Muslim Mamas 2011 - Page 8

[1jooj]

kanga, I've been thinking about your questioning, and I have to say I really admired that you don't just close your eyes and swallow, but that you want to really know and understand.

I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking about being willing to sacrifice my own child because Allah told me to. And then I thought, how many times have I sacrificed their ___ for ___? How willing am I to sacrifice their well-being for money? For ease? What else have I sacrificed them for (obviously not to the greatest degree, but the power is in the parable)? Why are we so often willing to sacrifice our children, small bits of them, their innocence, their childhood, their joy, etc., without even thinking? (Thinking about TV and media consumption, materialism, that sort of thing.) Allah said sacrifice him--now think about it. Why would I ever? And then, why DO I now? Especially for all these little bits of dunya? (Do I make any sense?)

Anyway, I also have a feeling of deep love for Hajar, and this time of year, I think of her. Now, here in the desert of the Peninsula, I think a lot about her thirst. Wishing dh and I could have managed to make Hajj, but feeling so unworthy.

[Liquesce]

Originally Posted by kangamitroo 

i still am looking for ideas, but wanted to share some helpful things i heard in Zaid Shakir's eid al adha sermon from 2010. (1) he mentioned the need to reflect on Ibrahim's life [as opposed to the one act on which i feel stuck], since Ibrahim lay down a path for us. Ibrahim smashed the idols, and today "the idols of the nafs is what we have to smash....smash that idol with the worship of Allah swt." (2) Zaid Shakir pointed out Ismail's response: "Father, I am here to make it easy for you to submit." He asked, when do we make things easy for others?

i think overall i am left with a need to pray and reflect on submission. thanks for listening, ladies.

It is not a story I've ever felt conflict over, though I don't mean to be dismissive of other people's feelings of conflict in saying that.  For me though it's always just been the story of a concrete awareness of death not equaling destruction, and of god/life/death/afterlife/pain/loss/etc all falling soundly within an order in which god is a real thing and not simply a maybe-true-maybe-not belief.  Like the difference between asking someone to jump where they can see the landing is safe and asking someone to jump blindfolded on the hope that you're telling the truth that it's safe.  Ibrahim was not blindfolded.

[Liquesce]

There are a few Arabic learners on this thread, no?  The Library of Alexandria has a collection of grade school age reading level books online here, if anyone is interested: http://mybook.bibalex.org/browse.php?v=t

They're old, but seem like they might make for decent intermediate reading practice.

[kangamitroo]

thank you, jo & liquesce, for your thoughtful and very helpful responses to my question. both of your messages resonated with me. from my heart, i appreciate it.

& another question [oh, i have so so much to learn of this deen]:

is there a traditional blessing/dua to offer someone who is making hajj inshaAllah? a colleague of mine will be going inshaAllah,  and i wanted to give her a note.

jo, if the time is right for your family, inshaAllah you can make hajj. and if the time is not right, Allah will help you to know that, too. with you, thinking on Hajar.

liquesce, i look forward to the day when i have greater mastery of my letters and can use those books at Library of Alexandria. see how you motivate? ;)

[1jooj]

Thanks, kanga. I know you are right, and if it is to happen, doors will open. Maybe we could make Umra on the kids' spring break. That might be a nice way to get into the beginning of the end of this year's experience. We'll just see what happens. Have any of you USA ladies gone? How did you document your Islam? Everyone talks about a shahada certificate for a visa; I don't have that, but I have been Muslim 12 years now. I guess I could say it again somewhere, like the KSA consular office?

For whatever it's worth, we don't regret the decision to come here. As difficult as the time has been (and, I anticipate, will continue to be), this has been an incredible learning opportunity. There have been material gains too, which will open the next opportunities. We'll have challenges ahead, but we've proven to ourselves the strength, stability and sincerity of our partnership and family. ZakareyasMama, I can totally see how a bored, isolated mama could find her way into a variety of troubles here, from consorting with the wrong people to spending way too much money. I'm blessed to have my writing projects, older kids and now possibly a PT job on my side.

