Did finding out the sex help you feel bonded?

[Blanca78]

This is my first (after a molar pregnancy last year) and as the pregnancy has progressed, I'm worried that I'm not feeling bonded enough. I'm happy and excited (and sometimes unbearably impatient to meet my baby), but at the same time at 24 weeks I'm still having trouble feeling super connected. Part of it is I'm not showing a ton, so I lack the visual confirmation, although I am feeling a lot of movement. I just...I don't know. It's there and I love feeling it move but I feel almost like I'm numbed to its presence somehow. It's just hard to believe it's real, and now my due date is coming up fast!

We have a card containing the sex. haven't opened it yet. I had originally felt strongly about waiting until birth to find out but lately I'm wondering if opening the card will help me see this baby more as a person, not just a thing inside me that moves around. Make it less abstract. Let me more easily envision life with this baby after it's born.

If you found out the sex, do you feel like it helped you bond? If not, were there any other things you did that helped you feel closer/more excited and connected?

[Lauren82]

Hi Blanca,

I finally did find out the sex of our baby and I am still not feeling very bonded at all. :( I think that because of prior loses I have managed to distance myself from this pregnancy. It still has not hit me that there will be a baby in April and I've been feeling rather depressed because of it. Hopefully others will have some good bonding advice for you.

[Blanca78]

Sorry you're feeling that way. I feel like I'm in a similar boat--I have to admit it's comforting at least to know I'm not the only one.

Originally Posted by Lauren82 

Hi Blanca,

I finally did find out the sex of our baby and I am still not feeling very bonded at all. :( I think that because of prior loses I have managed to distance myself from this pregnancy. It still has not hit me that there will be a baby in April and I've been feeling rather depressed because of it. Hopefully others will have some good bonding advice for you.

[texmati]

I had trouble bonding my first pregnancy, and knowing the sex helped a bit (I also had a strong gender preference, so a lot of bonding was tied up in that). With my second pregnancy, I'm due in two weeks, and it hadn't really helped. The only times I do feel that 'i'm gonna have a baby glow' do have to do with hairbows and stuff, but in general, I just feel down about it.

So... no real help in bonding during pregnancy. BUT, on the upside, after the baby came, it was like night and day. I had the happy bf hormones, and I was totally in love with motherhood and my baby. I had really been worried about bonding/ppd issues because of my lack of feeling toward the baby during pregnancy, but was pleasantly surprised that the fog lifted.

[ledzepplon]

First, let me tell you how sorry I am about your previous loss. I'm sure that complicates your feelings this time around. :hug

I "found out" with my first two, then let it be a surprise with my third. While not knowing was exciting, I can honestly say that I DID feel less bonded to baby #3 because I didn't know his gender. It was just harder to visualize him ahead of time without knowing a name or knowing which room he's eventually share, or imagining his physical characteristics.

While being surprised is great, I think having that one moment of "It's a boy/girl!" is not the end all be all. If you suspect that knowing the gender ahead of time will give you more peace and more of a sense of connectedness to your babe, then I vote go for it.

I wish you all the best!

[myk]

yes, it helped me, but that's me. it's not for everyone.

[gummibears]

We were already bonded long before I knew she was a girl. Well, actually, my instincts told me she was a girl, the ultrasound just confirmed what we and all our firends and family already knew. The moment I really bonded with her the most was when I started to feel her move and more so once the constant kicks came in.

[sarahn4639]

I have 3 and haven't found out with any of them and yes, I think I would have felt more bonded prenatally if I had found out.  But, that doesn't change things for me.  I love the anticipation and the feeling of discovering the baby's sex after all those months and hours of labor is the *best* feeling to me!  It's like an extra bonus reward to having the baby in my arms.  It is totally worth the feeling of not being as bonded as it seems other moms are prenatally.  As soon as the baby is out and in my arms it's an instant bond and not having that prenatally hasn't had an impact.  I think one of the biggest things is the baby having a name, that seems to give it more of an  identity.  I wouldn't name the baby prenatally anyway because I like to get to know the baby before deciding on a name. 

Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's okay not to feel super bonded to the baby prenatally.  (I still have love and the thought of losing the baby is terrible to me, I just don't feel like I *know* the baby prenatally)  If you think that it will make your pregnancy better for you to know the babies sex, then go for it.  Only you can know what the best decision is for you and this pregnancy. 

[MamaChef]

((hug)) losses sometimes make it hard for us to bond.  Im so sorry you had that experience.

My first baby I didnt find out and although I felt bonded to pregnancy it wasnt until the very end where I let myself give in to the gender dreams that I felt bonded to the actual baby.  If that makes any sense.  I loved feeling the baby move and marveled that there was a baby, but it all felt so abstract until I could picture this life inside me more fully.

This pregnancy I felt like the baby was a girl in the beginning, but I didnt really want a girl because I was struggling with how I'd be able to love any baby as much as I love DD.  I felt like if it was a boy somehow it would allow me to love the baby an "equal" amount without taking anything away from DD.  LOL.  I know, a bit silly in retrospect, but this wasnt a planned pregnancy and Id hoped to wait till the spring to start trying. 

