I Think I am Doing Attached Parenting? But I need a break away from the baby sometimes!

[hippymama23]

I am a new mama.  I have skimmed the AP books, but I think we are doing attached parenting.  I have not read the AP book from start to finish.  I am not going to lie to you - I am just not into reading those long parenting books.  Maybe because I am in grad school and have a ton of books to read. I am breastfeeding (he is about 8 months old), we co-sleep, and we hold him all the time.

These are the things that are difficult:

co-sleeping - has interfered with the intimacy and sex life of my husband and me.  I'll put it out there.  The baby sleeps in the middle of the bed.  I miss snuggling and spooning with my husband, among other things.  And I have hear other mamas say, put him in the crib while you fool around.  Baby won't have that - he wants to be snuggled in the family bed.

The baby does not like (in fact, hates) his crib.  He will start crying if I try to put him down in his crib for his naps.  He will take long naps if I nap with him.  I need nap time to get stuff down around the house.  I am a writer and need this time to write, but also get stuff done around the house, like cooking, and cleaning.  But I really want some alone time.

My back is killing me.  I try putting him in the Ergo carrier, but I can't really get a lot done with him in the carrier and he will not let me type on my computer when he is in that.  (He twists and turns and kicks the keyboard when facing out.  he also tries to type on the keyboard too.

Because we co-sleep, this is where he will go down for a nap if I nurse him to sleep.  I try the sneak away move, which works sometimes.  I surround him with pillows that block him from rolling off.  I worry in the coming months that he will be more mobile and might be able to roll completely off the bed.  That is why I want him to nap in the crib because he is safe there if he rolls. 

I feel like it would be a lost cause to try to get him to sleep in his crib, and that it would be against AP guidelines.  I guess if I am doing AP - following his needs... they are to be held all the time, co-sleep, and have my boobies on call 24/7. 

Any thoughts?  I am struggling being a new mama with feelings of insecurity and adjustment to a new role as a stay at home mom.  I just quit my job to stay at home with the baby.  At least by cleaning the house and getting some stuff done I feel like I am accomplishing something.

PS - I know loving my child and nurturing him is accomplishing the greatest thing, but I really do want a clean, organized, healthy home for my baby and my family to thrive in.

New Mama

[1blueheron]

I'm sure others will have lots to say about what AP is.  I just have one practical suggestion for you that worked for us - take side off crib, babyproof area, nurse to sleep in place, sneak away.  

here's a pic of our system (there's a playard fence just to the right):

http://www.flickr.com/photos/56761807@N05/5241432526/

I got my dd to go down this way and not fear the crib by hanging out in there with her.  Best of luck and keep trying until you find things that work for everyone.

[sssheri]

Don't worry baby's habits change fairly quickly. My lo was exactly like you described. She is now 3 months and will nap in swing (she used to only nap on me nursing, in the baby carrier, or co-sleeping. I imagine eventually she will be able to nap on a flat surface like a crib. My best tip would be to get an excercise/birthing ball ($15 from any department store). You can have the baby in the carrier and sit and bounce on the ball while you are on the computer. I had a very fussy newborn and that always calmed her down right away.

The same goes for the intimacy. Now we put ds asleep downstairs (dh wears her in the moby swaddled, or I nurse her to sleep) when she is sound asleep we move her to the co-sleeper and we hang out downstairs for a few hours. Can you sidecar her crib, get a co-sleeper, or use a basinet/playard next to the bed? Ds wasn't able to do this until at least 8 weeks old. 

It gets better, I promise :)

[P.J.]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but AP is not some strict thing where you must adhere to rules or anything like that.

As for sex with the hubby, I think it helps to start imagining your sex life happening other times and places than in bed at night. We do it when the baby naps....yes it's less sexy with the baby monitor hissing right next to our ears, and we inevitably get interrupted as DS only sleeps 30 minutes at a time, but hey it's something. If cosleeping is working for you otherwise and your baby hates the crib, then I would just try other ways to squeeze intimace with your husband in rather than change the sleeping arrangement.