Dh is back in KSA again, for the week or maybe 2. On the bright side, he's getting this work done and doing a great job of it. On the down side, there are 3 or 4 countries waiting for him to show up and take care of their concerns. This is why it makes more sense for us to be back in the US. While logistically it's easier for him to fly out of here as a hub, the family is left solo with no support system. The only benefit here is the airport aspect: shorter flights. Passive-aggressive support staff means he gets his needs met directly by the home office, which means a day shift, plus phone and email until 11P or later with the home office 9 time zones away. Fun stuff.

But now that we're thinking we'll call it for the kids and me at one year, I'm feeling a little lighter. Won't be easy rebuilding and living separately, but we will be OK, inshallah.

[umsami]

We applied for and got visas to make Umrah five or so years ago.  I didn't have a shahadah certificate either, but we went to the masjid where we were married and the Imam gave me one and dated it around my approximate reversion.  The one thing I remember is having to get a meningitis vaccine--which was a pain in that I had to go to the local health dept for it.  We didn't get to go, though, because DS2s visa came through too late.  

I have US friends who have made Hajj and Umrah.  They all tell me make Umrah first...preferably at a non-busy time (not during Ramadan not right before Hajj).  

[youngspiritmom]

Salaam Mamas, I haven't been around this thread in a while. Happy to be back! :)

1jooj, I'm hurting to hear of all of your challenges in Dubai. I am inspired by the fact that you still see a wisdom or benefit in being there. Continue to lean on Allah, He wants to carry your burdens for you and lighten them. Are you going for hajj? I absolutely think you should if you can.

I also wanted to comment on this:

Originally Posted by 1jooj 

I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking about being willing to sacrifice my own child because Allah told me to. And then I thought, how many times have I sacrificed their ___ for ___? How willing am I to sacrifice their well-being for money? For ease? What else have I sacrificed them for (obviously not to the greatest degree, but the power is in the parable)? Why are we so often willing to sacrifice our children, small bits of them, their innocence, their childhood, their joy, etc., without even thinking? (Thinking about TV and media consumption, materialism, that sort of thing.) Allah said sacrifice him--now think about it. Why would I ever? And then, why DO I now? Especially for all these little bits of dunya? (Do I make any sense?)

Thought-provoking. Indeed, the only regret that the inhabitants of Jannah will have is any moment in their lives that they were not in dhikr (remembrance) of Allah. Why do we forget Him if He was the one that created us, that established our existance in the first place? This is our struggle. We have to continually strive not to sacrifice the next life for temporary desires of this life. For me, as the mother of a toddler, I have to remember that saying NO or teaching a rule is hard in the moment (I'm so tempted to avoid those tremendous tantrums!) but is so necessary for teaching my son how the world really should work.

I think that putting the needs of others before our own selfish needs is one of the greatest purposes God has given us on earth. This life is not about ME, it is about WE. As a dear friend once told me, God always repeats "doing good works" (amilu salihat) in the Quran, and she defined this as doing something for SOMEONE ELSE. Even our spouses, our children. ESPECIALLY them.

Reminding myself, mostly.

[kangamitroo]

Originally Posted by 1jooj 

We'll have challenges ahead, but we've proven to ourselves the strength, stability and sincerity of our partnership and family.

what a blessing that is, alhamdulillah.

youngspiritmom, thank you for this reminder: "Indeed, the only regret that the inhabitants of Jannah will have is any moment in their lives that they were not in dhikr (remembrance) of Allah."

a random small thing, because i thought the cards so pretty i had to share:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Enekuri?section_id=7816135

this is a real find for me, for those special occasions when i really wish i could write in arabic.

[1jooj]

Those are lovely, kanga. And a really good idea.