We did choose to find out this time and I am glad we did.  I have been able to work through those initial fears and see how wonderful it will be for DD to have a sister.. how much I always longed for a sister as an only child.. and to become excited about being the mother of 2 little girls and all the fun stuff that comes with that in the future.

[Smokering]

Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's okay not to feel super bonded to the baby prenatally.

This! You say you're excited about the baby and want to meet it - that's a pretty good attitude to have! I'm 18 weeks (haven't found out the sex yet, but we're planning to), and I have those moments sometimes, but not that often. Mostly, if I think about having the baby in a positive way, it's along the lines of "I can't wait to not be pregnant again" - and very often when I think about having two children, I'm mostly scared of the logistics, worried about PPD and so on.

And I don't think that makes me a bad mother.

Right now I'm giving the baby everything he or she needs - warmth, food, "love" as far as an 18-week-old fetus can conceive of it, if at all - but presumably he/she feels secure and content in there. And I'm not huffing glue. So, go me. The baby doesn't care one jot if I feel "bonded" or not. I don't personally hold to a spirituality that is big on communication between mothers and their unborn babies - I guess it doesn't preclude it, but in my circles we don't get many of those "She appeared to me in a dream the night she was conceived and said we should call her Rose" stories, so I don't feel any particular pressure to be "in tune" with the baby or feel like I know it. You know? I figure I have plenty of time to get to know the baby once we can actually see each other and interact.

So, if you want to feel bonded, maybe knowing the sex will help; maybe not. But if you just feel guilty that you "should" have some mystical connection to your baby, don't. That's not everyone's style.

We're finding out the sex for largely practical reasons - name-choosing and knitting! - and I'm not really expecting to feel any "closer" to the baby afterwards. I guess we'll see! I do hope to feel a bit more positive about the pregnancy once I've seen the baby via ultrasound - just to make sure it's a singleton and has the right number of arms and legs - but that's just a paranoia thing, not a bonding thing. :p

[mommytoallh]

I am 34w & 5d today and this week is the first week I have been using the baby's name. I think having 2 prior losses and complicated pregnancies it was harder for me to not necessarily bond, but think of the baby as real or guaranteed. I had to get to a certain gestational point to feel comfortable and excited. Knowing the sex made no real difference for me, I have known and not know.

[kawa kamuri]

Yes, it made all the difference for me. My SO didn't want to find out and while I can, in theory, dig the romance of not knowing until birth I also felt detached from the nameless, faceless, sexless completely ambiguous person growing in my body. Tonight the kids and ate dinner and talked names. One day soon this baby will have a name and we'll all talk about him as if he's part of our family - a real person rather than a yellow/green mystery. I needed to feel bonded to this child rather than a big void. I'm busy, overworked, often lost in day-to-day with little time for daydreaming about who "it" is. He's already so mysterious! Knowing I'll welcome a son into my arms makes me feel wonderful. I hope you come to a place of peace with your decision, whatever it is

[liliaceae]

Yes.

[mamaw/two]

It helped me, but I am probably to caught up in what gender I'm having, what name we are going to use, and having everything prepared ahead of time.  I like being able to talk to the baby and call him/her by name, it makes it all more real to me.

[Blanca78]

Thank you all so much. It really, really helps to have so many of you assure me that just because I may not be one of those communing-perfectly-with-my-baby-since-conception people that I am not abnormal or a bad mom. And I am sure that part of this does have to do with my prior loss. The first trimester of this pregnancy (and well into the second) I was just so petrified there would be something wrong, and now that it appears all is well I feel like it's hard to believe it's actually happening.

We still haven't opened the envelope. I'm not sure if we will, but it's nice to know it's an option.

[tzs]

Originally Posted by Blanca78 

Thank you all so much. It really, really helps to have so many of you assure me that just because I may not be one of those communing-perfectly-with-my-baby-since-conception people that I am not abnormal or a bad mom. And I am sure that part of this does have to do with my prior loss. The first trimester of this pregnancy (and well into the second) I was just so petrified there would be something wrong, and now that it appears all is well I feel like it's hard to believe it's actually happening.

We still haven't opened the envelope. I'm not sure if we will, but it's nice to know it's an option.

agh! you beat me to the punch!

i think some of us, myself included, are just not built to have this super pre-natal bond. i'm more of a realist, albeit a pretty jaded realist. with dd i was super excited and anxious and nervous but not "bonded" in that way that they make you feel like you're supposed to be....like in a cheesy yoga video where they tell you to hug your belly and "connect" with your baby.....gag me! i had a couple of ultrasounds and listened to the heartbeat and all that and my OB would get all excited like i was supposed to also but for me it was just like, "eh, that's cool" but i was mainly interested in making sure everything was checking out ok....i wasn't there to have a "moment", yk?

i did have a slight feeling that i was missing something but the excitement was enough for me.

i didn't find out gender. i think it might have had the opposite effect for me. i'm kind of really into the mystery of the whole experience and letting things be...i think that adds to the excitement. to be honest (and not to offend b/c it;s just a personal thing) it kind of creeps me out to hear people referring to their very unborn babies by their name etc.... it's like this alternate reality where the kid is "there" IRL but not really. i dunno.

