Is it Selfish to Wear Baby at Gatherings? - Page 2

[RedPony]

Uh-huh.  Aren't people ridiculous?  My mom and sister loudly declared that, "We can't even SEE that baby!" with my first.  I think by the second they got used to it, because I never heard a peep.  :)  I was willing to share, tho, if asked.  I'd pull the rail down and even take a sleeping newborn out just so folks could see and hold the baby.  But - my babies wanted ME.  And I liked and encouraged that.  Muah ha ha ha. 

[TheSlingMama]

Not selfish in anyway.  Your in laws need to grow up and if they want to hold your baby they should ask.  I dealt with similar this holiday season.  Lol, mine were less polite about it and spent the entire time telling me how horrible I was for wearing my child.

[Spring Lily]

I've worn my kids to gatherings like that. If people want to hold them, they can ask. I did sit down, take them out, and let them play on my lap a bit. But when people ask to hold the baby, I always would turn to my baby and ask in an encouraging voice if they wanted to go see that person. I think the baby is the one who gets to make that call, not the relative! People were pretty respectful of that.

Your relatives called you selfish behind your back, but they sound a little immature and petty, to be honest. If they wanted to hold the baby, the adult thing to do would be to ask, not say mean things about you later.

[danerock]

I strategically wore my 3 month old to the family gatherings at christmas on purpose because i didn't want to pass her around. I'm not a fan of passing my babe around the room, and wearing her gives her the security of my body amidst the chaos and stimulation of holiday parties.  don't feel bad.  you are looking out for your baby first, which is what a mom's supposed to do!

[LoveStruck]

I have some pretty intense in-laws who honestly believe a baby is public property.  Wearing my baby was the only way to keep us both safe from their baby-greedy ways!  It wouldn't matter if she cried or grabbed me trying to stay in my arms, or kept crying while in their arms, they didn't pay attention to what she wanted or what she needed.  So she went into the sling whenever we went to their house.  I have managed to make her feel safe and loved using the sling and I believe I've actually helped her create healthy boundaries with her grandparents by making sure she feels like she can always get to me when we are at their house.  It's not selfish when it's YOUR baby you're wearing! 

[NicolleLynne]

Thanks so much for all the great responses mamas! I feel so much better about the whole situation having read all your insightful replies. In my heart of hearts I didn't believe I'd done anything wrong by wearing DD to the holiday shin-digs but it was hard for me to hear that people had misunderstood my intentions by keeping her in the carrier. I told my husband to please inform my in-laws that I'm going to continue to babywear wherever and whenever for as long as my daughter and I are both comfortable and to please just ask me if they'd like to hold the baby. My hope is that someone will ask to hold DD at the next get-together and I'll have a chance, not only to show that I'm okay with letting others hold her (assuming the person is sober, healthy and otherwise trustworthy) but also to discuss the advantages of babywearing in a friendly, lighthearted way.

Thank you again mamas for putting my mind at ease and giving me the confidence to continue babywearing with abandon!

[dida17]

For some reason, I had never thought of babywearing at a gathering.  What a perfect idea!  Baby is so much happier close to Mommy or Daddy, can sleep when needed and is safe. Because, no matter what, is is always Mom or Dad that is responsible for baby at someone's house and it is so much work chasing baby around, or trying to hold baby at a non baby-proofed home.  Also, "selfish" and "baby-wearing" shouldn't even be in the same sentence.  That is why I clicked on this, I was intrigued at how the two could even be related.  Don't feel bad at all. 

[LemonPie]

I'm another one who wore my baby to avoid having to pass her around!  My second child was very high needs.  She would let me, DH and my mom hold her.  If I handed her to anyone else she would scream.

[Chinaberry]

Listen to your heart of hearts.

It's THEIR problem if somebody has a problem with your doing your best to make your baby girl feel safe, comfortable, and included.

I still wear DS everywhere (15 months) until he wants to get out, and he will let me know without a doubt. I do it because people don't respect babies' personal space and I don't want him manhandled half to death just because ILs want their baby fix. I didn't have him for their enjoyment.

When he was 7 months old it wasn't even an option. You want to hold him? You may sit next to me on the couch and if he looks interested in being with you, knock yourself out. If he's nervous, looking away, fussing, forget it. Maybe later.

It was just easier to set boundaries now and accept that it won't be popular than to feel I hadn't been there for him, that he wanted to feel safe with me and I made him go to someone he didn't know very well. FWIW I don't let people roughhouse with him either, bounce him around like crazy, throw him in the air, etc. He doesn't like it.

And he's turning out to be crazy adventurous, friendly and funny, and very definite about how he wants to be touched, me and dh included. I would love to take credit, but it's probably just the way he is.

Anyway. You knew all along you did the right thing.

[lbergstrome]

I too was intrigued by how baby wearing and selfishness could be in the same sentence.

I've seen lots of babies at parties and music festivals where there is drugs and very loud music and thought that it could be selfish to bring one's baby into that type of surrounding...

[kythe]

When my daughter was 2 months old, I attended a baby shower for a preemie who had just gotten out of the hospital, having spent his first 3 months there. His mom held him the entire time and explained that she didn't want him getting sick. At some point, another guest casually asked if she could hold my baby, so I took her out of the sling. She ended up getting passed around throughout the party.