No Hajj this year, but I think I will see what dh says about Umrah in spring. We'll see. He's coming back tonight. I hope to have him home for more than a week, but I fear he's going to be pressured to squeeze in something between now and Arafah Day. He just has so much work waiting for him. At least he gets a couple days off for Eid--not that we have a soul to spend it with outside our own little family. And we're sending our sacrifice money to his family this year, to buy some other families an Eid. No slaughtering for us, first time in more than 10 years. Feels sad.

YSM, there are only a few things that make me feel OK while I am here, and happily prayer is one of them. For better or for worse, I feel no attraction to all the things people like about this place--the malls, mostly--so while I am isolated, I am also protected from a lot of the pressures out there, which can sneak in through seemingly "trustworthy" relationships. It is extremely day by day. My worst days, I spend a lot of time crying. That's not the worst thing I could be doing. And being surrounded by such an insane level of mass consumption (Kim Kardashian, anyone?) is, for us, a really good reminder of where our hearts are actually supposed to be. It's difficult because there is little understanding of my heartache, since it seems most people (in our income bracket) love it here. And all the things they love are the things that hurt my heart.

This weekend is Diwali celebration. You see more public joy and celebration for that than you see for the Eid here. For Eid they close down and have holidays, but for the Hindu festivals, they actually have people's celebrations out in the streets and public spaces.

[Amatullah0]

Originally Posted by 1jooj 

Those are lovely, kanga. And a really good idea.

No Hajj this year, but I think I will see what dh says about Umrah in spring. We'll see. He's coming back tonight. I hope to have him home for more than a week, but I fear he's going to be pressured to squeeze in something between now and Arafah Day. He just has so much work waiting for him. At least he gets a couple days off for Eid--not that we have a soul to spend it with outside our own little family. And we're sending our sacrifice money to his family this year, to buy some other families an Eid. No slaughtering for us, first time in more than 10 years. Feels sad.

YSM, there are only a few things that make me feel OK while I am here, and happily prayer is one of them. For better or for worse, I feel no attraction to all the things people like about this place--the malls, mostly--so while I am isolated, I am also protected from a lot of the pressures out there, which can sneak in through seemingly "trustworthy" relationships. It is extremely day by day. My worst days, I spend a lot of time crying. That's not the worst thing I could be doing. And being surrounded by such an insane level of mass consumption (Kim Kardashian, anyone?) is, for us, a really good reminder of where our hearts are actually supposed to be. It's difficult because there is little understanding of my heartache, since it seems most people (in our income bracket) love it here. And all the things they love are the things that hurt my heart.

This weekend is Diwali celebration. You see more public joy and celebration for that than you see for the Eid here. For Eid they close down and have holidays, but for the Hindu festivals, they actually have people's celebrations out in the streets and public spaces.

Glad to hear that you're feeling a little more content living in dubai. I hope that you can, inshallah find a productive and enjoyable use for your time while you are there. And try to make eid special for your family this year inshallah. Do what you can find to enjoy, even if it's little things. I'm sorry, but I don't remember if you have children? I think you do, but even if you don't, but you're into things like that - decorate the house for eid, make foods that you rarely make, dress up nice, go on a long drive or a trip somewhere, or to a festival, or just take advantage of the time that your DH has off work. We've had some lamely sad eids in the past because DH was sad about being away from his family, but the key is to stop thinking about what you think an eid celebration should be (like, lots of family and friends and so on and so forth) and try to think of things that will make eid special for you now. 

Super sad that the hindu festivals are celebrated more outwardly than the eids there :(

[youngspiritmom]

Salaam dear Mamas,

In these most blessed first 10 days of Dhul Hijja I am wanting to renew my connection to God, but I am overwhelmed by my to do list and don't really have the energy for my own life due to recent grief.

I just had a miscarriage.

