To preface, I am an only child. I did not grow up around other families with lots of kids, my best friend as a child was also an only. So now that I have two children of my own (and a third due next month), I'm basically completely lost about how to develop their sibling relationship and what kind of limits are appropriate.
For example, toys. DD was an only child until she was 3.5. Even after DS was born, he was an infant and too young to even care about toys. Now that he's 13mo, he's very into following her around and trying to play with the same things she is playing with. Having had the vast majority of the toys all to herself for most of her 4.5 yrs, she's understandably having a hard time adapting to having a little brother tooling around after her and having to share with him. It seems like I'm constantly reminding her to not leave things she doesn't want DS to get on the floor and to share whatever it is that she's doing with him. In other words, I feel like I'm constantly nagging her and I'm afraid she's going to end up resenting her brother. We do talk about how he's just a baby and doesn't really understand, and that has helped. But I still hear a lot of "DS NOOOOO!" followed by crying after he rips a book that was left on the floor or knocked over a tower of blocks. I feel like I end up explaining away his invovlement and blaming her. "DS is just a baby, sweetie, he didn't know any better. If you don't want him to rip your book, you can't leave it on the floor." I don't feel as though this is the best approach, but I've not been able to come up with anything better. I have no expience to draw on.
Also, there are some toys she sees as only hers that I'd like to make community toys. Like all the stuffed animals we have. We have probably 40 or 50 stuffed animals and I'd like to make them available to all the kids, in part because I don't want to buy each kid more stuffed animals when we already have so dang many!! How do I make them available to all kids who are interested without upsetting DD? Or should I? Should all the toys she sees as being hers remain hers? It seems to me that part of being a sibling is learning you have to share and that there is give and take among family. Some things remain entirely hers, but now that DS is old enough to play with other things, like stuffed animals, those are everyone's. Am I completely off base here?
I will say DH does have siblings, but he works 6 days, 50-60hrs a week. I am a stay at home mom and primary care giver. He's not ususally around during these situations. So his expirence isn't really available to be drawn upon. And I'm not big on how he was raised, anyway. The info I get from him kind of reinforces what I'm doing and doesn't really give me much other than making sure there has to be a different way!
One thing DH does that really bothers me is telling DD whenever she and DS go somewhere without us (over to grandparents for the afternoon) that she's the big sister and it's her job to make sure DS is taken care of. I think that's an awful lot of responsibility to place on a 4 yr old and that its not really appropriate. Yes, she's the older sister and can help out if she wants, but I don't feel like it should but forced upon her like that. When I brought that up, he just said that's what older siblings do and as the oldest himself, he was given that responsibility.
I do realize that this is an extremely broad topic and that there are varying ranges of normal for every family/individual. Any advice, basic strategies or book recommendations would be extremely helpful! Thank you!!