Afterwards, several people thanked me for being generous since the hosting mom wasn't letting people hold the "star of the show". I was shocked, not realizing that was why my baby was being passed around. I kept repeating what the other mom said, that she didn't want her baby back in the hospital. But people kept saying you don't have a baby shower if you aren't going to share the baby. I felt so bad because I would never have let those people hold my baby if I had understood their reasoning.

My dd cried for two hours straight after we got home that night. It was the longest she'd ever cried at a time, since she was an easy-going, happy baby. Apparantly she had felt overwhelmed at being held by all those people. It wasn't an "enjoyable" evening for her and she was too overstimulated. I really think people don't appreciate the baby's perspective.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by kythe 

When my daughter was 2 months old, I attended a baby shower for a preemie who had just gotten out of the hospital, having spent his first 3 months there. His mom held him the entire time and explained that she didn't want him getting sick. At some point, another guest casually asked if she could hold my baby, so I took her out of the sling. She ended up getting passed around throughout the party.

Afterwards, several people thanked me for being generous since the hosting mom wasn't letting people hold the "star of the show". I was shocked, not realizing that was why my baby was being passed around. I kept repeating what the other mom said, that she didn't want her baby back in the hospital. But people kept saying you don't have a baby shower if you aren't going to share the baby. I felt so bad because I would never have let those people hold my baby if I had understood their reasoning.

I've never heard of a baby shower held after the baby was born. I'm guessing it only happened in this case because he was born prematurely?

The guests who complained about not getting to hold a SICK baby were callous, rude, entitled, spoiled, horrible people.

[kythe]

Hmm. I hadn't thought about that. We had a baby shower for my son when he was 5 weeks old. It was mostly family, and they were ok with not passing him around. Most of them had met him by then and were familiar with his fussy temperment, so they left him alone.

In this case, the baby had been born at 28 weeks, so the parents were quite unprepared for his arrival at that time.

[indymom82]

Ugh!  All I can say is, your baby is 7 months old and you're just now getting feedback on everything you do "wrong"? :)  I did the same thing at Thanksgiving with my 7-month-old for exactly the same reasons, plus he had some stranger anxiety issues, not to mention the amount of viruses etc he'd be exposed to.  I was worried about how other people would react, but my husband (always the voice of reason) said, "he's our baby, we own him, and they can just deal with it!"  Sorry, you struck a nerve with me I guess :)  But no, if your decision is to keep her with you for safety reasons, your family needs to either accept that or make time to visit in a more controlled environment.

[bluecandi]

Originally Posted by danerock 

I strategically wore my 3 month old to the family gatherings at christmas on purpose because i didn't want to pass her around. I'm not a fan of passing my babe around the room, and wearing her gives her the security of my body amidst the chaos and stimulation of holiday parties.  don't feel bad.  you are looking out for your baby first, which is what a mom's supposed to do!

Same here!!  I wore my 3 m/o dd at all the parties.....some people got a little miffed but the one time I took her out, she started wailing so I got to make my point tee hee!!!

[cettasmom]

I would say that it depends on the size of the gathering and how comfortable you are with the people there.  I wear my LO during parties when a) she's overstimulated and needs to rest b) i'm not very close with alot of the people there and want to keep her close.  But if it's an intimate family gathering (10 people or less), I don't even bother to bring the carrier out of the car because I know that everyone will want to hold her and I'm happy to let them have that time with them.  My sisters can hardly contain themselves when they're close to her but it's sure joy and love for their niece and I'm happy to oblige them (and take the opportunity to get a break, relax, and have some adult conversations - although it almost always ends up turning back to Cetta - while she gets cooed at. 

She is the first baby in the family for a LONG time so everyone is pretty excited.  I usually stay in the same room as her when she's being held and its usually not too long when she gets hungry and looks for me anyways.  I'm thinking of enacting a new rule:  s/he who is holding her when she needs a changing gets to change her.  ;) 

Don't stress yourself too much.  Negative chatter will ruin your life if you let it.  Mama guilt is plenty enough without letting other people add to it.  Follow your gut.

Maya, mama to Cetta 3 months old. 

[cettasmom]

I should add, my LO is very very social and loves attention (sure to be a headache when it HS comes around) at least now she is, so she's also very happy to get held and passed around. 

Maya, still mama to cetta.

[alyssamal]

I don't think it's selfish.  Really I think it depends on what type of function it is.  If there are going to be TONS of people that are there, then I would definitely wear my baby ;o)  When my son was a baby, I have had random stranger come up to me and ask to hold them.  I had to say no!!  I don't know if they had washed their hands or who knows, they could have dropped him!

[lactatinggirl]

Personally I always wore DD during things like that partially because I didn't want people to get their grubby hands all over her. I hated it when she was tiny and people would take her and then all of a sudden return a baby screaming bloody murder that I couldn't even get calmed down to nurse! Recipe for holiday weaning right there! Also, wearing her made it so I could continue to interact with people and they could still see her, so oh well they didn't get to hold her.