I'm feeling so lost and so sad. I went through a very difficult time with my first pregnancy/birth/post partum period. I know that God saw how hard things were for me then and I really thought that this second pregnancy was His gift to me for what I had gone through the first time -- I thought it was going to be the easy, beautiful, perfectly timed pregnancy that would be the antithesis to my first. On the day I planned to take the pregnancy test, I woke up early before everyone was up and went for a walk on a beautiful trail by our home. At the end of the walk, I suddenly found myself surrounded by bright yellow wild flowers. When I saw them, I felt Allah sending a message to me - smiling down and me congratulating me on being pregnant. I went home and took the test - pregnant! The next 7 weeks I had no morning sickness, felt great, and had an immense craving for beauty and balance in my home, personal style, cooking etc. I felt the beauty/balance thing coming from the soul inside me. I was so happy that this one would be different.

When I noticed bleeding, which turned into a complete miscarriage, I felt so vulnerable. I don't know how to pray to God about this. I keep wanting to pray "Why did this happen? Just SHOW me the mericful reason so I can understand and not hurt." or "Why couldn't I have just had the baby?" I am not trying to accuse Allah swt, and I am not angry with Allah swt. In fact, my prayers have turned into me just being completely honest with Him about my emotions, just telling Him how devasted and sad I feel, and this is when I feel so close to Him, like He knows and He cares so much. But at the same time, strangely, I feel disconnected from Him because He understands and I don't.

I did read one hadith that a miscarried baby will pull his/her mother into Jannah by the umbilical cord. Subhanallah.

Please share your advice/experiences and keep me in your dua during these blessed days...

[kangamitroo]

Originally Posted by youngspiritmom 

Salaam dear Mamas,

In these most blessed first 10 days of Dhul Hijja I am wanting to renew my connection to God, but I am overwhelmed by my to do list and don't really have the energy for my own life due to recent grief....I feel disconnected from Him because He understands and I don't....

I did read one hadith that a miscarried baby will pull his/her mother into Jannah by the umbilical cord. Subhanallah.

Please share your advice/experiences and keep me in your dua during these blessed days...

Oh, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for your sad news. of course, I will keep you in my dua. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I only can be sure that healing will come from Allah swt when it is time, and patience and strength as well. Though it is impossible to see Allah's purpose right now, may you continue to know that all things are done for His purpose. the hadith you mentioned is powerful. I hope you have someone nearby who can offer you comfort as needed.

I was checking in here because of feeling grief for a friend: she is making hajj now, and her father (at home) died suddenly from carbon monoxide. she will be returning inshaAllah from this sacred journey, and will not have him at home any longer. Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Rajioon.

our time together with our loved ones is so precious. may Allah swt help us to be mindful and thankful of his blessings.

[Liquesce]

I'm afraid I don't have any advice that might be helpful to you, but I did want to say I am so sorry for your loss youngspiritmom. 

[1jooj]

YSM, I have walked that path, and no, there really is nothing that anyone else can say or do that will speed the process of getting through it. You'll have to live every day, and you will, and you will do better in time. I will say that in many ways our loss was harder on dh than it was on me. In my case, I had an ectopic, so my health was at risk, and I was more gripped by physical pain and the feeling of being a mom worried about dying and leaving ds behind, and then weaning him because of the drugs. A very different experience from a "spontaneous" miscarriage. But I wish I could take a little bit of that sadness for you.

Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, Ya Allah.  Please guard your heart.

[Amatullah0]

Assalamu alaikum young spirit mom. I'm very sorry for your loss, but remember surah al-inshirah, and take comfort in the fact that every hardship and difficulty that befalls you is coupled with an ease. Allah knows what is best for you, even though sometimes we can't understand. May your lost baby be your companion in jannah inshallah. Allah only gives us tests that we can bear, and that make us stronger inshallah. 