As for naps, we are in exactly the same dilemma. DS is 7.5 months and can already crawl and stand up. We have just got a crib for him and I am dreading trying to get him to nap in there. For the time being he naps on the floor or on me, which kind of works but in the long run I would love it if I could get him to sleep during the day in that crib. I started a thread about it awhile back in the sleep forum, and the best reply I got was that it takes patience and a few weeks of hell and whacked sleep in the day (as the baby wakes up when you lay him down and you have to start all over again and maybe not get him back to sleep) but eventually many babies can be helped to sleep in a crib for naps. To be honest though I'm not sure I have the patience, and I'm already envisioning just taking the crib mattress out and laying it on the floor (that way I can nurse lying next to him and sneak away when he falls asleep). But yeah, I feel ya on that one. And there is nothing wrong with using a crib if it works for you. I think the only "anti-AP" thing about a crib is if a parent forces a baby to sleep in it without gentle help, and then leaves the baby alone to cry in it. BTW the book The No Cry Nap Solution has a chapter about helping a baby to sleep in a crib when he's only slept on you thus far. GL!

About the carrier and getting stuff done: switch the baby onto your back. The Ergo is super for that, and you have your whole arm/chest area free. It made such a difference for us! I can even get him in and out alone....sitting on the sofa for security....but definitely on the back! You'll get a lot more done.

I totally understand where you're coming from though. I recently posted about how I feel kind of guilty because we now have 2 mornings/week childcare. And not because I have to go back to work, I don't, but because mama needed more of a break than occasional papa-time allowed. I know many AP proponents say you should ideally be with your baby all the time until about age three. Well, I couldn't even make it 6 months before I felt like I was going crazy and needed more me-time! But you now what? We do the best we can and it's easy to feel like we need to follow every AP "guideline" to a T, but that's not what it's about. I try to keep my perfectionism in check and remember no mother is perfect and I am doing my best. Reading those books can set the bar pretty high though, I agree. So I hope my little story can help you. You're not alone, we all struggle with those thoughts like we're not doing enough.

[1blueheron]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

 I know many AP proponents say you should ideally be with your baby all the time until about age three. 

Yeah, that's crazy talk, pure and simple.  Even in some idealized state of nature, you'd have grandmothers and aunties etc to take the baby off your hands once in a while.  We cut out friday night takeout so that we could hire a babysitter one morning a week, just for a few hours.  Major sanity saver, since we have no family nearby.

[MaerynPearl]

I just adapted AP to my life (its easier than adapting your life...)

Sex isn't a problem for me, my husband is deployed! But Mae does not sleep in my bed with me because I would not be able to sleep! However, we sidecarred her crib (took off the side and attatched it to our bed) and when hubby is home and baby is sleeping, to be honest, we don't mind doing it right there with her in her crib asleep...

Plus that way I can still snuggle hubby when he's home or have the big kids crawl into bed with me when he's not... and Mae is still a happy camper.

[Asiago]

In order to spoon (even intimacy) try placing baby on your other side. A bolster of some sort (we use a long piece of foam) beneath the fitted bed sheet, will keep baby from rolling off of the bed.

Once baby is mobile try teaching him to get off of the bed on his belly, sliding his feet down to the floor. We taught my son this very early and by 11-12 months he mastered this skill which gave us a bit of relief knowing he wouldn't go head first.

You will likely find that once your son is able to sit up things will become easier in many ways. He'll be stationary but able to play, yet not crawl/walk off somewhere. Until then it's a lot of holding and supporting their little heads and bodies (not an easy stage for any mom!). ETA I'm sorry I thought your baby was younger, he's likely sitting up by now.

