Did finding out the sex help you feel bonded? - Page 2

[tzs]

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

Originally Posted by tzs 
 it kind of creeps me out to hear people referring to their very unborn babies by their name etc.... it's like this alternate reality where the kid is "there" IRL but not really. i dunno.

My baby IS here. He's not coming by ocean liner or from outer space. He's not currently in some remote factory being assembled, waiting to be shipped over. The stork is not bringing me a baby. He's right now inside of my body going where I go hearing his brothers and sisters, being poked by curious and eager fingers, experiencing life alongside us all. We don't know the details of his features or the weight of him in arms or the sound of his mewing but he is real and he is present. I'm the sort who finds it beyond bizarre to use terms like "arrival" or "coming" or "so and so is here!" because in my mind that baby has been here but just on the inside growing up enough to be born. So, for me, the alternate reality is where there's a disconnect to the fact that the baby is indeed right there under just a little flesh. I respect the thought process of other mamas fully but for me it's completely incomprehensible that my baby is elsewhere 'cause he's not. While the process is full of mystery, beauty and magic the notion that baby is not here is fairy tale to me.  

yeah, of course the baby is HERE but right now you really know nothing about him/her. i mean, you can guess but you don't know his/her personality, his/her essense, who he/she IS. listen, people have different viewpoints, for me, i don't really KNOW my baby until i meet him/her in the flesh. like i said, there are people out there who are more connected to the in-the-womb experience. it's just not me. and it might be a little bit of a cultural thing too. i mean, we don't even buy a diaper for the kid until he's born. we don;t name them, we try not to have ultrasounds, we really try to respect the mystery and the holiness of what's going on in the womb as much as possible. it's just something we really can't control, try as we might.

[Beverly]

Originally Posted by sarahn4639 
Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's okay not to feel super bonded to the baby prenatally.  (I still have love and the thought of losing the baby is terrible to me, I just don't feel like I *know* the baby prenatally)  If you think that it will make your pregnancy better for you to know the babies sex, then go for it.  Only you can know what the best decision is for you and this pregnancy. 

I agree so completely with this.  You said it so perfectly.  I'm working on #5, and I never feel especially "bonded" in the knowing sense to my babies before they're born.

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by tzs 

yeah, of course the baby is HERE but right now you really know nothing about him/her. i mean, you can guess but you don't know his/her personality, his/her essense, who he/she IS. listen, people have different viewpoints, for me, i don't really KNOW my baby until i meet him/her in the flesh. like i said, there are people out there who are more connected to the in-the-womb experience. it's just not me. and it might be a little bit of a cultural thing too. i mean, we don't even buy a diaper for the kid until he's born. we don;t name them, we try not to have ultrasounds, we really try to respect the mystery and the holiness of what's going on in the womb as much as possible. it's just something we really can't control, try as we might.

I was just trying to offer a non-creepy perspective 

[tzs]

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

Originally Posted by tzs 

yeah, of course the baby is HERE but right now you really know nothing about him/her. i mean, you can guess but you don't know his/her personality, his/her essense, who he/she IS. listen, people have different viewpoints, for me, i don't really KNOW my baby until i meet him/her in the flesh. like i said, there are people out there who are more connected to the in-the-womb experience. it's just not me. and it might be a little bit of a cultural thing too. i mean, we don't even buy a diaper for the kid until he's born. we don;t name them, we try not to have ultrasounds, we really try to respect the mystery and the holiness of what's going on in the womb as much as possible. it's just something we really can't control, try as we might.

I was just trying to offer a non-creepy perspective 

eh....it's not so hard to creep me out. ;)
 

[Mamatoabunch]

No, I found out w/ my first pregnancy, twins, but not w/ the rest. I do know the sex w/o any U/S though by intuition, but never verified.

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

I had several early miscarriages before my DD, and I had a hard time bonding. I barely admitted I was pregnant the first 12 weeks (even with HG and 3 ultrasounds), and was very apprehensive until the 20 week scan. We found out, and being able to call the baby "her" instead of "it" seemed to help a lot. I plan to find out for all future pregnancies for that reason.

