I wonder why....

[doulajewla]

Hello all...

havent posted in some time...trying to peek my head back in sheepishly....ive needed some alone time for the past few years as some adjustments have been ongoing....

Brief story; had 3 c/s, one necessary, two not. had a magnificent homebirth after 3 c/s about 5 years ago. it was wonderful. i want to do it again lol. i got remarried to a wonderful man who had no children of his own. after 2 years we decided to go through some procedures on his part to be able to have children. it was successful and i am 32 weeks pregnant,

My husband did want a hb at first, but after our devastating m/c, he chose not to. he got scared, and has severe anxiety. i agreed to a hospital birth under my conditions....no internals at all, no one touches me, leave lights low, no iv, etc...yeah i know good luck with that lol...i figured i am in charge of my birth, i have an awesome doula, and i know i could do it the way i wanted. so we started seeing a cnm who agreed, but there are no vbacs at this hospital, which i knew. i did prenatals through them, knowing at 28 weeks they were going to transfer my care to a hospital who did vbacs. everyone was in agreement, i confirmed the hospital did do vbacs, off i went into the sunset....

The very nice doctor there remembered me for alot of vbac work i had done while pg with my 4th baby....and she fully supports vbac, however, that hospital only supports VBA2C, not VBA3C. i now had no provider, and some choices to make, a hb or a c/s. i called every hospital within 60 miles and they all said the same thing, yes vba2c, no vba3c.

now, half the time i saw my cnm's whom i do like alot if someone had no previous c/s, they forgot that i was a vbac-er and since i was not having any issues at all, they were in and out for appts and i never asked anything since it was all set for me to vbac at another hospital. now i wonder...did they really know that i wouldnt be able to vbac at that hospital, for that matter no other hospital either....my question mark key doesnt work.....did they send me there only to come back to them with no other option, BECAUSE--they told me up front many many months ago that they cannot and will not transfer my care to a homebirth mw, they cannot. i figure i can get my records, i have a right to that, but i wonder will they give me my records in time for me to find a hb mw.....so of course im wondering now, did they have me pegged for a c/s a long time ago when i dumbly believed id actually get a vbac at a hospital...which is not where i want to be, but i felt confident id get the birth i wanted there because i am strong. i can birth anywhere.

my other issue is that being 32 weeks and due at the end of feb, its so close that no one can help me because they are booked for feb. i know how it is, im a doula and i dont book that close either, so i totally get it. my other problem is finances...normally id have 6 months to do a payment plan for a hb, even though my insurance covers it, they dont pay in a timely fashion...so id probably have to have the money up front. i dont. not even close. we live paycheck to paycheck, and i havent even been able to afford my car to be inspected because we literally have nothing, and i am trying to work as much as i can too. so now being 8 weeks away give or take....its impossible for me to be able to pay a few thousand dollars for a hb. i just cannot have another payment added to our already overdue burdens.

i just had to vent because i dont know what to do really. i am going back to the cnm's to be seen just to check and make sure things are going smoothly, i have some concerns, but not major. i just want to check heartrate and things like that. i also was feeling her feet in my ribs...and 2 weeks ago up till today i have felt her lower and no more feet....i believe she is breech for sure. i feel her big noggin rolling around up there, but not in my ribs either, shes a little lower. i feel kicking down low right where the head is supposed to be rolling around lol. my belly is protruding quite a bit out and down...so i want to talk to someone about that as well. if i was further along, id say i dropped and unfortunately breech...but im only 32 weeks, almost 33. i feel like im going to split right open lololol....i want to make sure theres enough fluid as well. i am doing what i can to coerce my little one to turn, but i know i have time, the only interesting thing is that not one of my babies before were breech at 32 weeks---they all turned vertex at 30 weeks and there they stayed. so its a bit of a different feeling for me lol. im not worried or scared...but i know my options, which seem to be dwindling lol. i know i dont want a c/s unless completely necessary, that i know.

well thanks for reading my big rant....

[NaturalMama311]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I hope you get the birth you want.  I had a c/s with my first (necessary) and I REALLY didn't want to go that route.  But after many tears and sleepless nights I just had to come to terms with the fact that it didn't matter how DD made it into the world, as long as she arrived healthy.  I hope you can find a way to have the birth you want, and if not, I hope you can find peace with the decision you make.

[doulajewla]

im so glad you were able to get comfortable, or sort of comfortable with your c/s. i do feel that no matter which way a baby comes into the world, a baby is still loved, cared for and nurtured the same way if he/she had been born the opposite way. i am starting to feel that no matter what happens, as long as shes ok i will be ok. i just hate the thought of having a c/s after having such a wonderful birth last time, the recovery stinks and im afraid of surgery lol. i panicked each and every time i had a c/s, it was so scary to me. but i survived lol. i will find peace with the decision, whatever that is, that i make. i can feel it inside of me, that i will be ok. thanks for being there...