Edited by Asiago - 1/7/11 at 4:10pm

[SeattleRain]

The OP says her son is 8 month sold, so he's not a newborn. I just wanted to point that out in case anyone missed it since it seems like people are giving her tips for newborns.

I had to move DS out of the room at 4 months old because he would wake up if my husband and I walked into the room so that wasn't working for anyone, let alone if we wanted to have sex. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. there's nothing AP about being a martyr, AP is about doing what is natural for you. You certainly do NOT need to be with your baby all the time! Does you baby take a bottle? Pump and leave him with a sitter! Being a mom, especially an AP mom, is really hard and exhausting and it is a 24 hour job. You're engaged with your baby all day and then you take the "extra" step of parenting them to sleep at night and through the night. You certainly deserve a break if you need it.

Breastfeeding does not have to be an all you can eat 24 hour buffet. There are a few different people who have methods of setting boundaries on breastfeeding, but it's worth it to look into it if you're getting worn out with all the nursing. It's great that you've been nursing so far and a lot of people quit because they feel frustrated with nursing all the time. It doesn't always have to be that way, the women in the breastfeeding forums could help you out there.

[Snapdragon]

I don't think it has to be about totally sacrificing you till you are exhausted. For example, we do a sidecarred crib which I love- because baby has his own space but he is also right there next to me- but DH and I still have the whole bed to ourselves and can snuggle, etc.

Try to find ways that work for you, and not just going w- what you think should be done according to a method! It doesn't have to be an extreme on any end imo

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by SeattleRain 

AP is about doing what is natural for you. You certainly do NOT need to be with your baby all the time! Does you baby take a bottle? Pump and leave him with a sitter! Being a mom, especially an AP mom, is really hard and exhausting and it is a 24 hour job. You're engaged with your baby all day and then you take the "extra" step of parenting them to sleep at night and through the night. You certainly deserve a break if you need it.

Breastfeeding does not have to be an all you can eat 24 hour buffet. There are a few different people who have methods of setting boundaries on breastfeeding, but it's worth it to look into it if you're getting worn out with all the nursing. It's great that you've been nursing so far and a lot of people quit because they feel frustrated with nursing all the time. It doesn't always have to be that way, the women in the breastfeeding forums could help you out there.

Actually, AP is about doing what is natural for your baby. The very definition of AP is following your baby's cues rather than imposing your own or other people's notions on the baby. That doesn't mean that you can't take a break, of course, but I just wanted to point out that AP is child-centric, not parent-centric, which is why most of us who consider ourselves AP parents flocked to it.

OP, because the definition of AP is simply following your baby's cues, there are no set steps you have to take to be an AP parent-- it's what works for your baby. For example, some babies just can't cosleep well, for various reasons, such as light sleepers who wake up whenever their parents move or whenever they hear a noise. Having them sleep in a sidecarred crib, a bassinet, or even another room doesn't make the parents not AP.

I second trying a back carry with the Ergo, and see if that makes things better for naps on you. Also, I didn't see you mention other places than a crib that you have tried for naps-- have you tried a swing, if he's not too big for one? It took my baby a few months to sleep in her swing after I nursed her to sleep, so if the last time you tried one was when he was very little, you might have some success trying again. Or in the bed where you sleep at night, if he doesn't move a ton in his sleep (my baby doesn't)?

As for nursing at night, there are definitely times when they nurse more than others, and an 8 month old is right at that stage of the next big sleep regression, which often includes more nursing. I also second trying a sidecarred crib to see if you can get him to sleep next to you but in his own space. Sometimes that also helps consolidate nursing sessions-- I think that being right against mama sometimes for some babies encourages them to "snack" all night.

Finally, hang in there!! You're doing a wonderful job!

