Friend wants DD to come over by herself - Page 5

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Heck, the whole formal invitation playdate thing is really new in the world of parenting anyway.
  

This is so true! I'm much happier, frankly, with the general rule that my children play outdoors on the block where I can see them. I think this is so much easier for all of the parents, too. Of course, it's hard now because of the cold, so our social lives are focused more on church and having a few friends over here to play. I feel kind of blessed that none of my dds' friends' parents are pushing for the get-togethers to be in their homes, everyone seems pretty happy with it being at our house. My 10yo did recently spend some time at the home of our neighbors, who we are comfortable with, but her friend's little brother, who was four, was really wild and kept attacking my dd, so she and her friend have decided it's better if she comes to play at our house. Which is totally cool with me.

[peainthepod]

Your husband's gut instincts should be honored and it's awesome that you agree. Imagine if the roles were reversed: a mama here had weird or bad gut feelings about another parent, who was repeatedly asking for alone time with their child (even to the point of asking the young child if she wanted to come over by herself--so inappropriate IMHO), but the DH didn't share those weird feelings and thought it would be fine. How many posters in this thread would tell the mama she was probably overreacting because of her past history of abuse, that she should just let her DH make the executive decision and that it was all in her head?

The refrain I see most often on MDC is, "Trust your gut." That this is a good policy in general is borne out by the research and by most people's anecdotal experiences. An entire book (The Gift of Fear) has been written about how our gut instincts protect us from danger and we ignore them at our own peril.

Your husband has a bad feeling about this woman, so the solo playdate doesn't happen--period. His history of abuse may be making him more likely to see red flags that others might miss. Personally, as someone with my own abuse history, I would be very creeped out by her insistence and the fact that she appeared to be trying to pressure my child since my DH was reluctant. Not cool, and while it may be totally innocent, why take that chance? I'd say no too.

[seashells]

Originally Posted by peainthepod 

Your husband has a bad feeling about this woman

Just to be clear, he doesn't have a bad feeling about Dee. Well, perhaps I'm being presumptuous by saying that, but I know my husband does not voluntarily spend a minute of time hanging out with people he has a bad feeling about. And since I've started this thread, the unfolding friendship has continued. He's seen her (with DD and her son), we've seen her (ditto DD and her son and also her husband), plans have been made for the future as well. 

It was just the request itself that he wasn't comfortable with. I'm sure he will be comfortable in the future. I don't think Dee was out of line to make it, either, it just is what it is.

Some of this has only become clearer to me after starting the thread.

Since starting this thread, I've concluded that there is no problem. I was always more comfortable with it, so I never thought Dee was out of line to ask. And I feel comfortable that DH is not out of line to not be ready yet. It will probably just be a matter of easing into it. Last time we saw them, Dee actually took DD and her son to a different area of the public place we were in and left DH and I to talk with some other people. DD was out of our sight (though we could have gone to find her) and DH was perfectly fine with it. So I think this is really a non-issue.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by suzywan 

I would trust my husband.  I also think "playdates" are overrated.  Most children spend hours each week with other children - either siblings, at daycare, or at school.  There is no special need for extra time with friends until a child is much older ~middle-school aged. I cannot tell how much I witnessed/experienced as a young kid (4-9) back in the days of limited parental supervision in the late 70s/early 80s.  And it was less of a matter of adults perpetrating abuse; more often, it was the kids doing it....

That said, I don't judge anyone who does participate in playdates, just that they are not a priority for me.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience as a child but I strongly disagree from a developmental perspective. I think it's important for children to spend time playing with just one other child. I can't imagine feeling that it isn't important until MIDDLE SCHOOL.

[suzywan]

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

Originally Posted by suzywan 

I would trust my husband.  I also think "playdates" are overrated.  Most children spend hours each week with other children - either siblings, at daycare, or at school.  There is no special need for extra time with friends until a child is much older ~middle-school aged. I cannot tell how much I witnessed/experienced as a young kid (4-9) back in the days of limited parental supervision in the late 70s/early 80s.  And it was less of a matter of adults perpetrating abuse; more often, it was the kids doing it....

That said, I don't judge anyone who does participate in playdates, just that they are not a priority for me.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience as a child but I strongly disagree from a developmental perspective. I think it's important for children to spend time playing with just one other child. I can't imagine feeling that it isn't important until MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Why is it important, developmentally, to play with only one other child?  In how many cultures around the world it is the norm to have playdates of this kind? In any case, most children would get that experience, either from family or the children of family friends who visit when the parents visit.  I suppose if one is an extreme introvert with an only child and no cousins, etc, it would be important to have them involved in playdates of this nature. 

I suppose middle school is a bit extreme - more like 3rd grade or so, when the child can make appropriate decisions (to a degree).

No abuse was visited on me per se, I just witnessed a lot.  I think it's more the rule rather than an exception.  Children aren't socialized well by other children, they need adult involvement.  Not to the point of hovering, but enough so things don't get out of hand.
 

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I invited kids over to play when my daughter was that age too.  I didn't want the parents there, because I just wanted my daughter to have someone to play with.  I didn't want to host adults too.  I wanted someone to keep my daughter busy while I cleaned, or packed.

I didn't really send my child to someone's house very often without me either.  But, I certainly wouldn't be suspicious or wonder what the motives were.  

The motives are probably just normal.  "We don't want to entertain the grownups, but we'd love it if our son had someone to play with for a few hours".

[seashells]

So, this is ancient but some people enjoy knowing how a story ends, so here goes. The topic eventually came up again with Dee, and DH finally blurted out that he just wasn't comfortable with having DD under anyone else's care just yet. Dee took it well. I'm sure she must have had some thoughts about it but just let it be. DH later emailed her and told her he hoped he didn't make her feel bad, and that it was his issue and had nothing to do with her. She said it was fine and indeed she seemed just as happy to get together and hang out as always.

So more time passes (months) and she doesn't push him anymore again. I don't either. We continue to get together, and I would say DH and Dee have gotten to be pretty good friends, actually. I mean, me and Dee too but Dee and DH seem to have more in common and click especially well. Last week, he came home with DD from somewhere, and he had bumped into Dee. He told me that he told her that he had thought about it and he was cool with it now. I didn't grill him about his thought process, I just said "great" and started making plans with Dee for a kid exchange, lol.

So, yay, a little time and lack of pressure and everyone's happy. That is all!

[mammal_mama]

Thank you so much for updating us! I'm glad everything worked out great!