Need advice in terminating my ex's rights

[KalaNikol]

Hi all.  First, let me say that I apologize for beginning another thread about termination of parental rights.  However, I had some specific questions that I didn't find the answers for on that thread. 

Second, my name is Sarah, and I would greatly appreciate any insight you could give me regarding my situation.  I will attempt to make this as short as possible.

My ex and I, never married, split in 2008.  I left him due to his violent tendencies, anger and drug and alcohol issues.  Ultimately, I wound up with a restraining order against him, and full legal and physical custody of our son, who is now 7 years old.  Since our split, and just before the restraining order became necessary, I was attempting to allow short periods of visitation, as I was trying to comply and be cooperative in the eyes of the court.  What was to be an evening visit turned into almost 5 days of him keeping my child from me.  Once I got him back, that became the last time his father has seen him, of his fathers own choosing.  Our court order stipulates supervised visits by a professional monitor, of which he has never once even attempted, and I can't say that I'm sorry that he hasn't done more.  My son has thrived without the negative influence of his "father" around.  The only contact I have had with my ex is harassing text messages all about himself, his life, or cussing me out, which in turn have been reported to the police.

He has never called for Birthdays, Christmas, etc.  Within the last 2 years, I have had to shelter my son from the local newspapers, as his "father" has decided to become quite the criminal.  His mugshot has literally been on the front page of at least 7 local newspapers, that I know of for fact, because I saved every one.  Countless internet news reports, including a major local news station. His charges include, but arent limited to, possession of and under the influence of a controlled substance, spousal abuse (his most recent ex), willful cruelty to a child (his most recent ex's child), burglary, assault, theft...you name it, his rap sheet has become miles long.  When I first took him to court and he was ordered supervised visits, he was also ordered AA, Anger Management and parenting classes.  Suffice it to say, he hasn't done any of those either.  He is currently serving 5 months in jail for failing to follow the conditions of his probation for the spousal abuse.

I contacted a lawyer regarding my issue, and she thinks I have a good case, but she is terribly expensive.  I live in Southern California, and I struggle to make ends meet.  Is there any way I can do this successfully on my own?  Does anyone know what forms I would need?  Legal aid has been quite the source of frustration rather than aide.  Do you, if you have any experience with this issue, think that I have a good case, or that I can win this on my own?  Any input, suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Sarah

[smeep]

I honestly have NO idea how you would go about it in your state. May I ask, though, exactly why you want to terminate rights? You have sole legal and physical custody... is there a concern that you have, or would you just prefer termination? The only reason I ask is because I can only imagine that you have been ordered child support. That is something to take into consideration as, even if you are fine living without it, it is essentially your child's money (even if he doesn't see it until 20 years down the road). Just something to think about... I'm not saying that you shouldn't terminate his rights (I am probably not going to court for child support with this baby because I am scared for my baby's safety if the "father" is awarded and uses unsupervised visitation)...but, if you haven't already, I certainly think it's something that you need to take into consideration. 

[KalaNikol]

Smeep -

Thank you for your input.  I am wanting to terminate rights because he is a horrible person.  He is incapable of being anything resembling a decent father.  He is racist, mean, abusive, controlling, a drug addict and an alcoholic, among other things.  I am concerned for my son's safety once his 'father' gets out of jail and decides, for the millionth time, that he is "born again," and "see's the light" and is "changing his life..." happens everytime he gets out, and within 2-3 weeks he's back to his old ways.  I do have sole custody, but I'd like to know that he has no rights to just stroll back into my sons life and wreak havoc after all these years.  Additionally, my fiance is a wonderful man, and loves my son immensely and wants to adopt him and provide his support and give him his last name.  All that cannot be done without termination.  Also, I don't have a child support order because they could not determine how much money he was making (none), so they ordered 0.  I have never received a dime from him, and I doubt I ever will.  But to me, it's okay, I'd rather have him gone.  The difference in my son is extreme - without his 'fathers' negativity, he is a happy, care-free, affectionate little boy.  :)

On a side note, I trekked myself all over the courthouse and the adoption agency yesterday, and I also talked with a social worker who told me that given my evidence, she thinks I have a great case and that I am doing the right thing.  THAT was so nice to hear after all the knock-downs and comments about how it's hard and it's not done and it probably won't happen-everything the courts kept telling me.  The social worker told me, "No, it's a little difficult and the courts discourage it which is why you keep hitting brick walls, but it can be done, it has been done, and I think you can do it."  SO...I finally got my hands on the right paperwork and am on my way to what is hopefully a happy ending. :)

[Halfasianmomma]

I really hope you can get the termination done mama...let us know what happens!

