How/Do I tell the mother - Page 2

[Notyet11]

The more I mulled things over the more I felt horrible about keeping all of this from the mother, I chose to tell both of the parents (separately--I don't often see them both together) that I think they really need to sit down together and have a serious discussion about where they are in regards to discipline and what kind of plan they are putting into place as we approach the next phase of issues.  I heavily stressed to the mother that the father is really struggling with this and that in her absence he was at the end of his rope and was lacking in tools to handle really stressful situations with the children.  They seem to have a strong relationship and I don't feel it is my place to "tattle" but I also did not feel comfortable just letting it go so I felt like this was the best compromise.  While I would be able to see her point if she was mad or even let me go because of keeping this information secret I feel like this covers me a little in that regard as well.  It should be easy for me to follow up with too since we all try to stay on the same page with this type of thing so I can bring it up on Monday and see if they are planning any changes in approach.

[Belia]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, OP.  That this works out well for you, these kids, and your employers.

[Smithie]

I have a different view on this issue - I expect my sitters to treat my husband exactly the way they they treat me, with respect and deference. I'm not interested in my sitter's opinions of our parenting methods. For sure, I'd be hugely unimpressed if she didn't care for the methods of Parent A and tattled to Parent B about it hoping to get something to change.

Maybe this is a nanny vs. sitter issue, and it's much different when the paid caregiver is there day-in, day-out? Because I would be seriously offended if my sitter thought it was her place to be involved in discipline choices or spousal communication, and I sure as heck wouldn't employ her again.

However, stating that she couldn't work for parents who spanked, and quitting? I'd have no problem with that. I'd be grateful that she told me the truth and stood by her beliefs on the issue. And I can't imagine spanking a kid in front of a sitter (or spanking a toddler for tantruming, but that's a whole 'nut her thread...)

[Notyet11]

Smithie,

I do think you bring up some valid points and I think that the situation would be really different if I were there only time to time rather then 55 hours a week and if I hadn't had a conversation with the mother where she told me she was very opposed to corporal punishment.  The fact that it started while she was out of town sent up red flags to me. 

In ten years as working as a full-time nanny this is the first time I have ever been in a position where I felt it might be important to act in some way regarding spousal communication, and I think it would be a different ball game if it were more a case of mom uses time-in and dad uses time-out, that would be silly and petty. One of the biggest reasons I was/am so hesitant to come out and tell her exactly what was happening is because I do really respect that as husband and wife the issue is theirs to work through.  If they had come to a decision to spank I would have no qualms just quitting, it has turned out to be a lot more complex that that though. 

Thank you all for helping me to sort through this, it is certainly not a situation that I ever really wanted to have to handle and I am hoping for the best outcome, whatever that may be.

[texmati]

I'm so glad for this update-- Notyet, you handled it very responsibly, professionally, with respect for everyone involved. I think regular caregivers (full time or live in nanny/daycare etc)are involved in discipline on a different level than an occasional sitter.

[dalia]

Op, you have a lot of integrity. The way I look at it, and my son has two nannies, is that even though we pay them they work for him. Forget your title, employee, nanny, sitter, whatever... as a human being you cannot witness the disrespect of another and not take action. Who cares if anyone is offended. Perhaps the shock of being called out will make him change. And btw, if my dh ever spanked ds for having a tantrum and made him wet his pants, I would more likely divorce him and give my nanny a raise than anything else (he would never, ever do that)..

[Bellabaz]

This is a tough one in that it is an awkward position to be in. But I would approch it as an employee uncomfortable with certain working conditions. It may seem to the father that you are being a busy body but you are not telling them how to run their household however for your own personal reasons you do not wish to work in an environment where this is permitted.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by Notyet11 

The more I mulled things over the more I felt horrible about keeping all of this from the mother, I chose to tell both of the parents (separately--I don't often see them both together) that I think they really need to sit down together and have a serious discussion about where they are in regards to discipline and what kind of plan they are putting into place as we approach the next phase of issues.  I heavily stressed to the mother that the father is really struggling with this and that in her absence he was at the end of his rope and was lacking in tools to handle really stressful situations with the children.  They seem to have a strong relationship and I don't feel it is my place to "tattle" but I also did not feel comfortable just letting it go so I felt like this was the best compromise.  While I would be able to see her point if she was mad or even let me go because of keeping this information secret I feel like this covers me a little in that regard as well.  It should be easy for me to follow up with too since we all try to stay on the same page with this type of thing so I can bring it up on Monday and see if they are planning any changes in approach.

I think this is great.  You put your boundary in place respectfully.  You're not telling them how to parent, but you are letting them know that they risk losing you as a nanny if they spank and that you are direct and trustworthy. 

If that child was so scared that he peed his pants...it's not the first time that he's been hit.