[lookatreestar]

put your bed against the wall, then sleep next to dh? find somewhere else to be intimate? since the laying down with him and sneaking away works right now, i say stick with it. it worked great for both my kids and i would just lower my bed so when they wake up they just toddle out. my kids would always nap longer if i was with them too, honestly i loved that time to just snuggle and nurse my kid but i know it isn't always possible. not to mention after you have more than one you really can't do that (esp if you older child doesn't nap ). eventually he will learn to sleep for a few hours after you nurse him down. and you can do your thing for a few hours. (for instance my ds is down to nap a day t 18 mos and he sleeps a good 2-3 hours after i nurse him down and sneak out). 8-10 mos was a really hard time because they are still such babies but growing so fast (need lots of mama milk) and learning so much that it makes them sleep funky!

ask for help, dh, MIL anyone if you need it, hire help to clean. honestly the nursing all the time, needing mama all the time does end eventually, then they just want you most the time  you are kind of over thinking AP imo, just do what feels right and take care of you and baby in ways that work for both of you.

[MJB]

There are no rules.

If cosleeping isn't working for you, you don't have to cosleep. You could move your son to a crib or other bed (maybe an adult mattress on the floor so you could lie down with him as needed). Also, if you want to snuggle, put him on one side, instead of the middle of the bed and snuggle! For sex, you just need to find an alternate location. We use the guest bed when the baby's asleep in our bed. There's also the shower, couch, floor, etc. 

If you want to wear him around the house, try putting him on your back in the Ergo. That's the only way I wear my 5 mo. old. If you don't want to wear him, it's okay. He can play on the floor. I rarely wear my baby when I'm at home (only if I really need to do something and she is too tired to play by herself). 

Have a friend or neighborhood kid come over and hold the baby so you can do stuff around the house. Get a babysitter and go on a date with your husband. Really!

This will not last forever. My older boys are 8 and 5 and it seems like forever ago that they needed to be held and nursed all the time. My house isn't in the best shape right now but I have the rest of my life to have a spotless house. Babies are only small for a short time. 

[hippymama23]

Good stuff ladies and here I was trying to locate the delete post button just last night because I thought I overshared and was very vulnerable.  I am very appreciative of your responses and some just made me laugh, which I needed.  I am going to an AP support group meeting on Tuesday so that will be nice.  I think because I had not researched AP to the extent of graduate level work and was doing what I felt the baby needed, I wasn't sure it if was AP.  I thought I needed (in my trying to be perfect mom head) a certification for AP.  I just need to know that I am a great mama with a great support system (you guys).  Sometimes it is easier to put it out there when you are anonymous.  You guys are beautiful!

[texmati]

If you do have copy of 'the baby book' by dr sears, in the first few pages there is a small blurb about how a book can't tell you how to raise your baby, only your baby can tell you. I think that's the crux of what AP is.

[HeckedyPeg]

Originally Posted by memomuse 

I feel like it would be a lost cause to try to get him to sleep in his crib, and that it would be against AP guidelines.  I guess if I am doing AP - following his needs... they are to be held all the time, co-sleep, and have my boobies on call 24/7. 

I know there are some hardcore AP people out there, but most AP's I know (myself included) make it work for them. Don't feel like you HAVE to do (or not do) things if they're just not working for you. If co-sleeping isn't your thing, then help baby transition into another sleeping arrangement, you don't want to start feeling resentful because you are holding yourself to an impossible standard!

My DS loves to co-sleep, like thisclose to me ... I just can't sleep that well when he's being the tiniest bedhog known to man. I have put our mattress on the ground and put his crib mattress on the ground next to it; he starts the night there and then comes into bed with me around 4am when DH leaves for work (we can stretch out!). That is just what worked for us! If you do continue to co-sleep, I would invest in some infant bedrails, that will give you more safety as far as rolling off the bed is concerned. DH and I have found other places around the house work good for intimate times when the bed is not available. 

I get my DS to take naps in our mei tai carrier, or I put him in his swing; he won't nap on the bed for very long but the swing is soothing. I'm also a full time grad student, I feel your pain! Nap time is precious as gold ... 

