Coming to terms with reality?

[apriljoy]

My five-year-old has always been extremely imaginative, but for a few months now, he's had a very hard time accepting the limits to his imagination. Meaning that, he's having trouble dealing with the fact that the things he imagines cannot always be made real. Increasingly since this summer, he has been coming up with these wonderful, amazing ideas--he's going to build a city, or he's going to set up a camp where cats and dogs serve as counselors and lead the children on hikes and fishing trips. I think it's wonderful that he imagines these things, but almost always, I end up having to break the bad news that his imaginative plans are in conflict with real life possibilities. For instance, we couldn't go to this imaginary camp this evening because (aside from the fact that it only exists in his mind) it was getting late and we needed to get ready for bed. And almost always, he ends up becoming extremely disappointed and breaking down into tears, even falling into tantrums over it.

I'm not quite sure how to handle this. We've talked about how it's good to use our imaginations, but that we also need to acknowledge the real world around us. He has expressed his frustration as this: he knows the things he imagines aren't real, but he wants them to be. [ETA: This was a huge relief...for a while I was unsure whether he even realized how unrealistic some of his ideas were.] I've tried empathizing ("I know it's disappointing that things don't always work the way we want them to.") but explaining that this is just the way life is sometimes. We can't always make things happen the way we want them to. No matter how hard we wish for it, cats and dogs are not going to step up to be camp counselors. When possible, I let circumstances prove themselves (for instance, he sees for himself that our cat is not going to take on the role of camp counselor). Other times, I have to speak up: no matter how marvelous it would be, I can't let him take off down the road on his bike en route to Africa to go surfing.

Any thoughts about this? I've suggested that he find creative outlets for his ideas ("Since we don't have the resources to build an actual city, what if you draw what you're imagining, or build a city using blocks?"), but he's pretty inflexible. He really wants to be able to make things real, and it's causing us both a tremendous deal of heartache. I would greatly appreciate any fresh ideas--I'm all out.

[ElliesMomma]

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Edited by ElliesMomma - 5/28/11 at 11:45pm

[chaimom]

My just-turned-5-yo is like yours, only her fantasy world involves horses, unicorns and pegasuses that live in our backyard, fly next to our car and wait for her outside kindergarten.  I play along when she points them out, especially when they're in the house. "He better not poop on my carpet," which she loves.  Can you just pretend that the imaginary city is there?  Comment on how that tall building blocks the view to the kitchen, or that the cat counselors need to clean their litter box?  Maybe his meltdowns are because he wants someone to join him in his fantasy world.  For my daughter, a little goes a long way, so it's not too bad to play along.  

Good luck!

[apriljoy]

Oh, I'm all about encouraging him to use his imagination. And I do go along with it as much as I can (I spent a good half hour this afternoon helping him make a sign for his camp listing all the safety guidelines, such as "Don't touch fire," and "No swimming next to hungry sharks" --not too long ago, we packed a picnic and headed out to a cemetery to celebrate with the ghosts who he imagined were calling us to invite us to their halloween party), but it often gets to a point where I HAVE to step up and say something. Really, I can't let him take off down the road on his bike. And we thoroughly enjoyed dreaming together about his camp this evening, but when 8pm rolled around, I was getting ready to help him pick out a bedtime story, and he was getting ready to head out the door to go to camp. These are the situations that are causing problems for us. I want to nourish his imaginative self, and I do so whenever it's feasible. Sometimes it's just not feasible, and that's what I'm seeking advice about. How can I help him cope with the disappointment and frustration he's feeling as a result of this?

[SomethingAnonymous]

My 4 year old is the same way.  For things that are technically someday possible.. like building a city, I talk to her about what real life steps would be needed to do that.  It's really hard and frustrating, breaking the news to them that some things aren't real.  It's heartbreaking.  I will be reading to see if anyone else has good ideas : )

[fritz]

My 5yo DS has his first crushingly huge disappointment a few months ago, and he's been coming up against the horrible restrictions of reality quite a bit since then.  He told me this morning that he's finally abandoned his plans to get to Neverland to fly with the fairies and he's given up on making it to Nim's Island to share in her adventures, but he still desperately wants to go to 1985 and ride in Doc's DeLorean (Back to the Future) time machine. 

So far DS has been trying to get himself inside the movies (and no matter how many behind-the-scenes features we watch, while he says he knows the movies aren't real, he still wants to share the characters' adventures), so it's been fairly simple to say that nobody's invented a functional time machine yet.  I'm not sure how we'd handle it if he wanted to do things that were possible in this reality.

We've basically taken the approach that it's a question of time, resources (money), and skill.  Given enough years to study to develop the skills he'll need, enough money to fund his experiments, then maybe DS can try to build his own time/space device.  Of course DS wants to do all this right now, not in 20 years.  I empathize, I acknowledge his feelings, and I let him come up with the next step.  A lot of times, he enjoys drawing out his plans, then telling us about them.  Sometimes he wants to build a device out of Legos or a cardboard box.  He's actually a great problem solver.  But when he's really fixated on doing it the "right" way, I gently remind him about the laws of physics that we have to deal with in the here and now.  He seems to accept it better when we tell him that nobody can do what he wants to do (so maybe he doesn't feel left out that way?).