[umsami]

Wa'alaikum Assalam YSM

I've had four miscarriages and four live births. I think the most difficult were the first two...which occured in between DS1 and DS2. I love the hadith about a child who died pulling his parents into Jannah. It does get easier, but it takes time. I remember making up my own little rituals for my lost babies. I also wrote them letters thanking them for the time we had together, however brief. There's something so magical about being pregnant, that I couldn't help but thank them and Allah. Of course, I cried bunches too. Be gentle with yourself.

[noorjahan]

Salam everyone
Eid Mubarak! Hope everyone's eid is filled with much love, blessings and happiness

YSM, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Hope healing process is a bit easier on you.

1jooj, sorry to hear about your struggles in Dubai
and glad that things have started to look bit better. I have a question for you. I'm going to visit Dubai on
a stopover next month. My baby'll be 4 months and I exclusively breastfeed. I'm wondering if I need to feed her in public, let's say in
cabs..restaurent...or even at park/beach etc is that even possible there? Any law on this?

[1jooj]

Eid Mubarak, ladies! It is raining this morning in Dubai. An Eid miracle! 

noorjahan, public breastfeeding is totally OK here. There are various nursing mothers' areas in malls and such, but most places, it's the most normal thing for mom to just turn away, latch baby on and throw something over to feed baby. Or to have a person (dh or a kid) sort of be the barrier between you and the public (more a token than a real, effective barrier). But breastfeeding is expected here.  I have read complaints about cab drivers leering in rearview mirrors, but have never seen it. Most drivers are from Pakistan and I have found most of the drivers I've had to be exceptionally personable. When will you be here? 

[noorjahan]

thanks 1jooj! That's good to know abt nip. I have been very stressed over it, I pump now when I go out (which I find stressful..don't know why)..so while on a short trip I didn't want to spend time in pumping and pumping.
 
I will be there on Dec 2nd, it's gonna be my sister, myself and baby. We are stoping over on our way to Bangladesh. We'll basically stay full 3 days and leave on the 6th. I really just want to relax (of all time I think this probablly isn't a good time for relaxing with baby!)...not going to do that much touristy stuffs. As you mentioned few times, Dubai is full of malls...planning to visit two malls...which is funny caz really we are not doing any shopping! My sister really wants to explore Dubai and she is a bit dissapointed in my lack of interest to see Dubai (really I am just stressed how the baby will be...she can be very fussy at times and can scream for a while!) as usually I live on planning trips! This time things seem so different. Do you live in city center or further?
 
I am going to Bangladesh for a year! I am feeling bit nervous how baby will react with weather and stuffs. But I am so very happy as I've been under serious stress since giving birth. It's a miracle that I averted PPD. My husband has relocated to Bangladesh due to some perosnal reasons. So, he will be seeing baby soon for the first time, which makes me very excited. I am currently buying stuffs that baby will need for a year..her personal care stuffs...shampoo..lotion,,baby oil etc. On the 28th she will get second dose of vaccine those Dtap and stuffs. She will need another one around 6th month...but I'm thinking of postponding that (I don't want her to get vaccine in Bangladesh if I can avoid it)...and give her the missed dose once we are back..anyone thinks that will be a problem? Or should I give her those vax while I am there? I can't make my mind about it. Any opinion?
 
Also, anyone has any tips on surviving a long trip with an infant? I am praying she behaves and ppl dont feel the need to throw stones or whatever they might have handy at me!
 
And also, anyone has any suggestions on things that I should take for baby? Right now, besides her usual shampoo..and stuffs, I have sunscreen (california baby brand), bug repeller, Amber teething necklace (for when the time comes)...I can't think of anything else. May be I am missing something important?
 

[1jooj]

Wow, noorjahan, that will be a long trip. My longest trip with babies was 9 hours at a time in planes, and they were a bit bigger. Still, bfing was it. Kept them latched and nursing as much as possible. There's really no getting around some fussing and some stress, but it has to end sometime, right? I am near the ocean, very close to beach. Not a mall person, though there's no escaping them here. I'll PM you my contact info and you can call/text/email when you're around, if you'd like to visit.