I think if you go with your gut and do what feels right you'll be fine. You wouldn't want "mainstream" parents pressuring you to CIO, don't feel pressured from the AP perspective to do the things that don't work for you. 

It's hard, but you're doing it! :)

[MsFortune]

Originally Posted by memomuse 

 I guess if I am doing AP - following his needs... they are to be held all the time, co-sleep, and have my boobies on call 24/7. 

Yeah, well Mommy has needs, too.  

[lucy_v]

memomuse, here's what worked for us when DD started crawling. We created a "bed" of blankets on the rug in her room (which is otherwise safe for her to crawl around in). I would nurse her to sleep there and slip away. We worried that we'd have our daughter sleeping on the floor forever, but then magically at 9 months, I moved her from the floor to her crib (asleep) and she stayed! Then, she would even wake a little and see where she was, but fall back asleep. We still use the floor setup when she isn't sleeping well (like now, as she's teething), but we can put her in the crib without a problem most other times. We still cosleep, but she starts out the night in the crib and then when she wakes, I bring her into bed with us.

[matthia]

I totally second re-arranging your bedroom so that you LO sleeps between you and the edge of the bed (with the bed against a wall, with a bolster or with a bed rail, of course). I need that spooning time with my hubby too!

Also, I see you;re a grad student, so I imagine you have a lot of reading/writing to do. Not too easy with an active babe. However, I know that Finn's a lot more interested in play right now than he was even a month ago, and frankly, I don't think he cares where I am a lot of the time (granted not for an extended period of time). Anyways, my suggestion: have you thought about hiring a mother's helper a few hours a week? someone who can come over and hang out with the baby while you work (or hell, nap)?

Also, like everyone else pretty much has said, You make AP work for YOU, you don't drive yourself crazy trying to fit yourself into an ideal AP style. If you're going crazy, there is A LOT to be said to doing something for yourself. Now, I haven't left Finn alone even with my husband for longer than an hour and a half but I do go for walks in the evening by myself and I have signed up for a pottery class for 2 hours one evening a week....I'm moderately terrified of leaving Finn for so long, especially at night but I know he will be just fine with his daddy and I know that I will feel SO GOOD for that little bit of entirely selfish ME TIME!!

[Hunnylocs]

I also recommend wearing your baby on your back in the Ergo.  We love the Ergo.  I use the Ergo all the time when we're in the house, but only in the house when it's naptime.  She no longer takes naps in her crib.  I'll wear her on the front when I can lay back on the couch and nap with her, but I wear her on my back when her nap time coincides when I need to get things done around the house.  She actually naps longer when I wear on my back.  The only glitch is that you can't sit down when the baby's on your back, or you need to sit on the edge of your chair if you want to sit at your desk and get something done while seated.  Just a sidenote, my family lives in southern Africa and we see women carrying babies on their backs ALL the time, these babies are never crying, they're just taking in the scene as their mammas walk around, and snooze whenever they want.  There's definitely something to it.  

[katelove]

Hi,

I have an almost 8 month old. We co-sleep and one of our best purchases has been a $60 set of bed rails. I spend at least half the night in the middle so DH and I are snuggling and J is on the outside. And, I was just saying in another thread, some of our nicest moments have been spooning while J feeds. Now she is more mobile we have put our matress on the floor but we've left the bedrails in place because they mean we can sleep closer to the edge of the bed so it's not as squashy.

We have sex in another room. And sometimes naptime is better than nighttime.

I consider myself/our family a combination of AP and continuum concept. DH and I believe that it is important for J to be closely bonded to both of us. Can you DH take over some of the babywearing and other activites so you can have a break? DH and J go shopping together and for a long walk (an hr or so) most mornings. He also settles her if she wakes up in the evening and isn't hungry. Now she has started some solids they have breakfast together most mornings so I can sleep in. I know some babes have a strong mummy preference so not all of these ideas are for everyone but it might be worth a try.