So, OP, for your original example of riding his bike to Africa to go surfing, I'd have DS look at our globe.  I'd remind him where we live, where Africa is, and point out the vast ocean that lies between us to explain that he couldn't ride his bike across the water.  Then I'd leave it up to him to think of taking a plane or boat, at which point I'd tell him it would take many hours/days to make the journey (giving him necessary information); then I'd ask how he'd pay for the ticket.  Because that's not how DH and I choose to spend our money (so DS could save up his allowance, and when he's old enough get a job to pay for a trip to Africa--those are real options, but he'd probably not want to bother).  If DS had a burning desire to go surfing, though, then we could discuss alternate ways to experience that (closer and cheaper).  We end up taking a beach vacation almost every year, so it wouldn't be too difficult to let him try surfing.  So I'd talk about what it takes to do it for real, all the different resources and people that would be required to help make the idea a reality...and we'd probably get seriously sidetracked halfway through and it would end up that DS didn't really want to go to Africa or learn how to surf, but instead wanted to be a fish, or play on the clouds--but that's my DS, not yours.

Mostly DH and I just agree with DS that it would be cool to do xyz.  We're trying to get DS to understand that most undertakings require a great deal of effort and preparation (and boy was I proud of DS, when he was gearing up for his Nim's Island adventure via the magic portal, he packed a bag with water and other supplies, and let me know where he was going so I wouldn't worry while he was gone...of course, then the magic portal never showed up, and he was quite disappointed when he couldn't summon it, but I loved that he'd put a bit of thought into what he might need while he was off on his adventure).  That doesn't mean we never want him to try anything; we just want him to have realistic expectations.  But we try hard not to rain on his parade, b/c we don't want to crush all his hopes/dreams/imaginings.  However, we know that disappointment is part of life, so for now, when DS is disappointed, we let him feel that fully.  It usually takes him 5-10 minutes to work through the worst of it (tears and all), then he'll move on to something else for a while before revisiting his original idea.

HTH!

[Llyra]

I wish I knew.

Last winter, DD2 had pneumonia. We had snow, and she was crushed that she couldn't go outside to make a snowman. So DH and DD1 and DS went outside, and built a snowman right outside the big front window, facing in so that DD2 could see it. Then when it was done, DH bundled her up and carried her outside for a minute, so she could be the one to put the hat on the snowman. She did, paused a beat, and then promptly broke down into hysteria. We brought her inside and calmed her down, which took almost a half hour. It turns out she believed, with all her heart and soul, that when we put the hat on the snowman, it would come to life like Frosty in the song. She was heartbroken. Completely crushed.

I can see us being headed towards some terrible disappointments, before the age of reality arrives.

In my experience working with children, though-- the distinction between real and fantasy arrives slowly, starting for many kids at about the age of 7. It takes longer for some, and comes a bit sooner for others, but mostly by 71/2 they're starting to "get" that their pretend play really is just pretend and they can usually distinguish between what's possible now, possible maybe someday, and just impossible.

[apriljoy]

Thanks for the replies! Fritz--your ds sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes when we try to work through all the steps, he does lose interest and we head off in another direction. It's good to know that this sort of conflict isn't terribly uncommon for this age. I guess I need to buckle down and continue to help him achieve as much of his dreams as he can--and brace myself for the frustrations when they arise. Llyra--we had a similar experience with my younger son this past Halloween when we put his costume on him. All the time spent talking about how he was going to be a bat for halloween...he thought he was really going to BE a bat (that is, he thought he would  be able to fly around and navigate via echolocation ;). The things that don't occurs to us grown-ups...

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by apriljoy 

Oh, I'm all about encouraging him to use his imagination. And I do go along with it as much as I can (I spent a good half hour this afternoon helping him make a sign for his camp listing all the safety guidelines, such as "Don't touch fire," and "No swimming next to hungry sharks" --not too long ago, we packed a picnic and headed out to a cemetery to celebrate with the ghosts who he imagined were calling us to invite us to their halloween party), but it often gets to a point where I HAVE to step up and say something. Really, I can't let him take off down the road on his bike. And we thoroughly enjoyed dreaming together about his camp this evening, but when 8pm rolled around, I was getting ready to help him pick out a bedtime story, and he was getting ready to head out the door to go to camp. These are the situations that are causing problems for us. I want to nourish his imaginative self, and I do so whenever it's feasible. Sometimes it's just not feasible, and that's what I'm seeking advice about. How can I help him cope with the disappointment and frustration he's feeling as a result of this?

Hugs, comfort and sharing the joy of the imagination with him. "It would be really cool to go to camp right now, wouldn't it? Let's pick out a book for bedtime."

It sounds to me like the problem was that he was tired. Tired kids are not reasonable kids. You might try winding down the play 15-20 minutes earlier and moving into bedtime mode. Once my kids have gone over the edge in terms of tiredness, it's too late. The bedtime routine needs to start before they're tired. He may also need more warning for transitions. "Ok hon, 5 more minutes and we'll have to be done with camp" might give him a bit of time to adjust being back in reality. My younger child needs a lot of transition time.
 

[apriljoy]

Mmm..I'm going to start paying attention to this to see if there's any correlation. He was most definitely over-tired last night. I know that the hard-core planning of imaginary events doesn't correlate, but maybe the frustrations and disappointments that accompany them do. Thanks for the tip!