[rubelin]

afaik, in CA you need to "notify" the absent parent (which is done through a newspaper ad in the city they last were known to live) that they must contact the court or lose parental rights. There usually needs to be a new parent willing to step in and adopt (which you've got) and I recall that the time frame was pretty short. I'd say you're good to go =) Blessings to you all!

[LoveOhm]

I am also in Southern California and was given alot of information from the threads and in PMs here on MDC.  It is very possible to do a TPR.  In California you do not need to be married or have another person to adopt but it is still done in the same court house as the adoptions.

While you will need to notify the other parent you can easily do that since he is in jail.  And after you serve him if it's uncontested it should only take about 6 weeks.

I plan to do a TPR once I can save / make enough money to not need state aid..... and I too understand all of your reasons for wanting a TPR.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by KalaNikol 

Thank you for your input.  I am wanting to terminate rights because he is a horrible person.  He is incapable of being anything resembling a decent father.  He is racist, mean, abusive, controlling, a drug addict and an alcoholic, among other things.

On a side note, I trekked myself all over the courthouse and the adoption agency yesterday, and I also talked with a social worker who told me that given my evidence, she thinks I have a great case and that I am doing the right thing.  THAT was so nice to hear after all the knock-downs and comments about how it's hard and it's not done and it probably won't happen-everything the courts kept telling me.  The social worker told me, "No, it's a little difficult and the courts discourage it which is why you keep hitting brick walls, but it can be done, it has been done, and I think you can do it."  SO...I finally got my hands on the right paperwork and am on my way to what is hopefully a happy ending. :)

So basically, the courts have no problems taking kids away into foster care when a parent is only 1/2 as bad as your ex, but if a mom wants to keep her child away from a father as bad as your ex, the courts dig in their heels? The mind boggles.

I mean, I can understand in some cases, but I would think that "he's in jail for drug use, in fact, this isn't the first time" would be more than enough.

Anyway, glad you have the right paperwork now and hope it all goes smoothly and quickly!

[KalaNikol]

Thank you so much to you all!  It is so nice to have even more support, even if it is through a message board.  I just noticed all the other replies, and I apologize for not updating a little bit more to all of you who have reached out and given advice and help.  :)

So, for those of you who may need to know for future reference, the forms that were required are titled "Petition for Freedom from Custody and Control."  Very small packet, really, only about 5 pages front and back.  I filled out the required information on my son's "father," and then filed it with the court.  (But let me tell you, it was like pulling teeth to get my hands on these documents.  I guess because it is so highly discouraged, since many parents attempt to use it as a vengeful tool to get back at an ex out of spite).  I swear I almost heard the "Hallelujah, Hallelujah!" of the Angels when this paperwork was finally handed to me.  I am also convinced the clerk had to pull it out of a locked vault..  ;) 

We have a court date on the 22nd of February.  I paid Sheriff's court services to have him served at the jail.  Now, my next curiosity is whether or not the jail will take him to court....because the paperwork states that he MAY appear at said date and time in said department at said courthouse, but it says nothing about it being and order that he appear.  Nor are there any forms for him to fill out to contest it...so it's kind of like, show up or don't, it's up to you.  Unless or until the judge decides that he wants to hear my son's fathers side of it (as if 7 newspapers, his arrest record and the fact that he'll be showing up to court in an orange jumpsuit, handcuffs and Bob Barker sandals isn't enough evidence IMHO) and orders his appearance at court.  So much is up in the air where that is concerned.  I am a little worried that I missed a step or a paper that I need....mostly because since this isn't done all that often, the clerks seemed a little unsure as to whether I had everything filed. 