[Jenne]

Hey lady! Congratulations on 24 weeks! That is awesome!

Before I answer your actual question I just have an observation which you can feel free to throw right.out.the.window! I think it is really normal for women who have had losses to have a more difficult time bonding in the traditional way pregnancy bonding is portrayed. You (and I) have experienced a different end to pregnancy and one that is, frankly, hard to get excited, touchy-feely, lovey dovey over. Yes, you are absolutely pleased and impatient but beyond that, for me, I had to shelter and protect my heart a little. That's a tough place to be and work through but I think is, really, really normal. So regardless of whether you decide to find out whether you have a darling girl or boy getting ready to join your family be really gentle with yourself and know that no matter what your baby knows without a doubt that it is wanted and loved. And really, what better bond is there than that?

As for your question: Knowing I'm having a girl and knowing her name has really helped me to feel like this is going to be real. Every kick from then on felt more significant and meaningful. But that is me. I was really surprised by it though...DH wanted to know and I didn't. I decided we would find out because DH is wonderful and doesn't have strong opinions very often so I was happy to oblige. When she didn't cooperate though I thought I would come unglued! It was surprising. I even cried! Knowing has helped me to write her letters and think about her as an individual person instead of an amorphous being living in stomach. But whatever you decide it will be right for *you*.

I wish you all the best as your pregnancy leads to motherhood outside the womb!
Jenne

[dogmom327]

I found out at 21 weeks that I was having a little boy.  At that time I felt really bonded but then the moment he was born I felt this weird disconnect.  It's hard to explain.  There weren't any lovey dovey feelings.  I took good care of him but I didn't really feel like I loved him for awhile (obviously that all resolved itself eventually).  With DD 2 years later, I was sick throughout my pregnancy and to be honest, I wasn't happy about being pregnant at least for the first few months (and even once I was glad to be having her, I was too sick to be happy).  DH really wanted to know the gender.  I didn't but I caved because it was so important to him.  But alas, she had her legs crossed and so we didn't find out until she was born.  It was a completely different experience.  I didn't feel bonded when I was pregnant.  I looked forward to having a baby but wasn't particularly bonded with this baby.  But the moment she was born I fell head over heels in love with her.  It was awesome.  I think for me (and this maybe doesn't apply to anyone else), seeing him on the ultrasound (we happened to get a very clear picture--it wasn't the normal blurry ultrasound) and being 100% sure he was a boy (we even gave him a name that day) set up a lot of expectations I didn't realize at the time.  I think there's also something to be said for seeing your baby like that, I think I got the endorphin rush too early if that makes sense.  With DD, I had no idea what to expect and I think that was useful for me.

I know for me, there is no way I want to know the gender next time.  For whatever reason I suspect that doesn't work well for me.

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by tzs 
 it kind of creeps me out to hear people referring to their very unborn babies by their name etc.... it's like this alternate reality where the kid is "there" IRL but not really. i dunno.

My baby IS here. He's not coming by ocean liner or from outer space. He's not currently in some remote factory being assembled, waiting to be shipped over. The stork is not bringing me a baby. He's right now inside of my body going where I go hearing his brothers and sisters, being poked by curious and eager fingers, experiencing life alongside us all. We don't know the details of his features or the weight of him in arms or the sound of his mewing but he is real and he is present. I'm the sort who finds it beyond bizarre to use terms like "arrival" or "coming" or "so and so is here!" because in my mind that baby has been here but just on the inside growing up enough to be born. So, for me, the alternate reality is where there's a disconnect to the fact that the baby is indeed right there under just a little flesh. I respect the thought process of other mamas fully but for me it's completely incomprehensible that my baby is elsewhere 'cause he's not. While the process is full of mystery, beauty and magic the notion that baby is not here is fairy tale to me.  

[DivineMrsM]

Yes, it helped me both times, but especially the second time. I had REALLY high hopes of having a girl the second time around. When I got the ultrasound and found out he was a boy, I was devastated.  For weeks, I would cry about the loss of the daughter I'd never  have.  I went and got a 3D ultrasound, cuz I wanted to try to bond with him and get over my disappointment. And I did! Well, mostly! lol I still have some disappointment, but not that he's not a girl, just that I don't HAVE a girl. But my second son is the most amazing and beautiful boy I've ever known. I am lucky to have him. And getting to know who he was in there, helped me bigtime. If I hadn't known till he was born that he was a boy, I would have still been upset. Instead, I found out and dealt with it and went on to have an amazing birth experience with no ill feelings whatsoever. Good luck with your decision!