[Stayseeliz]

Hmm..Good question. We found out at 22w and I don't know if it is really helping me feel more bonded or not. DH sometimes refers to the baby by the name we've picked but I just call her "baby" or "girl". I think having previous losses just wierds some people out. I do still feel detached. I'm excited but nervous. It's getting to the point where I need to start buying things since I might have 10ish or less weeks (DD2 came at 37w) and it makes me nervous to have little baby clothes around. I can't wait to meet this child but I totally feel detached to an extent. Just hang in there and go with your gut!

[sere234]

Oh my yes, the 20 week ultrasound and knowing the sex was a huge turning point in my pregnancy. I felt so much more secure about everything and was able to trust the baby. Seemed like my fears and worries declined significantly!!!

[pollyanna123]

Good question. My answer is that it hasn't made a difference in the strength of my bond to my unborn babies, but it delayed it when I didn't know.

We found out with DD and DS, and I felt bonded to them shortly after the 20w u/s. This time around, we didn't find out and it took me until 30w to feel the same strength of bonding. 

This issue was one of the main reasons I was considering finding out again, but I'm glad we didn't! I'm 36 weeks now and feel plenty bonded to the baby. 

[Thparkly]

I was very surprised to find out that finding out the sex didn't help me bond as much as I thought it would.  What helped me was talking to my mom about our family and traits we all inherit, going to the store to buy little baby socks and leaving them where I can see them around the house, and simply having random visions of a little noodle in baby ducky pajamas crying, smiling, laughing, etc.  Still, it's mostly superficial affection right now though, not deep bonding, and I'm OK with that. Once baby comes out and the horomones kick in, I know within a few weeks from the birth (or hopefully sooner) it will transform me. Until then, I just wonder the the heck this little alien fishy swimming in my belly could possibly turn out to be:-)

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by mommytoallh 

I am 34w & 5d today and this week is the first week I have been using the baby's name. I think having 2 prior losses and complicated pregnancies it was harder for me to not necessarily bond, but think of the baby as real or guaranteed. I had to get to a certain gestational point to feel comfortable and excited. Knowing the sex made no real difference for me, I have known and not know.
 

I totally agree. I have had 4 losses and so am VERY guarded during PG... I have and have not found out gender and it doesn't make a difference to me... for me, like the PP, once I am at a certain gest age (sometime in the 3rd tri when I can be fairly certain baby would survive if born) I can relax a bit and start to feel bonded. Truthfully though, I don't really bond until birth.

[Blanca78]

Thank you all for such thoughtful replies. Since I last posted, I have started not only feeling the baby move much more strongly, but SEEING it move--my stomach jumping and rippling is amazing. Somehow, this has helped it feel more "real" and the temptation to know the sex has subsided, which makes me happy, as I did want to wait. Also, we have received some handmade baby gifts and even though I am still not showing enough for strangers to notice immediately that I am pregnant, friends who know have been asking a lot of questions, which is nice.

I am so interested in this question of bonding before birth, and the different degrees to which women "feel" their babies--all are legitimate. It is really helpful to get your perspectives. Something someone said earlier made me think of a conversation I had a month or so ago with someone who had recently had her second baby. She said that it wasn't until she felt her second baby moving around, as she watched her toddler, that she was able to intellectually make the leap that it had been this real little person in front of her whom she felt moving around all those months earlier. "Oh," she said she kept thinking. "That was YOU." I thought it was a neat story and really gets at this thing I've been wrestling with, which is in utero, my baby seems mysterious and old and wise and alien to me--it's very hard to reconcile the image of a funny-looking fetus with a brand new baby, who will be cute and cuddly and totally new to the world.

There is a cognitive leap that is demanded, I think, and I thank you all for sharing the different ways you have approached the situation. While I love the idea of being somehow mystically bonded to my child, it is important to know that it is okay if I don't feel that, either, and I trust I will bond in time in my own way.