But....either way, we have a court date and I am crossing my fingers!  I also have to go to court on the 1st to renew my restraining order against him.  Court court court....I can't wait until this is all said and done.  Thanks everyone for your help!

[KalaNikol]

Sapphire -  Yes, the mind boggles, doesn't it?  To me, if a parent such as myself is allowing his or her child to visit with a parent such as my ex, knowing full well what that person is capable of and what he or she is involved in, the custodial parent is just as guilty of abuse for subjecting their child to the other person.  I hate to say this, and perhaps I shouldn't...but I have already decided that, god forbid, this case does not go my way and I am instead ordered that I have to allow visitation....well, let's just say..over my dead body.  Good luck finding me.  =X  My child's safety and well being and emotional stability is something I will fight for to the ends of the earth. 

What gets me is the fact that I have been told that the court may appoint a court counseler, so to speak, to talk to not only my son, but my son's father (seperate from my child, thank goodness) and determine whether he is fit or not.  Albeit, his record does speak volumes against him....but it blows me away that the courts will appoint someone who does not know me, my child, or my ex to speak to us and determine in 10 minutes something that will affect the rest of our lives and more importantly, the safety of my child...I can only pray that this person will be guided to making the right decision. 

He is literally listed as a Career Criminal in our local sheriff's computers. You would definitely think that would be more than enough.

[KalaNikol]

I do have one question that I just thought of that I have been unable to get information on:

Do any of you know whether or not my son will be asked, in court or privately, what he wants?  Is he old enough for his preference to be considered? 

I have spoken with him on a general basis, and basically explained in 7 (almost 8!) year old terms what this will mean.  I explained that I am attempting to make it so that his dad, whom he calls by his name rather than dad, will not be allowed to see him or contact him or have anything to do with him until he is at least 18 years old, and then if he so chooses, he can contact his father.  He pretty much stopped me at that point and said, "No, I don't want to."  I told him he might change his mind once he's 18, and he still said No, that what he wants is his step-daddy.  And that's all he wants. :*) 

Anyway, my point is that my son is mosty aware of what is happening, but I'm wondering if they will make him speak in court, or worse, have to face his bio dad.  :(  I really hope they don't because he doesnt need to be intimidated like that. 

[Julia Fletcher]

Hi -

It might help to get in touch with the California Protective Parents Association.

It sounds like you have a good case, but other moms have had a tough time protecting their children in California in the same situation.

Wishing you all the best,

Julia Fletcher

[One_Girl]

Where I live they don't take into consideration what the child wants until they are 18 and they are very careful to protect both parents rights to have at least some access to their children.  Even parents in prison get access to their kids during visitation hours in some cases despite their custodial guardian being against the visitation.  The harder the parents push for access the more likely they are to get access.  It may be different where you are though.  If you don't have proof of abuse that has happened by the father to your son or proof that his actions have caused harm to your son then it probably isn't something that is going to work out unless his father doesn't go to court to try to contest it.  It may still be worth a try, but I think you should make sure you get a very good lawyer before going ahead with this. 

[KalaNikol]

I just thought that I would post a reply, for anyone interested.  I took my ex to court on June 3rd of this year, after filing all the necessary paperwork to terminate his parental rights.  After three court dates (one to get him there from jail), the judge heard our case. We presented all of our evidence against him, and the fact that according to state law, if a parent intends to abandon a child for the period of one or more years with no contact or means of support, there are grounds for termination of rights.  To make a very long story short, we won our case, in pro per.  We got written notification of the judge's decision today.  So for anyone in a similiar situation, don't let anyone tell you it's impossible or too hard to do, especially without a lawyer.  If you have sufficient evidence, your case will prove itself.  Thank you all for the input!!  We are so excited, because my husband can  now proceed to adopt our son.  :) 

[kristandthekids]

Congrats

That can vary a lot from state to state. I'm glad CA lets you.

[The Harpy]

Congrats!!!!!!!

[*MamaJen*]

I missed the first round of your post, but I was so glad to read your update. It's great that you did the hard work it took to protect your son.

[PiperLime]

Congrats mama! Good for you sticking up for your son's safety and well-being, even though it was hard!

[AmaraMonillas]

Congratulations!