhere to turn besides here for any parenting advice worth listening too Lil

I didn't think it was abusive saying "no crying, mama milk" but I am afraid that I didn't realize on my own that it wasn't ideal...it was like I didn't even think about it until I read that page in that book and was like oh no maybe I messed up there...

I know what you mean. I am constantly trying to remain conscious of how long its been since DS ate because my parents only fed us if they were hungry (even if they had actually eaten on the way home if they weren't hungry when they got home...), even though I know in my head he eats 5-6 times a day and I'm more at risk of over feeding (but I do totally allow him to control portions and whether he eats at all and he does request food, so not worried)

I'm constantly reflecting on our interactions. I don't want any child much less DS to feel the way I felt.

I know I'm doing fine, but that fear is there. I don't think I could be sainted and loose that fear...

Oh for your DD, does she point? if she doesn't want to sign you can do the second step I did in DS's requesting (when he was still fussing a lot) which was "Oh, you want to nurse?! which side?" and he'd point. That would at least be a communication start. I will say however I have had some bruises from over enthusiastic pointing.